DEBATE YOUR CANDIDATES

yes I learnt everything from him, how to shoe a horse, kill a boar at ten paces, and the finely tuned study of aristocratic chins, less chin more inbreeding, how to tell a prospective husband from the way he handles a combine harvester, and to refuse any suitor on the grounds he is called Rupert, no good came to any woman marrying a Rupert.

Don't think a Tyrant would suit then Mrs Figg, we have strong manly chins (for hobbits) and I can't even work a single harvster let alone a combined one- I don't even now how many horses you need.
On th eplus side there are no Ruperts in the Tyrant line, not a name you'd live long with in Scotshobbitland Rupert. The jokes about tartan trousers would be bad enough for a start!

Deer Peepel,

Nunkle Odd tol mee I shood run...

eye sed, wot?

Ee sed, I shood tryoot four orface

I sed, wot?

Mare, he sed. Mare!

un orss, didya sae, Nunkle?

Mare! - az in Well Witfoot, ya dunse!

I sed, well, youse dun need ta bee rude, Nunkle, i didna no wot ya waz guttin oot!

Zen Orwil sed, ime frowin me wait behund youse,

und eye sed, no, youse fookin wont bee, ya pig.

No, ee sez, ime goin to sarpot ya runnin four eyest orface.

O, i sez, zats diffren; butt you cum uneware neer mee arse und i'll nock to oot ta tewsdy!


Voat Wun: Biffo. Ive got bugg muskals.

Oh, well, what a turn up for the books. My nephew Biffo (who never listens to any of my slowly and carefully explained directions) is running for Mayor! Well, he's a hard worker, and surpringingly intelligent... after a fashion... and a wonderful digger, and not afraid of the dark... A sturdy most reliable fellow... Yes, I'll certainly consider voting for him. Yes... Not that I am deeply fond of him, or that he's obedient, or does exactly what I tell him; not at all... Independant, that's what I'd call him. Just the kind of hobbit who is fit for High Office. And I assure everyone, never the type to follow my slowly and carefully explained instructions... Yes, well worth considering.

No matter what, I'll vote for Biffo, I think. A solid candidate in my opinion.

I think a better campaign slogan for Biffo would be Orwell's characterization of his sexuality from way back when: Vote Biffo: Large balls say it all. (Would set up an interesting battle with Pretty, too!)

I believe Biffo will be running a "clean" campaign, Eldo. Mind, I don't think Odo will be carefully advising or financially backing Biffo, but Odo will, of course, supply plenty of "moral" support. And, of course, I could never be bribed to say exactly what Odo tells me to say either, just in case some people might be thinking that.

So, are you still withdrawn and supporting Biffo? Bureaucrats in the Administration want to know.

I am definitely certain I am out of the campaign, though, of course, nothing is ever definitely certain in politics. I can't be more open and honest than that at this time.

fre egz*

fre buckie*

fre dom*

Voat Wun: Biv: Yore Fren

*Pleez nut: no mor an fre ut wunce tho - speshlee zoze 'dom' thungs, doen no ware ime gunna gut thoze

{{{wot, Nunkle? nut 'fre', uz in wun mor un to? 'fre' uz in 'noo charge' - oh... sorrie but zat, Nunkle...}}}

stul doen no ware ime gunna gut zoze 'dom' thungs ooh 'fre condoms' meybee? za maks sens...

Orwell wrote:I am definitely certain I am out of the campaign, though, of course, nothing is ever definitely certain in politics. I can't be more open and honest than that at this time.

With a statement like that, this election is clearly losing a great politician.

Free condoms! Well, what an excellent idea. Less unwanted pregnancies. Less disease transmission. Less drain on my pocket - and I've been going through them like nobodies business, and they're not cheap! What a great candidate. And free eggs. So nutritious. And free buckie - that'll please the Scotshobbit demographic. Splendid, Biffo, splendid!

I think he meant 'free dom", Orwell - though, of course, I didn't put that word in his mouth. What he was trying to say (if I'm right, of course) is that Biffo will give out free eggs to the needy, and free buckie to the ... err... needy.... and also emancipate all Forumshire folk from Eldo's heavy hand, "freedom" from oppression, you know. Very subtle of him, I think. {{{Probably far too subtle, come to think }}} And, anyhow, what's that rubbish about you and condoms? Weren't you telling me only recently that you still had that one you carried around in your wallet back at Kimberley Heights Senior Elementary in 1974 - that's if it hasn't perished yet? Have you had it out recently to check?

{{{Odo, what is discussed in in backroom campaign meetings should stay there! What if I let slip your 'involvement' in Bif's run for office? You wouldn't ike that, now would you? }}}

... Oh sorry, Orwell, I was thinking of that other Orwell who comes here now and then. What's that powder puffs name? All puff and no powder! Oh yes, Orwell McDoodle, or something like that, a great pretender if ever there was one. Of course, Biffo is not giving out free condoms, he's not barking mad! Everyone knows you would drain the whole Forumshire supply in no time. Will there be no Lady safe from your predatory behaviour? Oh my goodness, how naughty you are. Such a womaniser! I must commit myself to damning you at Church - from the very pulpit - for your oh so naughty naughtiness!


{{{There, Orwell, satisfied? And no more bleating, hear! }}}

I need more convincing if any of you lot want my vote, nothing has been said about wimmins rights, Ill give you a few pointers. wimmin want...
1. men that dont snore in your ear.
2. men that dont fart in the kitchen.
3. men that dont leave glistening pools of pee round the wc.
4. men that make cups of tea without whingeing
5. men that dig holes on demand.

I will vote for anyone who can fulfil these demands

That souds like my cue Mrs Figg.
I've been getting my boys to make the banners all day. And I've been working on a new chant for my campaign. 'Wimmin! What do we want? Everything! When do we want it? Yesterday! And if they refuse? High heels in the groin!'

To address your very sensible policy concerns one by one Mrs Figgs.

1. Serial snorers, especially those who then deny they snore at all, to have forced surgery to remove their noses.
2. punishment for kitchen farting will be severe, including making the men cook their own meals for a week, if they last that long.
3. all Forumshire lavatories will be fitted with an automatic weeguard which will, when a male approaches, encapsulate them in a sheath through which they will urinate into a tube directly to the urinal.
4. Tea making will be mandatroy for males at set times of the day as well as every women being allowed 4 'whim' times when they can demand tea on top of the set times, on a whim.
5. Unfortuntely due to Admin's tortorous zoning and planning laws I may not be able to fulfill this last one straight away, but unlike other politicians I won't lie to you Mrs Figgs and pretend I can.

Ooh and lovely pussy Mrs Figgs. Just makes me want to come over there and strke it till it purrs.

Vote for Pretty. You'd be Pretty mad not to.

Mee! Mee!

wun: i doen fut in unywuns ear - my bomz ta clowz ta tha grund
too: i doen goen indo keetchunz, tharz ware wimmin doo stuv
fre: i doen even lik pees, wut or drie - un wy wood unnwun speel pees thar? sunds dartee ta mee?
for: i doen muk cupza tee - see numba 'too', ubuv
fiv: i luuuv duggin oles


Voat Wun: Bivv: Ole Dugger

You make some good points, Pretty - but Biffo's are very convincing! Verry verry convincing.

I vote for Pretty tyrant, a woman after my own heart, good job! whim times, genius.

Perhaps the female touch would be able to reign in the rampant testoterone and male-centrism that some people *glances back up the thread* have brought to Forumshire.

fre sorsages

fre zimbuls

fre luv

Voat Wun: Beefo Bunks: Ken ta pleez za laddies - un bug enuf ta dooeet.

Voat Wun: Beefo Bunks: Ken ta pleez za laddies - un bug enuf ta dooeet.

Big words, Biffo, but how can one trust a politician's promises, even - or perhaps especially - ones such as those?

Biffo I would have thought was too thick to be a proper politician. I have no reason to doubt him. I think ladies like Mrs Figg better watch out. If he wins, they'll be in for some sound satisficationing! I'm sure he'll keep his promises. Especially as to pleasing the ladies. He doesn't get out of the mines too often. Porgy might set you straight on that. (Not that I'm suggesting Porgy would be an expert or anything).

Vote Biffo! I have no idea what he's saying but he's the not Pretty Candidate (in all ways). Vote Biffo. Please.