Dr Who and the Trolls

DR WHO AND THE TROLLS

Episode 1


The blue Police Box materialized with a funny noise that startled the ducks in the backyard of the esteemable Mr Odo Banks, esquire, in Rushock Bog, near Needlehole. Odo was giving his au pair, Francine, a leg up to dust the chandelier in his enormous Parlour while his two wives were out shopping down the market.

"Oh dear!" he expostulated, dropping the poor French girl into a tub of jelly which he had moved only that morning from the kitchen (she wasn't hurt in the fall, just be-jellied). "What's that horrid racket?" Odo expostulated further, half his mind thinking he should go out and investigate the yard, the other half wondering if he might make some worthy (or unworthy) use of his jelly tub.

Just then, he heard a door close and a male voice say, "Ock Dooktor! Where the ninnynanny have we come to and about?."

"Calm yourself, Petty - and straighten that mini-kilt, you're distressing the ducks."

"Oooh sorry, Dooktor. I didn't have the Scotsshekels to buy a whole kilt. I'm saving up for the rest of it."

"Well, whatever the case, we must enquire at this door - which appears to lead into a hill! - and see if the inhabitant can inform us where we are."

By this time, Odo had flung open the door of his enormously impressive and expensive Ozhobbit hole and had laid eyes on the two peculiar characters approaching his hole. One was a tallish dapper fellow dressed in a nice respectable two piece suit. (It was the Pertwee Doctor, in fact, not that he will resemble him much in this tale). The other was a rather horridly unattractive Scotshobbit in an unfinished kilt - which could easily be confused with a mini-kilt.

"Good morning, my good hobbit," said the Doctor. "Are we in Middle Earth? And there's me thinking it a totally imaginary place. Though, of course, there are those who think I am imaginary myself. Ahh! The Multiverse. Full of possibilities. Is that a semi-naked hobbit lass in a tub in your parlour, little Ozhobbit?"

Odo hastilly shut his door. "Never mind that..." he said.

"I didna mind at all," Petty grinned oafishly (as was his way).

"Hey! What's that blue box with "Police" written on it?" Odo wanted to know, because he had never seen a Tardis before.

"It's my turn to say, 'Never mind that', the Doctor grinned. He often made excellent jokes like that (I seem to remember). (Or maybe it was Tom Baker?) "Tell me, is this Middle Earth?"

"Well, after a fashion I guess - though we locals call it Forumshire - for legal reasons..."

"You're Odo Banks!" Petty exclaimed. "The enemy of all McTyrants (and Tyrants). Oooh, Dooktor, have we come to end his evil and ridiculous ways?"

"Hey! You son of a Tyrant and his squirrel mistress, what do you in my backyard? You're not after my ducks again."

"Noo, I'm not - not this time - I've just been away flying in the Tardis, fighting Daleks, wrestling Cybermen, and being shit scared by these really weird Angels - or was that when I was with one of the other Dooktors? Gets confusing, flying through time and space."

"You liar! That blue box thingee doesn't even have wings!"

"It doen need 'em. It's magical."

"No, dear little Petty,"the Doctor amiably interrupted, "It obeys certain scientific principles."

"Principles, hey?" Odo wondered aloud - and somewhat accusingly.

"It obeys noo Scientific Principle I'm kenning?" Petty said, looking confused - which, no doubt, he often did.

"Anyway, I need to know why the Tardis brought me here," the Doctor said amiably. "I was trying to arrive in the middle of a sex scene with Billie Piper in that Call Girl show she was in..."

"Maybe it's the trolls..." Odo expostulated suddenly. "If you go off fighting weird creatures in all sorts of weird and wonderful places, maybe you've come here about the trolls..."

And Odo's face drained of colour. For the trolls were living at the end of Rushock Bog lane, after eating Molly McGregor and her talking donkey, Ass. The trolls were large, could stand sunlight, and refused to pay Odo rent for the squalid little hovel with no fire and moss and mould growing on every cracked wall. A fine abode too - according to Odo's palantir site.

"Trolls you say?"the Doctor said with a frown. "Sounds more like fantasy than science fiction to me."

"They might NOT be trolls," Petty put in. "Ock the nelly noo. What if they're aliens pretendin to be trolls." And his face turned pale too.

"I thought trolls were bad enough," Odo exclaimed and he and Petty jumped together and clung to each other in spontaneous expression of conjoined terror. There they shook for at least three minutes, forgetting the long held feud of their families.

"Well, I best go and see who - or what - these trolls are," the Doctor sighed. "I hope this is not a sign the scripts are going downhill."

"I hope they're not homosexual aliens, Dooktor!"

"Nor homosexual trolls!"

"My good hobbits, fear not. I'm the Doctor from back when homosexuals didn't exist."

"Can you be sure?" asked Odo and Petty still clinging tightly.

"I have a Tardis. I should know."

"But I thought you and I..." began Petty.

"What happens in the Tasrdis stays in the Tardis, my dear Laddie," the Doctor rebuked him amiably. "Now, lead me to these trolls, my good Ozhobbit."

So Odo lead the Doctor and Petty down Rushock Lane to the hovel where the trolls were squatting. Mrs McGregors skull had been put on a pike at the front door, to deter Jehovah's Witnesses.

"Hello," the Doctor cried from the lane just outside the gate. "Is anyone home?"

The door opened and a Dalek rolled out. "Terminate! Terminate!"

Then Odo heard really funny music (electronic music in fact, but the rustic Ozhobbit was pretty unfamiliar with electronic music, though he had heard All Around my Hat by Steeleye Span and quite liked it).

Now, as this an older type of Dr Who story, I have to stop here. You'll have to wait on tenterhooks, I'm afraid. Dr Who was always better that way. Cliff hanger endings. No poofery. Ooo... those were the days.

DR WHO AND THE TROLLS

Episode 2


So Odo lead the Doctor and Petty down Rushock Lane to the hovel where the trolls were squatting. Mrs McGregors skull had been put on a pike at the front door, to deter Jehovah's Witnesses.

"Hello," the Doctor cried from the lane just outside the gate. "Is anyone home?"

The door opened and a Dalek rolled out. "Terminate! Terminate!"

"My Sweet Eru!" cried Odo, "They're quite different with their coats off!"

Dr Who acted quickly. "Run! Run away!"

"But thar Daleks, Dooktor, the most chillingly efficient killing bio-machines in the Multiverse!" Petty cried, stricken by fear. "We doen stund a chance of out running them!"

"Oh contrare! They'll have a hell of time getting down those front stairs." (Remember, this story is set back in Pertwee's time as Doctor).

And so off the three companions ran, at the clackers, while the sound of clattering wheels and evil-mechanicl cries of: "Oooh f^$#@ me dead, I've tipped over again... Help! Help!" reached their retreating ears.

An hour later, the Doctor was holding forth at the Muck and Duck.

"What's to be done, Dooktor?" Petty was asking over a flagon of Buckie - his lips a little pinched, because it wasn't Scotshobbit quality at all, at all. "There's hardly a stair in all of Forumshire, even if the Gondorions have some nice baroque Italian marble ones. There's nowhere to hide."

"As always, I plan to find an answer," the Doctor said amiably. "Even if some luck will have to be involved, and as long as the Daleks keep saying "Terminate! Terminate!' and so keep giving us time to run away - at least, until Episode 7 that is."

"Some day luck might run out," Petty said sardonically.

"Don't be daft," the Doctor told him amiably. "The problem we have - and we've had it before, Petty - is that Dalek's are nigh on indestructable."

"Aye! How we keep managing to kill 'em is amazin, what!"

"We could use the nitrates in manure to make explosives," Odo suggested, not knowing if it was possible, but wanting to be helpful.

"Now, Mr Banks, you must leave the planning to us," the Doctor advised him amiably. "I dare say, you could come up with all sorts of fantasy solutions, but the Daleks are actually a science fiction poblem."

"Aye, but we are in a fantasy world, Dooktor." Petty put in, hopefully, "So p'raps we may need to take a fantasy approach. Fantasy and science fiction can sometimes co-exist in a Mutliverse."

"Yes, but it rarely is great entertainment."

"Entertaintainment!" Petty expostulated, spraying buckie froth all over Odo. "You talk of mere entertainment! And there being Daleks in Middle Earth, no doubt bent on killin all life."

"Well, who can say they're planing to kill everyone?" the Doctor queried amiably.

"Ock the noo! Of course they are! They're Daleks!!!!"

"I confess that's sound reasoning.... Now, what shall we do... Oh my goodness, what a buxon wench!"

Just then Porgy Bunk-Banks walked into the Muck and Duck.

"It's my Sister-in-Law, Porgy," Odo said dismally. "Hi! Porgy! Over here. I've got visitors."

"Oooh well hello, Sirs. Is that you Petty?"

"It 'tis. "

"And who is this tall man with such fine silver hair and an ever so amiable smile?"

"Some call me 'the Doctor', dear lass," the Doctor said and stood and bowed grandly, taking Porgy's hand in his and giving it a delicate kiss.

"Oooh..." Porgy said, blushing.

"The Doctor is here to rid Mrs McGregor's hovel of those 'orrid trolls of mine," Odo informed her. "Strange trolls too, as I only found out in the last hour or so; like upside down icecream cones but all shiny metal - with their coats off, at least."

"Oooh, goodness, it sounds like those three strange metal things that was following me up the hill just now..."

Suddenly, the windows of the Muck and Duck blew out and funny beams of light shot through the door and killed the publican.

"Terminate! Terminate!"

"Run!" the Doctor yelled. "Run for your lives!"

And the Doctor took Porgy by the hand and ran for the back door dragging her in his wake.

Then that peculiar electronic music started again, which Odo found perplexing. As he sped after the Doctor, Porgy and Petty, he wondered if the Daleks were some kind of lethal Jukebox, as he'd heard tell certain folk had in foreign countries?

DR WHO AND THE TROLLS

Episode 3


"Oooh, goodness" [said Porgy] "it sounds like those three strange metal things that was following me up the hill just now..."

Suddenly, the windows of the Muck and Duck blew out and funny beams of light shot through the door and killed the publican.

"Terminate! Terminate!"

"Run!" the Doctor yelled. "Run for your lives!"

And the Doctor took Porgy by the hand and ran for the back door dragging her in his wake.

Down Muck hill they ran, in the direction of Needlehole.

"Ock Dooktor, we'll never outrun 'em. Thar are no stairs between here and Redlite Street to slow them doon."

"Redlite Street?" the Doctor puffed enquiringly as parts of Porgy bounced beside him in their haste.

"It's the onlee place I noo in Needlehole."

"And you can catch the Needlehole-Lore Tower buscart to the Tower of Lore from there," Porgy assisted. "I've been up to see Lord Eldorion, once ... or twice... quite often - seeking advice... on things... He adores science fiction, he's always getting me to dress up as Princess Lea... Anyhow, he'll know what to do about those bad tempered upside-down-icecream cones! "

"They're Daleks," the Doctor puffed amiably. "The most evil and dangerous machine-creatures in the Multiverse."

"Machine creatures?"

"Yes, Porgy. Try not to be afraid, but they are machines with pink fleshy things in them, an amorphous coagulate in fact, and sentient. Theyre a very ancient and evil species and quite a lot like chewing gum to look at."

"How do they drive the machines?" Porgy exclaimed. "I mean, wouldn't their arms be too pliable?"

"Who the hell noos how they doo it," Petty piped up as he sped along in front of them, trying - largely unsuccessfully -to keep his kilt from lifting in a small breeze that fluttered up Muck Hill from the direction of Archet. "Not even the Dooktar, I'd hazard."

"Only too true," the Doctor frowned. "Funny, no one has ever even raised the issue before - except most probably on my Fan Site, no doubt. Anyway, I'm sure there's a perfectly good scientific explanation for it. Now, how far is it to this Redlite Street?"

"Not far," Odo gasped, catching his breath as he sped, "I know an excellent short cut."

"I bet you doo," Petty called back, his tone dripping with all the banality of McTyrant sarcasm.

"And you would know, Mr Squirrel-squeezer!"

"Ha! You know about the squirrels do you? So you've been there - moren once I'd ken!"

"Not as many times as you I bet, Mr Scottiebritches, thank you very much!"

"Enough!" the Dooktor rebuked them. "We're fleeing the most virulently sinister race in the Multiverse and you're trading childish snide remarks! What will the folk reading this Episode be thinking? And I might remind you that this the Wholesome Tales Thread, and therefore very Respectable! For shame!"

Petty and Odo, suitably ashamed, kept their simple thoughts to themselves for awhile after that. But they gave each other evil side glances even as they puffed and panted along the Rushock Bog-Needlehole Road.

They had almost reached the MacDonalds on the outskirts of Needlehole when a funny mechanical whirring noise accosted their ears. Stopping under the Golden Arches, they looked back toward Rushock Bog. To their horror, one of the Daleks was flying toward them. Yes, "flying", though "hovering" might be a better description.

"My God!" the Doctor cried. "Who ever would of thought to put post-90's Dalek's in a pre-90's context?"

"Exterminate! Exterminate!"

"Not onlee that," Petty cried. "They've even remembered their catch-cry!"

"Does that make them more dangerous?" Odo squealed, terrified at the sight of the Dalek hovering quickly toward them, looking a bit like it was hanging on invisible silver wires, though, of course, this was highly unlikely, it definitely being a post-90's type Dalek.

"Follow me!" Odo cried, finding a courage he never knew he had, even as he tried to steady his wobbly legs, "I know a secret entrance to Mrs Figgs House of Subtle Pleasures and Seafood."

"I bet you doo.."

"Oh shut up, Petty! There's no time for that!" the Doctor yellled, barely amiably. "Run! Run for your lives!"

DR WHO AND THE DALEKS

Episode 4



"Follow me!" Odo cried, finding a courage he never knew he had, even as he tried to steady his wobbly legs, "I know a secret entrance to Mrs Figgs House of Subtle Pleasures and Seafood."

"I bet you doo.."

"Oh shut up, Petty! There's no time for that!" the Doctor yellled, barely amiably. "Run! Run for your lives!"

And the Doctor and his three intrepid companions bolted toward Needlehole. They entered a copse of trees on the very outskirts and Odo stopped them.

"Quick," he said, "we must follow this little path off the road. There's an old tunnel that will take us directly to Mrs Figgs."

And in no time, Odo was lifting a carefully camoflaged door into the tunnel. It was no easy effort either, for "camoflaged" is never easy to spell, and the fact was they were too much in danger to stop and look it up, even if they had had a dictionary with them, which they didn't.

"Quick. Down this ladder," Odo cried, and the other three slipped down a deep hole, coming out in a rather well made tunnel with the smell of fresh soil permeating the place.

Odo shut the door above the tunnel and soon joined them.

"How will we see?" Porgy asked. "Ooooh! I'm scared of the dark."

"That's not my hand you're holding, dear girl," Doctor Who said amiably.

"Hang on..." Odo said..."There you go."

Suddenly the tunnel was lit up by bright Elvish Orbs.

"Nock the noo, bar humbybumby!" Petty scowled. "This tunnel looks modern --and oo put in the lights?"

"I did," Odo said proudly, with his thumbs behind his braces. "I dug this myself... err... in case of troubles."

"And it goes to Mrs Figgs, is that right, Odo?" Porgy asked in delight. "We always suspected something of the like... Wisey and I used to follow you this way, suspecting you of being up to something somewhere in Needlehole, though we always lost your track in this copse. We were beginning to think you had a magic ring to go with your magic scuttle. Ha! So it's always off to Mrs Figgs, is it? You devil!"

"Err... it's not what you think, Porgy."

"What do I think, Odo?" Porgy grinned knowingly.

" I surely wouldn't know.... "

"'Magic Scootle'?" Petty asked suspiciously. "What Magic Scootle?"

"Who said anything about a magic scuttle?" Odo said hastily. "We only have one - an old rusty unmagical heirloom... Anyhow, follow me."

"I've heard Mrs Figg serves Eels in Salacious Sauce, Odo," Porgy said with some excitement as they followed him. "Is that true, Odo?"

"I wouldn't know, I surely wouldn't know," Odo said as he scuttled onward, picking up the pace.

At last, they came to the neatly pannelled well lit tunnel and found a door.

"This leads into the cellar of Mrs Figg," Odo told them. "I put it here just in case of... troubles."

"You already said that," Petty grated suspiciously.

"Oh don't be so suspicious," the Doctor said. "Odo's explanation seems quite reasonable."

"I dont trust him, Dooktor, he's a Banks! You canna trust them."

"But so am I," Porgy said in a hurt tone as she reached out and laid a delicate caress on the unattractive Scotshobbit's cheek.

" Well, onlee by marriage.. you're not a real Banks, Porgy... But I stand by what I said... specially about Odo - he's the worst of the lot!"

"Oh will you stop getting your pouffles in a knot, Petty," the Doctor rebuked him amiably. "Lead on, good Odo."

And Odo took a key from his pocket and opened the door.

"Buckie!" Petty squealed, very much like a girl would. "Buckie! Buckie!"

"Control yourself," the Doctor told him, but it was too late, for Petty was already lying underneath the tap of one of the many huge buckie barrels in Mrs Figgs cellar.

"Galug galug galug!"

"Typical! " Odo said.

"Who's down there in my cellar? came a queerly metallic voice from atop the stairway of the cellar.

The Doctor and Porgy and Odo looked up to see a strange looking woman on the landing. She was dressed in a frilly nightie and knickers, a suspender belt, and had a feather boa on her strangely shaped head. From the middle of her head stuck out a long rod with a mechanical-looking eye on the end of it.

"Oh it's Mrs Figg!" Odo said joyfully. "And looking as comely as ever."

"Oooh Odo, is that you?"

"It is I, Mrs Figg - but why does your voice sound all electronic somehow?"

"It's because it's NOT your Mrs Figg," the Doctor advised him.

"Yes it is - I've seen her in that nightie before... once.. only once... by accident...."

"Is Mrs Figg usually shaped like an upside down icecream cone?"

"I've never seen her upside down... Oh no, I did once... only once... by accident... She certainly didnt look like an upside down icecream cone at the time, but then again, I was somewhat preoccupied... "

But the Doctor cut Odo off before that respectable Ozhobbbit could incriminate himself any further. "Mrs Figg is a Dalek, Odo! A Dalek"!

"Exterminate! Exterminate!"

The Doctor ran back into the tunnel, dragging Porgy by the hand, who dragged Odo, who dragged Petty, who was realy pissed off.

"Ock the noo... Buckie, where for art thou, ooh Buckie! "

Once back in the tunnel, Odo slammed the door shut.

"That should hold it up," he said proudly with his thumbs behind his braces (again). "It's a deadlock!"

But, to everyone's upmost surprise, the door exploded. Out into the tunnel rolled Mrs Figg Dalek.

"Exterminate! Exterminate!"

"Run! Run for your life!" cried the Doctor, and not for the last time.

DR WHO AND THE TROLLS

Episode 5


Once back in the tunnel, Odo slammed the door shut.

"That should hold it up," he said proudly with his thumbs behind his braces (again). "It's a deadlock!"

But, to everyone's upmost surprise, the door exploded. Out into the tunnel rolled Mrs Figg Dalek.

"Exterminate! Exterminate!"

"Run! Run for your life!" cried the Doctor, and not for the last time.

As they scurried back down the tunnel, Odo cried, "I hope the Daleks haven't captured Mrs Figg, or worse!"

"Ock the noo!" cried Petty in return, his words somewhat slurred, "I hope they doen cut her head off and stick it on a pike outside her cottage industry? What folk would go in kniowing a pack of murderous Dalek's are in there!"

"Oh Sweet Eru smell my socks!" Odo positively bleated. "What about all the other ladies who ply their honest trade in Mrs Figgs cottage industry? I hope they're not captured, or worse, or beheaded!"

"Ock! A brave Ozhobbit would run right back there and try to save any survivors, Odo Banks!"

"As would any brave Tyrant!" Odo said bad temperedly, because he knew Petty was right.

"I would of course, ock nelly, excepting I said it first," Petty retorted angrilly, because he knew Odo was right.

"No point," Dr Who said, "they're either dead or captured. Either way we can't save them, not yet anyhow."

"If they're already dead, you can't save them, Doctor," Porgy wept openly, like any good heroine should do in such circumstances. "Oh where has that horrible tin can gone? I thought it was just behind us!"

"It's the gravel floor in this tunnel. Vacuum cleaner wheels are not all that effective in this situation," the Doctor informed her wisely. "Though I'm assuming it's Pre-90's, of course."

"We're fooked if it's not, Dooktor," Petty gasped.

"That's true."

"Quick," Odo yelled just then. "We must go by this secret passage..."

"A secret passage in a secret tunnel?" Porgy squealed happily, clapping her hands in excitement. "Don't tell me where it goes, Odo, I want it to be a surprise."

"Yes, well... where's the key?"

"Quick! Quick!" Petty yelled, breathing buckie vapor all over Odo's shoulder as he searched frantically for the key to the perfectly invisible door.

"Steady on, Petty - where is that f*^%ing thing?"

"Quack! Quack!" Petty yelled, even more anxiously, falling into his native Scotshobbitish. "Quack the doodle, ock nelly moo moo!"

"Here it is," Odo cried in triumph and suddenly a door hole appeared.

"Well done," the Doctor congratulated him. "That door looks very scientific and modern."

"No, it's Sindaran," Odo told him. "Elvish, you know."

In a trice, the companions were on the other side of the door which closed behind them. And only in the nick of time, for they quickly heard the sound of crunching gravel on the other side, and an evil mechanical voice saying, "Fookin vacuum cleaner wheels..."

"There!" the Doctor said amiably. "I knew it!"

"Whar too now?" Petty asked having regained his senses, and also his Scotshobbit English dialect. "Nock the nee and bollocks! I thought we were gonners ther for a minute."

"I must say, Petty," the Doctor commented amiably, "Your Scotshobbit English dialect does come and go, doesn't it?"

"Never mind that Doctor," Odo implored him. "We may not be out the frying pan yet. That Dalek might be smart enough to find my Elvish door. Follow me!"

So off the companions went again. It was a long walk. Then they caught an underground train powered by Elvish Orbs, which impressed the Doctor very much, and annoyed Petty even more.

"Where did he get the money for this? Magic Scuttle Coal trade?"

"Hush!" Porgy rebuked him. "Be thankful Odo foresaw troubles. If not for that, these tunnels and secret trains would not be here to help us."

"How could he have foreseen our troubles, lassie? "

"It wasn't 'our' troubles, Petty. He said 'troubles', which means, 'possible general troubles', I'd suggest," the Doctor put in reasonably as the train clattered along. "Though, I confess, the whole idea of a train in Middle Earth is dreadfully anachronistic. Mind you, it gives me hope we're returning to a proper Dr Who kind of script. Trains in Middle Earth! Yes, that might cut it..."

"We're almost there," Odo told them as he worked the levers of the train engine, and pushed the blooper, patted the ningnong and curled the whirligig, bringing the train slowly to a stop.

Next thing, Odo was taking them up a stairway deep underground. At last, they came out into a huge room with lots of beds.

"This reminds me of the Year Twelve dormitory at Our Lady of the Ankleklength Frock?" Porgy said in surprise when her eyes grew accustomed again to daylight as it beamed through many latticed windows.

"Yes, indeed," Odo said. "I guess the girls are at class."

"Year Twelve dormitory?" Petty asked, suspiciously. "Why does your tunnel come out here, Odo?"

Odo did not answer immediately, but at last he said: "Well, if there was to be troubles, then the girls would need an escape route."

"And so there are escape passages from all the girl's dorms, Odo?" Porgy cheered, delighted by his forethought.

"Err... I was working on it..."

"Oh how wonderful you are, Odo," and Porgy gave him a huge happy sisterly kiss.

Petty gave him a dirty look.

THe Doctor had walked over to one of the windows. But he ducked back from the window almost immediately. "Is this a school for Dalek's dressed in girl's uniforms?" he asked with some concern.

"Ock noo!" Petty cried. "Does that mean the Year Twelve girls have been captured, or somepin worse!!"

Odo sat on the floor and began to weep...

DR WHO AND THE TROLLS

Episode 6



The Doctor had walked over to one of the windows. But he ducked back from the window almost immediately. "Is this a school for Dalek's dressed in girl's uniforms?" he asked with some concern.

"Ock noo!" Petty cried. "Does that mean the Year Twelve girls have been captured, or somepin worse!!"

Odo sat on the floor and began to weep...

The Doctor seemed peculiarly undisturbed. He walked across to one of the beds. He was wearing flares which he had picked up in Soho around 1982. They were not like the Northern Lights flares, as that would be ridiculous. Porgy noticed them (the pants not the Northern Lights) as if for the first time.

"Oooh I wouldn't mind getting into those pants."

"You remind me of Leela for some reason, with a bit of Sarah Jane," the Doctor said amiably. "Funny how aspects of history repeat, though not all of them. But is this the time for swapping pants, Porgy? I don't think so. But, then again...."

A few minutes later Porgy and the Doctor were changing clothes. The Doctor now wore a lowcut frock, white with poker dots. "I only insisted on a knicker swap for added authenticity," he said, if a bit more amiably than ususal.

"I doenna mind at all, at all," Petty replied, his eyes fixed resolutely on Porgy who was still struggling to pull on the Doctor's underpants - which were very tight on her, all the doctors being such slim chaps, with the possible exception of Tom Baker and one or two others that I haven't seen episodes of.

"Now, all I need is one of my gadgets," the Doctor said. He reached into one of the pockets of his trousers which lay on a bed. "Here it is! Brilliant!"

Out of the pocket he had brought a long rod with a mechanical eye on the end of it. "Got this from a Dalek in 1972. Thought it might come in useful one day."

Petty frowned. "But that's more a prop than a gadget", Dooktor..."

"You're never satisfied, are you?" the Doctor smiled amiably. "Quick, find something to affix it to my forehead."

"What are you planning," Odo asked as he wiped tears from his cheeks. "Do you plan a clever ruse to fool the Daleks, and if so, will you then go and find the Year Twelve girls and rescue them if their alive, and resurrect them with some scientific wizardry, complete in all parts, of course, and with no post-dramatic trauma, if dead?"

"Exactly," the Doctor answered amiably.

"Oooh, goodie," Odo said. "... I mean.. I'm relieved those innocent young girls will be given a second chance."

"You'll give 'em more than a second chance, I wager, ock noo!" Petty said snidely.

"You dirty minded pervert! How unrespectable of you," Odo frowned at him, though he did not look his old enemy in the eye.

"Oh Odo, would you help me fasten the Doctor's shirt buttons?" Porgy asked in frustration. "The shirts so tight about the chest..."

"Aye! I shull!" Petty volunteered at the same second that Odo whispered, "Ooh I shall!"

Which caused a furious furore, until the Doctor made them sit on a bed with their legs crossed while he fastened the buttons himself.

"This shirt is from Krypton, there's no risk of the buttons bursting," the Doctor added, sweating profusely, for it had been no mean effort getting the shirt buttons done up around Porgy's chest, though the toil had been conducted manfully and with a high degree of good humour, and plenty of the usual pleasure one has doing those things, even if you're a Time Lord - apparently.

"What I plan to do first is win over the Dalek Year Twelves to my confidence. Then I'll ask a few cleverly ambiguous questions and find out what they're up to in Middle Earth."

"They'll be trying to exterminate all intelligent life here, Dooktor, nookie nelly za numnootz. Aye, I could even tell you thart, and I'm from Scotshobbiton!"

"Do you mind? Now, while I'm gone, you must sit here quietly and look after poor Porgy. And fear not about her shirt." The Doctor now pulled out a funny circular pendant thing out of his breast pocket (definitely a gadget). It had a red button on it and he compresed it. The Doctor's shirt and trousers - now worn by Porgy of course - shimmered in all sorts of nice reds and yellows for a moment, before returning to their usual color. (The shirt was white, the trousers blue, btw, and the trousers no less figure hugging than the shirt, not that it's important, I just thought my male readers, and one or two of my female readers, might want to know that). "There is no way they'll come off until I get back here, Petty and Odo. We don't want any nonsense going opn while I'm gone, now do we? This is, after all, mainly the Pertwee Dr Who, what."

It was then that Petty and Odo realized that they were more fond of the Tom Baker Doctor (who Odo hadn't ever met, just heard of during this episode). Porgy looked disappointed too, actually.

"I'll see if I can find some melons in the kitchen to complete the disguise," the Doctor said patting his chest affectionately.

Then the Doctor slipped out the door, there having been a banana skin left on the floor by one of the more careless Year Twelves.

With nothing better to do, the three companions went over to peep out the window. Below they saw Doctor Dalek moving slowly across the playing fields, trying to look as much like he was hovering as possible. He appeared to have found some melons, which wobbled and bobbled as he went. Once or twice, he changed his gait to try to look like he was rolling. Nothing worked, so eventually he just kind of shuffled. His eye-rod wobbled precariously, sometimes in rythym with his melons, sometimes not. Then the Doctor reached the line of Year Twelve Daleks. He appeared to have a short conversation with what might have been Janesmith Dalek - it was hard to tell from this distance.

Things semed to be going well, until one of his melons fell out. Which was met with total silent shock by the Year Twelve Daleks. But they were only shocked for a moment.

Faintly there came, "It's the Doctor! Our Mortal Enemy! The Time Lord who we have been trying to kill for about three hundred episodes! Exterimate! Exterminate!"

How dreadful it sounded, sounding as they did like those Daleks from 1965!

With their throats in their mouths, the three companions in the girl's dorm, grabbed each other in a fearful embrace.

"Ock noo, thar Dooktor can't outrun 'em. Not on the flat manicured grass of thart football pitch, anyhoo!"

"He's done for!" Odo wailed. "What about poor Mrs Figg and her ladies, and the Year Twelve girls!"

"How ever will I get undressed again?" Porgy wailed.

DR WHO AND THE TROLLS

Episode 7


Faintly there came, "It's the Doctor! Our Mortal Enemy! The Time Lord who we have been trying to kill for about three hundred episodes! Exterimate! Exterminate!"

How dreadful it sounded, sounding as they did like those Daleks from 1965!

With their throats in their mouths, the three companions in the girl's dorm, grabbed each other in a fearful embrace.

"Ock noo, thar Dooktor can't outrun 'em. Not on the flat manicured grass of thart football pitch, anyhoo!"

"He's done for!" Odo wailed. "What about poor Mrs Figg and her ladies, and the Year Twelve girls!"

"How ever will I get undressed again?" Porgy wailed.

"Ock! Will ya luke at zat! The Daleks are shooting out laser-beam thingees, but they haven't hit the Dooktor yet."

"Oh how can that happen?" Porgy gasped. "I thought they were most effective sentient killing machines..."

"Aye! Probably the deadliest of all the Dooktor's foes - and 'es got a few."

"Then how is he managing to avoid those deadly rays?" Odo said (who knew all about death rays as he had some Flash Gordon comics under his bed at home, however anachronistic that may seem).

"That's it!" Petty exclaimed proudly. "It's not a trick I've seen for a few episodes... he's dodging and swerving, using karate techniques he used in one of the old series from the 70's. Showed those Unit chaps a few tricks, 'e did!"

"What's that?" Odo mused aloud. "You're saying you can avoid the deadly rays from the most deadly electronic species in the Mutliverse by dodging and swerving? "

"Only in the seventies, mind," Petty corrected him. "They were better shots by the 80's."

"Ooh!" breathed Porgy. "I could never get away from anyone wearing that dress - not once."

"You've been chased by Daleks, Porgy? " Petty asked in disbelief.

"Not --- exactly..."

"Humf?" opined Odo, "The question has always been whether you've ever tried to!"

"Ock the noo! Why wouldna she not run from Dalek's, Odo? Are you mad?"

"I wasn't talking about Daleks, Petty. And don't you think folk would have got the joke by now, anyhow?"

"Ock, that's probably true... Ock! The Dooktor's escaped into bushes on the banks of The Water. Those bushes won't stop the Daleks finding him."

"I don't know, you'd be surprised," Odo informed him sagely.

"We must do something," Porgy yelled out suddenly. "I must get hold of the Doctor's gadget!"

"Pardon?" Odo and Petty asked.

"That thing in his pocket!"

"Pardon?"

"Oh, bother and bewuther you two. Come on. We must go and try and help the doctor."

"I guess we will have to," Petty said with a quiver in his voice.

"But why?"asked Odo, aghast. "Didn't he tell us to stay here until he gets back?"

"What if he never gets back?" Porgy asked crossly.

"Well, there'll be chicken in the kitchen, and buckie, too." Odo said hopefully. "That'll keep us going for at least a few days..."

"You seem to know more about the contents of Our Lady's kitchen than Janesmith does," Porgy accused.

"Well, I do lecture here from time to time... Oh, and there's some Old Winyard in the cellar..."

"Seedcake?"

"No, that would draw this story too far away the Dr Who feel. Everyone assumes that to be Hobbit spoof stuff."

"Never mind that!" Porgy scolded. "We must go after the Doctor. If they laser him to death, I might never get out of these clothes -- and my lovely dress will be full of burn holes to boot! Ruined! It will be ruined!" And she began to cry.

"Alright! Alright!" Odo and Petty squealed, neither of them liking it when girls cried, as tears usually lead to girls sharing their feelings, and no (REAL) male can stand that kind of thing.

So the intrepid companions ran out of the room, avoiding the Doctor's banana skin though, as they had seen him slip out the room earlier and did not like that joke in the first place, it being a bit old hat for a Dr Who episode. (Btw the word 'intrepid' is probably not exactly accurate, but it is a good word, and definitely more 'Who' than 'Hobbit' if you sk me, and one must at least try to be consistent - not suggesting that Who always is, mind, as sometime anomalies do occur; I blame it on newer script writers not paying closer attention, or showing proper respect, to earlier writers. But anyway....)

"We must be very very careful," Petty told them as they made their way down magic stairways and through a series of magic portraits, some of Dawn French dressed as a big fat 19th century woman - or, at least, I think it was the 19th century.

"Our Lady's is not only full of students keen to learn all aspects of both Respectability and Male Serving," Odo explained to them as he lead them by every secret hidden way imaginable. "But there are said to be ghosts, too, and goblins, and wizards of every description, none of them original in any way, of course."

"Ooh you make Our Lady's sound like Hogwarts," cooed Porgy, clapping her hands.

"Hogwarts?" Petty queried. "What the fook is that?"

"It's a school of magic and mimicry I read about on palantir... I'm not sure anyone's put it down on vellum yet in Forumshire."

"It's not a real place, like Middle Eartgh or the Mutliverese is it?" Odo asked.

"Of course not, silly, it's all stitched together from borrowed sources, old stories, myths, legends, the works of Tolkien, and Milne, and Beatrix Potter, and T.H. White, and... well, from every lucrative literary mine the Author could scavenge from..."

"Who the fook is Tolkien, anyhoo?" Petty wanted to know, suspiciously.

"Sounds foreign..." Odo agreed, suspiciously.

"Anyway, shouldn't we be getting on," Porgy said, sounding a bit disgruntled, as I guess most girls would if they had their Potter queried in any way. ( ).

"Alright, if we go through this large barrel..." Odo said, as by now they were in the cellar.

"You do seem to know of a lot of secret doors, Odo," Porgy said, impressed.

"Well, if that fool Frodo hadn't destroyed the Ring, I wouldn't have had to spend half my fortune creating a whole matrix of secret ways to go about my... perfectly legitimate business.. and also prepare for 'troubles'."

"Yeah, that's what everyone in Needlehole think," Porgy agreed. "That Frodo Baggins was a dullard. Why would anyone destroy such a useful piece of jewelery?"

"Fookin' ock nell and the noo!" cried Petty in deepest aghast troubled consternation. "Are you two agog with stupidity!? That Ring needed to be destroyed - or the whole world would have been changed to the ill. Blackness would have taken over."

"Right you are, Petty. What was I thinking," Odo consoled the red faced Scotshobbit. "It's the pressure of these Daleks on me and all. Making me cynical, and all." Behind his hand, Odo whispered to Porgy, "Fookin 'Purists'. They're all the same! "

" " agreed Porgy.

A few minutes later, Odo cautiously opened a door that exited the dormitory building near the girl's toilets. To their great surprise, the Doctor was ther, looking rather hot and flushed.

"How the hell did you find us?" Odo asked.

"A pure coincidence!" the Doctor said in a harried amiable tone. "I'd just taken a pee in these toilets." Petty said, aghast.

"But they're the girl's toilet!"

""Did you expect me to pee against a wall?" the Doctor answered amiably. "But never mind. There were no girls in there. They're all locked up in pens on the Dalek spaceships."

"Ock! What are they like?"

"Very advanced. Thirty Third Century. Laid out with super advanced computers, nano-technologies and other whizbang Dr Who type amazing things, including warp-machines, black hole-penetrators and threadtheory-reactorators... Don't ask me what they do... I only had a few seconds to pop in before the Daleks were after me again."

"On mun, you're joking," Petty said. "I never knew they had anything like that."

"Of course you do, Petty, remember all those times we got captured and placed in the Dalek spacepens?"

"Ock, soory Dooktor. I thort you were torking about the girl's toilets. I have navva been in one, but I assumed they weren't much different to bo'y's toilets."

"No urinals, that's the main difference," Odo told him with some authority.

" I was talking about the Dalek spaceship. It's parked behind the Our Lady glasshouse," said the Doctor in a weary amiable voice.

"We know that now, of course," Odo said.

"Aye," said Petty in a hurt tone.

Just them they heard queer metallic electronic, quite familiar by now, voices, talking on the other side of the toilets.

"How the f*^k did you miss him, TB40?

"He was dodging... crackle...and swerving like nobodies business, NME12.3. Why The Master sent such a ragtail... buzz...bunch of Pre-90's Daleks here I don't know. You're the only Post-90's .. whizzlewhizzzle... model here. But, of course, you weren't there when you might have been useful...crackle...."

"Eegad! That's him there! With those hobbit companions..."

"Hee! Hee... buzz-crackle...! Hee hee! I can't take Hobbits serious.. bizzle... I mean, in Dr Who... Who'da thought it... Hee hee... buzz-crackle-whizzle... My triple A f*^kin' batteries' are goin' flat..."

"You f*^kin' pre-90's Daleks. You're all the same. Why didn't you charge up this morning..."

"Sorry. Slept in. And Janesmith Dalek insisted on all those... whizzlebuzzle... calis-fookin-thenics... Why bother? Who... ping-ping-boing...are were trying to fool anyhow?... whizzlebuggle...."

"Never mind that now! It's the Doctor! We must pay attention, or we'll never kill him. Exterminate! Extermin... Hey! Where the f*^k have they gone now?"

"They keep doing that."

"How come they find a secret door every time we catch 'em cold? "

"Yeah,,, buzz.... whirr... crackle... it's really starting to piss me right off!.... ... buzz-wiggle..."

DR WHO AND THE TROLLS

Episode 8


"Never mind that now! It's the Doctor!" [said NME12.3] "We must pay attention, or we'll never kill him. Exterminate! Extermin... Hey! Where the f*^k have they gone now?"

"They keep doing that."

"How come they find a secret door every time we catch 'em cold? "

"Yeah,,, buzz.... whirr... crackle... it's really starting to piss me right off!.... ... buzz-wiggle..."

Meanwhile, Odo was leading his companions back through many secret tunnels to the Year Twelve Girl's dormitory. Once there, they had a quick lie down, as they had been doing a lot of running and were quite puffed out. After a few minutes, the Doctor reluctantly gave Porgy her dress back and was pleased to see (along with Odo and Petty) Porgy divest herself of his own constricting clothing.

"Ooooh," Porgy said, once she had put her dress back on. "I've got scorch marks everywhere!" And she began to cry.

"There there," said the Doctor, änd patted her hand as he sat on her bed beside her. "You'll be fine. Odo, go find a cup of tea for the poor girl. She has been through a difficult day, and now her dress has burn holes and brown scorch marks. Poor thing. These things are catastrophic for a young girl."

"It's my going-out dress," Porgy confided with her head on the Doctor's shoulder, weeping tears onto his lap. She was in such a devastated state that she begn to talk about her feelings to him, and Petty hurried off after Odo to see if he could help make the tea.

About two hours later, once an exhausted Porgy had unburdened all her feelings about her life as a young and abused young girl, a disobedient teenager and a faithful devoted wife and mother, she fell to simpering weakly on the Doctor's shoulders. It was at exactly this time that Petty and Odo, who had been tactfully waiting outside the door of the dorm until it was safe to come back in, brought in a nice cup of cold tea. Porgy didn't mind that it was cold, because unburdening yourself (if you're a girl) can be hot work, but she was slightly disappointed that they had forgotten to put in a spoonful of sugar, her having a sweet tooth and all; but nonetheless she was touched by their kindness and gave them both a hug. It was one of those awkward hugs a girl gives you when they're a bit sad, not one of those other kinds of hugs that make a boy very happy, very happy indeed, if you know what I mean, and I'm sure you do.

"What now, Dooktor?" Petty asked.

"We must go and see this Wizard of Oz chap, I think."

"Hoo, Dooktor?"

"This 'Tower of Lore' chappie."

"Oooh, you're meanin' Eldorion..."

"That's him," and the Doctor gave a little amiable laugh. "I was thinking of someone else actually. I think I saw the Wizard of Oz in the "'Wizard of Oz'. Oh yes, it was in a most Brilliant movie I saw back in my Unit days... It's about a lovely young girl who meets Munchkins, and a Lion, a witch and a wardrobe. And you'd just love her ruby slippers, Porgy - you'd look great with them on. And there's a Straw Man - which every country needs - and a Tin Man... You see, the girl - Dorothy her name is - or Lucy - or Judy --- anyhow she finds a wardrobe and it's magic and she passes through it into a fantasy land called Banarnia, where, sadly, the weather is now too cold to grow bananas, or something like that, though it's still is full of colour, mainly hues of white, but plenty of others, mainly wintry --- because her own land is black and white, you see --- and there are all these Munchkins and a talking Faun, not a deer mind, just a chap with deer legs... I must watch it again one day. My memories are hazy. I have seen a lot of good movies in 900 or so years, and one of course can't remember every movie... All I know is, the movie was much better than the book..."

Petty and Odo looked at each other as if to say: "What the f*&k?"

"Anyhow," the Doctor said, coming out of his reverie. "This Lore chap - 'Boringdon' did you say?"

"'Eldorion'" Odo said.

"Yes, that's him. How do we reach him?"

"If we can get the buscart outside Mrs Figgs..." Odo began.

"But we can't go back there, you fool! Nock the noo!"

"Steady, Petty," Odo frowned. "We can't go to Mrs Figgs but we can go to the cottage industry across the road. I know of a secret way there..."

"Ock the noo, you would!"

"... and the Dalek's may not have overtaken it yet."

"Isn't Lady Ga Ga's Trinkets, Ornaments and Useful Personal Tools Shoppe across the road from Mrs Figg's?" Porgy asked, brightening at the thought, and taking her head off the Doctor's shoulder. "I get my Bored Wife Aids from there. Not that I should go mentioning that, I guess." She giggled.

"Off we go then," the Doctor said amiably. "Lead the way, my good Mr Banks."

So Odo took them by multifarious secret ways back to his train deep underground. But just as he compressed the gorgonpump and had elevated the squigglemonitor, a horrid mechanical voice came down the last downsloping tunnel they had taken.

"Doctor! Doctor! We know you're down there! Here we come! Extermin... whizzlegumper.. ate! ... Ex... grumplegrumple... term.... whizzle... in... pimmel-whimmel... ate!"

All around them, blue and yellow and green laser beams began to shoot about, smashing the tunnel walls, the roof, the train tracks behind them.

"Drive!" the Doctor yelled. "Drive, Odo! Drive for our lives!"

Ooh! It keeps on getting more exciting!

Orwell gone into publishing now has he?

DR WHO AND THE TROLLS

Episode 9


So Odo took them by multifarious secret ways back to his train deep underground. But just as he compressed the gorgonpump and had elevated the squigglemonitor, a horrid mechanical voice came down the last downsloping tunnel they had taken.

"Doctor! Doctor! We know you're down there! Here we come! Extermin... whizzlegumper.. ate! ... Ex... grumplegrumple... term.... whizzle... in... pimmel-whimmel... ate!"

All around them, blue and yellow and green laser beams began to shoot about, smashing the tunnel walls, the roof, the train tracks behind them.

"Drive!" the Doctor yelled. "Drive, Odo! Drive for our lives!"

"Hurry, Odo, hurry!"

"I'm going as fast as I can... Now, where is it? Oh here it is..."

Toot! Toot!

"Oh how exciting,"Porgy squealed as she ducked a green laser beam.

The train began to move off, painfully slow it seemed, due to the tension of the situation.

Toot! Toot!

"Will you stop pullin' that toot-chord, Odo, and put your foot doon!" Petty squealed in a voice every bit as girly as Porgy's.

"Ouch!" cried the Doctor.

"Oook, Dooktor! Have you been hit!"

"Got me in the arm, Petty, but never mind... it's just a flesh wound... in the bicep... So long as I don't get septicaemia, I'll be okay."

"Do Dooktor's even get septicaemia?"

"I can't remember -- it's not like I'm a Who nerd... I leave that for the fans...."

"I don't know if septicaemia even exists in Middle Earth anyhow," Odo said as he escalated the perumbulator, trying to find more speed.

At last, the little train had gathered speed and it hurtled along the tunnel. After a time, Odo elevated the anchorism and the train began to slow.

"Ock! Why are you sloowin' doon, Odo?" Petty asked nervously, looking back down the tunnel. "Those Daleks could be even now hurtlin' down to git us!"

"I'm looking for the correct door..." Odo said, almost talking to himself. "Shush! I need to concentrate. What I'll do is activate the autosmoogulator and send the train down to Caer Paravel while we nick off up the passage to Lady Ga Ga's."

"Brilliant!" the Doctor applauded him. "You seem to know every trick in the book. You know, you'd make a great burglar, Odo. I could put you in touch with a certain Wizard, I know..."

"Excuse me, Doctor," Odo said with some annoyance. "Next you'll be calling me a thief, a sneak and a pervert... Burglar! I mean to say."

"Never mind him," Porgy said to the Doctor. "He gets like this when he's out of sorts. Hates people suggesting that he might be capable of doing anything unrespectable."

"A Tory then?"

"Aye!" Petty put in. "And worse than a dragon in a pinch!"

"Eru bless us!"Odo exclaimed. "Here's the door."

"Where?"

"Speak, 'Friend' and open the f*&^%$#g door" Odo instructed the wall.

"What?" the Doctor asked amiably.

Suddenly, white lines began to form in an otherwise blank teak-pannelled tunnel wall.

"It's obviously Elvish!" Porgy said with eyes wide.

"Reminds me of those wonderful doors the Doobies from Woobie Planet constructed," the Doctor reminisced amiably. "They lived in the Speckled Galaxy before the Cybermen genocided them and replaced their secret doors with French Windows. Never liked the Fench, myself - but they make great Cybermen..."

"Quick now," Odo said urgently.

And the companions rushed through the door. They caught a last glance at Odo's train as it rolled off in the direction of Caer Paravel (presumably).

"Farewell, Thomas," Odo said with a tear in his eye. "I may never see you again."

Then the door closed. Just in time, as it presently became clear. Out in the tunnel they heard the sound of cluttery-clanking, and also a hovery noise.

"There's that train," came a muted mechanical voice. "Will, you please get a move on!"

"Bizzle-wiggle.. It's these f*&k87g tracks, my wheels keep getting stuck... bizzle..."

"We must hurry. Here's our chance... It's only a hundred metres ahead.."

"How much... quibble-quibble... is that in feet?"

"I wish you'd adjust to the metric system."

"Bizzle-wiggly-wiggly... I think... buggum... that... yingle-twingle.. my triple A's are... buzzle.... going... yiggyyigg... flaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.... boggle...."

"Come on, you can do it... Oh my gawd! He's gone flat.... Darn nabbit! What do I do now? Do I hover on and destroy the Doctor once and for all, or do I stay here and stick my prospectus in his input and give a slamcharge?.. Mmm... I might do just that..."

'Zzzz.... zzz... zzzz. ooooooooh... zzzz.... zzz zzz... aaaaah.... zzz zzz zzz....'

"Hurry," Odo said. "I've got an orb-powered hovercart down the end of this passage."

"Orb-powered hovercart?" the Doctor mused. "I must reassess my knowledge of nineteenth century-cum-mediavel worlds. Mind, that's a conundrum in itself."

Once in Odo's orb-powered hovercart, they reached Lady Ga Ga's in no time.

Lady Ga Ga was not at her premises when Odo lead them up through a secret panel in her showroom floor. The companions stood for awhile impressed by the array of trinkets, ornaments and other useful personal tools on display, but they couldn't stay. Time (apparently) was of the essence!

They went outside and sat at the bus stop, hoping that no Daleks found them there. It was a tense wait, but at last the Needlehole-Tower of Law bus turned up, drawn by five sleek unicorns and driven by Fatso Brandybuck, originally from Stock but now living in a suburb of Needlehole with his friend, Porker Burrowes.

"Good afternoon, gentlehobbits and funny looking man. Where are you going?"

"Four tickets to the Tower of Lore, please," said Odo.

"Oh Mr Banks! I didnt recognise you at first. Will you be wishing for a 'quick' getaway type of ride, or a more leisurely progress?"

"As quick as your unicorns can go, my good hobbit."

"Ha! Aint it always the way, Sir."

And Fatso whipped up his unicorns and off they sped.

"I am quite unfamiliar with your ways here," the Doctor said. "But don't we pay some kind of fare for this kind of transporting?"

"Oh no," Porgy told him with a smile. "Not Odo Banks."

"Ock the noo! It's an ootrage!"

"You can pay, if you like," Odo said crossly.

"Ock -- noo I'm oright with it, on reflection..." Petty said, quite meakly now, and holding his sporran protectively, as if he suddenly expected someone was about to steal his coins, which he'd had since he was a lad.

Suddenly, they heard - to their utmost surprise - a whirring-hovery noise. And out through Lady Ga Ga's window, with a great crashing of glass, came the post-90's Dalek. Behind him rolled out the pre-90's Dalek - who loked rather pleased in a way, which is strange to say of a Dalek, but there, I've said it.

"Exterminate! Exterminate!" they both cried stridently in their mechanical voices.

"Giddyup, Rudolf! Giddyup Pumpkin! Giddyup Robust!" Fatso Brandybuck said, quite calmly, for he was used to this kind of thing when it came to Mr Banks. Just then a laser beam hit his hat and knocked it off his round head. "Well, I never," he said, and whipped the unicorns a bit more vigorously.

"Whip!" the Doctor cried. "Whip it, my good hobbit. Whip-it for our lives!"

Pettytyrant101 wrote:Orwell gone into publishing now has he?

Pardon, Petty? I surely don't know what you're on about!

I must have been mistaken Orwell.

"holding his sporran protectively, as if he suddenly expected someone was about to steal his coins, which he'd had since he was a lad."- damn straight! And they ain't going anywhere soon.

Mrs Figg Dalek? upside down icecream cone? who writes this stuff? I need to have stern words

Odo, a Tory? Well I never.

This gets better and better with each episode!

DR WHO AND THE TROLLS

Episode 10


Suddenly, they heard - to their utmost surprise - a whirring-hovery noise. And out through Lady Ga Ga's window, with a great crashing of glass, came the post-90's Dalek. Behind him rolled out the pre-90's Dalek - who loked rather pleased in a way, which is strange to say of a Dalek, but there, I've said it.

"Exterminate! Exterminate!" they both cried stridently in their mechanical voices.

"Giddyup, Rudolf! Giddyup Pumpkin! Giddyup Robust!" Fatso Brandybuck said, quite calmly, for he was used to this kind of thing when it came to Mr Banks. Just then a laser beam hit his hat and knocked it off his round head. "Well, I never," he said, and whipped the unicorns a bit more vigorously.

"Whip!" the Doctor cried. "Whip it, my good hobbit. Whip-it for our lives!"

"Ock! We'll never outrun the Daleks, Dooktor," Petty whimpered plaintively. "One of 'em's a hover-Dalek."

"Never heard of one," the Doctor scorned him amiably. "What next? Gay Cybermen?"

"Nooo.. what I meant were, it's one of them that cun hover throo the air and not be slowed, not even by the roughest road surface!"

"Then you should have said, 'Ock! We'll never outrun the Daleks, Dooktor. One of 'em's a hovering Dalek.'"

"F^%$#*g 'ell. We're aboot to be zapped to a painfool death and you're splittin airs!"

"Fear not!" Fatso Brandybuck told them sagely. "These are the fastest unicorns in all of Erudom."

"They look Alpha Centaurean, good buscart driver," the Doctor said. "Are these unicorns even from Middle Earth?"

"Strictly - no," Fatso answered as he flicked the unicorns in a uniform manner with his whip. "Mr Banks got 'em for me from a parrallel universe. Isn't that so, Mr Odo!"

"I bought them from a man who knew a dwarf who knew an elf, that's all I know," coughed our Mr Banks. "Where they came from before that, I can't say. Cost me a pretty penny too, I might add."

"You own these unicorns, ock the noo?" Petty said suspiciously. "Do you own ALL of Needlehole, then?"

"Errr... not something I like to talk about. The taxhobbit, you know..."

"Well, stroke my sporran with a goose feather! "

"But how did they get here in the first place?" the Doctor wondered in surprised amiability. "I suspect a Fracture in the Elemental Canvass. When did you get hold of them, Mr Banks?"

"I didn't 'get 'em'," Odo said, on his dignity. "They were 'purchased' not 'got'. And not cheaply neither as I said."

"A Fracture in the Elemental Canvass, Dooktor! But that can mean only one thing, mun!"

"Yes, Petty, I'm afraid so."

"Oh Doctor," Porgy whimpered and threw herself into his arms in the back seat of the buscart. "What does it mean?"

"Dear Porgy, I don't know how to tell you this," the Doctor said carefully, clearly reluctant to say what needed to be said, but at last he spoke. "Did you realise one of your breasts has fallen out?"

"Never mind that!" Odo cried.

"I doen mind! "

"Shut up, Petty! ... Doctor, are you saying my unicorns came from a different universe altogether?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying, Mr Banks. Different universe, different planet, different time zone."

Odo fell silent for a moment. Then, under his breath, he reflected, "Mmm.... I wonder if they came through quarantine...?"

"Pardon?"

"Never mind..."

"Ock nelly the noowoo, Dooktor! We're leavin' that hovering Dalek behind."

"As it happens," the Doctor smiled amiably. "The Daleks, however fast their hoverers are, are only the second most swift creature in the Multiverse. I thought you'd have known that by now, Petty."

"I doen believe it. Wot! And the unicorns are the swiftest?"

"The ones from Alpha Centauri, Petty. Any others are only slightly faster than horses. The ones from Gorky Prime are actually not much faster than a longhaired pony from Dover."

"The fastest creatures in the Multiverse! Well, that was lucky then, Dooktor."

"It was, Petty, it really was."

Before long, they had gone around a turn in the road, and the hovering Dalek had disappeared from sight.

They had not gone far when Fatso began to slow down for the next bus stop.

"Why are we stopping?" Petty wanted to know, his sporran twitching violently as he looked nervously back over his shoulder.

"That's Mrs Figg, if my eyes serve me correctly," Odo said, smiling a secret smile.

Seeing Odo's secret smile, Petty groaned, "Noooo! Mrs Figg is a Dalek."

"That's a damn slur, Petty..." Odo said stoutly. "Yes, she has a nasty side, we know that, but I can safely say, it's not really nastiness at all, it's actually just her fiery red headed temper.... Doesn't suffer fools, you see..."

"Nooo! Doen you remember? The Dalek's got 'er and one even dressed up in her negligee and suspender belt!"

"Oh my goodness!" Odo cried. "He's right."

"Let's not be hasty," the Doctor said thoughtfully as the buscart was slowing to a stop. His voice fell to a whisper. "What we'll do is this, chaps. When we pull up, I want you, Odo and Petty, to jump out and grab a firm hold of her and turn her upside down. If she's a Dalek we'll tell from the shape."

"If she's a Dalek she'll laser beam us afore then..." Petty gasped.

"Not if you're swift. Don't forget they always say, "Terminate! Terminate'!" before they ever try to do it."

"That's troo, Dooktor, onlee too troo."

"You must be quick though... Here we are... At the count of three... Oh, well done lads."

Petty and Odo had leaped from the buscart and had grabbed Mrs Figg - and it was Mrs Figg - one of each side, quickly up-ending her.

"Hey! You bastards! What are you doin?" Mrs Figg squealed angrilly with her dress over her head.

Petty and Odo quickly un-ended her again.

"Oh I do apologise, Mrs Figg," said Odo. "We thought you might be a Dalek."

"Oh is that you, Odo? Oh well, no harm done - though next time you must negotiate a price before you do something like that; that's only respectable."

"I do apologise."

"You already have. Please don't go on about it. As to me being a Dalek, all my friends will tell you I'm not - except those bitches at Lesbo Proudfoot's House of Lesbian Pleasantness - and who would ever believe a journalist who is also a Madam?"

"Quick!" Fatso called. "That flying inverted ice cream cone is catching up!"

They clambered back into the buscart. Fatso flicked is whip, and in a flash Odo's unicorns were clip-clopping at stupendous speed.

Mrs Figg growled, "Those bastards took over my cottage industry and threw me out on my arse."

"I wonder why they didn't take you and put you in a pen on their spaceship?" the Doctor pondered.

"I don't know," Mrs Figg told him, suddenly thoughtful. "Mind, they did say I was a foul mouthed bitch. Could that have anything to do with it? Surely not..."

"Were the Daleks who threw you out of your cottage industry of hovering type?"

"No, they were the ones with vacuum cleaner wheels."

"Ha! No wonder they didn't like foul language. The hoverers would have only noted your language as 'colourful', you see."

"That might explain it, Sir," said Mrs Figg, though she seemed unconvinced.

"Where are you going, Mrs Figg?" Fatso asked during a gap in conversation, he being a polite hobbit.

"The Tower of Lore, my good hobbit," Mrs Figg told him.

"That'll be four pence then, Mrs Figg."

"Four pence! That's outrageous."

"Oh no, I'm sure it's most fair and equitable," Odo put him helpfully.

"Hey! Is that a Dalek in the road ahead?" Porgy asked.

"Oh no!" Petty whimpered. "Who could have expected a roodblook!"

"Exterminate! Exterminate!"

GGGGgrrrrrrrrr!! when I catch hold of the writer of this spurious tale there will be sparks flyin from someones Ozbuttocks!
Mind you they do say truth is stranger than fiction.

Mrs Figg wrote:GGGGgrrrrrrrrr!! when I catch hold of the writer of this spurious tale there will be sparks flyin from someones Ozbuttocks!
Mind you they do say truth is stranger than fiction.

"Ozbuttocks"? Are you speculating, Mrs Figg, or do you know something about the Bugle's Anonymous Author that the rest of the Forumshirer's don't? (I am, of course, sworn to keep his identity a secret ).

No it was a wild surmise, or hint, or perplexed confabulation pertaining to tentative conjectitudes. But whatever the source, they are in deep doodoo if they keep referring to me as a Dalek. And foul mouthed, although they do say truth is stranger than fiction.

Oh - okay then

I am absolutely shocked at this cliffhanger! Downright flabbergasted, I tell you. Wouldn't have seen it coming in a million years.

Very skilled writer, that Anonymous Author. Knows how to keep a cliff hanger fresh, if you know what I mean?

DR WHO AND THE TROLLS

Episode 11



"Where are you going, Mrs Figg?" Fatso asked during a gap in conversation, he being a polite hobbit.

"The Tower of Lore, my good hobbit," Mrs Figg told him.

"That'll be four pence then, Mrs Figg."

"Four pence! That's outrageous."

"Oh no, I'm sure it's most fair and equitable," Odo put him helpfully.

"Hey! Is that a Dalek in the road ahead?" Porgy asked.

"Oh no!" Petty whimpered. "Who could have expected a roodblook!"

"Exterminate! Exterminate!"

"Pull up! Pull up!" Petty yelled in Fatso's ear. "We'll all be kilt if you canna pull up in time!"

"I can't - we're doin' two twenty," Fatso said calmly, as if he encountered this kind of thing quite often, and probably had knowing Odo.

"Let me see," the Doctor mumbled, just as calmly. "I wonder if I've still got my Dalek-finder... Oh good. I do. Let me see."

While he was talking the Doctor pulled out what looked like a torch with a ball of blue cellophane sticky taped to the end.

Odo and Petty looked querously at each other, and Porgy asked the obvious question. "Oh Doctor, does thart gadget do what it's name implies it does?"

"Indeed it does. It actually tells you where the closest Daleks's are, from two point three kilometres down to the nearest inch."

"But why didn't you use it earlier?"

"There's a perfectly good explanation for it, my dear. Perfectly good. --- Now, it also can compute what any given Dalek is made of... Let me see. Cellulose, paper glue, ink... mmmm interesting!"


"Hurry Dooktor, we're almost on 'em, " Petty bleated like a very frightened lamb. "Do something!"

The Doctor was unfazed though. "Driver, do you think you can get your unicorns to drop horns?"

"I was just about to do that, Mr Doctor!"

Two seconds later, the unicorns dropped their horns and charged the four Daleks in the road, throwing those fiendish sentient machines high into the air.

"Sweet Eru eat my banana!" Odo exclaimed. "They're just cardboard cutouts."

"Yes, a diabolically clever ruse," the Doctor told them sagely. "Which begs the question 'Why'?"

"It's not one of those questions we've been having that the Anonymous Author doesn't bother answering, is it Dooktor?" Petty asked in frustration.

"No, this one I will answer. If the Dalek's are using the carboard cutout ruse, what does that imply, Petty?"

"Ock the noo! I don't f#$%^g noo!"

"It means their covering up an important fact."

"Aye?"

"And that is?"

"Goo on, Dooktor."

"It means they're covering up the fact that there is only three of them in Forumshire."

"Ock?"

"Well, we've only seen three so far. At least, I think it's only three, and I'm certainly not going back through all the Episodes to confirm my hunch (and calculation)."

"Three, Dooktor?"

"Well, there were three trolls, right?"

"Yes."

"And we've seen two with vacuum cleaner wheels, and one hoverer, right?"

"That's troo, Dooktor, as best as I can remember."

"That makes perfect sense!" Odo applauded. "Well done Doctor."

"As a general rule, only two have been chasing us, Doctor," Porgy said. "Where's the third one?"

"I saw him guarding the Year Twelve Girl pens on their spaceship. I snuck past him when we were at Our Lady's. Luckilly, he had had a bit too much elfwine - was a bit snoozy."

"Ock!?" said Petty. "Doo Daklek's drink elfwine?"

"What the hell do you think they do? Drink petroleum? They may ostensibly be puny little beings in metal suits, Petty, but they're still beings."

"Sorry Dooktor. I foogot!"

"And so you should be, you being a Who tragic and all. By the way, you must do something about that Scotshobbit accent. It's all over the place."

"Aye!"

"Now, Mr Banks, how far is it to this Tower of Lore place?"

"It's just over the next hill. A tall rounded tower with a great ball of windows at the top."

"Is it shaped something like a large curcumcized penis?"

"Indeed, it is. How did you know?"

"I think I saw it on the front page of The Daily Purist once. Petty always gets a copy wherever we go in the Universe. Very popular, you know."

"Popular!" Odo exploded. "Have you ever perchance seen The Archet Bugle? Very reputable..."

"No, I don't think so. Heard of it Petty?"

"Noo.. Probably one of those parrallel universe things, Dooktor."

"Oh how spooky," Porgy said. "Uncanny things like that make me tingle all over."

Odo glowered but said nothing.

Before long the buscart was drawn over the hill. And there before them stood a great upthrusting erection set above two huge rounded mountain boulders: the Tower of Lore.

"Can anyone see any Daleks?" the Doctor asked.

"No, not me," said Odo, and Fatso shook his head too. After looking round a bit, Porgy followed suit.

Petty thought a moment and a questioning look slowly formed on his dim witted face. "Shouldn't you use your Dalek-finder to make sure, Dooktor?"

"Great idea. Let me see... Nope, not one for miles."

"Ock! " Petty exclaimed. "That'd be a real turn up for the books, mun, and no mistook!"

What a way to end a Dr Who episode! Changing things up, are we, Anonymous Author? However, I must note your description of the Tower of Lore is emphatically not what it looks like! ((()))

The Archet Bugle wrote:iy: they're preter



w

"Exactly!" the Doctopr said in amiable triumph. "Exactly!"

NB I think this is supposed to be Episode 11, and what is that at the end?