Introducing myself

Oh, thank you very much, Mr. Tyrant! I just find myself in such a pickle, but I am always dependent on the kindness of strangers... I mean -- who could have thought -- my own dear mum?! But then that does explain her most peculiar distaste for the Ozhobbit Bankses and now I need some more ooh, that was quite good. What did you say this is called again? Anyway, as I was saying, my mum raised me a proper North-Banks, never to associate with the Ozhobbits, which is why she was so reluctant for me to come here Except, she must have known, I might find out--- I!

DADDY!!!!!

I think you should definetly have another drink of buckie Diamond.
Odo I think you might need a barrell too.

Well, all I can say is, I'm confused...

Oh my... What a trip this has turned out to be! Just to think, me--! A North-Banks, and my mum and ... him! Oh ... oh ... more buckie!

Well this is a turn up for the books in the middle of your election campaign Odo.

hey?

what?

Forumshire State News
What you need to know, from the people who knew it first.

ELECTION: ODO BANKS' BUSTY LOVE CHILD SCANDAL!

Voters across Forumshire are sure to be shocked by the latest revelations from the election trail! Former party-animal and Lockholes resident-cum-moralizer Odo Banks, long thought to be Forumshire's stuffiest resident, has been abruptly confronted by his sordid past! Said past took the form of one Diamond Banks, new-come to but already famous throughout Forumshire for her delicious melons, who was dramatically revealed earlier this evening to be a long-lost love child of the Large-Headed One.

"I just can't believe that the candidate I thought I supported because of his great moral fortitude would have had an affair with someone from what he claimed was a deficient branch of his family," said one anonymous Banks campaign staffer, who spoke with us by long-distance Palantir from her cat-filled home. "I just don't know who to support in the election now; is there a candidate out there who is at the very least open and forthright about their misadventures with the opposite sex?"

By pure coincidence, we at State News are proud to announce that yes, there is such a candidate. Pretty Tyrant, recent recipient of the much-coveted endorsements of both Admin Eldo and Pure Publications, has been 100% open about the kind of woman she is and the apprehensions that any clear-minded Hobbit should have about getting anywhere near something that could even possibly be construed as a bed with her. Vote Pretty: the honest choice for Mayor!

Follow the lead of the

Well, if Odo is her father, it sounds like it happened before he was married. I guess a youthful indiscretion can be forgiven..

BUT!!!!

It's his "Mother" that concerns me most! I mean is she (1) some loose hobbit from Cleave? (2) a member of his own Clan? - distantly related -- or Not! , or (3) one of the Tyrant Clan - possibly, but not verifiably, "female!" Eegad!

Vote for Orwell and Know Where You Stand!

Theres something fishy going on here, and Im not talking about Diamonds troosers.

We have all been asking questions about Odo Banks. With the arrival of Diamond Banks, I think more questions need be asked. So I've decided to investigate the matter further, because we need to know as much as we can about this particular candidate before the upcoming Election, especially things that reflect on his TRUE character. I have therefore decided to begin at the time when Diamond Banks entered the scene.

Diamond Banks wrote:Hello all, I am Diamond Banks, of the North-Banks of Large Cleave. You may know my family, the Bankses of Ozhobbitstan, but please do not mistake me for one of that boorish clan. You see, my family, the North-Banks, is descended from the legendary Bullmounter Banks, who removed from Rushock Bog to the luscious valley of Large Cleave many generations ago. This was before his great-nephew, Fartinbrass Banks, was sentenced to the penal colonies of Ozhobbitstan, setting the tone for all of his descendants right down to the present day. You may know them as Odo, Wisey, Mirabella, Biffo, and the like."

An authentic sounding introduction if ever I heard one. I've checked the Forumshire Palantir-book, and found numbers for several of the North-Banks of Large Cleave. I contacted Granny North-Banks-Bog, apparently the head of the Bullmounter Clan.

Excerpt of conversation:

Orwell: "This is a question of utmost importance, Mrs North-Banks-Bog. Do you know a 'Diamond Banks?"

Granny: "I do indeed, Sir. She's my Great Grand Niece, a direct descendant of old Bullmounter himself who was as respectable an 'obbit as ever youse might meet - and as fine a Stud Bullbreeder as you could find."

Orwell: "I see. I see. Go on."

Granny: "Are you writin' that down, Sir?"

Orwell: "I am Granny, I am."

Granny: "So this is a proper inquiry?"

Orwell: "Indeed, and as unbiased as it could get. Now, can you tell me who Diamond's parents are?"

Granny: "Well, Sir, you know as how to get to the point I see."

Orwell: "Frankly, I haven't got all day. Can you name them?"

Granny: "Of course I can, Broadbrest Tyrant is her Mother and Odo Banks is her father - the bastard! He's Fartinbrass through and through!"

Orwell "You sound angry Granny. Please calm yourself!"

Granny: "No, I will nit! That poor Scotshobbit girl... You know, she came to the Scuttle Coal Depot in Large Cleave looking to better herself - leaving her rustic Clan behind --- she was fully a McTyrant but changed it to Tyrant to disguise her shame, you know. Anyhow, the thing was, it weren't her who should 'ave been ashamed. She being a young girl of sixteen and that ghastly burgher and company owner Odo was nearly in his tweens. It's not like he sent off to Scotshobbiton to ask permission neither. He found her in that storeroom and ... and... and just 'ad ' 'is wicked way with her. He paid off a young 'obbit, Broderick, to keep 'is mouth shut when he chanced upon the ghastly violent assault - which was fair enough, the boy being short of funds, and with a sick mother back in Bywater and all - but Odo shoudna done it in the first place."

Orwell: "Sweet Illuvatar. Was it rape?"

Granny: "Yes it was - at first! But then he promised her all the coal she could eat."

Orwell: " "

Granny: "Hello - hello? Are you there?"

Orwell: "Sorry, Granny. Did you say he offered her 'coal"?"

Granny: "Times were tough you know. But she was a good girl and she refused his offer - so he bought her a house, three horses, a Knickknack Shop in Mainstreet, and hired three servants - including a nursemaid to look after little Diamond when she came along."

Orwel: "How do you know all this? "

Granny: "Well, I was that nursemaid... Err... time's were tough... I needed the money.... Not that I ever approved of what he done, no way! That Broadbrest was a fine girl, ruined by Odo. Ruined! When Diamond was born we as adopted Broadbrest and Diamond into the Proper side of the family."

Orwell: "So it's true what the rumours say about Mr Odo Nancypants Banks."

Granny: "I couldn't say if all of them be true, there's a lot, and he's only 53 - but he's capable of all sorts of things of the sexual kind, he's not a thief or anything - well, he is come to think... and a burglar... and a money launderer.... They're all the same, that's why old Fartinbrass were sent off to Ozhobbitstan to begin with. The point is, Diamond was brought up Respectable. No one would know from her appearance or conversation that she was anything at all like that horrid overweening Father of hers. You know, he's kept it quiet all these years, and she such a fine young lass."

Orwell: "So she seems. I'll read what she said when she arrived in Hobbiton, if you like. Tell me if it's her."

Diamond: "The reason for my appearance in this Shire is quite simple: I am here to restore the proper reputation of my noble family's name. It has come to my attention that Mr. Odo Banks has been passing himself off as a "Respectabilian", but he is in fact the farthest thing from that you can imagine. He, and all the rest of Fartinbrass' branch of the family, are as rowdy, criminal, and disrespectable a bunch of Hobbits as you can imagine. I have further learned that Mr. Odo Banks is considered a front runner in the current elections (a most curious and questionably respectable practice you seem to have here). I am here to make sure that the truth of the Banks is heard and that the Bankses of Ozhobbitstan do not corrupt any other lands."

Granny: "That sounds like her orite. Lovely girl - well rounded too. She's got that horrid Fartinbrass Clan down pat too."

Orwell: "Did you know that her revelations have just about ruined Odo's chances of ever becoming Mayor of Forumshire.

Granny: "Forgive me if I laugh, but I wouldn't think so. That Odo is as slippery as an eel!"

So dear Forumshire Parishioners, you can see that Mr Odo Banks is totaly unsuitable to be your Mayor.


Cheers,
Orwell
Know Where You Stand

Clearly this scandal has reached unheard of proportions. Where is the Sheriff's Department in all this?

Granny said such horrid things to you, Mr. Orwell?! Well I be! This has certainly been a rough emotional discovery for me and you've made it far worse. I'd thank you not to milk my personal troubles for political gain, thank you very much!

Well this just shows what Orwell will stoop to t win votes. Well it fools no one Orwell!
Its quite clear Diamond has been treated terribly, which is no suprise where those McBanks are concerened, what she needs is understandning, a listening ear and a nice hot jacuzzi with good company and a buckie to sip. All of which I can offer the poor girl whilst she regroups.
As to the claim her mother is a Tyrant, well if it is true and that vile Odo Banks forced himself upon her then I shall be calling, if I am elected to Mayor, for public castration. Starting with Odo.
And if Diamond is a Tyrant lass then she belongs frirmly in the bosom of the family. And juding from her bosom I'd say there was a good chance she will prove to be of Tyrant stock too.

{{{Petty!- stop trying to work out how closely related she is- too bloody close is all you need to know! }}}

Who are these shameless hussies what? and where may I ask is your pearl necklace, good heavens preserve us!

Oh my, such a sensitive soul you have, Pretty! I ... I have been raised so long to believe in myself as a proud North-Banks that to imagine I may be of a different Clan entirely is exceedingly strange to me. But I do assure you that the Scoal Cuttle business with the McTyrants has never affected us of Bullmounter's family at Large Cleave.

You have me convinced, dear Pretty! Forumshire clearly needs a female hand to guide it through the savagery and thoughtlessness of the male minds dominating it! Vote Pretty: the fairer sex makes the better choice!

"Scoal Cuttle business"? I'm not sure I had a hand in that... (though I must make enquiries - sounds profitable).

Anyway, never mind... All I want to say is, while I may have had a small role in Diamond's arrival, it was a matter of only a few tiny minutes! Am I to be pilloried and mocked and maligned for one act of perfectly reasonable male behaviour of the time - remember, it was twenty or so years ago! And I made sure Broadbrest was given the resources to be bring up Diamond properly... a pretty penny I can tell you over the years. Yes, you all might say I should have been open and repentant about it, but those were different times, when a respectable hobbit knew his place in society, and so did vulnerable young women. And just about every Conservative Hobbit in those days did it, it weren't just me. I paid up, like I said, which made it right - as it always does. As to Granny North-Banks-Bog, well, it's her who should be pilloried. Fancy breaking trust like that, and her a wealthy woman 'cause of my one unfortunate error of judgement. Any self respecting hobbit back them would have taken unwanted liberties with that Broadbrest. She was gorgeous, and hardly wore anything to conceal herself, being impoverished and all but still mightily attractive. My goodness, you people make forcing myself on a beautiful young hobbit lass (twenty years ago) sound positively sordid, wrong even!

Vote 1: Odo Banks. No bunkum.

THE ARCHET BUGLE reported:


BANKS UNABASHED

In response to the latest "unproven" (Banks Spokeshobbit) allegations, Mr Odo Banks, esquire, has come out in "complete denial" (Banks Spokeshobbit). At a quickly organized rally in Needlehole outside "Odo Banks Thatching and Scuttle Coal Company", a large group of Mr Bankses employees and their wives and children and farm animals came together "spontaneously" (Banks Spokesperson) to support their Employer in his "complete denial".

Our intrepid political analyst, Bettina Banks-Newton moved around the crowd and obtained the following citations.

Edwina Downbeaten: "Mr Banks is in complete denial. Everyone says so."

Barky Fairweather said: "I don't really know, but these allegations seem to be perfectly tr...." (There was a loud and rickety cart going past at the time).

Amelia Doassimetold: "Mr Banks told me not to believe everything I heard about him, as it was barely possible that one hobbit could as have been guilty of Everything he's heretofore been accused of, him being but 53 last birthdy."

Mirabella Banks: "If my Uncle was guilty, then I'm sure I would have heard something... officially, I mean... My policy is to ignor any rumour that is not beyond absolute doubt!"

Tammy Gently: "Well' you see, Mr Banks comes to me out the back of the thatching shed, early in the morning like, and ée.... (Noise from neighbouring pigsty as it was feeding time) ... but he was awfully apologetic later - and gave me a gold florin to keep my mou.... (More feeding) ... the money was better than as I ever got in Redlite Lane... (oinking) ... candle... (grunting) ... olive oil... (snorting) ... he also gave me flowers, and a half day off, which was very nice. He'd never given me such a deal when I worked for him at the broth.... (oinking and snorting drowned out everything else until) ... and why wouldn't I vote for him, as he's promised me a fine dowry... even Nob Bracket, my fiance, has forgiven him..."

Mincy Bumslapper: "I couldn't as but say that Mr Banks has treated me awfully well after the incident in the thatching closet early this mornin'... He said it was purely an accident, him thinking it was his lovin' Missus, Primmy Brandybuck, and I do believe him. He even paid me a gold florin as proof of his bonafides! Particular generous, as I have a trim feminine bottom, and I'm not afraid to flaunt it and so probably am partly to blame. Anyone could have mistaken me for Primmy, given the circumstances... Not that I'm braggin', but I take it almost as a compliment, his Primmy being such a looker and all... And it was not like there was any lasting pain... Mr Odo says himself to me: 'Now, Mincy, what's done is done, and rumour has it you're no stranger to this kind of thing anyhow.' I'm not embarrassed to say as that's quite true."

Jughead Barrell said: "He himself told me this business about his love child Diamond Banks was a pack of lies, and even if it were true, who could really believe such allegations against a Respectable hobbit? Which, I s'pose means he was innocent... though I guess... now's I think on it..."

Merry Hornwiper: "He gave us all a raise and told us to trust him - and we do."

Pippin Windsock: "Yes, Merry, I heard him say that, and if we were to follow our natural instincts and gather here within the hour, he would show his appreciation by not only giving us all a payrise, but he promised us a special break-up party come Erumas as well."

Merry: "I certainly felt very spontaneous after that."

Pippin: "Yes. I don't know as any of his employees as has ever moved more spontaneously."

Mother Boffin: "Mr Banks has always paid me well, as I have been his Personal Private Assistant for several years, and can be trusted to back him up on anything he says. He says to me this time: 'Now Mrs Boffin, you must tell everyone that I'm in complete denial.' And I can vouch for it, he is!"

Rosie Cotton-Gamgee said: "I've heard all the rumours, of course, but never caught him at it."

Pippin: "Nor me, nor anyone..."

Merry: "Except Rory Brambleberry..."

Pippin: ""That's what Rory's alleged to have said anyhow - before he was transferred to the Kimberleys."

Rosie: "That's true."

Bettina Banks-Newton: "But does he have a love child?"

Pippin: "Who would know?"

Rosie: "He denies it, of course."

Merry: "Yes, I've heard he's in complete denial."

Pippin: "He's been a very generous employer, these last few hours, that's what I know... Who cares what he might or might not have done in a storeoom of his Company Depot in Large Cleave years and years ago..."

Merry: "No one's even sure yet about what happened with Tammy Gently behind the shed yesterday..."

Pippin: "Of course, the NotP's not even accusing him of that anyhow... not yet..."

Rosie: "Nor what happened with Mincy Bumslapper this morning."

Merry: "Mincy says it was most likely an accident. He said so himself."

Rosie: "That's true."

Bettina Banks-Newton: "But what about Diamond Banks?"

Merry: "That'd be Broadbrest Tyrant's daughter, I think. Though some say it was some other Broadbrest."

Rosie: "That's true."

Pippin: "Mr Odo denies any involvement, of course, though it must have been her in the storeroom, according to my Uncle Broderick who was an goggle-eyed office boy at the time."

Merry: "Oh, really! Was Mr Odo in the storeoom then?"

Pippin: "Uncle Broderick says Mr Odo was very generous to him at the time and he can't remember,"

Merry: "So no one can be sure that Mr Odo was Diamond's father."

Rosie: "That's true."




So as everyone who reads this Laudable Journal can see, there is nothing that is absolutely verifiable as regards the latest allegations, nor, in fact, any of the myriad allegations levelled at Mr Banks over the years.


Lesbo Proudfoot
Editor
The Archet Bugle
And
Spokeshobbit for the
Vote One: Honorable Odo - Butter wouldn't Melt in His Mouth campaign.

So I only sought to get to the bottom of things. Just honest reporting and my unbiased investigation. I was not seeking political mileage.

Actually, there were a couple of other things of note in The Archet story, which might bare closer scrutiny!

Orwell
Know where You Stand

Um, hello everyone new. Since when did Forumshire become a place for Family Reunions????? Can you all please take your family issues elsewhere? All of this drama is giving me a bloody headache, and I can't find my keys to the Buckie storage. Petty? grab me a dozen bottles please OWWWWWW!!! HURRY UP!!!!!!

I thought Forumshire was a big happy family in perpetual (re)union?

Yes, but not when all of the family issues arise and explode!

PETTY! BUCKIE!!!!!!!!!

I'm here your Maj! I'm here!
Bloomin' 'eck I'm run off me feet round here of late!! Right, here we are, two barrels of buckie for her Maj! One for the lady in distress. And one for me for all the runing about.