Dr Who and the Trebinzinite Traders

DR WHO AND THE TREBINZINITE TRADERS

Episode 3


The second latex-clad female-like humanoid lifted her gloved hand. It had a gun in it....

"Shouldna ya say, 'Run for yer lives' Dooktor?"

"Do you mind, I haven't worked out a catchcry yet," the Doctor snapped.

Then the latex-clad female-like humanoid's gun began to flicker with a red malevolent light...

Mrs Figg let out a blood curdling scream.

"Stop! Stop!" cried the third female-like humanoid , who appeared to be the one in authority, even if her breasts appeared slightly smaller than the other two female-like humanoid's.

"But they're spies," said the second, though she lowered her gun.

"'Then should we be acting with spontaneuos fear and emotion, or should we take a cool and calculating approach?"

"You mean, act like males?"

"I know it seems to go against the way Istarte made us, but if we want to succeed, then we may have to act like sensible people, not reactive and emotional women."

"Hey!" Mrs Figg complained. "I don't see that women are any more emotional than men, nor that we're not capable of logic."

"Oooh!" said the three female-like humanoids in soft feminine awed voices. "This one's a woman!"  

"Yes, I hadn't noticed at first," said the second female-like humanoid. "Lucky you were male enough to think quickly and rationally, and stop me killing them all, as in doing so I would not only have killed these two pathetic males, I would have zapped one of our Multiversal Sisters."

"Will you cut out all that crap," Mrs Figg groaned. "Women are just as logical as men."

"She does seem to harp on that," Petty whispered to the Doctor.

"They can be logical, I find, when they put their minds to it, Petty," the Doctor put in helpfully, as he was a Modern thinker.

"Ock, Dooktor, I wish you'd coot oot the Politically correctiveness... Yoo noo I canna stund that shit!"

The three female-like humanoids were talking among themselves too.

"She may be the Chosen One," the third female-like humanoid said in a soft voice to the other two. "She thinks and speaks with such strength and clarity, like men in fact..."

"I told you to shut up with that crap," Mrs Figg. "I thought this was going to be an Absolutely Brilliant episode."

"I have absolutely no idea what you're on about," said the Doctor, suddenly striking an austere Shakespearan stance for no reason at all, apparently.

"What is your name?" the third female-like humanoid asked.

"I have no name, really, I am a Time Lord..."

"Not you, you idiot, I'm talking to your leader."

"Mrs Figg?" the Doctor asked in surprise.

"Shut up, you ridiculous male. Dear Leader of two pathetic males, what is your name?"

"Mrs Figg," Mrs Figg said, clearly pleased at the "Leader of two males" tag. "But you can call me 'Julia', if you like."

"Oooh! Julia is such a pretty name, but strong too somehow..." said the third female-like humanoid.

"And beautiful somehow..." said the second female-like humanoid.

"And feminine without being submissive," added the first.

"What the...?" Mrs Figg grumbled.  "You girls definitely have some issues. What are your names by the way, as I'm totally sick of all this 'female-like humanoid' crap."

"Ohh. How forthright," cooed the three.... women-like creatures in head to toe latex suits.

"Hey! You, yeah, the one who appears to be in some kind of authority. What's your name?"

"Betsy."

"Oh God, this aint starting well. And you, second one?"

"Patsy."

" "

"I'm Terri..." the first female-like humanoid said.

"Great, just great. Okay, so what's all this 'spies' crap?"

"Oh, Julia," Patsy said. "We fear men may find out about our Great Secret Plan and thwart what we're up to."

"And that is...?"

"We're not at liberty to say, not in front of two males."

"If I may say something..." the Doctor said in a friendly voice.

"No, shut up!" said Betsy, her tone dripping with anger and hate.

"Study oon, Maám. The Dooktor was only aboot to assk a civul quistion..."

Betsy stepped forward and stuck her gun up his kilt. "Shut up, male, or I'll blow your boy-baubles off!"

Petty nodded frantically, but said nothing.

"Take them away," Patsy said. "Lock them in the men-holes. I'll come and question them later.... Julia, if you wouldn't mind, I'll take you to the Command Centre. I do apologise, but I'll have to ask you some fairly pointed questions, as I can't be sure at this stage if you hate males as much as we do."

"You won't hurt them, will you?" Mrs Figg looked across at the Doctor anxiously. "You're not planning to blow of his boy-baubles too, much as some folk would think it might do him the world of good?"

"Only if he tries anything 'funny'," said Betsy.

"Well, that's hardly likely," Mrs Figg said.

"Woot ubut my personal properties?" Petty spoke up, sounding a little shrill. "They're not goin'to doo anythin'... intemperate....?"

"They did tell you to shut up, Petty," Mrs Figg said reasonably. "Dont blame me if you get what you deserve. Apparently males don't get to speak-up here. You know, it could be worse." And she gave the Doctor and Petty a demure understanding smile which pleased neither of them.

And so Betsy and Terri took the two males back down the tunnel.

Patsy took Mrs Figg by the hand. "Come. We need to speak," and she lead our gorgeous heroine in the other direction.

As the Time Lord and the Scotsman were taken deeper and deeper into what was now clearly a trebinzinite mine, Petty muttered, "This iz a fine kootle of fush, Dooktor."

"Shush! If they hear you speak they might carry out their threats on us..."

"Ock..." Petty ocked and fell silent.

About twenty minutes later a humming noise reached their ears, which grew in volume for the next ten, contnuing to get louder until the tunnel and their ears were full of it's resonating hummingness.

They passed a portal in the tunnel wall and caught a glimpse of a huge cavern full of humanoid movement and machinery and spacecraft.

Petty's eyebrows were raised in bemusement. But the Doctor gave him a look that seemed to say, "Don't speak up, Petty, or else I'm sure - or fairly sure at least - they'll carry out the threats they formerly made, about thirty minutes ago, back up the tunnel, when Betsy stuck her gun up your kilt." Clearly interpreting the Doctor's look (which was very good, if not brilliant, facial-acting), Petty wisely said nothing.

Another five minutes, and the two males were thrown into a roughly hewn room with a sandy floor and nothing to sit down on or to eat, but at least it wasn't too moist, nor did it have the ends of worms poking out of it's solid stone walls. A great iron door slammed shut behind them with an ominous clang.

Petty spoke at last, "What was happening in that great cavern we passed, Dooktor?"

"It's clear to me now wat's going on," the Doctor said, solemnly.

After a few seconds, Petty bleated angrilly. "Oookay, enough with the silunt orsteer Shakespearean posturing... Tell me the f*&k what you're thinkin'."

"Petty, it's clearly a battle fleet in the process of manufacture!"

"Und?"

"Petty, these female-like humanoids are surely planning to take over the Dog Leg Galaxy and kill or enslave every male in it!"

Petty gasped as the idea sunk in, for the Doctor's logic (as usual) was clearly spot on, and the timid little Scotsman let out the blood curdling scream of a much larger Scotsman.

Oooh, intrigue! I must say though, Orwell Anon, you seem to be on a role with your dominant female characters latey. First Og and then, uh, Betsy, Patsy, and Terri.

Also, I thought it was the Dog Cluster Galaxy, not the Dog Leg.

EDIT: Oops, I misaddressed you, Anon Author.

Eldorion wrote:Oooh, intrigue! I must say though, Orwell Anon, you seem to be on a role with your dominant female characters latey. First Og and then, uh, Betsy, Patsy, and Terri.

Also, I thought it was the Dog Cluster Galaxy, not the Dog Leg.

EDIT: Oops, I misaddressed you, Anon Author.

Yes, I noticed that too and I'll let Anon know. I don't think Anon goes back to check all his details if I might be blunt about it, irrespective of his grand claims on the subject.

Oh yes, don't trouble yourself about the Anon/Orwell confusion. I've had the same problem once or twice. So long as Anon and we still respect each other in the morning, all is well I reckon.

DR WHO AND THE TREBINZINITE TRADERS

Episode 4



After a few seconds, Petty bleated angrilly. "Oookay, enough with the silunt orsteer Shakespearean posturing... Tell me the f*&k what you're thinkin'."

"Petty, it's clearly a battle fleet in the process of manufacture!"

"Und?"

"Petty, these female-like humanoids are surely planning to take over the Dog Cluster Galaxy and kill or enslave every male in it!"

Petty gasped as the idea sunk in, for the Doctor's logic (as usual) was clearly spot on, and the timid little Scotsman let out the blood curdling scream of a much larger Scotsman.

Then Petty stopped screaming and appraised the Doctor suspiciously.

"How cun you be so sure, Dooktar?"

"I'm glad you asked," the Dooktor replied with an easy smile. "And later I might answer that question, but first, we need to escape."

"Ock?"

"Yes, we do, because I think we're in grave danger. And who knows what they're up to with Mrs Figg."

"But the door's solid steel, Dooktor... You're not goen to tull me you've goot the old Dooktor's sonic screwdriver?"

"I do. And why shouldn't I? I'm wearing his clothes aren't I? Frankly, I don't think he'd changed undies for quite awhile either..."

"I'm soodenlee woonderin' why those humanoid females didna search us?"

"The key word is 'female'."

"Ock, Dooktor, you wouldna have not said sumpin like that wiv them stull around."

"No indeed, and don't you forget it, Petty, as it's a wonderful lesson in life that... Now, where's my screwdriver, here..."

The next thing, the Doctor and his barechested kilted comrade were sneaking along the corridor.

"Wots your plan now, Dooktor?"

"We'll keep it simple, Petty: find Mrs Figg, run back to the Tardis with her,and leave immediately."

"But wot about this plun to kill or enslave all the men in the Dog Cluster Galaxy?"

"Stuff 'em, the men in this Galaxy are a bunch of arrogant stupid jocks. Even I think better of women than they do. I hope they get exterminated."

"That's a harsh attitude, Dooktor.... Surely you canna be serious."

"I am, " the Doctor said, giving Petty a look of exquisite pain, harrowness, and fatalism, which would have won an award if the right kind of people were watching. "I checked the date when we landed, it's 2007 Cluster Galaxy time. Ten years later, the Cluster Men of this Galaxy kill all the women in the Galaxy."

"My gawd!"

"Yes, I was here in 2018 too. Full of men and no women. It was horrible."

"So you mean..."

"Yes - we're going to escape from whatever trebinzinite-riddled world this is, and leave it to the humanoid females to destroy their male enemies. I just don't want to be around when it happens."

"But hoo do yoo know they'll win?"

"Because, Petty," the Doctor said with a look of utter angsty anguish, even more worthier of an award, "I was the Doctor who helped the men win last time. My role was instrumental, pivotal. Indeed, if not for me..."

"Sweet Galactica!" Petty gasped.

"Yes," the Doctor smiled grimly. "It was in an Ecclestone episode that never went to air... Not even Ecclestone knew about it, that's how carefully they covered up the filming, it being so contentious."

"Ock? But that doen muk no sense."

"No, it doesn't, Petty, it really doesn't... When I came here the second time in 2070 - as that corny McCoy chap - I found out Ecclestone's mistake. Well, it wasn't really his fault, it was that heterosexual script writer's fault. Now what was his name again?"

"I didna know there were any heterosexual Who writers..." Petty said in surprise.

"Yes, unusual thing, that's why I remember him as the heterosexual writer. What was his name? Never mind.... Anyway, you now see we must escape."

Petty thought on it for a few minutes as they walked. Then he broke the silence. "Shouldn't we find a middle way, Dooktor?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, if the women win, they'll be no men then."

"Oh there will. The women will likely keep a few stud males to ensure the species goes on. They're not totally stupid."

"Why didna the men of Ecclestone's time as Dooktor not keep a few women to ensure that?"

"Oh Petty, didn't I only just tell you earlier that the Dog Cluster Galaxy men are jocks?"

"Ock, I see."

"Hello, Doctor," said a familiar voice.

They stopped abruptly and looked into an antechamber off the tunnel. Out of the shadows there walked a woman with a superb figure.

"Mrs Figg!" the Doctor exclaimed.

Mrs Figg bore a gun in her hand. Her eyes had a crazed glaring stare. It was like she did not recognize them. She lifted the gun and pointed it at them.

"Kill the males," she said in a dead pan voice, "Kill the males."






h oh

Dun Dun Duuuuuun!! How will the barechested Scotsman and the handsome and brilliantly played Doctor ever help Mrs Figgs to love men again?

He he I like the way this story is going, continue dear Anon writer, you clearly have The Gift of the Gab.

DR WHO AND THE TREBINZINITE TRADERS

Episode 5


"Hello, Doctor," said a familiar voice.

They stopped abruptly and looked into an antechamber off the tunnel. Out of the shadows there walked a woman with a superb figure.

"Mrs Figg!" the Doctor exclaimed.

Mrs Figg bore a gun in her hand. Her eyes had a crazed glaring stare. It was like she did not recognize them. She lifted the gun and pointed it at them.

"Kill the males," she said in a dead pan voice, "Kill the males."

"Mrs Figg, please don't," the Doctor quailed, his body shaking in abject terror, his undies seemed suddenly to have moistened, and had.

Mrs Figg seemed to hesitate at the sound of his melodious quavering voice, and what appeared to be the ghost of winsome smile creased her luscious Tuscan lips.

"Oh f*&k me dead, Doctor," she laughed suddenly. "I'm only pulling your chain." And she lowered the gun, her eyes displaying a mischievous glint. (Her eyes were the colour of a precious stone of some sort btw, but of which sort the Doctor could not quite pick out in the dull lighting of the tunnel).

"Mrs Figg, you beetch!" Petty cried with real anoyance, for he would have soiled himself except for his lack of undergaments. (The floor of the tunnel had not escaped soilment).

"Oh don't be a sook, Petty. I got you two good."

"I, of course, feigned terror," the Doctor said, his voice still quaverng slightly, "and was about to jump you when you hesitated to shoot."

"If I was gioing to shoot you, Doctor,"Mrs Figg averred dryly. "I wouldn't hesitate. Piss me off one day - and I mean, really piss me off - and you'll see."

"Yes, yes, I can see that, Mrs Figg. Now tell me, what happened to you."

"Come with me. There's a little messroom a little further up the tunnel where the engineers take snackytime. I'm not standing here to tell you, not in these high heels. I get reallly sore in my lower back if I stand in them too long. They're from Milan by the way. But, quick! Patsy will no doubt notice I'm missing soon."

So Mrs Figg took them to said messroom. It was just a cave really, installed with the bare necessities for women working in a secret factory in a secret mine. The area was laid out with benches, a shelf or two along the walls, a bare sink with taps, a few chairs, and a table with a jug, a toaster, cups, tea bags, and a mini-coffee machine. At the rear of the cave was another cave with a sink, a water closet, and a huge make-up stand and twelve mirrors.

"I'll begin at the beinning shall I?" Mrs Figg said a few minutes later as she sipped a flat white. "When Betsy and Terri took you off to wherever they were taking you, Patsy lead me up to her personal quarters on the planet surface."

"To her personal quaters?" the Doctor asked in surprise. "Not an interrogation centre?"

"Yes, her personal quarters, Doctor, and don't interrupt. Once we got there, she showed me about the place. Lovely place. It's a small Pardudian Mansion converted into all these delightful flats. The mansion was built back before the Second Great Dog Cluster War, and in the most elegant Woolockian Prime Five Style - you know, all those Barbian columns, Noowian bay windows and New Greek Pavlovian doors; you know the ones surely Doctor? They've got those half octogonal arches at the top, stained Rootaron Minor glass and Zizzian leadlighting.. Anyway, you'll know the type like I said, Doctor, you having been around the Multiverse once or twice..." Mrs Figg laughed. "I, of course, knew nothing of them, but Patsy answered all my questions as we toured the place..."

"Ock! She gave you a tour?"

"Yes. She said she wanted me to feel at home during the interrogation."

" "

" "

"I don't know why you two seem so surprised. Anyway, we got back to her quarters. My goodness, it was set out lovely. And the Empress sized doublebed, Doctor! Oooh! It was absolutely divine. The sheets were of Bracksan silk, and the eiderdown was from Alpha Centauri Seventh Planet... And the drapes on those Noowian windows overlooking Prancing Valley - they were Jillbontikarkan!Jillbontikarkan Doctor! Do you believe it? Not that it means anything to me, but Patsy hinted they weren't cheap - not in the least..."

"Mrs Figg, will you please stop gushing and tell me what happened."

"Ock!" Petty put in. "Did she try to take yoo to bed?"

"Why would she do that?' Mrs Figg frowned at Petty. "Oh I see. You think she might have tried to romance me, win my heart, and then wheedle information out of me. Oh yes, get me to drop my guard by showing me around that lovely mansion and making me swoon and become susceptible to her considerable natural and intellectual charms .... Oh sorry, I do apologise Petty," she let out a delightful feminine laugh. "Oh dear! 'Did she try to take yoo to bed?' And there's me thinking you were being a typical male.... Yes, I can see why you would have asked what you asked now, Petty."

"Pardoon me?"

Anyhow, moving on... Patsy had soon shown me her collection of Barossian dresses - the Peewee People of Galumpapine Planet sew them from Frogwobbler Skins by the way - and closets of shoes (she had whole closets devoted to shoes), and her second bedroom full of summer tops... Anyway, we sat in her sweet little kitchen. You should have seen the wonderful assortment of knick-knack-thingees on her bureau, guys...!"

"Yes, yes, Mrs Figg," the Doctor interrupted, a fear that time was running out upon him. "But what happened?"

"Well," Mrs Figg said, her voice dropping immediately, as if she was with a woman in an office talking about other women in that same office. "Patsy asked the most amazing question. Well, it seemed like it was to me at the time..."

"Yes, go on."

"She asked me, 'Julia, are you fully a woman?' Odd question, what, don't you think Doctor, first up?"

"Ock!"

"Yes, Petty, my reaction exactly. Well, 'surprised', I did no actually go 'ocking', of course. I asked, and I'm sure you can fully understand me asking, 'What ever do you mean by that Patsy?' I even blushed, I think."

"I will show you something," she answered and proceeded to strip naked..."

"Goooo on, goooo on," Petty encouraged her.

"Well, she was revealed as the most perfectly formed woman I think I've ever seen."

"Ock!"

"Exactly, Petty, I was totally surprised. Then she told me something that really knocked my socks off."

"She's a Lusbian?" Petty asked hopefully.

"My goodness, Petty, you're not as stupid is you look. But not only that, Petty, no, not only was she that..."

And Mrs Figg fell silent, looking like she coud still not believe what she knew now about Patsy.

"You look like you don't believe even now what you did not know before," the Doctor said perceptively.

"That's right, Doctor."

"Are yoo goen to tull us afore Chrismus then, wench?"

"Well, Patsy then said, 'I have to tell you something tht might shock you right out of your clothes, Julia.'"

"Ock!"

"Yes, and it did, Petty, it did..."

"Ock!"

"...figuratively speaking..."

"Go on, Mrs Figg," said the Doctor calmly (or as calmly as he could).

Julia collected herslf and with wide-eyed wonder said: "'Patsy is a cyborg, Doctor! A cyborg!" "

ooooo this story is so romantic, ive come over all cyborg damsel in distress.

If that's you, Mrs Figg, you make a most perfect cyborg.

I'm not saying this is a bad thing, but this doesn't seem like the most serious or pathos-y of tales anymore.

The Anon Author tells me that "perfect" pathos takes time to build... time, and patience Eldo... And the twist, Eldo... I can't begin to tell you about the twist yet...


{{{And as soon as I think of one, I'll show that little basrtard, I reallly will! }}}

DR WHO AND THE TREBINZINITE TRADERS

Episode 6



"Go on, Mrs Figg," said the Doctor calmly (or as calmly as he could).

Julia collected herself and with wide-eyed wonder said: "'Patsy is a cyborg, Doctor! A cyborg!"  

"A sighberg?" Petty exclained incredulously. "Yu sad joost noo she waz uh purrfuckly formed wimman."

"I did, Petty."

"But how canna that be? Dud she hoove a switch, or lites, or muttel albow-joinzes?"

"Oh I remember now," said the Doctor, slapping his forehead. "The Trebinzinite Traders are cyborgs. But their metal bits are nano-sized. Their flesh, so to speak, is a synthetic material perfectly like human flesh. Every organ is perfectly made to emulate human organs. Need I go on? They are wonderful. They can even reproduce if impregnated with human sperm, though their offspring are cyborgs too. They are programed, however, to only bear female cyborg children."

"That's beyound belief, Dooktor!"

"I know, it is amazing."

"Noo, Dooktor, wot I'm sayin' iz, I doen believe it cun huppen. Cyborg's barin' cyborg children."

"Well, it's true."

"But if they're so advanced how coom they need human sperm?"

"Well they do. Stop being so argumentative."

"Why don't they make their oon sperm, if they can reproduce every other 'artificial' component of their cyborg-bodies?"

"Because cyborg's can't produce sperm, you dunce. I did say it!"

"But how doo they munuge it, Dooktor?"

"They're girl cyborgs, that's how," Mrs Figg put in helpfully. "The birds and the bees, you know"

Petty gave her an incredulous stare, then let out a slow stream of annoyed air, and shrugged. "Why bother, nock the noo?"

"That's better, Petty. Now, let's get back to Mrs Figgs story."

"Well, after Patsy revealed her rather interesting physical situation, she asked a series of questions."

"Did she poot her clothes buk on first?"

"I think so, I can't remember... Anyway.."

"Wot doo you mean, you caent remumber?"

"Well, I can't. It's not like I haven't seen a naked female before. I did go to an all girls art college. We often went nude, and frolicked in the garden, and played all sorts of physical games at night in our dorms, Petty. We used to pour fragrant oils or warm chocolate sauce over each other's naked bodies too, if I remember correctly."

"Did yoo?"

"You idiot. Of course Patsy put her clothes back on! Except for her helmet, which they take off indoors."

"Why did yoo say you couldna remember then?"

"Because you're an idiot, that's why. Why would you even ask me a question like that in the first place?"

"A mun would ask."

"Maybe a young boy with a dirty mind would ask, not a grown man, surely - even you surprise me," Mrs Figg retorted, but without heat, she seemed more amused than annoyed.  

"Nooo, the Dooktor would ask - and he's noot young. He's abutt nine hundrood years oold!"

"Is that true, Doctor?" Mrs Figg asked. "Doctor? ... DOCTOR? What are you doing there?"

"Oh are you talking to me, guys?" the Doctor asked looking up. "Sorry, I was checking my mini-monitor-thingee." The Doctor then held up a small flat monitor-thingee that was small enough to fit in the palm of his hand.

"Did you hear anything I was saying, Doctor?"

"Oh... some of it.... I think I lost you when you mentioned something about taking your clothes off and saying Patsy was a Lesbian. My mini-monitor-thingee went off about then... It's one that shudders in your pocket."

"You obviously weren't listening very well before it went off...Hey! What's that you're looking at?" Mrs Figg grabbed the monitor-thingee from the Doctor's hand. "What's this? Who's this Norc girl? And what's this about a story she's absolutely wild about?"

"Give me that," the Doctor hissed and depressed to monitor-thingee's OFF button quite firmly. "Now what were you saying?" he asked, seeming distracted and somewhat annoyed.

"Is thut the Needlehool thing you woz reedin at the start of of Episood 2?"

"Well, yes, Petty, at least, this is the continuation of it - just came in. Not something I'm particularly interested in, mind. Anyway, tell us more of what happened to you, Mrs Figg.. And why did you take off your clothes?"

"I didn't take my clothes off... But never mind. The important thing is, Patsy asked me why I had come here, and if might possibly be the Goddess Istarte."

"Interesting. Go on."

"Well, I said, I'm not the Goddess Istarte, I'm merely a human being. Istarte was a goddess in the ancient Middle East wasn't she, Doctor?"

"She was indeed."

"I thought as much."

"I wonder why they would be asking about an Earth Goddess of ancient times?" the Doctor now mused, though his eyes was flicking annoyed glances at the monitor-thingee he held tightly in a fist that was going white.

"She told me that there is a legend that a Goddess called Istarte from another Universe would come one day and be their Ruler at the time of their destruction of all males - except a few - in the Dog Cluster Galaxy."

"See, I told you so," the Doctor said to Petty in triumph. "I've got similar abilities to the Davidson Doctor. He had a tendancy to forsee things, you know."

"The cyborgs have been making their wealth from trading trebinzinite all these years," Mrs Figg continued. "The secret was that they had been also mining it as well, thus cutting out Middlemen. And as they hate Middlemen of all men the most, they feel doubly happy about it. They've been using the money they make to build lovely cities on the surface of this once barren planet and weapons of mass destruction under this once barren planet. Now I'm here, they plan to launch their war immediately -- well, tomorrow morning, actually."

"But I thought you told Patsy you weren't Istarte," the Doctor said. "So their prophecy isn't true yet."

"Oh I changed my mind when they told me about the male studs they've been secretly capturing these last few years. Also, I don't mind the idea of being the Ruler of a Galaxy. Quite like it actually."

"Wat doo you mean, chunged your mind?" Petty wanted to know.

"Well, I told Patsy I was Istarte."

"But youn told her you weren't Istarte to begin with."

"Yes, and then I told her I had changed my mind about that. I said, 'Patsy, now you've told me of your prophecy and your war, and your male studs, I've changed my mind about not being Istarte.' And she said, 'So you're saying now you are our Goddess, Istarte?'  And I said, 'Yes.' And she clapped her hands and shed some happy tears and rushed off to tell her friends."

"She believed you?" Petty cried in disbelief.

"Of course she believed me. It's a woman's perogative to change her mind, you know. Anyway, while she ducked out to inform all her fellow cyborgs of the good news, I snuck off down here to find you. I came to rescue you and take you back to where we left the Tardis, so you guys could escape. I planned then to pop back up to Patsy's flat before she got back. It's certainly simplified things that you had already escaped from wherever they were holding you. You know, I'm quite fond of you guys - considering - and I shouldnt like to see you sent to the darklit cramped foul-aired trebinzinite mines."

"Is that warr they're plannin' to sund us?" Petty groaned.

"Yes."

"But what about all these male studs they're keeping, Mrs Figg..." the Doctor began.

Mrs Figg looked the Doctor and Petty up and down carefully. "I'll be kind and say you're not too bad, either of you, but things have changed. Patsy showed me some shots of her captured studs... Anyway, we better hurry now. Come on."

And without another word, Mrs Figg hurried out of the messroom and up the tunnel. The Doctor and Petty gave each other aggrieved and hurt looks but there was nothing for it. Mrs Figg was already striding away, looking more gorgeous than ever in her short dress and high heels.

As they hurried to catch up to her, the Doctor whispered to his bare chested comrade, "We'll knock her senseless and take her with us."

"Aye," Petty agreed. "I'm not leavin' her here to huv all the fun, the beech."

They had only just caught up to her, and the Doctor was reaching for his door-opener as he figured the Tardis wasn't far now, when a strange thing happened. They heard a funny whirring noise. Then a pulsating shimmery image appeared before them in the tunnel. It was in their way and so forced the three of them to halt in bemusement. And then the outline of a Police Box appeared.

"What the fook!" Petty expostulated. "I didna hear you pushing your Invisibilator button, Dooktor..."

"That's because I didn't, Petty."

By now the Police Box had appeared fully.

The door opened.

Out stepped the Ecclestone Doctor.

Petty yelped, the Doctor frowned in abject consternation, and Mrs Figg swooned.

Eccleston Dookter, my hero!

Yes, I think Anon plans to go in a truly Lady pleasing direction, without, of course, selling out on his high quality story telling ethics.

DR WHO AND THE TREBINZINITE TRADERS

Episode 7


When Mrs Figg came to her senses (or as much as was reasonably possible for a girl)(in a Doctor Who story, that is), she knew things had changed. It was a Woman's Intuition thing. She just knew. She straightened her short skirt so her knickers weren't showing - it was a subconcious gesture and very out of character.

Petty was unconcious, sitting hunched up against the wall of the tunnel with not a Buckie bottle in sight, and the Ecclestone Dr Who and the Orwell Dr Who were lying together naked on the floor in incedibly close proximity, and Mrs Figg could not tell where one began and the other ended. She could not help but admire their sleeping serenity for a moment: "Orwell - at least for the puroposes of this tale - is very sweet and beautiful, and Chris Ecclestone is gorgeous and cool and very well crafted, but I don't suppose we can have two Dr Who's - not even in Forumshire.. Oh dear! How tightly they are joined together..."

And she was right. Orwell appeared to be joined - possibly with a peg, Mrs Figg couldn't quite see and wasn't sure she wanted to - to the back of the Ecclestone Doctor.

As if sensing her startled gaze, Orwell opened his eyes and lost the dreamy smug look on his slightly pink face.

"Oh dear Mrs Figg. I think I'm about to do something transformational - and me by no means a homosexual - it's just -- well, it is Chris Ecclestone..."

"Oh please, Doctor - please don't let go! You mustn't!"

"Mrs Figg, I surely don't know what you mean," retorted the Orwell Doctor on his dignity. But then he groaned enormously. "Sorry about that," he said, and whether through pain, or some other extremity, he smiled.

Then there was huge flash of light and the Ecclestone Doctor said something like: "Hey.. what the f%4k!"  and the atmosphere got all shimmery and fiery and glary and frittery, and all a bit angry on Chris' part.

Mrs Figg fainted. When she woke up she was back in the Tardis, lying neatly on a futuristic bed pad. Peter Capaldi was sitting beside her holding her hand.

"I don't know what the f%4k happened," Mrs Figg said meekly.

"I will keep it simple for you," Peter said. "I am the new Doctor and my first act was to save you from your desire to Dominate the Universe as the Goddess Istarte."

Mrs Figg frowned, not at all happy that Peter Capaldi was the new Doctor, especially as his first act was to thwart her plans to Domininate the Universe as the Goddess Astarte. This was not a good start in any sense known to her. But she somewhat painfully tried to move on, as she knew this was't one of her stories but that of someone else whom she might well threaten over the internet but not know where he lived. And, anyway, something else was bothering her more just then.

"I really need to know, Doctor: were you doing something rather.. ahh... transformative with Chris Ecclestone just a moment ago....?"

"No I wasn't," the new Doctor said on his dignity. "That was the Orwell Doctor and I refuse to be implicated in that! I am the New and Respectable Doctor and I will not be responsible for anything of a sexually ambiguous nature occurring - though I will not, of course, be able to do anything about what you or Petty do; you being mortal humans an all... or at least you are - not sure about Petty."

"I see," Mrs Figg grumbled stoically. "Mmm... and - just to be clear about this - I am not to be Goddess of the Universe?"

"No, thank goodness."

"And what of all my beautiful well crafted Male Studs?"

"Don't trouble yourself about them. I set off two sticks of Doomsday Gelliginite before I left Planet Trebinzinite blowing that evil Feminine baub to bits. There will be no Female Cyborgs ruling any Universe I'm involved in. I'm a return to your more your traditional Doctor."

"Ock the nooo," came a pleased sigh from the control deck of the Tardis where Petty was just then fondly twiddling a knob. "Ut lazt - a Rule Dooktor!"

Mrs Figg frowned.


THE END ---



or BEGINNING!!!  

I'm just thankful it's not illustrated   

Indeed!   

What a lot of wishful thinking   

Do you fancy Chris then?