Peeder Jigson and the Arkenstone of Doom

all names changed to save me from getting my ass sued

Peeder Jigson stretched out on his Emperor sized bed amongst grease stained satin sheets. He twiddled his toes, belched, rubbed his large hairy tummy with one hand while with the other he fiddled with a large jewel. ....Lets call it a jewel.
After he had fiddled some more, rubbing it until it shone, he turned his attention to the many journals, newspaper cuttings and letters strewn about the enormous bed. Flinging a discarded pizza carton onto the floor, he started to read greedily.
His self satisfied grin slowly curdled on his unshaven face. Things were not all rosy love-cakes in paradise it seemed.
He threw his favourite white mug across the room in a fit of rage, it smashed with a loud crash and little shards of unwashed pottery stung his left toe like one of Beorns angry Bees.
He rootled amongst the slimy sheets until he located his mobile phone and punched a number with a jabbing fat finger.
''Get me a lawyer! get me the best, I'm gonna get those pipsqueaks and squeeze their nuts dry'' he shouted.

 I hope those nuts arent under a kilt!

Peeder Jigson was not a happy Hobbit, as he waited for one of his minions to usher in the lawyer he plotted his Revenge, and it was going to be swift and bloody.
There was a timid scratch at the door.
''COME'' shouted Peeder in a two-towering rage.
A small scurrying creature sidled into the hot fuggy master suite. It rubbed its hands and licked its lips in excited fear.
''oh Master I have come, what is your bidding?''
''Hello Torny my oily viscous membrane. I have a job for you''
Torny bowed and scraped, giggled and simpered with glee.
''Its those Forumshirans, those pernicious hounds, those storm crows, those those ..bloggers!'' he spat. '' they dare to doubt, they dare to spread their crabbit over the ethersphere. Call forth my smarmyarmy, call forth the badly cgi-ed wargs of war, unleash the apologists, and rally to my cause!''
''OOOh master how sexy you are when you get all puffed up'' crooned Torny.

 

Bagend. The Shire. sometime later.
''WAKE UP! you lazy Hobbit, the Dwarves are waiting for you at the green Dragon! cried Gandalf
''waaaaa? Peeder rolled over and fell out of the tiny truckle bed and onto the hard stone floor.
''Get UP you foolish Hobbit and RUN!!' urged Gandalf in exasperated tones.
Peeder looked around him astonished, his mouth gaped open and he was genuinely speechless for at least 5 seconds.
Then knowledge dawned on him and he laughed a fruity laugh.
''oh ho! this is GOOD, you guys have been busy bees, hey Ian is this Revenge for the Tennis Balls? ha ha hahahahahahahahaha HA! srsly though where am I? the sets were all dismantled and you know I am TOTALLY over this Hobbit shite, well I was over it two years ago but my wife made me do it hahahahahahaha HA!''
Peeder chortled to himself and staggered to his feet. He was going to KILL that Andy Circus, it was his doing, the little shit.

Sometimes I just want to spend all my days worshipping at your feet, Mrs Figg.

Gandalf looked at Peeder in concern, maybe he shouldnt have pushed the little Hobbit into this Quest, maybe it was all a bit too much, he was wandering in his mind, poor lamb.
Peeder hopped around the boringly familiar room, Bilbo's room, where he had spent so many tiresome days trying to get this turkey to fly. He remembered the frustration of having to sweeten all the bruised egos and smooth all the ruffled feathers of the Actors. he hated them, but had tried his hardest to butter them up with flowers in their trailers and willing make-up girls for the heterosexuals.
''fucking hell Ian'' he said, ''didnt we pay you enough already? what is this craparola, where are we? it was funny for ...oooh.. five minutes but now I have shit to do and an Empire of Marketing to run so toddle off sweety and lets get the fuck outta here, I need to shit''.

 Peeder seems down right nasty   

''My dear Hobbit'' said Gandalf, great gentleness and concern written over his old face, ''just say the word and I shall tell Thorin Oakenshield that you are indisposed, you have forgotten a previous engagement, perhaps tea with your aunt, that cannot be put off?''
Peeder stopped trying to pretend to be amused and turned on Gandalf with all the puffed up rage of a man who can destroy the dreams of children and destroy fond memories of the adults with childlike dreams.
''Listen you Limey fruitcake, I put up with your moaning, and I put up with Orlando Blossoms dicking around, I put up with Armicontagious and his merry band of no marks, I put up with female syncronized fucking menstrating, but THIS is too much, I demand to be let out of this mad hole. I have a meeting with Mr Mac of Mr Mac cheesyburger and salmonella corp and if I dont sink this deal the Happy Meals of third world brats wont be happy NO MORE, cos there WONT be a plastic Bombur inside to lighten the dark drudgery of their existence?''

Gandalf looked at Peeder, and was afraid. Not of Peeder, but for Peeder, he saw Peeder had been corrupted, and it broke his heart. He decided in a flash of inspiration that this Hobbit should go on the Quest, it would do him a world of good, yes an adventure, that would do the trick.
''well my good fellow, you must come along with us, get your belongings packed, let us set forth, an adventure awaits''.
Peeder shrugged, obviously they were all waiting to spring one of those cheesy surprise parties he Always loathed. Better get it over with, it was probably his dumb wifes idea of a joke anyway.

..and so it was that Peeder Jigson began his Great Adventure. Running out of Bagend without so much as a pocket handkerchief.

You're like a female Petty McCracken, Mrs Figg --- only more crabbit...   I reckon if you'd deign to wear a kilt, I could learn to fancy you as much as I do Petty. {{{It's the kilt that really makes the difference with these kinds of feelings!  }}}

  I wear stuff under the kilt not like that Heathen Hebridean Haggis Honker.

This story is awesome    I wonder where his quest will take him.   

Peeder followed Gandalf to the round green door with the Yellow brass knob, fully expecting his fawners and Bottom Wipers to be waiting on the other side ready to SURPRISE! him on the other side.
Imagine his Surprise then when the Surprise didnt meet his gaundiced expectation. He was expecting someone from Wanker Bros film company to be loitering with a little Golden Man in one hand and a glass of bubbly in the other.
What met his bloodshot fat eyes was Landscape, the most stunning rural idyll man and Grey Horse could desire. The grass was verdant and luscious, the sky was a transparent periwinkle blue, there were sweet Autumn smells in the air, and little birds twittered among the Golden Leaves.
Any normal person (or Hobbit) would have sighed a great sigh and rushed arms outstretched to embrace the glad day.
But Peeder stood rooted to the spot and glowered into his eyebrows.
''where the buggering bollocks am I?'' he growled.

I was going to keep my yap shut till I got to the end of this but, I cant ! Im loving it !    Am I reading little subtleties into it ?...GREY horse ? luscious grass ? as a small nod ? Dont care, loving it !   

The Landscape stretched out into the World, distant Mountains shimmered blue, a normal person would have wondered what lay Beyond those Wedgewood blue Hills, what mystery waited with baited breath, what fantastic creatures dwelt in shadowed halls, what joyous singing of the Elves among the stars could pierce the heart and drown one in deep green forests.
But Peeder was Not a normal person. Once he had loved the Elves, once his heart had quickened in Middle Earth. But No More! No More! sad winds whispered in the Hills and dales.
He had become corrupted and twisted by the Dark Arts, he brooded in his tower office, gazing for hours into fell machines, the Red Eye of Epic had taken him over, he had forsaken the Old Ways for new gods, and these gods had filled his mind with a green fog, a strange liking for tennis balls and tormenting of sensitive souls.

Gandalf halted at the door and looked upon this strange overgrown Hobbit with a face all crunched up in rage. He wasnt used to this level of sullen diamond hard bitchiness. This was something new, almost troll-like.
''This isnt New Zealand!'' said Peeder, ''the quality of the light is all wrong, and believe me I know my onions when it comes to faking Northern hemispheres.''
''Come now my dear old friend, this is your beloved Shire, I think you must be tired after last nights affair, those Dwarves are most exhausting fellows, that is true''. said Gandalf frowning down into Peeders face.
''But we must be off, sooner done, sooner mended''.
''How in Azogs Toasting Forks Fuck did I get here?'' howled Peeder to no one in particular.
He kicked a wooden bucket thinking it was a prop, and screamed with pain as his tootsies took a good bruising.

Peeder was getting worried. This place freaked him out, gone were the rumbling Hobbit tour buses, gone the shouty Hobbit tour guides, and the smelly Hobbit Burger vans. All was tranquil and pure.
Little people were tending their gardens, one or two sheep grazed the grass, smoke curled from little chimbleys, a goose flapped its wings by the pond.
''Its late'' cried Gandalf striding ahead his long beard flowing behind him.
Peeder grumbled under his breath, he was half afraid and half curious to know how and why someone had played such a cruel trick. I mean, everybody loved Peeder Jigson, his cuddly persona was a big selling point and he had cultivated it to a fine art. It had of course originally been quite genuine but slowly the cuddlyness had congealed into a superficial crust.
Peeder was out of breath and didnt feel much like talking. Someone was going to pay for this, and pay dearly.
They reached the Green Dragon pub, there it lay next to the village pond, it looked inviting with its meandering slate roof and little heart shaped Windows. A throng of bearded Dwarves were milling about, packing ponies, they stopped their labours and stood staring as Gandalf and Peeder puffed up in a rush.
A very grand Dwarf with a long grey beard a sky blue hood with silver tassel stepped forward to meet them.
''Ah Peeder'', said Gandalf smiling, ''this is our leader, Thorin Oakenshield'' and he swept his hat off in a gallant salute.
''So'' said Thorin in a fine deep voice, ''this is our Burglar?, he doesnt look much like a thief, more like a mediocre flim flam merchant to me''
''How DARE you'' said Peeder outraged. ''I MADE you and I can break you, you dont look like a proper Dwarf either, you are wearing a stoopid hood for a kick-off mate''.
The two Alpha males glared at each other in dislike.
Indeed all the Dwarves were wearing coloured hoods and mighty practical garments they were, they kept you warm in Winter and cool in Summer, and kept the rain out too. They also had no obvious weapons, which Peeder scoffed at. But little did he know that the Dwarves were master craftsmen, they knew not to expose their iron and steel blades to the elements, they knew to keep them safely stowed in oiled rags in leather bags in their backpacks. They knew that large unwieldy weapons in the belt area were likely to get one impaled or at best stabbed when one moved.
But Peeder didnt care for practicality, he wanted shock and awe, and he was about to get more awe than he had ever bargained for.

ha just noticed I put this in the wrong thread. It should be the Creative Corner. sorry   

Eldo can move it there when he gets the chance.   

It rained and it rained. Peeder and the Dwarves were soaked to the skin, not for the first time he wished himself back in that hot tub with Lily Twinklefocher, the actress/singer/whatever.
They trudged past a riuned fortress on a nearby hill, it rose out of the gloom, a few broken Towers pointing accusingly.
''who lives there? he asked a fat Dwarf who was bobbing past on his pony. ''Is it orcs?''
''Dont be silly'' said the Dwarf, ''everyone knows Rangers patrol this part of the Wildlands''.
''yeah but orcs are cool'' said Peeder quietly to himself.

 Little people were tending their gardens, one or two sheep grazed the grass, smoke curled from little chimbleys, a goose flapped its wings by the pond.

I mean, everybody loved Peeder Jigson, his cuddly persona was a big selling point and he had cultivated it to a fine art. It had of course originally been quite genuine but slowly the cuddlyness had congealed into a superficial crust.

''How in Azogs Toasting Forks Fuck did I get here?'' howled Peeder to no one in particular.

Just three samples of what I adore about you, Mrs Figg. (With the 'chimbleys' perhaps the wonderfulest... but how can one really choose! One can't I suspect.   )

... and it takes something very special to draw me away from my Channelling, Mrs Figgs...

This is Brilliant (and slighty scary!) Mrs Figg.

Maybe you and Petty could club together an release an official Forumshire Hobbit book-of the film-of the book to raise Forumshire's profile?  

Just out of interest was Peeder Jigson supposed to be the same as this guy:

 https://twitter.com/PeederJigson

 

I think the chimbleys were Halfies idea, but I stole it.  

oh yeah the Peeder Jigson of legend. loved his videos,  
but mainly its to stop me getting sued for libel   

I wish I had the energy and crabbit into something entertaining, but I'd probably get to p*ssed off having to think that much about the films.

Frankly if Jackson and Co ever stumbled across this place we'd probably all be sued for libel...or being very very rude at least! Poor PJ imagine him crying into his beard...