WHOLESOME TALES

Most of that wouldn't even count as single entrendes!

It's a fine tale in my opinion, Mr Tyrant, though I confess, reading it again, I do wonder if it might if migght not be ever so mildly slightly dubious in some ways...

Btw is "entendre" French for "eel"?

I think it means 'eel-like', something that looks like an eel but is really something else. Quite clearly in this tale the Orwellian fellow is a con-artist and it is no eel he keeps in his trousers but something else entirely (my guess is a length of stout thick rope dipped in eel juice so as to fool the tastebuds of poor Miss Melons). This is the sort of trick an Orwellian type would pull off to falsely gain the marriage of such a sweet eel-wrangling hobbit-lass.

{{{Petty, you shouldn't go giving away my cunning plan, else you'll scare Mrs Figg away!}}}



By the way, I found this youtube clip. Weird thing, I felt as if my heart was moving up into my throat! No joke! Believe it or not, I had a moment where I felt my heart actually moving like as to choke me!

The bagpipes are worn as an ornament, I think? Actually, I don't know what they were doing in this video, Petty, but I've decided it doesn't matter...

It may sound strange, but I did not have one Benny Hill thought, just a great welling of sheer joy! Awestruck! Now I know the word can have a metaphysical meaning.


Anyhow --- enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCccPGtjaCU&feature=player_detailpage#t=0s

Oh yes, and I now fully respect the kilt.

I make no apology for loving the female race!!!!!

(Yes, I know you've probably all seen it before! I don't care For me it was a revelation ).

OBLIQUE ODE TO MRS FIGG

when push comes to shove
when pussy cat eats dove
i'll still stay contemplatin'
in my chair
on the lawn
in the backyard

i'll dream
always
of women

it's not like it's some
deliberate prognostication
can't help it
i'm a Man
and sometimes
not afraid
to say it!

and if women weren't put here
to make a man
feel good
then why the f*^k
did god make ém
so attractin'?

so to all you folk
who cry and spin
sayin'
respect women
stop lookin' down their blouses
i say
go jump in the lake
go sink like a stone
i'll send in the
piranhas

"Sudden Thoughts I Never Thought I Could Think Of"

by Wisey Banks.

Not a chance, Wisey... Mrs Figg wants a Real Man - not some foppish pretend-to-be poet. And, really, trying to use poetry for talking tough! I mean - reeeally... You'll need to do more than threaten politically correct bozzos with piranhas to win her heart... Go back to Porgy, ol' son. Not a chance! No, not with big, brawny, sun bronzed, handsome, kangroo ridin', intelligent, tough, humble Orwell in the room...

Oh yes, and I now fully respect the kilt.- Orwell

That does not qualify as a kilt, it'd never pass the kneeling hem length test!!! Besides you do know Rod Stewart is the saddest thing you can find on this planet. An Englishmen who thinks he is Scottish.

Somehow, seeing that clip, no amount of fact-stating can stop my beating heart... hang on while I watch it again...

... I think it's the song, not just the girl, but it's mainly the girl... a work of art. You know, not even I would even touch her if allowed... not even with my filthy mind... She brings Joy. I should not like to sully that image with my sweaty paws (physical or metaphysical).

And if you started wearing kilts like that, Petty, well, maybe, just maybe, I might turn a pinker shade of gay... So long as you look like the gorgeous specimen I was just watching. I could go for a Man like her. Are you such as Man, Petty?

{{{Mrs Figg, of course, is both handsome and feisty! I feel so conflicted just now}}}

There was an eel squeezer from Bree
whos reputation was sent out to sea
her prowess as a squeezer
no longer could please her
because in the Bugle she was panned
a laughing stock throughout the land
with no more oily eels to please
and boa constrictors to tease
a change of career was heeded
maybe ferret fiddling was needed
so harken to this tale of woe
so shall ye reap as ye sow
ladies never touch a gents eel
not even for a quick feel
not even if you are promised drinks
youll surely be labelled a minx
so avoid geeks who bear buckie
and youll be more lucky
than me.

I've sobered up, and I think that it's time that we had an "Aroused Man's" thread...

"I could go for a Man like her. Are you such as Man, Petty?"- Orwell

No.

" it's time that we had an "Aroused Man's" thread"- Tin

What a thread to put Orwell on? Good idea Tin, filled with ice and cold showers.

Dear Mrs Figg, I must say, though not particularly resounding with respectable themes, your Channellin' is of high order, and possibly the sadddest channel I've heard in all the life long day! If I might sggest you pop up to Our Lady's where Janesmith would, I'm sure, help you out - in a purification sense - both bodily and physically. Here to help! This thread is not for one such as you - just look at the types it attracts {{{Orwell, Mr Tyrant and Her Majesty are recent examples of the type of folk who come here -- err... I come here only to cast my Moral eye over the place! }}}

Dear Your Majesty, I really don't think Forumshire needs sordid threads, do you? "Arousal" is such a loaded word!

Dear Mr Tyrant, I don't see why you should denigrate a fine kilt, not when worn by a chaste young woman of good bearing and cheerful mien. There are too few few such women in the world nowadays? And, with the advance of science, why not consider it? I am open minded... if what resides in you is of a contrast to your bodily situation, why not have the surgery? I have always felt you'd make a better Lady than a Man.

Dear Orwell, I don't think you should go on and on so with such pathetic middleaged juvenility. People will surely be rolling their eyes (yet again) in embarrassment. You also attract the wrong kind of people here! But if you insist in persisting with your manopausal musings, please don't do it on the Wholesome Thread. You lower the colour of the place!

Dear Mrs Figg, Odo has contacted me via palantir. He tells me you are going through a phase of sexual uncertainty and moral ambiguation, which is causing you to channel publicly on subjects including physicality with animals, including eels, ferrets, minxes and a peculiar creature called a "buckie bear."

I think that perhaps that I would advise you to attend our school and do our Short Course in Respectabilty. In it we discuss and implement the following topics:

(1) How to Speak Nicely in Public,
(2) How to Keep Fun Things Behind Closed Doors
(3) How to Please Your Man, and the Proper Place to Do So
(4) How Hard Work in the Kitchen Never Harmed a Woman's Morals
(5) How to tell a Scotshobbit by the Length of his Kilt
(6) Where to find the Best Shoes
(7) Eel Selection for a Modern Woman of Good Morals
( Naked Women's Callisthenics Classes and Why Men Like Them (A)
(9) Naked Women's Callisthenics Classes and Why Men Like Them (B)
(10) How to Know another Woman and Please A Husband
(11) Why Channeling is so Dangerous to a Marriage
(12) Cooking
(13) Sewing
(14) Why Cleaning up Vomit is a Saintly Task

Of course, if you pass, Mrs Figg, we have other useful subjects for you to study.


yours faithfully,
Janesmith
Mother Superior
Our Lady of the Anklelength Frock
Needlehole Campus

There was an old squeezer from Bywater
who was in love with Mr Melons daughter
his prowess as a channeller
exceeded those as a panneller

so he worked for the Bugle, and planned
not to be a laughing stock in the land
with words channelled only to please
every nuance and gem teased

to only his career he heeded
for words were all he ever needed
to ease all his readers from woe
joy was the seed that he sowed

then one day a lady, the squeezer of eels
made him feel what he never could feel
she was like the strongest of inebriating drink
a woman so handsome and could think

so he dumped his wife - who drank buckie
by the barell and truckie -
and gave his heart
to her.

"Slightly Plagiarised Channelling from Mrs Figgs Fine Work"

by Wisey Banks

thanks to my lady I have seen the light,
that anklelengthed lady has seen my plight,
no more shall I squeeze, no more shall I please
any gentlemen callers will get the big freeze
Ill tell em to hop it, to shoot the breeze,
Ive had it with those eels, and all that sleeze.
with help from the campus ill learn to cook
I dont care what the chaps say, I dont give a ....

"fook"?

Well, done, Mrs Figg. We'll make you respectable yet.

Oooh... perhaps I might do the course, Mrs Figg. You must tell me how you went. Did you get good marks? I'm such a poor cook - and, therefore, a poor woman... And my sewing is hopeless... Mr Odo Banks was my Lecturer when I took Naked Callithenics a few years ago. It was not as satisfying as I might have thought. Who was your Lecturer? Was he or she a Mentor of good quality? Oh, so many questions.. please do tell...

when ive finished the campus
I will let you know
If ive learned to cook and sew
if i can please a man
with my pot and pan
if my cakes fit for a king
or man in white van.

Beren would love all this respectable stuff. Good thing he's off hunting those vampires from Twilight... Then again, everytime I mention him, he seems to pop up.... brace yourselves!

I might just pop along to my barrel then...just in case.

Lu? You here? I thought I heard you say my name. Huan smells peppermint again. I hope your friends aren't being secretive But I like what I see. I'm very impressed with this Jane! And Odo, as always, a very respectable gentleman! I can trust you two to keep my wife and that crazy scottshobbit away from that Buckie, can't I?

Oh bugger Beren! I mean "hi, Beren, good to see you in Forumshire again. Me, no, no buckie here, sure you can smell the bottle, see rasberry juice. No, you really don't need to taste any...."

What is this?! It tastes like.......