Howdy from Needlehole

((((((((((I suppose I should not have alluded to old feuds, Mr Tyrant. The MacBankses [notice spelling corrction - my bad!] are only distant relatives - a fact we normally don't mention, the Scotshobbit Bankses being not always the most Respectable branch of the family - nonetheless, we Bankses (and MacBankses) are a tight bunch when outside forces seek to impute things about any of us. I am personally on the look out for imputations, Mr Tyrant! And in your habitual smarmy manner I detect your (possibly natural) tendency to "impute" folk, Mr Tyrant. In this case - Me and Mine!

"Given the way Biffo has scarpered over the Porgy thing I'd guess at yellow streaks on a black background."

How am I to take that? Not gladly, I say. This reminds me of the old tale - Yes, the OLD TALES, Mr Tyrant, when McTyrant mischief and deceit was (as ever) to the fore!!!

In case you decide to plead ignorance, I'll tell you the tale again. (The facts, per the Banks version of Scotshobbiton Family Oral History, are manifest and clear).

Back in the Olden Days, the McTyrants (and some of their dodgy Campbell scions) and the McBankses (along with their honoroable MacDonald friends), were proud Scotshobbit Clans closely allied against the Saxhobbits (as opposed to the Anglehobbits, who we know are a fine folk, and are, of course, My folk! ) That was until "The Handkerchief Strife."

Now, Mr Tyrant, you know full well that my great great great great second cousin on my father's side, Goodo MacBanks lent your great great great great first cousin, Nasty McTyrant, his best silk handkerchief because silly old Nasty had lost his own in a hostelry and later woke up in a pigsty, and with a bad cold. ("Nasturtiun" is a funny name for Scotshobbit clan leader, let's face it, no wonder old Nasty was already kind of "cracked.") Now, Mr Tyrant, Goodo only "lent" it! At no stage did he "give" it over to be Nasty's permanently. No wonder bloodshed came of it!

Btw the yellow streaks on a black background has nothing to do with Porgy and Bif, it symbolizes the sun's ray shining into the dark hole where the McBanks First Ancestor (Noddy) once lay, thus wakening him from his primeval state, a thick block of granite - and you know it!!!

NB While we're at it, explain the McTyrant tartan - or dare you? What does a long black pudding, a He-goat, and a half pound of butter signify!? Peculiar business that!))))))))))

(((( Where to start!
Well to begin with, and as you know quite well, it was my great great great great second cousin on my father's side, Knees McTyrant (so called because buckie brought him to his knees so often) that lent your great great great great first cousin, Oops MacBankses, his best silk handkerchief!! Not the other way round. As if its even likely an ancestor of mine would get blind drunk, get lost in holstery and wake up in a pig sty- when has that ever happened?! (not including last week on the Howdy Thread, or a week last Tuesday, or the week before that).

As to our fine tartan- that is not a Black Pudding, that is a representation of the first ever buckie bottle made- made by a McTyrant I may add. The He-goat is there because of the McTyrant famous warcry "Our kids will butt you up!" And the butter commemorates the famous day in McTyrant history when Empty McTyrant (he collected buckie bottles for refilling) was captured by your Great-great-great-great-great grandfather Gie' us Respect MacBanks, and he used the butter to coat himself so he could squeeze out of the MacBankses clan hole via the cat-flap and escape, retunring the secret recipe of buckie brewing to the McTyrants. As you know!))))

(((( )))) ??? Less than half the encryption, Mr Tyrant! Well, then let's go one step forward and make this to-do Public then! Let folk see just how unrespectable the McTyrants (and their erstwile descendant) are!

Oops MacBanks, as is well known, even by ignorant hobbits, was Goodo MacBankses' first cousin, and his handkerchief is still in the family to prove it. * It was used to wipe Largo MacBanks' brow after he chased Pussy McTyrant out of the Bird and Buggy in South Scotshobbiton - she did call him a "nasty noser", after all - and Bravo was quite large and not adapted to such exertion! The said handkerchief is a family heirloom. You must know that!

As to Knees McTyrant, well any hobbit knows that He never wiped his nose - not even when his nose was running ten to the dime - and I don't use the word dime lightly! So why would any Banks even think he could lend one from one such as He? Though Knees might have had one (probably stolen) to disguise his face when performing armed robberies - not that I'd ever suggest any McTyrant of being a bandit, or such. Anyhow, a clean-living Scotshobbit like Oops would never even have thought to borrow a respectable article like a handkerchief (whether stolen or not) off someone like your revered ( )ancestral relative, Knees McTyrant! I rest my case.

As to the Black pudding, the He-goat, and the butter, I do now recall something of those matters in the old tales - though I do wonder if you're not using your low cleverness to distort the facts to your family's benefit?! (You've always been one to twist facts to fit your distortions after all, and this well known in certain quarters. ).




* The handerkerchief has an embroidered family tree on it, with "Oops" in yellow at the top right hand corner, as well as some other evidentary matter that we don't like to brag about.

Largo MacBank never chased Pussy McTyrant out of the Bird and Buggy- thats a slander that is! Pussy claimed Largo to a square go outside for making a typically MacBanks crude remark about his name, and Largo tricked him by sending out two dwarves in an overcoat.

As to this alleged embroidered hankerchief of Oops. As if its beyond the MacBanks to embroider the name onto a later handkerchief just to smear the good name of the McTyrants (especially when as everyone knows the MacBanks are famous for embroidery! Indeed does not Jane run a school in which embroidery features strongly? I rest my case).

As to Knees being an armed robber- that is preosterous, even by the standards of your families untruths Odo. How could he be an armed robber with no arms tell me that? Everyone knows he lost them both trying to get a buckie bottle back off a shark. Why do you think he wasn't called 'Elbows'? Which is where most people end up after enough buckie- on their elbows.

A McTyrant, conforming facts to fit?- I am speechless. Another slander!The only facts here is that your ancestors were a bunch of devious sneaky makers-up-of-things whilst the McTyrants were what they remain, steadfast, honest and completely drunk.

And seeing as you have seen fit to open this can of worms- where's our coal scuttle? Hey, think we'd forgotten did you? Well we haven't. We need it to get buckie into Grandad McTyrant as he's too old now to drink his own and he swears on a MacBanks life he lent it to your grandfather (on your Scottish side) Seedcake MacBanks (a nickname I admit but everyone knows the, ahem, MacBanks problem-or should that be habit- invovling seedcake, say no more).

Well, I never... as to "conforming" -- I did change it to "twisting" in my post, and presumably while you were in the process of replying! It was a bad choice of word, I know, for it did not go far enough!

I'm amazed you'd even have the temerity to mention the "Coal Bucket Affair." For a start, it was a rusty pail. Secondly, it was given to Seedcake MacBanks in exchange for Seedy not blabbing on about the real reason Largo chased Pussy out of the hostelry - let's not mention what that lusty buxom Scotshobbit was whispering into Farty Bracegirdles ear at the time Largo "listened in" (quite appropriately), only to be callled a "nasty noser. "Largo was only trying to keep things above-the-table, if you know what I mean.

Where your version of the two-dwarf story came from, I don't know, but I heard those dwarfs turned up shortly after Largo had puffed back inside with Oops. Apparently, Pussy went off somewhere or other with those dwarves.* Need I go on? (You called "her " a "him" btw Mr Tyrant. Are we even talking about the same incident?) (Btw Seedcake is a perfectly respectable name, and a love of seed cakes a perfectly honorable love. What are you trying to "impute" here, Mr Tyrant? Because I do smell an "impute"! )

As to Knees... Don't be so deliberately opaque! Knees could wield a knife between his teeth like no other. Indeed, we Bankses (and MacBankses) accord him a modicum of respect for being such a deadly knives-hiobbit, and he arm-less as you say. (We're also quite in awe of his ability to tie a handkerchief around his face with his feet, and without lifting his kilt. Indeed, he did at times act respectably it's said, old Knees that is, which often surprised folk way back when - he being such a McTyrant in oh so many other ways!)

"As to this alleged embroidered hankerchief of Oops. As if its beyond the MacBanks to embroider the name onto a later handkerchief just to smear the good name of the McTyrants (especially when as everyone knows the MacBanks are famous for embroidery! Indeed does not Jane run a school in which embroidery features strongly? I rest my case)."

You rest on quicksand, Mr Tyrant! Typical of you to make such smarmy remarks! As if any MacBanks would embroider a handkerchief belonging to someone else and pretend it was a gift and not a kind-hearted lending - and especially not a beautiful silk handkerchief from Persia that Hoary McTyrant took from the Shah of Persia on the Illuvataran Crusade a hundred years before and was worth a king's ransom! Well mannered folk would never do something like that. Not even to protect our reputation. As if we would do something like that. Impossible. And it's not like you could prove it. And even if you could, we'd deny it, because Bankses and MacBankses are respectable people, who never admit to doing sordid things like that - err --- because it couldn't be true even if it was. You don't fool anyone you know, Mr Tyrant. I think anyone reading this just now would be seeing right through you!


* Why those dwarves dressed up as you describe, Mr Tyrant, I have no idea, but NOT for the reason you made up. Some think they were pretending to be a wandering wizard hoping to awe the publican into giving them free drinks or else turn his buckie sour. Ridiculous really, buckie is quite sour enough already, no magic could make it worse, surely!)

Given! Given. You have to be joking, we've had to resort to using a hose to get stufff into Granddad (and out too but thats another matter ) And even if Seedcake got it on some sort of deal to keep quiet (which I doubt) its been renaged on, by you just now telling everyone. Give us back our coal scuttle Banks!!
As to confusing the sexes, well enough buckie will do that to you over time you know, or at least make you care less.

Seedcakes like everything else is finein moderation Odo. But lets not pretend we both don't now that the MacBankses get more than a little nippy if they run out!

Ah Knees, yes he was a fine Scotshobbit, what that hobbit could do with his kilt and sporran without arms was frankly astonishing- and many a young lass was astonished by it. Amazing he could lift his kilt that way!

The dwarves were a cunning ruse of the MacBankses and you know it. And not for the first time- what about the time Nearly Wise MacBanks got those dwarves to dress up in that haggis costume and lead por old Gullible McTyrant into the middle of nowhere where he was robbed of his buckie. By a MacBanks. Don't even think of denying it as Gullible said he heard one of the robbers say "Don't kick his whatjimicallthems it is not respectable" MacBanks talk or my ears are full of clootie dumplings!!

Whoa...
So...
Much...
Writing...

This isn't writing young Squach its family feuding!! If Odo wants to firstly bring up old (bitter) history and secondly put the blame for everything onto the McTyrants then thats his risk. We Tyrants defend our own- well we defend each others buckie stash incase of emergencies- but its much the same thing!!
This is about honour, respectablity and why the MacBankses lost both long ago! Hah!

Well, if we want to openly discuss our dirty washing, Mr Tyrant, you're bound to shock and/or upset some - and bore others - especially children with short attention spans!

All I have to say about that rusty pail is... it's rusted away! My goodness, it was past it's prime a hundred years ago (or whenever it was, Forumshire time being what it is), and now it's.. hardly used anymore.... Hey! Even if the McTyrant claim was legitimate it'd do you no good because the McBankses never return things when they get 'em.. I mean.... when they're given 'em! You McTyrants! Your thrift goes well beyond what's respectable. Give Scotshobbits a bad name!

I admit that we did hire a dwarf or two on that other occasion you mention... and fair enough. Nearly Wise got it right once in his life! And it was "duckie" not " buckie". You McTyrants were always trying to steal "our" recipe. The same one I kindly gave you awhiles aback, Mr Tyrant. Don't deny my generosity. Back in those days, as you know full well, all Scotshobbits were jealous of their brews and "homebrew" raiding was normal behavior. Don't go comparing those times with our (usually) more respectable times! You're using your smarmy dirty twists again to try and win a feud!

Be careful what you say about MacBankses and seedcake btw. We don't take kindly to anyone - least of all the descendants of McTyrants - making all light and facetious about our beloved seedcakes! (If I was an unrespectable kind of hobbit - like you - I might even pass a remark or two about clootie dumplings, you know. But I would not dare besmirch my honour by saying something like, "clootie dumplings are far too heavy and sit like stones in the gut." I wouldn't ever lower myself to the level of saying something like that!)

Yes, and the more you mention Knees the more I wonder if he weren't really a McBanks at heart - dexterous and reasonably-respectable. (We're talking about "McBankses" here, and not actually "Bankses" per se).

Family feuds never end well. The Gods curse those who feud with their kin!!!!!!!!!!!

Pettytyrant101 wrote:This isn't writing young Squach its family feuding!! If Odo wants to firstly bring up old (bitter) history and secondly put the blame for everything onto the McTyrants then thats his risk. We Tyrants defend our own- well we defend each others buckie stash incase of emergencies- but its much the same thing!!
This is about honour, respectablity and why the MacBankses lost both long ago! Hah!

Fine!
So...
Much...
Family...
Feuding...


Happy now?

If you folks would only MIND your OWN business, then you need not be BORED or OFFENDED or feel the need to PONTIFICATE! (Not you, Your Majesty, you may pontificate all you like! )

odo banks wrote:If you folks would only MIND your OWN business, then you need not be BORED or OFFENDED or feel the need to PONTIFICATE! (Not you, Your Majesty, you may pontificate all you like! )

If only we could mind our own business, but when the two of you are shouting at eah other in thinly encrypted bursts. then openly shouting at each other, dragging up pointless ancient history purely for the sake of upsetting each other it is impossibe not to hear!

You know nothing about feuding do you, Kafria! (And, anyway, Mr Tyrant started it! )

odo banks wrote:You know nothing about feuding do you, Kafria! (And, anyway, Mr Tyrant started it! )

As I've started telling my students when they use the same excuse

I don't care who started it, just stop!

Not until we get our coal scuttle back!

Will you stop going on about that rusty pail! We've had it ever so long. May as well ask the Queen to give Scotland back. Ridiculous! Stop being so childish, Mr Tyrant - it might suit you but it leaves a bad impression.

2 and a happenny that cost my granddad. How is a Scotshobbit to forget a thing like that!

I heard he got it second hand for 1 and a h'penny and a mangy whelp no one really wanted - except Fatso Broadbeam who sold it to your grandforbear! You know, you're doing nothing to help your argument!

Fatso did not sell any mangy whelp to my Grandad, my Grandad rescued it from Fatty who was sold it by Unwarrented Banks and Fatty was going to put in his oven. And even if my granddad did get it for 1 and a h'penny that just shows what a shrewd bargainer he was.

Shrewd! Yep, that's true! And deceitful you are, Mr Tyrant, just like all Tyrants (and McTyrants) are, especially when trying to win an argument! Yes, 1 and a h'penny! Not 2 at all! You admit it! Liar! And that whelp was Fatso's to do with as he pleased btw. Lucky, he was good enough to overlook your grandforbear's "theft". Good old Fatso - he was Largo's brother-in-law you know. As honest a Scotshobbit as one could meet - not like others I've heard tell of! Not naming names.

((((((((((

"Mmm... surely took the wind out of his sails... I knew he couldn't keep up steam forever..."

"So it's true what they say about the McTyrants."

"Yes indeed Primmy. All talk really. Go missing in the face of any stout resistance - always have 'tis said."

"Oh Daddy, do the McBankses really have their coal scuttle?"

"Of course they do, Sunny, of course they do. It's got magical properties, you see, that's why they're still weeping over it. Have you never wondered why they never have to pay for coal?"

"Then shouldn't the McBankses give it back? You did say it was only lended, Daddy."

"Shady - have they taught you nothing at Our Lady? What's ours is ours. Now hush up. It's almost six, if we keep nattering on you'll have to go without your bedtime story."

"Oooh can we have another Wholesome Tale, Daddy?"

"We'll see, Sunny, we'll see."

))))))))))

See here, I WILL PUT YOU TO SLEEP FOR 100YEARS IF YOU DON'T MAKE UP RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT'S AN ORDER FROM HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN!

Was that thunder? Oh blimey and I thought I might have pleased Her Maj by redoing the planair ad and making her prominant in it! See Petty, this is what comes of trying to suck up to Royalty, you end up getting shouted at just when you had that Banks in the tight grip of crabbit logic and were about to make him give up our coal scuttle, what with the price of coal going up again. Now how I can I get it back if I can't use crabbit arguing on him by order of the Queen? This is so maddening I might end up talking to myself, again.

(((((I confess, Petty, that Lady Tin does have a point. Perhaps, you should let the McBankses keep that coal scuttle! They do seem determined to keep it.))))