Dr Who and the Trebinzinite Traders

No, it wouldn't!

Ooh, how exciting! But Petty and Mrs Figg - humans? That's an adjustment.

Well, I know it's a unexpected twist - but that's Dr Who for you. Ask Petty, he'll tell you, even the most semingly improbable things can happen in Who.

Eldorion wrote:Ooh, how exciting! But Petty and Mrs Figg - humans? That's an adjustment.

tsk tsk tsk, I simply cannot let you say that about Petty and Mrs. Figg. You must take that back dearest Eldo, or i shall be forced to alert your mummy as to that ungentlemanly remark. And I thought and still suspect, you are the ultimate gentleman,just like Despereaux.

It is taking a bit of getting used to- whilst its nice to be portrayed more as I really am physically and less say, as a pig, human? I mean what if Amy Pond were to make a cameo in one of her trade mark outifts?- ok as human I can smoulder into her eyes but as a hobbit I'm just the right to height to smoulder right up her...um nevermind...

Well, with poetic licence being what it is, you and Mrs Figg are staying as humans. Sorry - but the decision's made.

{{{The Anon Author told me to say that, guys. I can see you're not comfortable as hobbits being portarayed as humans, but the Anon Author can be stubborn on these things. A real pain up the clackers, to be honest, and I should know, having known him since birth, and possibly before - not that I want to go into that NB This encrypted message excludes said Anon Author}}}.

{{{Oh yes, I'm now playing a Time Lord , Petty, so we all have our burdens, what. }}}

leelee wrote:tsk tsk tsk, I simply cannot let you say that about Petty and Mrs. Figg. You must take that back dearest Eldo, or i shall be forced to alert your mummy as to that ungentlemanly remark. And I thought and still suspect, you are the ultimate gentleman,just like Despereaux.

I thought we were all Hobbits here (except the Elves, of course), though! Surely transforming from a Hobbit into a human is quite an adjustment for all involved.

I like the subtleties in your writing, Anon. How you so delicately hint at the emotional ties between your characters, barely unnoticed in the action packed adventure.

Amarië wrote:I like the subtleties in your writing, Anon. How you so delicately hint at the emotional ties between your characters, barely noticed in the action packed adventure.

Yes, indeed, Amarie. My critics would say: "painful obviouness", "banal and brutal obviousness" and "impossible not to notice obviousness"-- but what would they know.

"{{{In Ozhobbitstan, Amarie, if a guy went up to a lass and said, "Hey Sheree, gee wouldn't I love ta strip ya naked and bonk on the tray of me ute." The girl would likely say, "Stop beatin' around the bush, Bruce, say what ya mean." We Ozhobbits don't take much to being too subtle.}}}

'Your' critics, Orwell? What are you up to?

{{Well, he did ask "gee wouldn't I love ta.." The answer could be: No, he most certainly would not! You Ozhobbits and your riddles...}}

Err... um... what I mean is.... "my" critics as in 'our" critics generally, that is, critics of Ozhobbits. We stick together. So if one was to criticize Anon (the Great writer) for example, then naturally I would take it as they were criticising me (the Great Wedding Planner).

{{{Encryption to self: Whew! Got out of that with my usual mental dexterity! --- I think... }}}

Amarië wrote:{{Well, he did ask "gee wouldn't I love ta.." The answer could be: No, he most certainly would not! You Ozhobbits and your riddles...}}

By Eru's knitted trousers - you Fjordianlandians are too subtle by half. Took me eight reads and a phone call to Bertrand Russel's ghost to work that one out! Strewth! Stone the crows!

Btw before you say: "Ooh Orwell, you cheated, you broke my encryption spell, I'm off to compain about you to Eldorion." Well, no in fact, I didn't. You only used two {{ }} brackets each end - when it should be {{{}}} or more. Paint your bum purple next time, Amarie, it wouldn't stand out any more obviously.

{{{"Paint your bum purple next time, Amarie"... Good one that - must pass it on to Anon.}}}

Ahh, but perhaps I ment for you to break it? Perhaps {{ is the forumshire equivalent to mutter under ones breath? Or something in that fashion...

{{{Self: He most certainly won't fall for that one, will he? Flee while you still look relatively smart. And no mentioning of how long it took you to spell 'equivalent' . FLEE!!}}}

Sniff! Sniff!

I know you're up to somethin' Amarie....

A friendly word of warning, if you post something I can read, then employ an encryption spell as well, I'll know you're having a secret conversation with someone. And being one of those Fjordianlandian loopies, no doubt with yourself. Am I right? Whatever the case, your last post stinks of peppermint - and, no doubt, your Mother smells of elderberries --- or was that your Father?

{{{Message to sel... oh no, don't do that.... oh shite... Now, how the hell do I get rid of this smell...?}}}

*Sniff, sniff*

Yeah, that truly is some brilliant advise. Gosh it can be hard for a foreigner to um learn the local customs and such. And I am truly sorry I assumed you might be up to something. Hahaa! The very idea... Cultural differences, ey?

Well, my most recent advice is based on Forumshiran Logic as I see it. I wonder: are there ever posts with ONLY encrypted messages? There must be, I guess. So I'd smell peppermint, I guess, but not have ANY idea who was posting. Only the recipient would know a post had been made, though everyone else would be sniffing suspiciously. Mmm.... I think this all seems to meet with Forumshiran Logic too, what.

Don't know about fully encrypted messages though, sound very odd. But I have seen many completely blank posts with no sender or anything, so many that they make a thread expand over several pages. There's something special about the comfortable silence among friends. So serene and peaceful.

But not somewhat sinister, too?

"alert your mummy" hehe that was funny LeeLee!

I dont want to be human, I want to be the reincarnation of The goddess of destruction, and huffyness.

Oh Mrs Figg, Orwell was only recently telling me his most fervent desire was to be the God of gentleness and fluffiness... It seems like you are yin to his yang --- or vice versa... Loving chap, that Orwell... just ask all the women he's stalki----... is acquainted with... {{{Well, I put it in, I can't change it now... Oh I can..? But I 've already sent it...! }}}

DR WHO AND TREBIBZINITE TRADERS

Episode 2



“Hold on!” the Doctor yelled. “We’re hurtling through a Pavlovian Worm Hole...”

A horrible screeching noise hit their ears as the Tardis shook and shivered and shimmied violently...

“Ahhhhhhhrgh!” cried Petty, “We’re all goen to dee! Aaaarrrrgh!”

Bump - crump - bumpy-boo - grind....

"I think we've stopped," Mrs Figg said in surprise. "That didn't take long."

"Aye, you're right Mrs Figg. Poor writin' really.... I wonder where we are?"

"Doctor, Doctor...? Oh there you are."

"Ock Dooktor, against all expectations, we're noo deed."

"Doctor?" Mrs Figg asked, for the Doctor was standing on the other side of the console looking unnaturally still and emotionless, 'removed' even, as if his brilliant mind was not with them.

"I hope his brain hasna been left in the Pavlovian Worm Hole," Petty said anxiously. "The last time that happened we had to kill George Bush and steal his as a temporary replacement..."

"No, hís lips are moving, Petty. I think he's reading something on that monitor."

"That's the kindle-monitor. I woonder what it kood bee?"

"Well, let's go and look."

The Doctor was so far away mentally he did not sense them come up on each side of him.

"Needlehole Mysteries?"

"Chupter Too, ock?"

The Doctor came slowly out of his reverie. "Oh just a silly serial I was reading, chaps. Nothing to bother about," And the Doctor pushed the OFF button on his kindle-monitor, with surprising force.

"Come on, let's see where we've landed."

"I wonder what seems to have depressed him so much, Petty," Mrs Figg whispered as she stood at the console watching the Doctor go to the opening door of the Tardis.

"Ock - I dooen noo. I was neér seen him so thoughtful und sad..."

"Oh well, it'll come out in time... What, Petty, you look unsure?"

"Mrs Figg, I doen think that moodiness was meant to be in the script."

"How the heck would you know something like that?"

"Troo... just a feelin'. Coom on. He's already oot the door."

And so the two companions followed the Doctor, but they were now uneasy in mind, because a Modern kind of spoof requires more than good plotting, witty comments, clear headed insights, wonderful banter and good story structure (like some Forumshiran stories display), no, a Modern spoof needs pathos and feelings and possibly even a character with depth who gets depressed now and then; adult spoofing, actually. Not that the two companions knew this - I just think the Reader should know.

When they left the Tardis the Doctor was standing in a rough hewn tunnel talking to himsrlf. "Since how does calling someone 'idiot' repeatedly, funny? - and yet, I laughed every time... harder every time... How the f^%k does one do that?"

"Doctor!" Mrs Figg asked, tugging his sleeve. "Doctor, are you alright?"

"And that use of 'pompous', so drole... I shoudn't have laughed, but it was funny too - even if it was at the cost of a fine family's gravitas.... it was genius... I hates him... I hates him forever..."

"Ock, Dooktor, I can live wiv your pathos, but I aint bein' part of a Hobbit spoof agin!"

"Oh sorry, Petty - distracted, you know...... Now, where are we?"

The Doctor seemed to be with them now, as if he had been back in an alternate Forumshire or something, but was now come back to them, and quite ready to do his level best to be part of a strappingly brilliant episode of Dr Who, no matter what it took!

"Do you know where we are, Dooktor?"

"I don't know," the Doctor said. "But there's a definite metallic smell of trebinzinite in the close atmosphere of this rough hewn tunnel."

"Trebinzinite, Doctor?" Mrs Figg asked. "Did you just make that up?"

"Mrs Figg, why would I?"

"To put something novel in a story, I guess..."

"So you tink I''m trying to out-do Eldo -- you do, I could see it in your incredulous look!"

"Dooktor. What the fook are you gabbing aboot?"

"Oh sorry... I'm a bit addled... Never mind me. Now, Mrs Figg, 'tebinizinite' is an amorphous metallic compound that is used as an agent in quaglifying three disparate metals, iron, silver and platimun, into a metal malleable enough, meteorologically speaking, to form the outer shell of the hyper-driven space tankers in the Dog Cluster Galactic Federation."

"Are you trying to impress us with that quasi-scientic claptrap, Doctor?" asked Mrs Figg.

"It's orlmost like he's tryin'to impress someone else, actooly..."Petty put in, clearly bemused. "Why is he talking with his chin high und him takin' sooch a Shakespearan posture... Who exactly is he tryin' to impress'? It's Dooktor Who, not NASA the Movie with Laurence Olivier as lead actor, ock."

"I'm not trying to impress anyone," the Doctor said grumpily. "And what I said about trebinzinite is true. It is used in space hull manufacturing. The thing is, it's not found readily in the Dog Cluster Galaxy. Supply comes only through the Trebinzinite Traders."

"Trebinzinite Traders, Dooktor?"

"Yes, a race of Space Traders. They never say where they get their trebinzinite from and so corner the market. ... My goodness gracious me... I think we've landed in a trebinzinite mine."

"Why are you looking so fascinated, Doctor?" Mrs Figg asked.

"Don't you see, unbearably beautiful woman? We're on a planet where the Trebinzinite Traders get their trebinzinite."

"And that's fascinating?"

"Well, it is to me. I've always had an interest in metals."

"Ï didna noo that Dooktor."

"That's because I'm no longer your 'gadgets' Doctor, Petty. I'm your Doctor who is interested in metals."

"Fook - that's fascinatin'.... "

"Now - let's investigate a bit - but we'll need to hide the Tardis - just in case."

"How the f^%k are we going to hide it anywhere, Doctor, have you seen how f*^*&g heavy it is?"

"Ock - sheez goot a point, Dooktor."

"You silly Scotsman. I'll invisibilise it with my biro-like Invisiblilator."

And, within seconds, the Doctor had pointed his Invisibilator at the Tardis. He pushed the buton at the end and a whizzy-whiz noise was emitted, and the Tardis went all shimmery and disappeared from sight.

"I'll have to use my Permeator as well - so no one will run into it and bump their head, thus having my Tardis come under notice."

"Permeator, hey, Dooktor. That would be anither 'gadget', I'd suggest."

"I never said I'd be gadget-free, Petty. God you're literal minded."

The Doctor, after making the invisible Tardis permeable with his pocket-knife-like Permeator, turned this way and that in the tunnel. "Which way, I wonder? Oh well, the light seems fresher this way. Come on."

They walked in the designated direction. The tunnel ran straight for awhile and at last came to a bend.

"We must be careful, friends," the Doctor gave caution. "Who knows who or what we might encounter behind this very turn.... Oh gosh!"

For just then, to the total surprise of all, three humanoid figures came around the bend toward them. They were dressed in tight hugging silver latex suits. They were from head to tow with silver helmets on their heads. No faces could be seen under the visors, just opaque screens. The figures looked female, as they had absolutely brilliant breasts pressing out the latex toward them.

"What are you doing here?" said one female voice.

"They're spies," said a second.

"Kill them," said the third.

The second latex-clad female-like humanoid lifted her gloved hand. It had a gun in it....

"Shouldna ya say, 'Run for yer lives' Dooktor?"

"Do you mind, I haven't worked out a catchcry yet," the Doctor snapped.

Then the latex-clad female-like humanoid's gun began to flicker with a red malevolent light...

Mrs Figg let out a blood curdling scream.

Oh sweet Eru!

I knew I would like this writers' feud!

Poor Doctor, so distracted... What will happen next!?

Attention to detail- thats what makes a good Who- nice to see you are doing so-

"as they had absolutely brilliant breasts pressing out the latex toward them"

It's great to see a new chapter! I like where this is heading. I'm glad it's also keeping up its standards of excellent character comedy; I couldn't stop laughing.

The Archet Bugle wrote:And so the two companions followed the Doctor, but they were now uneasy in mind, because a Modern kind of spoof requires more than good plotting, witty comments, clear headed insights, wonderful banter and good story structure (like some Forumshiran stories display), no, a Modern spoof needs pathos and feelings and possibly even a character with depth who gets depressed now and then; adult spoofing, actually. Not that the two companions knew this - I just think the Reader should know.

Yeah! Who started that trend?

Anon wishes to extend his appreciation for your appreciation folks, but he can't respond himself at the moment, as he is sweating extremely hard over....

{{{What? Oh frick.... alright.....}}}

Sorry folks, my bad. Anon can't respond at the moment as he is having a casual cup of tea while he effortlessly doodles down the next episode of the Doctor, as writing Absolutely Brilliant spoofs are like making pancakes to him, that is, really easy. And he's not feeling threatened in any way at all by anyone large, small, or Eldorion

{{{What? Alright... have it your way. You know, I don't think you're fooling anyone....}}}

Anyway, Anon will have the next episode out as quickly as possible.

{{{Okay. Done, you cranky bastard. Now, who's going to fix all that furniture you threw around the room? You know, they're only spoofs. Yeah, they're good, we all know that, but must you get so het up over them...? Alright. Alright. Sorry I said anything. Sheesh. }}}