what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

yeah ? & I fart diamonds for breakfast !

Asked a mate from North Korea what it was like there. He said he couldn't complain..

I was in church the other day and in the middle of a prayer the lady next to me lit up a fag!
I was so shocked I nearly dropped my beer.

The local paedophile got all his windows smashed last night.

There was stained glass everywhere.

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the water." The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't
care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!

I was talking to a girl in the pub the other night and I said " you remind me of my little toe " she said "is that because I'm small and cute? " I replied " No it's because I'll probably end up banging you on the coffee table "


The missus rang me on my mobile today ranting " Where the hell are you?" I said " Can you remember that jewellery shop we looked in on Saturday? The one that had those earrings you liked in the window?" "Yes" she said in a more cheerful tone. I said "well I'm in the pub next door"

A bloke stands in front of his wife stark bollock naked, apart from wearing a new pair of shoes. He says to his wife "Do you notice anything?" She says "No". He says "Well, my cock is pointing at them". She replies " Oh, a new pair of shoes. Shame you didn't buy a new hat"..

paddy says to mick "xmas is on a friday this year". mick says "lets hope its not on the 13th".

Me and the wife bought a water bed, but had to get rid of it, as it was ruining our relationship.

We were just slowly drifting apart.

Only in an emergency and if I have a straw

I'm going to have to rethink my time machine rental business.

People keep bringing them back a day before they rented them

When I heard they had found a cure for dyslexia, it was music to my arse

Hear about the man with a Trumpet Tree? He didn't like it so he "Root-a-toot toot"

Oh gawd

Well one hot summers day, The Lone Ranger and Tonto were sitting in the cool of a saloon we an old '49'er came in.
"Whos that there horse out there? Big white un?"
"It's mine!" cried The Lone Ranger, worriedly, "whats wrong?"
"Darn things fell over"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rush outside and find Silver lying down panting in the heat.

"Quick Tonto, use your Native Indian running skills and get some water!"
Tonto looked quizzically at The Lone Ranger, and the whole ten steps to the bar, but didn't say anything other than,"Okay Boss". Quick as a flash, he's back out with a big pale of water. They help poor Silver have a drink, which helps, not not enough.
"Tonto, use your Indian Speed and run around Silver, the draught will help cool him down."
"Okay Boss", and off he runs, faster and faster until quite a breeze is going.
"You stay out here for a bit, Tonto, I'll finish my drink"

So The Lone Ranger returns to his seat and finishes off his drink, when a old '69'er* comes in.
"Whos that there horse out there?"
"Mine, What's wrong now?"
"Nothing, ya just left yer injun running.."....

*

A 69'er is just like a 49'er but with more experience.

My ex had 12 nipples. Thinking though, it does sound a bit funny dozen tit?