Howdy from Needlehole

More Duckie Bar-thing! I'm fed up with this new Balin Banks, where are my old Banks mates? Its singing time. Ahh how Wise Odo used to love a good innocent sing-song. All together now!

'A wizard's staff has a knob on the end
And runes run up the shaft
It's long and proud and stiff and loud
It's the pride of wizardcraft.
A wizard's staff has a knob on the end
It never will buckle, it never will bend
He cherishes it, and he calls it his friend,
and he frequently takes it in hand.

(Chorus.)

A wizard's staff has a knob on the end, knob on the end, knob on the end
A wizard's staff has a knob on the ennndddd!
What he does with it is magic!

The staff of a wizard with honour is crowned.
Without it a wizard will rarely be found.
'Tis big and its round and weighs three to the pound
And without it he's truly unmanned.

A wizard's staff has a knob on the end
And the odd frog knows it's true
When your staff has a bend then the spell you send
Can fly right back at you.

(Chorus.)

A wizard's staff has a knob on the end, knob on the end, knob on the end
A wizard's staff has a knob on the ennndddd!
What he does with it is magic!

A wizard when young has a staff that is small.
It's puny and weak, ineffective withal.
It grows with his power until it stands tall
As his fame and his glory expand.
When a wizard is old, and is starting to fade
He looks on his staff that with cunning he made
The crown of his life and the tool of his trade
And together they make their last stand.

(Chorus.)
A wizard's staff has a knob on the end, knob on the end, knob on the end
A wizard's staff has a knob on the ennndddd! What he does with it is magic!'

Now whose up for a few verses of ' Il Porcupino Nil Sodomy Est' (The Hedgehog can never be buggered at all') More Duckie please, there's singing to be done! *apologies to Terry Pratchett and several unknown Pratchett fans.

Balin Banks

With poetry like that, Petty Tyrant 101, I'm sure you'll entice old Wisey Banks out of hiding in no time. As to whether you like me or not, I care not a whit. I'm used to prejudice. I am what I am.

oh who let Balin the Usurper in? Right in the middle of my singing too! Right you, am I drunk? Am drunk ain't I? Good. You, you Banks off-shooot- you're claimed. Outside. No wait a minute, why does this place not have an inside and outside? What is it with this place, everything is outside! Right over there next to the mud-hole Banks. You are getting such a pounding. Are these my legs?

Balin Banks

Fortunately, I am off home - there are still dishes to be washed from last night's soiree. I only popped in to see how things hung here (and yes, please adjust your kilt) and I frankly admit I enjoyed your song Petty Tyrant 101 - though I suspect it has a vulgar twist ----- Oooh - where did all these duck feathers come from? I must not ask! ----- Anyway, I will let the Rushock Bog Bankses know that nothing, nothing at all, has changed at the Fish and Pond. Mind, I've only been here once before - for Odo and Primadonna's engagement party - so I guess I'm no real judge of the place ... Anyway, as to fisticuffs - I'll leave that to you drunkards... fare thee well... (Scotshobbits... never change.....)

Where'd that weasel Balin Banks go? "Excuse me, have you seen a cross-dressing hobbit around here? Bloody cheek! How many times this is not a dress its a kilt! I am not a cross dresser. Well literally I am in that I get dressed and I'm always cross, but that's beside the point, this is not a skirt! It bloody well isn't! Right you over by the mud hole, join that queue of people I've threatened to fight I'll get round to you right after another round of Duckie and maybe some more singing. Oh there's was a cross dresser called Banks who three times a day like to w.... what? what you mean I can't sing that here? Right you as well, over by the mud hole. Gonna be a busy day I see."

Ringdrotten

More poetry from Petty please, hilarious stuff

Balin Banks

(((I must be three miles away and I can still hear that buffoon bellowing! Giddy-up Firedrake, home is where the heart is! )))

Well several days of searching every pub in this place and nothing. No sign of Odo, Mirabella or old Wisey. I even heard a rumour that Wisey had taken to a ship and left Middle-earth for a new forum were he now lives in disguise! Nonsense I'm sure but I am beginning to suspect this new Banks of skullduggery. Best think it over in the next pub, one thing about this place, plenty places to drink.

Grey Pilgrim

This is certainly a good place for this kind of fun. Enjoy yourselves!

By gum its amazing who you meet in this place. The most unlikely of characters, could have sworn that was the Grey Pilgrim stealing some peanuts of the bar there. I heard tell he had put all the Odo clan but Balin under house arrest! So long as they have license to come to the pub occasionally to see old friends it shall have to do I suppose.

Odo Banks

It was largely Mr Pilgrim's odious treatment of me that brought on my severe case of odiumophobia, Mr Tyrant. If he wants to visit here (however hypocritical it seems) then he is free to do so. As you know, we Bankses are a harmless friendly welcoming bunch (even the slightly up-themselves Bywater Bankses!) I only hope he pays the Bankses a bit more respect in future. If he can't, then I hope he stays away. Btw I'm not actually suggesting Mr Pilgrim is a hypocrite in any way, it just seems like he's one. :ugeek:

Good to see you out and about Odo. Have some Duckie and peanuts. I feared you'd taken flight like Wisey seems to. But then he always was the sensitive one, to much channeling will do that to a hobbit. How is Mirabella? I suspect secretly old GB is missing her attentions. As to GP, well he can visit if he pleases, if he gets to uppity he can join the rest of them that I've 'claimed', over by the mud-hole.

Wise Odo

Oh Mr Tyrant, this all so difficult to comprehend. House arrest? Yes, in a way it has been. Reminds me of something:
"When the hypocrites and sadists,
Can say whatever they wish,
Then the good harmless folk,
Must be served up on a dish,
Their joy destroyed,
Their humor carved,
Their every single kindness halved.
Oh how the shrieking prudes,
Cry out from their podiums!
But what about the good folk,
Cast down in fear of odium?"
Tolstoy: "The Castration of the Gentle Persons."

Prophetic words. Prophetic words indeed. Poor Odo. He bears the weight for all of us. He holds us above the quagmire on his sturdy Queen Anne legs!

Well your among friends here Wisey, and bearded ladies, drunk hobbits, some irritable dwarves (granted it was me who irritated them), two crocodiles and something that looks like a teddy bear and smells of mint. Have a Duckie, by which I mean its your round.

Wise Odo

Well, I really shouldn't even be here, Petty, but being cooped up with Odo --- well, I think I'm beginning to see why GP dislikes him so much --- quite full on, unlike me, a bit of an egomaniac - GP said it, so I guess it's true! Now --- as to this Duckie --- can you show me the procedure --- I think I can see how the plucking is done, but how do you control the quacking during the brew-as-you-drink process exactly ----? I must say, Odo is a wiz at Duckie-making, and clearly he's taught you the method in a very short time -- so I guess it's not complicated --- Ouch! Does the Duckie usually peck so much? --- or should I just drink more slowly...? :?

The knack is in how you hold it Wisey, this is where a kilt comes in handy, see, if I wrap this round here it covers the Duckies one big evil red eye, soon as you do that it goes all limp in your hand. Then with a quick twist and a pull, there you go, fresh Duckie. If it starts to peck again just give it a squeeze, about there, they don't like that. Oopps sorry Mam, forgot I still had the kilt round the Duckie and not me, well don't look at it if it upsets you. Women!

O! there is a Petty Tyrant as drunk as drunk can be
He is a mighty fellow as I'm sure you can see
He stands full square and bravely on the purest of all ground
and all his Tolkien knowledge is really very sound!

O! there is dear Odo, as respectable as can be
He is a sturdy fellow as I'm sure you all agree
He has a large family, the Banks clan no less
and all of them together can squabble with the best!

Chorus

Oooooh come to The Hobbit Forum, come gather round
We all love our Tolkien but there’s lots more to be found whooooooooooooooooooooo!
There’s GB pontificating, Petty Tyrant demonstrating, Eldo verificating, Biffo banks masticating.
We have Ringdrotten the libertine and Ally is Welsh to the core and Tin whose exquisite nose we don't see any more!
But welcome all come along, join our happy band
For we are all travellers in Tolkien's happy land.

O! there is dear GB, as left wing as can be
He is an intelligent fellow and he'll tell you that for free!
He likes to stroke his beard a lot from morning until night
But if you catch him at it you might just get a fright!

O! there is young Eldo, decent through and through
He's a bright young spark this is certainly true
But he says he is a purist, but I think we know the truth
His puritism is youthful and it's fast off the hoof.

Chorus

Oooooh come to The Hobbit Forum, come gather round
We all love our Tolkien but there’s lots more to be found whooooooooooooooooooooo!
There’s GB pontificating, Petty Tyrant demonstrating, Eldo verificating, Biffo banks masticating.
We have Ringdrotten the libertine and Ally is Welsh to the core and Tin whose exquisite nose we don't see any more!
But welcome all come along, join our happy band
For we are all travellers in Tolkien's happy land.

O! there is Ringdrotten, hailing from a ford
He wants to smoke a pipe but only one he can afford!
He comes from a far flung land with languages so strange
But when it comes to Tolkien he's very easy to engage!

O! there is Ally, Celtic as can be
Hailing from a mine no doubt and singing lustily.
Is Ally a liberal, or pure as a Tyrant can be?
I think over time we shall soon come to see!

Chorus

Oooooh come to The Hobbit Forum, come gather round
We all love our Tolkien but there’s lots more to be found whooooooooooooooooooooo!
There’s GB pontificating, Petty Tyrant demonstrating, Eldo verificating, Biffo banks masticating.
We have Ringdrotten the libertine and Ally is Welsh to the core and Tin whose exquisite nose we don't see any more!
But welcome all come along, join our happy band
For we are all travellers in Tolkien's happy land.

More Duckie Bar-thing, my last one escaped while I was singing!

Have a Duckie GB- the knacks in how you squeeze 'em and watch you don't get pecked, got to admire a country were the drink fights back!

Gandalfs Beard

I'm a little dubious about drinking bodily fluids unless I'm certain what orifice it emanates from. If it's from an udder, then I might be tempted.

Typical Beard-stroker! You're probably worried about the well fare of the Duckie! All I know is it aint the end that pecks!

Ringdrotten

More quality poetry from Petty

Welcome to the Fish and Pond Ringdrotten. Grab a Duckie- that one needs plucking first mind!

Wise Odo

Hick... a fine song it were lad - a fine song indeed! Och! The more o this Duckie I slurp the more Scottish I feel! Huc!.... Don't even mind the unhygenic cruel aspect o things! Hick! I feel a channel a'comin on....

Oh trickle truckle the Duckie,
Rollin' down within the muckie.
Oh how very lucky I do feel, m'lads.
Me 'ead is light and fluffy,
And my sinuses unstuffy,
And I see visions of a girl called Muffy which is strange! 'cause I see her on a telly,
And I've never seen a telly,
It's strange to see a telly, I've got queries in my belly, 'cause tellys don't exist as far as I know...
Ooh no use to get all glucky,
Just hand me another Duckie, I enjoy so much this pluckie doodle-doo!

"Hick! Hick! ooh my 'ead..."

Gandalfs Beard

This is starting to uncomfortably remind of the "dog milk" episode of South Park! :?

Balin Banks

Don't recall the episode - but I remember some of the LotR parody. I must watch that again!