Howdy from Needlehole

Yes --- but beneath what is known is what is not known (by girls, that is )


((( )))

But of course.

((()))

Hello! Mmm no sign of a single Banks. '
Excuse me cork hat wearing yokel hobbit-have you seen Odo or Mirabella? Its just there's this thing, this thing I've been meaning to do, should probably have done it by now in fact, but you see I'm not very good you know with the thingies, you know, the words. I need a bit of buckie for my nerves you see and then I just end up waking up upside down in a hedge somewhere, so not very good you understand. I have to speak to them whilst I can, and have the right buckie to conciousness ratio, and well, I fear I am too late you see. So if you see them do let me know-there's a buckie in it for you, well a sup of buckie, well a look at my bottle of buckie, and when I say look I mean through a window. Thanks.'

Why, Mr Tyrant there you are... Why are you talking to a boar -- and who put that cork hat on it? Never mind, let me help you out of this sty - why do you always seem to end up in a puddle of muck? Here, let me help you climb out of there... By the way, Mirabella's not back from Norway yet, I'm afraid... Yes, Norway... had to go back a second time. Have no idea what she's up to... ((((((((((Oh yes, good news, she's not mentioned anything about you-know-what - and I've got Porgy to stay home and Biffo is on an eagle to the Kimberleys. Out of sight, out of mind, that's what I say! The longer Mirabella is distracted the better, I say! )))))))))) Mr Tyrant, this no place to do that... Oh -- my -- God! ... Or that! And in the middle of Naggy Bottlebrush's lawn of all places! My goodness, even the hogs are blushing....

Oh my.

Where's the popcorn? This oughta be entertaining.

If you keep eating popcorn the way you are, Baingil, and you'll be a mini destroyer in no time!

How did you find out my secret plan?

Hey! Look after that figure, Baingil! It's worth preserving! (Lucky Eldo, what! )

I like eating hearty meals, so I like a girl that I can share that with.

Spoken like the true Lord of Forumshire

I just have to do a lot of sit-ups, is all. Or mental exercises.

Why are none of you Mirabella?!?! Wheres Mirabella. MIRABELLA! MIRABELLLLAAAAAA! I've been hanging about here, ages, just drinking with the local, um hogs, in hats. burp! And where is she? Tell me that Odo- run off thats *@!*@ where. To see some blonde, chiseled, git. Probably got his own carriage and everything with go faster tw*t stripes! Hey get off my kilt, stop eating that. Look, youve put a hole in it, right in the worst place. I've had it Odo, had it up to here, or even here. Women! I was going to give her, you know, sticky thing girls like splashed all over things...heart, yes heart like on valentines cards and stuff. Look I brought my own knife! And she can't even make the effort not to run off! @**! her, sideways, with a rhinoceros with a dwarf jockey. Sorry Odo, that's your, whatever she is, I apologise, but I'm upset and a wee bit crabbit and a tad drunk. I think! Why am I sitting on a pig?

Where are the Shirriffs when we need them?

Someone couldn't wait till our 111th day

I've got a bow, if anyone needs me to use it.

'Oh I left my crabbit heart in Needlhole
Which a hobbitt lass called Mirabella stole.
She was short and neat, with a hint of peat
and delicate hairs grew upon her graceful feet.

She was the Sherrif, the law
with a right hook to your jaw
a kick in the shins a knee in the face
What a lass! You set my heart a pace.

But you ran off to foreign climes
Leaving me only with memories of the good times.
I sit alone, except for the pigs, and mourn
For Mirabella ytou have made my heart forlorn.

But what is this that comes to hand
Why the saviour of broken hearts in the land.
Buckie! Come to me! Buckie Oblivion is whats right!
Now then you *@!*@!, who wants a fight?'

(((((((I think I can manage to ease that bottle of buckie out from under his arm... that's it... now don't let him look behind this bush, for heaven's sake.)))))))

Good Petty, of course none of us want a fight. If you'll just come over here, and disregard the bucket of ice-water above that spot....

Whats cold, wet and on my head? hic. Aha a bucket of freezing water. A *!@*** what? You *!@*!!. Who did that? When I rememeber how my body works agian your going to be in big trouble!!
Where's my buckie! NO!!! BUCKIE!! No MIrabeel! No buckie!! @!*@@ I'm going to kill someone!!!!!

(((((((I think I'll just hide behind this bush...)))))))

"All's quiet now in Needlehole,
The grass is brittle and damn cold,
And as I wander home at last,
Who is this hobbit I walk past?

Do I know him? Yes, I do,
With parts so vulgar, turning blue,
Oh my goodness gracious me,
It's my poor old hobbit Scotty!

Oooh can I marry such a one?
Such a boozy vulgar smelly mon!
It makes it even harder, sad to say,
That things did not work out in Norway!"




"Song of a Fair Maiden on seeing the True Colours of her Love (predominantly blue)."

Wisey Banks

Ooooooow! What happened? Why am I in a pigsty? My tongue no longer seems to fit in my mouth, and why does it feel like its coated in hair?! And, urgh, what has that pig done in my sporran! Oh my head! Sure there was something I was meaning to do. Ah well, sure it was nothing important. Hope I haven't done anything inappropriate- Odo does take on so when I do that in his neighbourhood. Oo I feel terrible.
What I need is a hair of the dog- now who might have some buckie, just to take the edge of you understand.

Wisey Banks wrote:"All's quiet now in Needlehole,
The grass is brittle and damn cold,
And as I wander home at last,
Who is this hobbit I walk past?

Do I know him? Yes, I do,
With parts so vulgar, turning blue,
Oh my goodness gracious me,
It's my poor old hobbit Scotty!

Oooh can I marry such a one?
Such a boozy vulgar smelly mon!
It makes it even harder, sad to say,
That things did not work out in Norway!"




"Song of a Fair Maiden on seeing the True Colours of her Love (predominantly blue)."

Wisey Banks

'I'll show Mirabella, chatting up newcomers on yon Hello thread, chasing efter yon herring eaters in Norway-she'll chase oanything wi a horn. Treat me like that! Me! Wi' ma drinken credentials? Oh how could she? Oh Mirabella! Come back tae me. Nae, nae, didnae come back. You made yer choice, missed yer chance. Aye, get tae, thats the way!

O-er yon hills, purple an' green is a glen
and there dwells ma love in a wee but-an-ben.
She's as strong as an ox an' as determened as can be
quite something considering she's only three fit three.
A Sherriff bringing law by day an' a fine lass by night
My love wis drawn tae her as a moth is tae the light.



Ooooh but she stomped on ma heart an' made it bleed
She ran aff tae Norway withoot taking care nor heed.
Ooooh the cow, the tart yon cruel ole witch
whits the word fir a lass like that? Och aye its b*tch!



So if yi fall fir a Sherriff, short an' sweet
Dinae imagine yir hearts in fir a treat.
Cause she'll toy wi it an' use up a' yer love
An' she'll use yer heart fir a pair of gloves.



So to Mirabella, once love of my life
to whom given time I would have taken tae wife
yive hud yer chance, missed the boat hen
an whits under ma kilt yi'll ne'er now ken.

Ooooh the cow, the tart yon cruel ole witch
whits the word fir a lass like that? Och aye its b*tch!

bottles empty! Supplies! I need supllies. Oh Mirabella why did you dae this tae me!! Buckie! I demand buckie fer a broken heart! Gi me buckie or I'll start singin' again yi bampots! Right, naebody here, I'm going fir a walk in search o' buckie, and maybes huv a square go way someone. Aye, I''l show her and how a real man take srejection!

Oh no, he's been at the buckie again! Where did he find it? (((((((Thought I'd hid it all in that tree over there, don't mention it to him!))))))) And I'm out of ice water.