Ask Mrs Figg

Mrs Figg wrote:Dear Mr Orwell,
A gentleman must be ready at all times to fly his colours, poop the mainbrace and shivver the timbers, or if all else fails, offer his quivering white derriere to his beloved on a plate of Mithrill, If the lady is true she will not blanche and swoon.
yours faithfully
Mrs figg

Dear Mrs Figg,

If you don't mind me saying so, but your latest response is esoteric - or at least ambiguous - could you repeat it in English, please? And swiftly, as a certain person is (hypothetically) climbing through the window...

yours desperately
Orwell

Mrs Figg wrote:Dear Mizz Diamond,
I was transfixed by the size of your mellons and could not concentrate.
yours faithfully
Mrs Figg

Funny you should say that...

{{{{{{{Easy to see why you are the top cheese in these parts Mr Eldo. Maybe you and I are two people who can talk, Admin to Troll. And you are right about my title. Newbie. Doesn't seem, appropriate now does it? Perhaps as an opening gesture of good intentions on your part you could change it to something, more suitable? I would see that as a very friendly gesture to be returned. As to your preposal. Pretty is a very, flexible girl, she can fit in all sorts of places I have found. And were there to be a certain laxness in libel and privacy laws here I am certain Pure Publications would be donating more funds in Forumshires, and the Admin Offices, direction. Do we have an undertsanding Mr Eldo?}}}}}}

Mrs Figg wrote:Dear Mizz Diamond,
I was transfixed by the size of your mellons and could not concentrate.
yours faithfully
Mrs Figg

Dear Mrs Figg,

I do apologize. The valley of Large Cleave has always been known for our luscious melon farms, the sweet and juicy fruits of which are renowned throughout the North-farthing. I shall endeavour to contain my charms when that may be needed in the future. But may I say that the rumors of your ginger pussy precede you, and I find myself quite distracted by that in turn.

Diamond Banks

{{{{{{I can see that we will have a very profitable business relationship, Mr. Muirdock! First things first, the matter of your user rank: you have already referred to yourself as a "Troll", but perhaps something a little bit less rancid would suit you better? How about "Plutocratic Overlord"? I think that has a nice ring to it.

I have heard tell of Pretty's flexibility, and from the little I have witnessed I assure you I am very impressed. And I hope you understand that I have already given Pure Publications a great deal of leniency in the enforcement of Forumshire's journalistic standards, not least because they are the sponsors of Hobbit Lass of the Day! Though I note with some confusion that that feature does not include Pretty very often. In any event, I do expect that in the event of our partnership, Pure Publications shall take a favorable view of the Administration's doings. }}}}}}

{{{{{{ I think we have an understanding Mr Eldo. I prefer to work from behind the scenes so best we don't meet again in public. I will keep to my side of the bargain, you keep to your yours. And if you don't you will see me just one more time Mr Eldo. }}}}}}

{{{{{{I believe we are on the same page, Mr. Muirdock. My initial goodwill gesture of a custom title has already been put into effect, and I look forward to election day with pleasure.}}}}}}

Dear Mrs Figg,

Is there a stink of peppermint in the air, or am I just imagining it?

yours suspiciously
Orwell

NB Kafria was finally escorted off the premises. Thanks for your advice anyhow.

Peppermint? I smell a rat, but thats because Tiddles just left me a dead one on my bed.

Just a bit of holiday-scented air freshener to clean out the stench of that troll!

{{{{I don't mean to offend, Mr. Muirdock, but I must keep up my cover with the plebes, you understand.}}}}

Ah, just a puff more and that's perfect!

Mrs Figg my girl your advice to these young gentlemen is all wrong, just ask my Bunty dear old chap was broken in slowly like a huntin dog, just the same thing really, got to show em whos boss or theyll be humpin the sofa and sniffin ones crotch at dinner parties, firm hand what! haw haw!

Would you be a relation of Mrs Figg, then? Based on your posts so far I'm glad to have you with us.

yes dear boy, I am her great aunt Harriet, nice gal but rather vulgar, no huntin or shootin no bottom at all, married to some foreign blaggard probably smells of garlick, what! haw haw.

Oh Lady Figg - pleased to make your acquaintance. At last, a respectable Lady in Forumshire. I've dreamed of this day, you know.

Dear Mrs Figg,

I have not been able to keep as close an eye on events here of late, but I see things have heated up in Forumshire. May I ask, and I don't mean to sound critical, have the residents actually gone one step further and become totally bonkers?

Anne

dear Anne
My vulgar neice is off in the grounds playing with her pussies so footman Travers tells me, but Travers only has one eye, lost it in Indja, tiger got it you know, frightful screaming, but we were having tea so I told him to put it in with the cucumber sandwiches until we got back to Rajpoopistan, what larks, anyway as I was saying gals not here haw haw!

My goodness, and I was hoping for some more advice. I'll call back later.

Orwell wrote:My goodness, and I was hoping for some more advice. I'll call back later.

You were, or Anne was? Curious, curious. And here I thought the insistence that Diamond wasn't a real Banks was the height of split-personality.

Huh?

Lady Figg Trumpington wrote:dear Anne
My vulgar neice is off in the grounds playing with her pussies so footman Travers tells me, but Travers only has one eye, lost it in Indja, tiger got it you know, frightful screaming, but we were having tea so I told him to put it in with the cucumber sandwiches until we got back to Rajpoopistan, what larks, anyway as I was saying gals not here haw haw!

Vulgar niece? I thought she was a lovely girl? Is there more to Diamond than meets the eye? Not that what meets the eye needs any other aspects.

Orwell wrote:Vulgar niece? I thought she was a lovely girl? Is there more to Diamond than meets the eye? Not that what meets the eye needs any other aspects.

I was under the impression that Lady Figg Trumpington's niece is our own Mrs Figg, though I could be mistaken, what with all the family trees and wreaths around here.

Oh yeah! My bad! Of course it was Mrs Figg! Who else? Not with that description Lady Trumpington gave! Silly me! "Vulgar" she said... So who else could it be?

I say you there, seen mi wife? big bottom voice like a rutting stag, what!? {{{{strange fella, probably one of these foregn jonnies, dont understand a word he said bah!}}}}} cant stand about all day man, got peasants to shoot, servants to scare, well if you see her tell her Buntys lookin for her bah!

Oh I see folk of a Better Class are now arrived in Forumshire. Would that be the Lord Bunty Figg Fartington of whom I've heard only good things in the Right Circles. Well met, Sir. Let me introduce myself, for I myself, it might be put, am of High Forumshire Lineage... Odo R. Banks it is, of the Lowr Forumshire Nobility , if I say so myself. You see, I've often looked in the mirror and thought to see a definite "aristocratic" expression, and that without much practicing.

Oh Lord Fartington, it is so exciting to have some Class in Forumshire ... (We have Queen Tinuviel, of course, but she's a remote figure, you know, and lives mainly in Valinor, and has not once invited me to one of her soirees! )

I'd love to be of service, but I'm not sure who you refer to. Is it Mrs Figg, or Lady Trumpington? I do suppose it MUST be Lady Trumpington (as refined a Lady as ever I laid eyes on, and attractive, if you don't mind me saying, in an old fashioned aristocratic way). Though, if it is Mrs Figg, please forgive me - I'm sure she's good enough for you, but has just had some kind of hysterical fit which has affected her behaviour and proper proprieties and may explain her flight from Bree... though I should not pry. [i]

cant find me wife sir, shes run orf with that demmed Travers, as to Mrs figg me niece, needs a demmed good rodgerin and a demmed good thrashin, what haw haw!