Dr Who and the Trolls

What on earth are you talking about?

( )

DR WHO AND THE TROLLS

Episode 12

Final


"Can anyone see any Daleks?" the Doctor asked.

"No, not me," said Odo, and Fatso shook his head too. After looking round a bit, Porgy followed suit.

Petty thought a moment and a questioning look slowly formed on his dim witted face. "Shouldn't you use your Dalek-finder to make sure, Dooktor?"

"Great idea. Let me see... Nope, not one for miles."

"Ock! " Petty exclaimed. "That'd be a real turn up for the books, mun, and no mistook!"

"No, wait!" said the Doctor, urgently.. "I pushed the wrong button - and, no, there arent any balrogs'nearby --- but...Oh dear."

Suddenly, out of a cleverly duisguised (with straw) hole in the ground came the two Daleks that had been after them all day (but not the one who was back at their ship guarding the Year Twelve Girls).

"Well that's a bit rude," Odo complained. "They're using my tunnels now!"

"Exterminate! Exterminate!"

"Ock the noo..." Petty bleated. "You've stuffed up AGAIN, Dooktor! Ock! We're done for now. This tim for shorr."

"What the...?" the Doctor complained. "Are we doing Rocky and Bullwinkle now?"

"I'm too young to die," Porgy complained, as it semed just now that everyone was complaining about something.

"Hold on," came a powerful but somewhat boyish voice.

"Oh f*&'*&g hell!" complained the post-90's Dalek who had already trained his lasergun-thingee at the Doctor and was getting quite sick of being thwarted every time, and can we really blame him?

"It's the Master!" the pre-90's Dalek said in an awed mechanical voice.

"Oh f*$k, you're right," said his comrade. "Bow to the Master! Bow to the Master!"

"I'm not bowing to Eldo, no way," Odo said obstinately.

"Nock the nelly noo... You cun shoot me first, please!"

"Last time I did bow to him," Porgy averred disdainfully, "I met with quite a disappointment. He didnt crack up to be what I thought he would crack up to be, not when he cracked a ..."

"Never mind the small talk," the Doctor implored them. "This is serial...."

"'Serial'! Oh no, it's South Park, Gore jokes is it now?" Odo complained. "Hurry up, you Daleks - shoot."

"Aye! Exterminate! Exterminate!"

And the pre-90's Dalek, who was hard of hearing and could not tell the difference between a Scotshobbit accent and that of a Loremaster, did shoot.

Bizzlearrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

And the Doctor fell off the buscart (very theatrically) and rolled onto the ground, writhing in pain; while Odo and Porgy and Petty and Eldo and Fatso (EDIT: and Mrs Figg) applauded, because it was one of the most impressive bits of writhing they had seen in any Dr Who series.

Eldo came to his senses first. He whipped out a pocket crossbow (which wasn't a plagiaristic pocket crossbow in any way, it being a two string version, which is a far more original idea, what).

Thwuck! Thwuck!

"Eegad!" screeched the Daleks, and then they made fizzly noises and died.

"Ock the noo. I thought you were the Master, Eldo? But ou kilt them, nelly ock! "

"Oh no," Eldo smiled. "They confused me for someone else. Of course, I am a Lore Master, not The Master. Easy mistake for them to make though."

"Did you just kill the most dangerous machine-creatures in the universe with a crossbow, Eldo?" Odo interceded, somewhat surprised.

"Strangely enough," Eldo grinned, "crossbows are like kryptonite to them."

"Ock tha noo - who woulda picked that?"

"A Lore Master," Eldo said, in his usual smug way. "A Lore Master would!"

"Doo you wanna poonch him, or shall I?"

"We both will," Odo snarled. "I'll hold him first..."

Suddenly there was a high pitched scream. They looked around in horror, thinking a Cyberman had turned up or something, but what they saw was Porgy kneeling beside the Doctor on the ground.

"He's dead," she weeped. "He's deee--aaaaaa-ddd."

The others (EDIT: including Mrs Figg) applauded again. It was pretty good acting on her part.

"The best thing," Petty said afte Porgy's 'moment' had ben worked to full effect and dissipated into a soft Liv Tyleran weeping, "is he didna have a chunce to do one his monolgues ut the very end, naw..."

"And that's not so bad, Petty," Odo said with relief. "That's not so bad, is it?"

"Naw, lad, it's nawt."

"Oh my gawd!" Porgy screamed. "He's going all funny."

"Stun back, gal," Petty shrieked. "He's transformin'!"

"What?"

"He's changin' his form, lassie. I hope it's Sean Connery thiz tim..."

"No, too old," Odo said sadly. "More's the shame."

"Oh Sweet Eru-" Porgy gasped, " - he looks like Orwell..."

"Eegad! Stun the haggises!"

They were right, the Doctor had changed right before their eyes into the spitting image of Orwell in all his handsomeness.

"Well, at least he'll be a Popular Doctor," Porgy smiled.

"Oh gwwwwd!" the others sighed in unison.

Just then, they heard a whirring noise arise from the west. Looking back over the rolling hills of Needlehole in that direction, they saw the Dalek spaceship - made tiny with distance - rising above the gables of the distant Our Lady's and darting off into the sky at warp speed.

"The third Dalek is getting away with the Year Twelve Girls!" Porgy squealed.

That's when Odo broke down. Of course, the others applauded, for it was some the finest 'grief' ever shown in any series; the irony being, Odo wasn't actually acting.

"Well, who is coming back to Odo's garden and the Tardis?" Orwell --- sorry --- the Doctor asked after a time.

"Ock the noo... I guess I um," said Petty reluctantly.

"Of course you are," the Doctor said fondly.

"Ooh, can I come too?" Mrs Figg put in, she having sat back during the final scene because of her innate politeness - and definitely not because I had not read Episode Eleven first and had forgot she was even with them. "I would ever so like to go jaunting around the Mutliverse with Or... uh.. the Doctor!"

"Ock! I bett you would, lassie! "

"We better move quick though," the New Doctor said urgently.

Just then a voice cried out, "Exterminate! Exterminate!"

They turned in absolute surprise, but it wasn't a Dalek this time, it was Mrs Orwell McOdo, and she looked very very angry. She was running up the hill toward them with an umbrella in her hand, and wearing on her face one of the fiercest scowls ever seen on Dr Who. But there was no time to applaud this time.

"Run!" the Doctor yelled. "Run for your lives!"






















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FINALLY a dashingly handsome Doctor like what ECCKY was before they changed him for that whippersnapper Smith. Hurrah!

Oh Mrs Figg, I'm so pleased you and I will be going off together through the Multiverse, facing danger, possibly encountering a bit of romance and the ever present risk of heart break; and with Petty along as light relief! Superb!

Rumour has it that even now the Bugle's Anonymous Author is devising a rather seriously adventurous space tale involving the Doctor and his two adoring Companions. Personally, I can't wait!

{{{Mrs Figg, one concern I have is, and I don't know if I'm imagining it or not, but does our Anonymous Author have a crush on me or something? He never misses the opportunity to mention my good looks and feisty masculine charms. I find it sligtly disturbing if you know what I mean... me being such a rip snorting heterosexual and all. }}}

An awesome finish to the story! The way the Daleks were dispatched was very satisfying to read. Although I detect slight traces of jealousy from Petty and Odo's characters.

Don't worry what they think. No one ever cares what they think. It's not like they're you or me, hmm?

Oh I almost forgot all this! Wonderful stuff, if I say so myself!