WHOLESOME TALES

Mixed blessing, what?

This is just what I've asked for! Doctor Who and LOTR meshed together! I've actually read all of them without rolling my eyes or having a desperate need for Buckie! In fact, I think I'll have a kiddie rasberry cocktail for the next one! (Do try to visit Valinor in the story! That would make Beren's day! He's such a big Doctor Who fan! And Huan loved K9!)

But the Doctor cut Odo off before that respectable Ozhobbbit could incriminate himself any further. "Mrs Figg is a Dalek, Odo! A Dalek"!

What a twist!

My fear is Mrs Figg has been captured (or worse! ) and the Dalek is a horrid impersonator. Clever enough to momentarily fool Odo, yes, but never the Dooktor. I guess we'll just have to see...

DR WHO AND THE TROLLS

Episode 5


Once back in the tunnel, Odo slammed the door shut.

"That should hold it up," he said proudly with his thumbs behind his braces (again). "It's a deadlock!"

But, to everyone's upmost surprise, the door exploded. Out into the tunnel rolled Mrs Figg Dalek.

"Exterminate! Exterminate!"

"Run! Run for your life!" cried the Doctor, and not for the last time.

As they scurried back down the tunnel, Odo cried, "I hope the Daleks haven't captured Mrs Figg, or worse!"

"Ock the noo!" cried Petty in return, his words somewhat slurred, "I hope they doen cut her head off and stick it on a pike outside her cottage industry? What folk would go in kniowing a pack of murderous Dalek's are in there!"

"Oh Sweet Eru smell my socks!" Odo positively bleated. "What about all the other ladies who ply their honest trade in Mrs Figgs cottage industry? I hope they're not captured, or worse, or beheaded!"

"Ock! A brave Ozhobbit would run right back there and try to save any survivors, Odo Banks!"

"As would any brave Tyrant!" Odo said bad temperedly, because he knew Petty was right.

"I would of course, ock nelly, excepting I said it first," Petty retorted angrilly, because he knew Odo was right.

"No point," Dr Who said, "they're either dead or captured. Either way we can't save them, not yet anyhow."

"If they're already dead, you can't save them, Doctor," Porgy wept openly, like any good heroine should do in such circumstances. "Oh where has that horrible tin can gone? I thought it was just behind us!"

"It's the gravel floor in this tunnel. Vacuum cleaner wheels are not all that effective in this situation," the Doctor informed her wisely. "Though I'm assuming it's Pre-90's, of course."

"We're fooked if it's not, Dooktor," Petty gasped.

"That's true."

"Quick," Odo yelled just then. "We must go by this secret passage..."

"A secret passage in a secret tunnel?" Porgy squealed happily, clapping her hands in excitement. "Don't tell me where it goes, Odo, I want it to be a surprise."

"Yes, well... where's the key?"

"Quick! Quick!" Petty yelled, breathing buckie vapor all over Odo's shoulder as he searched frantically for the key to the perfectly invisible door.

"Steady on, Petty - where is that f*^%ing thing?"

"Quack! Quack!" Petty yelled, even more anxiously, falling into his native Scotshobbitish. "Quack the doodle, ock nelly moo moo!"

"Here it is," Odo cried in triumph and suddenly a door hole appeared.

"Well done," the Doctor congratulated him. "That door looks very scientific and modern."

"No, it's Sindaran," Odo told him. "Elvish, you know."

In a trice, the companions were on the other side of the door which closed behind them. And only in the nick of time, for they quickly heard the sound of crunching gravel on the other side, and an evil mechanical voice saying, "Fookin vacuum cleaner wheels..."

"There!" the Doctor said amiably. "I knew it!"

"Whar too now?" Petty asked having regained his senses, and also his Scotshobbit English dialect. "Nock the nee and bollocks! I thought we were gonners ther for a minute."

"I must say, Petty," the Doctor commented amiably, "Your Scotshobbit English dialect does come and go, doesn't it?"

"Never mind that Doctor," Odo implored him. "We may not be out the frying pan yet. That Dalek might be smart enough to find my Elvish door. Follow me!"

So off the companions went again. It was a long walk. Then they caught an underground train powered by Elvish Orbs, which impressed the Doctor very much, and annoyed Petty even more.

"Where did he get the money for this? Magic Scuttle Coal trade?"

"Hush!" Porgy rebuked him. "Be thankful Odo foresaw troubles. If not for that, these tunnels and secret trains would not be here to help us."

"How could he have foreseen our troubles, lassie? "

"It wasn't 'our' troubles, Petty. He said 'troubles', which means, 'possible general troubles', I'd suggest," the Doctor put in reasonably as the train clattered along. "Though, I confess, the whole idea of a train in Middle Earth is dreadfully anachronistic. Mind you, it gives me hope we're returning to a proper Dr Who kind of script. Trains in Middle Earth! Yes, that might cut it..."

"We're almost there," Odo told them as he worked the levers of the train engine, and pushed the blooper, patted the ningnong and curled the whirligig, bringing the train slowly to a stop.

Next thing, Odo was taking them up a stairway deep underground. At last, they came out into a huge room with lots of beds.

"This reminds me of the Year Twelve dormitory at Our Lady of the Ankleklength Frock?" Porgy said in surprise when her eyes grew accustomed again to daylight as it beamed through many latticed windows.

"Yes, indeed," Odo said. "I guess the girls are at class."

"Year Twelve dormitory?" Petty asked, suspiciously. "Why does your tunnel come out here, Odo?"

Odo did not answer immediately, but at last he said: "Well, if there was to be troubles, then the girls would need an escape route."

"And so there are escape passages from all the girl's dorms, Odo?" Porgy cheered, delighted by his forethought.

"Err... I was working on it..."

"Oh how wonderful you are, Odo," and Porgy gave him a huge happy sisterly kiss.

Petty gave him a dirty look.

THe Doctor had walked over to one of the windows. But he ducked back from the window almost immediately. "Is this a school for Dalek's dressed in girl's uniforms?" he asked with some concern.

"Ock noo!" Petty cried. "Does that mean the Year Twelve girls have been captured, or somepin worse!!"

Odo sat on the floor and began to weep...











"

Daleks in Our Lady! Genius. But um if this is classic Who Pertwee era where's the gadgets? Wheres the 70's martial arts and venusian karate? Im getting Ecclestone era vibe here! (Is the Archet Bugle's anominous author trying to impress Mrs Figg?)

Well seeing as Eccleston is the BEST Doctor EVER, its obvious there are good vibrations. btw I had a dream of silver fairies last night, they were like thistledown and floaty in the moonlight.

What I'm suspecting Petty, and of course I'm no expert or have any inside information and whatever I come up with on this subject is pure speculation, the Bugle's Anonymous Author is using "aspects" of any Doctor that has immediate appeal to anyone in it's audience. So if the Forumshire Doctor - if I might call him that - is a bit of Ecclestone (to pleae Mrs Figg) and bit of any of the others to please others as it comes, but mostly Pertwee (and I've got no doubts that his gadgets wil appear, now you've mentioned them ), well, all the bettter! Especially as a physical "focus" for the Anonymous Author (purest speculation, as I said) would help him write about him. Ha! Then the chance of pleasing everyone here - including the lowest common denominator, which is ALMOST everyone here except myself -will be Higher. This is more about bringing Who to the Masses than it is about writing Pure Who, of course, and PJ would be proud, I reckon!

{{{Mrs Figg - dreams and thoughts NOTED).

DR WHO AND THE TROLLS

Episode 6


The Doctor had walked over to one of the windows. But he ducked back from the window almost immediately. "Is this a school for Dalek's dressed in girl's uniforms?" he asked with some concern.

"Ock noo!" Petty cried. "Does that mean the Year Twelve girls have been captured, or somepin worse!!"

Odo sat on the floor and began to weep...

The Doctor seemed peculiarly undisturbed. He walked across to one of the beds. He was wearing flares which he had picked up in Soho around 1982. They were not like the Northern Lights flares, as that would be ridiculous. Porgy noticed them (the pants not the Northern Lights) as if for the first time.

"Oooh I wouldn't mind getting into those pants."

"You remind me of Leela for some reason, with a bit of Sarah Jane," the Doctor said amiably. "Funny how aspects of history repeat, though not all of them. But is this the time for swapping pants, Porgy? I don't think so. But, then again...."

A few minutes later Porgy and the Doctor were changing clothes. The Doctor now wore a lowcut frock, white with poker dots. "I only insisted on a knicker swap for added authenticity," he said, if a bit more amiably than ususal.

"I doenna mind at all, at all," Petty replied, his eyes fixed resolutely on Porgy who was still struggling to pull on the Doctor's underpants - which were very tight on her, all the doctors being such slim chaps, with the possible exception of Tom Baker and one or two others that I haven't seen episodes of.

"Now, all I need is one of my gadgets," the Doctor said. He reached into one of the pockets of his trousers which lay on a bed. "Here it is! Brilliant!"

Out of the pocket he had brought a long rod with a mechanical eye on the end of it. "Got this from a Dalek in 1972. Thought it might come in useful one day."

Petty frowned. "But that's more a prop than a gadget", Dooktor..."

"You're never satisfied, are you?" the Doctor smiled amiably. "Quick, find something to affix it to my forehead."

"What are you planning," Odo asked as he wiped tears from his cheeks. "Do you plan a clever ruse to fool the Daleks, and if so, will you then go and find the Year Twelve girls and rescue them if their alive, and resurrect them with some scientific wizardry, complete in all parts, of course, and with no post-dramatic trauma, if dead?"

"Exactly," the Doctor answered amiably.

"Oooh, goodie," Odo said. "... I mean.. I'm relieved those innocent young girls will be given a second chance."

"You'll give 'em more than a second chance, I wager, ock noo!" Petty said snidely.

"You dirty minded pervert! How unrespectable of you," Odo frowned at him, though he did not look his old enemy in the eye.

"Oh Odo, would you help me fasten the Doctor's shirt buttons?" Porgy asked in frustration. "The shirts so tight about the chest..."

"Aye! I shull!" Petty volunteered at the same second that Odo whispered, "Ooh I shall!"

Which caused a furious furore, until the Doctor made them sit on a bed with their legs crossed while he fastened the buttons himself.

"This shirt is from Krypton, there's no risk of the buttons bursting," the Doctor added, sweating profusely, for it had been no mean effort getting the shirt buttons done up around Porgy's chest, though the toil had been conducted manfully and with a high degree of good humour, and plenty of the usual pleasure one has doing those things, even if you're a Time Lord - apparently.

"What I plan to do first is win over the Dalek Year Twelves to my confidence. Then I'll ask a few cleverly ambiguous questions and find out what they're up to in Middle Earth."

"They'll be trying to exterminate all intelligent life here, Dooktor, nookie nelly za numnootz. Aye, I could even tell you thart, and I'm from Scotshobbiton!"

"Do you mind? Now, while I'm gone, you must sit here quietly and look after poor Porgy. And fear not about her shirt." The Doctor now pulled out a funny circular pendant thing out of his breast pocket (definitely a gadget). It had a red button on it and he compresed it. The Doctor's shirt and trousers - now worn by Porgy of course - shimmered in all sorts of nice reds and yellows for a moment, before returning to their usual color. (The shirt was white, the trousers blue, btw, and the trousers no less figure hugging than the shirt, not that it's important, I just thought my male readers, and one or two of my female readers, might want to know that). "There is no way they'll come off until I get back here, Petty and Odo. We don't want any nonsense going opn while I'm gone, now do we? This is, after all, mainly the Pertwee Dr Who, what."

It was then that Petty and Odo realized that they were more fond of the Tom Baker Doctor (who Odo hadn't ever met, just heard of during this episode). Porgy looked disappointed too, actually.

"I'll see if I can find some melons in the kitchen to complete the disguise," the Doctor said patting his chest affectionately.

Then the Doctor slipped out the door, there having been a banana skin left on the floor by one of the more careless Year Twelves.

With nothing better to do, the three companions went over to peep out the window. Below they saw Doctor Dalek moving slowly across the playing fields, trying to look as much like he was hovering as possible. He appeared to have found some melons, which wobbled and bobbled as he went. Once or twice, he changed his gait to try to look like he was rolling. Nothing worked, so eventually he just kind of shuffled. His eye-rod wobbled precariously, sometimes in rythym with his melons, sometimes not. Then the Doctor reached the line of Year Twelve Daleks. He appeared to have a short conversation with what might have been Janesmith Dalek - it was hard to tell from this distance.

Things semed to be going well, until one of his melons fell out. Which was met with total silent shock by the Year Twelve Daleks. But they were only shocked for a moment.

Faintly there came, "It's the Doctor! Our Mortal Enemy! The Time Lord who we have been trying to kill for about three hundred episodes! Exterimate! Exterminate!"

How dreadful it sounded, sounding as they did like those Daleks from 1965!

With their throats in their mouths, the three companions in the girl's dorm, grabbed each other in a fearful embrace.

"Ock noo, thar Dooktor can't outrun 'em. Not on the flat manicured grass of thart football pitch, anyhoo!"

"He's done for!" Odo wailed. "What about poor Mrs Figg and her ladies, and the Year Twelve girls!"

"How ever will I get undressed again?" Porgy wailed.

Now thats a cliff hanger- the Doctor in peril and one of his temporary companions (Porgy) in dire straits- well for her it is. Brilliant. (But obviously I still disapprove of this strongly!)

I sure hope that Steven Moffat reads this because I think it has some prime material for series seven. Top notch stuff, Bugle. I wish this had been my first exposure to the Doctor. Then I might have been more taken like Petty wishes.

DR WHO AND THE TROLLS

Episode 7


Faintly there came, "It's the Doctor! Our Mortal Enemy! The Time Lord who we have been trying to kill for about three hundred episodes! Exterimate! Exterminate!"

How dreadful it sounded, sounding as they did like those Daleks from 1965!

With their throats in their mouths, the three companions in the girl's dorm, grabbed each other in a fearful embrace.

"Ock noo, thar Dooktor can't outrun 'em. Not on the flat manicured grass of thart football pitch, anyhoo!"

"He's done for!" Odo wailed. "What about poor Mrs Figg and her ladies, and the Year Twelve girls!"

"How ever will I get undressed again?" Porgy wailed.

"Ock! Will ya luke at zat! The Daleks are shooting out laser-beam thingees, but they haven't hit the Dooktor yet."

"Oh how can that happen?" Porgy gasped. "I thought they were most effective sentient killing machines..."

"Aye! Probably the deadliest of all the Dooktor's foes - and 'es got a few."

"Then how is he managing to avoid those deadly rays?" Odo said (who knew all about death rays as he had some Flash Gordon comics under his bed at home, however anachronistic that may seem).

"That's it!" Petty exclaimed proudly. "It's not a trick I've seen for a few episodes... he's dodging and swerving, using karate techniques he used in one of the old series from the 70's. Showed those Unit chaps a few tricks, 'e did!"

"What's that?" Odo mused aloud. "You're saying you can avoid the deadly rays from the most deadly electronic species in the Mutliverse by dodging and swerving? "

"Only in the seventies, mind," Petty corrected him. "They were better shots by the 80's."

"Ooh!" breathed Porgy. "I could never get away from anyone wearing that dress - not once."

"You've been chased by Daleks, Porgy? " Petty asked in disbelief.

"Not --- exactly..."

"Humf?" opined Odo, "The question has always been whether you've ever tried to!"

"Ock the noo! Why wouldna she not run from Dalek's, Odo? Are you mad?"

"I wasn't talking about Daleks, Petty. And don't you think folk would have got the joke by now, anyhow?"

"Ock, that's probably true... Ock! The Dooktor's escaped into bushes on the banks of The Water. Those bushes won't stop the Daleks finding him."

"I don't know, you'd be surprised," Odo informed him sagely.

"We must do something," Porgy yelled out suddenly. "I must get hold of the Doctor's gadget!"

"Pardon?" Odo and Petty asked.

"That thing in his pocket!"

"Pardon?"

"Oh, bother and bewuther you two. Come on. We must go and try and help the doctor."

"I guess we will have to," Petty said with a quiver in his voice.

"But why?"asked Odo, aghast. "Didn't he tell us to stay here until he gets back?"

"What if he never gets back?" Porgy asked crossly.

"Well, there'll be chicken in the kitchen, and buckie, too." Odo said hopefully. "That'll keep us going for at least a few days..."

"You seem to know more about the contents of Our Lady's kitchen than Janesmith does," Porgy accused.

"Well, I do lecture here from time to time... Oh, and there's some Old Winyard in the cellar..."

"Seedcake?"

"No, that would draw this story too far away the Dr Who feel. Everyone assumes that to be Hobbit spoof stuff."

"Never mind that!" Porgy scolded. "We must go after the Doctor. If they laser him to death, I might never get out of these clothes -- and my lovely dress will be full of burn holes to boot! Ruined! It will be ruined!" And she began to cry.

"Alright! Alright!" Odo and Petty squealed, neither of them liking it when girls cried, as tears usually lead to girls sharing their feelings, and no (REAL) male can stand that kind of thing.

So the intrepid companions ran out of the room, avoiding the Doctor's banana skin though, as they had seen him slip out the room earlier and did not like that joke in the first place, it being a bit old hat for a Dr Who episode. (Btw the word 'intrepid' is probably not exactly accurate, but it is a good word, and definitely more 'Who' than 'Hobbit' if you sk me, and one must at least try to be consistent - not suggesting that Who always is, mind, as sometime anomalies do occur; I blame it on newer script writers not paying closer attention, or showing proper respect, to earlier writers. But anyway....)

"We must be very very careful," Petty told them as they made their way down magic stairways and through a series of magic portraits, some of Dawn French dressed as a big fat 19th century woman - or, at least, I think it was the 19th century.

"Our Lady's is not only full of students keen to learn all aspects of both Respectability and Male Serving," Odo explained to them as he lead them by every secret hidden way imaginable. "But there are said to be ghosts, too, and goblins, and wizards of every description, none of them original in any way, of course."

"Ooh you make Our Lady's sound like Hogwarts," cooed Porgy, clapping her hands.

"Hogwarts?" Petty queried. "What the fook is that?"

"It's a school of magic and mimicry I read about on palantir... I'm not sure anyone's put it down on vellum yet in Forumshire."

"It's not a real place, like Middle Eartgh or the Mutliverese is it?" Odo asked.

"Of course not, silly, it's all stitched together from borrowed sources, old stories, myths, legends, the works of Tolkien, and Milne, and Beatrix Potter, and T.H. White, and... well, from every lucrative literary mine the Author could scavenge from..."

"Who the fook is Tolkien, anyhoo?" Petty wanted to know, suspiciously.

"Sounds foreign..." Odo agreed, suspiciously.

"Anyway, shouldn't we be getting on," Porgy said, sounding a bit disgruntled, as I guess most girls would if they had their Potter queried in any way. ( ).

"Alright, if we go through this large barrel..." Odo said, as by now they were in the cellar.

"You do seem to know of a lot of secret doors, Odo," Porgy said, impressed.

"Well, if that fool Frodo hadn't destroyed the Ring, I wouldn't have had to spend half my fortune creating a whole matrix of secret ways to go about my... perfectly legitimate business.. and also prepare for 'troubles'."

"Yeah, that's what everyone in Needlehole think," Porgy agreed. "That Frodo Baggins was a dullard. Why would anyone destroy such a useful piece of jewelery?"

"Fookin' ock nell and the noo!" cried Petty in deepest aghast troubled consternation. "Are you two agog with stupidity!? That Ring needed to be destroyed - or the whole world would have been changed to the ill. Blackness would have taken over."

"Right you are, Petty. What was I thinking," Odo consoled the red faced Scotshobbit. "It's the pressure of these Daleks on me and all. Making me cynical, and all." Behind his hand, Odo whispered to Porgy, "Fookin 'Purists'. They're all the same!"

" " agreed Porgy.

A few minutes later, Odo cautiously opened a door that exited the dormitory building near the girl's toilets. To their great surprise, the Doctor was ther, looking rather hot and flushed.

"How the hell did you find us?" Odo asked.

"A pure coincidence!" the Doctor said in a harried amiable tone. "I'd just taken a pee in these toilets." Petty said, aghast.

"But they're the girl's toilet!"

""Did you expect me to pee against a wall?" the Doctor answered amiably. "But never mind. There were no girls in there. They're all locked up in pens on the Dalek spaceships."

"Ock! What are they like?"

"Very advanced. Thirty Third Century. Laid out with super advanced computers, nano-technologies and other whizbang Dr Who type amazing things, including warp-machines, black hole-penetrators and threadtheory-reactorators... Don't ask me what they do... I only had a few seconds to pop in before the Daleks were after me again."

"On mun, you're joking," Petty said. "I never knew they had anything like that."

"Of course you do, Petty, remember all those times we got captured and placed in the Dalek spacepens?"

"Ock, soory Dooktor. I thort you were torking about the girl's toilets. I have navva been in one, but I assumed they weren't much different to bo'y's toilets."

"No urinals, that's the main difference," Odo told him with some authority.

" I was talking about the Dalek spaceship. It's parked behind the Our Lady glasshouse," said the Doctor in a weary amiable voice.

"We know that now, of course," Odo said.

"Aye," said Petty in a hurt tone.

Just them they heard queer metallic electronic, quite familiar by now, voices, talking on the other side of the toilets.

"How the f*^k did you miss him, TB40?

"He was dodging... crackle...and swerving like nobodies business, NME12.3. Why The Master sent such a ragtail... buzz...bunch of Pre-90's Daleks here I don't know. You're the only Post-90's .. whizzlewhizzzle... model here. But, of course, you weren't there when you might have been useful...crackle...."

"Eegad! That's him there! With those hobbit companions..."

"Hee! Hee... buzz-crackle...! Hee hee! I can't take Hobbits serious.. bizzle... I mean, in Dr Who... Who'da thought it... Hee hee... buzz-crackle-whizzle... My triple A f*^kin' batteries' are goin' flat..."

"You f*^kin' pre-90's Daleks. You're all the same. Why didn't you charge up this morning..."

"Sorry. Slept in. And Janesmith Dalek insisted on all those... whizzlebuzzle... calis-fookin-thenics... Why bother? Who... ping-ping-boing...are were trying to fool anyhow?... whizzlebuggle...."

"Never mind that now! It's the Doctor! We must pay attention, or we'll never kill him. Exterminate! Extermin... Hey! Where the f*^k have they gone now?"

"They keep doing that."

"How come they find a secret door every time we catch 'em cold? "

"Yeah,,, buzz.... whirr... crackle... it's really starting to piss me right off!.... ... buzz-wiggle..."

Another exciting cliff-hanger for Episode 8 over in the new Dr Who and the Trolls thread! Though I admit I had been hoping to see my cameo this time.

I don't think I could stand anoth cliff-hanger, Eldo. This is far too exciting a story for a middleaged portly chap like myself! But this Who is like a drug! I can't seem to stop reading!

THE TALE OF OG THE VIKING GIRL

This is an old and prestigious tale told by the Fjordianlandians about Og the Viking Girl. (Thanks to Orwell for the Original Translation from Old Fjordianlandian, which I have modernized: Anon Author).

Once upon a time - before she was famous - Og was a little girl in Skattykatzenfjord. This was long ago, before girls were banned permanently from that town smeling of herrings. She lived with her widowed Mother, Gunhilda, her father having been invited to the Last Homely House by Ringo Herring the Ninth, and never seen after that. (Ringo said he had gone to sea). So Gunhilda had to bring up the little girl on her own. And, as is often the case in a house without the steadying influence of a strong man, Og grew up very much thinking she could do anything a man could. The trouble in the circumstances was that she could, which put a hell of a strain on Traditional Mores, making the Skattykatzian men feel insecure, which a woman (or girl) should never do, it being against Illuvatar's wishes and the Ten Commandments.

Og would often go out in the streets (unaccompanied by a male guardian), and all the folk would look at her askance as she skipped about.

"Something bad will come of it," said old grumpy Pettyskatz of Grumple Street one day. "Just don't see if it don't, ock."

"Aye!" commented Odosnitzelburger. "Who knows what her life'll turn out like - but it won't be to the good, depending on one's individual perspective."

Porgywittenoxen said, "If all girls wore trousers, jumpers and stout boots like that, we would never have a man open doors for us."

But Og did not care, even though she often heard the village talk. "One day I'll be a great adventurer - even a viking."

Which, of course, was a ridiculous thing to say, for a girl.

One day Orwell McOdo sailed into Herringport on his ship, the Sweet Louise of St Trapeze, a splendid three master. It was the 1st and original Orwell McOdo - not that namby pamby Third one.

Back then, Skattykatzebfjordians looked after their ladies, and so all the men rushed them into hiding. But Og skipped about none the wiser. So when Orwell's fierce blood thirsty girl-child-enslaving hobbits poured into the streets with their cutlasses and hobbit-nets, no ladies could be found, except Og.

Orwell himself stumbled across the girl.

"Hello, handsome lad," he said sternly. "Where have all the ladies been hidden?"

"I don't know, Sir, they were here a minute ago. And, anyhow, I'm a 'girl'."

Well, you could have knocked Orwell down with a feather. "My goodness, you are. You havent got an Adam's apple! But.. well... you're wearing 'boy's' clothes."

"That's because I haven't got a Father and have had to be strong to support my poor Mother."

"But where is your Father, dear child?" Orwell asked, moved against his better judgment by the girl's fearlessness in speaking in front of one such as he, a man mountain.

"He went to sea and never returned," Og answered, striving gallantly to stop tears from welling up in her eyes and sneaking out down her cheeks.

"Oh... I see..." Orwell said, giving the Last Homely House at the top of Skattykatzen Valley a surreptious glance. "But shouldn't you be hiding with the other lasses nonetheless? I mean, I'll be frank, I'm here to take girls to Egypt to join Pharaoh Hatchepsut's harem... Funny kind of guy, actually, but I guess that's neither here nor there..."

"If you try to do that, I'll cut your heart out."

" "

"I will. I'm not afraid of you."

Now, as you'll probably be aware, Orwell McOdo (the First) was the fiercest coldest hearted murderous vicious pirate in Forumshire that ever was or is likely ever to be. But he was amazed by Og's audacity.

"You know, I believe you would," he said with a rueful smile. "But, girl, what am I to do? If folk knew I'd spoken to a mere slip of a girl but did not take her away on my ship, they would call me names like Pussycat or Weakybeaky, or some other hurtful name."

"Well, take me away."

"What? You want me to? "

"Yes, and you can teach me to be a Viking."

"But my expertise in the area of piratism, child."

"I'll make do."

And so Og sailed off with Orwell McOdo (protecting his fierce reputation) and in the fullness of time she became a full fledged viking (and pirate), who never had trouble getting work even though she was a female.

Orwell treated her like his own daughter, and taught her how to sword fight, wrestle, box, and dance the "Viking polka" like a man. But she also grew to be a beautiful woman who wore slinky outfits when the mood was upon her, because just because she had made herself the equal (or superior) of men in so many ways, she saw no reason not to be feminine when she wanted to be.

(Eventually, she enslaved Eldorionblix of Admunholm, and made him her bitch, but that's another story entirely).

There are, of course, many stories about Og, this being but an introduction, and one day, if you are all good, I might tell you some of them. (So long as Orwell helps me do the translations, of course. )

It's great to see you returning, and in top form do, Anon Author! I loved this; Og is great! Though I suppose that bit at the end is what I get for saying you had lapsed.

BUGLE STRIKES

Word has come in that our Staff Fictionist, Anon Author, has struck down Admin Eldo with near fatal derision. Whilst this laudable journal would not normally condone such petty pathetic behavior, in this case we see it as perfectly acceptable given our (Former) Lore Master's disgraceful personal Anti-Anon Author comments.

ALSO

I deny any similarity between myself and that "Lesbo Proudfoot" that Eldorion put in that perfectly ridiculous tale of his - though other characters were more than feasible.

Lesbo Proudfoot
Editor-in-Chief
The Archet Bugle

crikey the anon author is on cracking form today, personally I would have stuffed jellied herring down her socks, and made her walk the plank, but then I am a pseudo-viking too and show no mercy.

Good one, Centurion! Or was that Redhair the Pirate(ess)?



{{{Mmmm... gives me an idea... Perhaps Og needs an evil rival? Bears thinking on.... }}}

ODE TO GENTLE LOVING FISK DAUGHTERS

Oh what a wondrous specimen of fishiness, the Fisk,
Shaped not unlike a grey and green elongated disk,
Serenely he swims in waving motion
in Nordic sea, in frigid ocean.

Of fishies he be the most attractive, yes,
Hobbits have always loved his juicy flesh,
An utter delicacy it is, of course,
Especially with Tartare sauce.

But fishing-hobbits never stop and ask -
As they set the hook and blythely cast
their fishing lines in the waters -
If those fisk have any daughters.

They do, you know, beautiful gentle girls,
with sensual lips and curly curls,
They stay in deep caves,
and are quite well behaved.

And should their Father's not return
from seeking anemones and wriggly worms,
They sit around and sadly pine,
Usually about ten to nine.


"Songs of the Fjordianlandian Fisk Herring" by Urik Hegglespecklecratz.

Channelled by Wisey Banks

{{{ }}}

Oh that was lovely, Wisey! Urik Hegglespecklecratz is one of my favorite authors!

Great story! and poem!

I should have known you Fjordianlandians would be keen on good ol' Urik Hegglespecklecratz. Do you also know this one:


A OBBIT's ODE TO AN HERRING FISK

Oh herring fisk in the seas
off Skattenkratz and Saint Trapeze,
How I wonder what you think
as you swim blythely in Eru's sink;

Your lovely shape doth surely please,
and if you had legs or knees,
I'm sure they'd be shapley too,
A joy to me - and new to you.

Sometimes I sit upon the shore
Reading up on herring lore,
And pining quietly in my heart,
to be but a hobbit, not some work of art.

And when I reach page three thousand, four hundred and twelve,
Straight back to the start I delve,
For the herring fisk is all I need
to live. On your beauty I feed.

Urik Hegglespecklecratz. From his "Blue Mood" period.

Channelled by Wisey Banks

I like

Good to see you back in business again Wisey- even if you do seem to have gone a bit, native with the newcomers {{{{viking raiding party}}}.