the don't Monkee with Mirabella thread

[halfwise]

An open letter from Halfwise to Mirabella, posted by his agent Nigel (who hasn't the faintest idea where Halfwise is hiding, in fact just stumbled upon this left outside the door. Must have been mistakenly left for someone else really, since Nigel has NO connection to Halfwise whatsoever. None.)

Dear Mirabella (I hope 'Dear' is not being too forward);

I just wanted to impress upon you how - despite any purely accidental and unfortunate wording that may have given the opposite impression - just how deeply I revere the memory of the newly late Davy Jones (may the hair on his toes ever grow longer, that is metaphorically speaking of course, given his present condition). Though I would never doubt your wisdom and munificence, which has unfortunately resulted in my living under a porch for the last week or so, and wouldn't for a moment ask you to alter your just judgement against me for my own unworthy sake, I would ask you to take pity on my man Ferguson. The situation has been sorely trying for him, and he's been run ragged trying to deliver tea and buttered toast whilst being chased by all manner of beasts and irate farmers across the fields. The fact is he's not the young man he used to be, and outrunning a sow while carrying a kettle of hot tea has long since ceased to hold any amusement for him.

So I humbly beseech you, as only one who is sleeping with straw in his hair and matted toes can (not that my condition should sway your most honorable opinion of course), to relax the already merciful and light sentence of death you have passed on me, so that Ferguson may continue his gainful employment in comfort and peace.

(You might also mention to Nigel that he looks ridiculous with that haircut and sunglasses, as I haven't the heart to tell him directly.)

In tolkien of my earnestness, I'd like to offer you this bouquet of flowers:





Um...err...not quite right. Let me try that again...

[Pretty Tyrant]

Somebody is looking to get very hurt indeed!!!! Back off my Mirry Halfwise!!!!!

[Eldorion]

Speaking of which, were you two ever going to get married or is that off now?

[halfwise]

Somebody is looking to get very hurt indeed!!!! Back off my Mirry Halfwise!!!!!

Whoopsies. Those were purely platonic flowers!

[Pretty Tyrant]

Well, so long as they were platonic (that does mean non-sexual doesn't it?-it better!)
There is still lots to do Halfwise for the wedding- we haven't even picked a venue yet, or the flowers, or all the flower girls or bridesmaids, or the band, or decided on shoes yet or even dresses..in fact there's loads still to do!

[halfwise]

Platonic ain't phallic, and even it it was, it would be greek love. Your girl's safe from all but the lustful thoughts which of course are non-existent.

{{{ Amarie - I thought you said flowers would get me out of trouble. Clearly you didn't explain all the complications to me! }}}

[Pretty Tyrant]

Mmmm I might just hurt you a bit, just to be on the safe side...

[Mirabella]

Okay - I'm confused...

[David H]

I would ask you to take pity on my man Ferguson. The situation has been sorely trying for him, and he's been run ragged trying to deliver tea and buttered toast whilst being chased by all manner of beasts and irate farmers across the fields.

That might explain the stranger the dogs had cornered in the lower 40 yesterday.
{I wonder if he's met the bull yet? }

[Ally]

Mmmm I might just hurt you a bit, just to be on the safe side...

I would; Halfwise is too clever by half...

[Amarië]

{{{ Amarie - I thought you said flowers would get me out of trouble. Clearly you didn't explain all the complications to me! }}}

{{{Halfwise, I didn't know you were going to give them to her while Pretty was right there. More flowers for them both while begging for mercy! The most respectable and platonic ones you can find, try Odo's garden.}}}

[halfwise]

Mirabella: you don't remember this:

DEATH WARRANT ISSUED

Shirriff Mirabella Banks has issued the following proclamation.

"Ye Halfwit of Undercovers in the South Farthing is henceforth stripped of all respectability as ye has proclaimed seditious and ridiculous commentaries recently and hath gone beyond the pale, perfectly so, by harming some poor defenceless Primates! He must be arrested on sight, executed, and then given a fair trial to clear the fame of his memory."

Juding by the archaic legalism of the language, Mirabella means business. And her still in the middle of Bridal Shopping. And to think, I never thought of Halfwise as the Seditious type.

Lesbo Proudfoot
Editor in Chief
The Archet Bugle

Or was that just an example of sensationalist journalism?

[halfwise]

{{{ Amarie: what, you want me to escalate??! That's your solution? }}}

[Amarië]

{{{ Amarie: what, you want me to escalate??! That's your solution? }}}

{{{Yes, Halfwise! Escalate! The only place Pretty can't get to you is on the Dark Planet, so you'd better think of something fast. It's not like we have a bet going on how long you would last and the amount of injury you would get or anything.}}}

[halfwise]

{{{ My mask itches. This is all your fault. I come all the way to cyber space, thinking I'd finally be safe, just to discover the women are still all in league against me. }}}

[Amarië]

{{{All superheroes have their issues, Half-Nigel-wise. Wear a mask and pay the price. And wouldn't it be sad if we girls completely ignored you? }}}

[Mrs Figg]

I dont want to burst your bubble Halfwise but those Ladies have balls.

erm do you have a swishy cape and black patent leather thigh high boots to go with that mask? you should you know. its more superhero-y

[Pettytyrant101]

I have no idea what you are implying about my sister Mrs Figg but unless its her violent, vicous, agressive nature you are referring to (which you may wish to ponder on!) then otherwise I don't like the tone of it at all I have to warn you, and if Pretty hears you and takes your comment the wrong way, well I won't be able to help you that's for sure (and if you're really unlucky she will want to prove the matter to you as well, at close quarters!)

[halfwise]

"erm do you have a swishy cape and black patent leather thigh high boots to go with that mask? you should you know. its more superhero-y"

Now you just want me to look silly....

[Mrs Figg]

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!so I did and now ive got a stitch.

[halfwise]

I dunno. Some dudes would pay good money for what Pretty may be planning.