Ask Mrs Figg

Ummm... thanks leelee.. Will the candles give me more success with girls? Not that I'm not successful already, mind... Woof woof!

You might want to triple them, Leelee. Orwell needs all the help he can get (with women, yes, but more with his moral character).

Quite frankly after the whole Internship affair Odo banks deserves all he gets. Taters an all. and whats he doing in Angleshire lurking after respectable hobbitses?

I must admit Mrs Figg, I was thinking quite the same thing. Sometimes I think that perhaps he is not quite as respectable as he makes out, though I guess that is uncharitable of me to say, especially of Erumas Eve...

{{{Mrs Figg, I admit to having been somewhat coy in my letter to you. I actually think Odo was intent on ... oh my goodness, what a orrid thing to say, but I'm sure I can trust you with my "theory"--- I think he was intent on murder.... }}}

Well he was a bit miffed at being dropped like a hot Tater from the Majorial race, I think he really wanted to get some juicy scoop to give to the papers, like the Major is really a little lizard not a dirty great Dragon, sumpin like that I imagine..

Yes... that was it.... My unfair dismissal by that lizard of a woman! Nothing more sinister than that... no... not at all...

Dear Mrs Figg,


I am a little lost at the moment. With all the Norwayans on board, I began wondering about geographic issues. I mean, I have heard of Norwankia (where most Norwayan hobbits live I hear), and I thought Norwankia was the same as Fjordianlandia. But now I'm not sure. Look, I know that the Danes rule both Denmania and Norwankia, but I thought they were separate countries, then I chanced to look up Forumpedia under "Fjordianlandia" this morning, and saw "Fjordianlandia" described as the "collective name" for Sweedeeland, Ikkyland, Norwankia, Greenieland and Denmania. Fascinating. Is it true, though, as Forumpedia can be an untrustworthy source at the best of times?

Reagards,
Orwell

Orwell wrote:Dear Mrs Figg,


I am a little lost at the moment. With all the Norwayans on board, I began wondering about geographic issues. I mean, I have heard of Norwankia (where most Norwayan hobbits live I hear), and I thought Norwankia was the same as Fjordianlandia. But now I'm not sure. Look, I know that the Danes rule both Denmania and Norwankia, but I thought they were separate countries, then I chanced to look up Forumpedia under "Fjordianlandia" this morning, and saw "Fjordianlandia" described as the "collective name" for Sweedeeland, Ikkyland, Norwankia, Greenieland and Denmania. Fascinating. Is it true, though, as Forumpedia can be an untrustworthy source at the best of times?

Reagards,
Orwell

I am not Mrs Figg, but I am a Norwayan hobbit so I may be able to help u here. Norwankia and Fjordianlandia is the same place. As we have many fjords and valleys we have thousands of difference dialects and somehow it means the same. Other words; Noreg, Northwheresomewhere, Northfjords, Veryfarnorth, Bittercoldland, Frostarctica and so on. The Denmanian hobbits ruled the Norwayan but that was SEVERAL HUNDRED YEARS AGO!!!!! Now we are very proud little hobbitses who live on one country. We have consider us one country for two-three years now. Before that all the small hobbit-towns in all the fjords claimed, since they had their "own language", that they should be one country, independent, not ruled by the foul city of Kristiaosloia. A tall handsome hobbit fellow decided he wanted Norwankia to be one country. His name was Harald Faircurledhair (he is now king. His queen is Sånnja). He decided he wouldn't cut his curly hair on his head and toes (nor brush it or trim it or do anything with it whatsoever) until he had made all the fjord-,mountain- and coast hobbitses be one country and feel like one country, therefore the name Faircurledhair. Now we are a proud little folk

when u said Fjordianlandia was a collective name, I am sure forumpedia had it wrong. Farawaytothenorthlandia is the correct term for Sweedeeland, Ikkyland, Norwankia, Greenieland and Denmania, but also Finnlake.

What a perfectly wonderful response! Who needs Mrs Figg I say, she has been supplanted!

Charming! Its true I am no expert on the intricacies of Frostbitelandia but you just wait until you have a problem with the ladeez and come trotting back for my expert advice, my door will slam so fast you will get a hair parting where you least expect it..

Dear Miss Norc,

I have a delicate question requiring, I think, a mature response - which is why I write to you rather than someone else, Miss Norc.

You see, there is a certain Lady (if it's entirely appropriate or accurate to speak of her in such manner) who I am very fond of. But this Lady, and I will call her Mrs Pomegranate for the sake of delicacy, is a feisty, red headed vixen with an extremely fiery temperament, and indeed, by rumour at least, a hobbit eater of Illuvataran proportions; as orrid a member of the Female Species as one could imagine. But Miss Norc, she is a handsome hobbit lass too, a work of art, as all such lady hobbits are!

So you see, and I'll cut to the quick, I am as equally appalled by as attracted to, that handsome hobbit. She is just the kind of lady hobbit a masculinely beautfiful and robustly virile hobbit like mysef is so often attracted to. The trouble is, I think she hates me - and just because I gladly accepted Mentoring (on geography) from someone who seems eminently sensible. All I did, mind, was hint that I might, indeed, seek this new Mentor's advice on other occasions.

My question is then: how can I trick her - Mrs Pomegranate that is - into believing that I would never seek advice from someone clearly wiser than she is?

Yours faithfully,
Orwell

Hinted he says, hinted my hairy hobbit feetses, supplanted, boo hoo
Ill get my coat..
wwwwaaaaa Hes left me for a younger and cleverer and more Frostbitelandian hobbit wwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Perhaps I can have two Mentors, a young and clever, Frostbitelandian hobbit, and you, Mrs Figg.

Let me see...


Dear Norc,

I have often pondered Kant's saying: "I think therefore I am" and am now quite keen to hear if you take a purely "philosophic" view on the subject, or do you have a more general "metaphysicial" perspective on it?

Yours thoughtfully,
Orwell.




Dear Mrs Figg,

Do you think I should wear flares or straight leg jeans when courting the ladies?

Yours anxiously,
Orwell.

Dear Orwell,
Well I would put you in skin tight drainpipes so tight you squeak.. your crown jools would be squished but after your nasturtion casting as to my hinterlecktual capacity its fair dinkum mate..
yours
Mrs figg

Orwell wrote:Perhaps I can have two Mentors, a young and clever, Frostbitelandian hobbit, and you, Mrs Figg.

Let me see...


Dear Norc,

I have often pondered Kant's saying: "I think therefore I am" and am now quite keen to hear if you take a purely "philosophic" view on the subject, or do you have a more general "metaphysicial" perspective on it?

Yours thoughtfully,
Orwell.




Dear Mrs Figg,

Do you think I should wear flares or straight leg jeans when courting the ladies?

Yours anxiously,
Orwell.

well, If u don't think, u are most likely to be killed in traffic, therefore, you aren't anything anymore.

wear tights. really tight tights with psychedelic colours and of glossy material.

And I am sure she doesn't hate u. but that u should talk to her about, not me. I cannot talk on behalf on anyone else.
I'm sorry if this answer isn't as long and thoughtful as the last one but sometimes long questions are answered just as good with a short answer.

Mrs Figg wrote:Dear Orwell,
Well I would put you in skin tight drainpipes so tight you squeak.. your crown jools would be squished but after your nasturtion casting as to my hinterlecktual capacity its fair dinkum mate..
yours
Mrs figg

Your sexual advice sounds positively violent, Mrs Figg!

Norc wrote:well, If u don't think, u are most likely to be killed in traffic, therefore, you aren't anything anymore.

wear tights. really tight tights with psychedelic colours and of glossy material.

And I am sure she doesn't hate u. but that u should talk to her about, not me. I cannot talk on behalf on anyone else.
I'm sorry if this answer isn't as long and thoughtful as the last one but sometimes long questions are answered just as good with a short answer.

Oh how wise, Miss Norc - how very wise - or at least I assume so because what you say sounds positively esoteric, and we all know The Philosophers never make sense, not to simple hobbits like myself, and are so therefore deemed wise - by simple hobbits like myself!

{{Umm - really tight tights, do you think? Psychedlic colours? Is that truly just what the younger Lady goes for nowadays? }}}

Dear Mrs Figg,

I have had word come from an Anonymous Source, that you plan to circulate photgraphs of your pert bottom as a means of offending the Bankses in some fashion. All I can say, if that is true, I must advise you of the following: (1) it would be deemed ínappropriate, (2) I have already seen it several times in the NotP Bumweekly Supplement (not that I ever look at that disreputable rag), and (3) it would hardly offend, as I am fond of a pert bottom, just ask Primmy and Bella.

Yours responsibly,
Odo R. Banks, esquire

You have been listening to Chinese Whispers again Odo, what I said was I would circulate photos of my pussy Ginger Meggs from the Bottom Part of my Garden, sheesh!

The "I think therefore I am" quote pretty much wipes out my existence- on a philosophical level- but don't quote me on that. I aint no philosopher.

Dear Mrs Figg,

Well, I do apologise. I admit, my Anonymous Source is not always of the soundest kind. I should be most pleased to see a photograph of your pussy Ginger Meggs, Mrs Figg, me being a hobbit who is most fond of ginger pussies. You say you took a few at the bottom of your garden? Sounds very artistic.

Yours
Odo R. Banks, esquire.

Ally wrote:The "I think therefore I am" quote pretty much wipes out my existence- on a philosophical level- but don't quote me on that. I aint no philosopher.

You are unduly harsh, Ally - unduly. I find you quite an intelligent lass - for a lass.

Dear Mrs. Figg,

Where have you disappeared to this past week? I was thinking that I hadn't seen you around for a while so I checked and your last post was on New Year's Day. I hope everything's okay on your end!

- Eldo

P.S. Does anybody else know?

I am ok, thanks Eldo

(Pure Publications were getting worried they were going to have to look for another candidate for the Problems Page! And them award winning now too-I'm contractually obliged to say that now everytime I mention the award winning Daily Purist, or the award winning NotP, or the award winnning Pure Publications. -sigh-)