WHOLESOME TALES

Pettytyrant101 wrote:I think thats the bravest thing the Bugle has ever published! (And by brave I mean suicidally insane) Illuvatar help them when Kafria reads it! But should be fun! I'd better dig out the popcorn again I may be needing it soon.

Pettytyrant101 wrote: ADMIN!!!!!!!!!!!

The Archet Bugle wrote:(1) The Vote
(2) Equal pay for Equal Work
(3) Promotion based on Merit
(4) Shared Responsibility in Child Rearing
(5) Same Sex Marriage
(6) The Downfall of Patriarchy
(7) Female Illuvataran Priests

odo banks wrote:THE TALE OF THE GIRL WHO WOULD NOT GO TO HER ROOM

Once upon a time there was a young child (this could have been a girl or a boy but for the sake of good story telling we'll say it's a "girl" this time around, and if it was a boy it would be a very feminine boy anyway, not that there is anything wrong with that).

The young child (a girl in this instance) was named Blotch. I know, this sounds a silly name (and is even sillier without the 't' - as some spell it - and that would make another story in itself, and probably will). But silly names are all around us, like Flopsy, or Geebee, or Petty or Kathria, or Brer Rabbit (I mean, "Brer Rabbit"! Why not "Roast Rabbit"?), so we must just accept it and wince. And what of "Ringdrotten"? Can they get sillier. (Yes, they can!) Now Ally's a nicer name. For Ally's are always lovely girls, polite and attractive, intelligent (for girls) and always good (wholesome) fun to be with, and always sadly missed when they're away without notice. But Blotch was not the kind of girl an Ally was, for Blotch was a disobedient girl. (It's alright, Mother's and Father's, this is not a Tawdry Tale - you must read NotP for that kind of thing, not that I reccommend it, if you don't want to be struck dead by Illuvatar, Bless HIM!)

One afternoon, when Blotch got home from school (Morgoth Junior Co-ED Public School) her mother was in the drawing room drinking a nice glass of red (which is quite alright, though not at three fourty pm and not drunk by the bottlefull).

"Hey! Is that you, Blotch? Will you please shut that f^#$^!@ door! That wind must be from the f^#*$!@i Arctic!"

"Oh Mother, shut it you're .... (and Blotch said a word too bad even to disguise with ampersands and dollar signs! )... self, you old (............)(........)(!!!!!!!!!!!!!) bag!"

As you can see, Blotch knew nothing of proper drawing room talk, no, not in the least.

"Don't f^#$^!@ talk to your Mother like that!"

"Well, Mother, you can (!!!!!!)(............. ..... ...... !!!!! ...... !!!) yourself!"

"How dare you say that ---- and as if it was anatomically possible, and me a former netballer!" her Mother replied, almost shocked, the blow to her dignity (or what was left of it) somewhat protected by the bottles of good Old Wynyard she had consumed after lunch (which was a Dieter's Biscuit soaked in a (large) bowl of buckie). "You go to your room right this instance, Little Missy!"

"Well, you can... ... ...." (You can work out the rest).

"Well, I never!" said Mother, tearing-up as she often did when Blotch spoke to her thus. "You wouldn't say this if you weren't surrounded by women with nary a man to be seen in the whole neighbourhood."

"Well, Mother, there aint none of them around, now is there; and no wonder, you being such an emancipated person."

Now this really hurt, no matter how pickled she was just then; for Mother was a former member of FROFF (and we know what that means!) but had stopped going to meetings - where she might have imbibed fake courage and strength - because of her wobbly legs, this due to her alcohol problem (which itself had a lot to do with her only having women around and no positive role models).

Mother, legless or not just then, propelled by hurt (and given a fleeting surge of righteousness, by Illuvatar one assumes) lurched to her feet and grabbed an ashtray.

"Throw it hag," said the defiant little Miss as he stood in the doorway giving her mother a rude sign with one of her grubby fingers, with which she had recently been picking her nose - and in public! "You couldn't hit the side of a barn - you being such a girly-throw and all!"

No one really knows how Mother managed it (some suspect Illuvatar's hand, of course), but she let fly with the ashtray, sending cgarette butts everywhere, to be lost among the other numerous butts strewn on the floor. Amazingly, the ashtray hit Blotch fair in the left temple, knocking her unconcious.

The neighbours then called the Sheriff's Office and Mother and Daughter were taken away by two firm and caring Hobbits from Family Welfare, both Lady Sheriffs with appropriate morals (that's why they were allowed to work in Women's Domestic Issues Squad).

Blotch was placed in a Home for her own good. The Illuvataran Priest Custodian, Grimwald Harshhead, saw to her Improvement, with a strict regime that soon set her straight. Before too long, on advice, she changed her name to "Ally" - a nicer name all round, and was allowed to return to her Mother ---- and new Father! (see below).

Mother spent three months in a Dryout Prison. The Warden, Severus Sternbeck, helped her get over her drinking problem. Indeed, once sober, Mother became the nice girl she had been brought up to be, for she was under the stern but forgiving male eye of Severus. Severus seeing that Mother (dried out) was a buxom and attractive lady (for her age) fell in love with her and made her (shortly) after a Full Woman again, via the magic of Holy Matrimony.

And they all lived happily ever after.

THE NEW BUGLE BOOK of
WHOLESOME TALES
Sponsored by Odo R. Banks, esquire.

Pettytyrant101 wrote: Good to know the press are keepin you on your toes. We know what we like we Scothobbits and we aren't afraid to say it, loudly and drunkenly.

odo banks wrote:Yes, you're almost perfect, Ally, we know that - but the "weird" will have to go if one is to "totally" respect you! (And the buckies-and-coke, mmm... I know you're of age, but you will need to hold back a little. You don't want to become too "emancipated", now would you? Not every young woman (or older woman, like in the tale) is rescued in the end - when things collapse around you - by a handsome Severus!)

Ally wrote:I am addicted to the products of the coca-cola corporation though. Unless that's a nickname for cocaine?