Based very loosely on They Came to Baghdad

Captain Odo glanced from left to right then dived down a seedy alleyway until he reached a rusty metal door in the brickwork. he turned the handle and stepped into a grey and incredibly dusty hallway. Along the dimly lit hall were grimy glass doors with peeling paint numbers. 1, 2, 3 and so on until he came to the number 7. He took a deep breath and went in. Unfortunately Captain Odo had taken in a large lungfull of the musty dusty air, so a massive wet sneeze propelled him into the room.
The man behind the table lifted his head from the book he was reading and took the measure of Odo. The contrast was great, while Odo had a nervous twitching energy the man sitting behind the desk seemed lethargic and depressed.
''you been at the Cider again?'' laughed Odo.
The man growled slightly and Odo's smile faded about 10%. You didn't mess with Mr Malick apres Cider. It wasn't wise at all. People had disappeared and been found planted head first in cranberry fields for less.
But Captain Odo wasn't wise and that made him a useful spy for her Majesty Queen Tinuviel III.
''I say Malick old chap, is it true?, are the rumours correct..I mean... its so far fetched.'' spluttered Odo.
''If you mean Agent Petty, yes I am afraid it IS'' Malick frowned and if frowns could kill the pigeon happily cooing outside the window would have been KFC'd.
Odo gulped and his smile powered down another .5 %
''you mean he is actually working for King Capaldi and his heinous henchmen?''
''yes'' said Malick darkly, ''you must infiltrate the inner circle and report back, we have an agent in the field who has gone missing, you must recover the agent at all costs, and the BIG SECRET!.''

***
Azriel Lightwater was typing. She hated typing and so made a great many typos much to the annoyance of the Office manager an acidulous bullying woman called Barbara Bentbackwards.
''Lightwater what do you call this piece of rubbish?.'' said Bullying Barbara.
''Its Mr Snodgrass's annual report'' said Azriel meekly.
''But its like reading a very drunk Ancient Egyptian farting spiders'' smirked Barbara, and the other office women smirked with her.
''You seem to find typing a very tiring business, would you like me to bring you a coffee.'' said Barbara smirking some more with added venom.
''oh yes please'' said Azriel. ''No sugar, just a dash of milk.''

Azriel sat on a park bench and ate her ham and cheese sandwich. She had bought it that morning for lunchtime. But lunchtime working at 'Snodgrass Snodgrass and Herpes' would never come again. She had been fired on the spot, got her coat, and walked out, a free woman, into the Autumn sunshine.
All in all it hadn't been such a bad day.

***

We do get a next instalment ?

{{{ 'ang on, how did she know about my spellchecker addiction ? }}}

A shadow fell over the piece of paper Agent Norc was drawing on.
''Oi!'' she shouted, ''stop looming over my fucking....oh its you Agent Ringo.'' she blushed and hastily thrust the dashing portrait of Ringo into her bag.
Ringo smiled and sat next to the still rosy cheeked Agent Norc.
''Get your shit together Norclet we've got orders, we have been ordered to do undercover Ops, but this time its serious. its the Big One, Petty is on the move and we have to keep our peepers peeled.
''oh yawn-de-very-yawn'' said Agent Norc.'' ''its not more squatting in Scottish chimneys with recording equipment?, because you know what happened last time.'' she moaned.
Ringo shuddered, and was thankful he had worn a hat.

***

Azriel Lightwater sat on the park bench and watched the squirrels digging little holes for their nuts, she knew a few people who's nuts she would like to have dug holes for, one of them being Mr Snodgrass and his constant suspicious sniffing. sniff sniff sniff, but she would never have to suffer superfluous nasal snorting again. She was as free as a bird.
The bench lowered as someone sat down beside her.
''hello.'' said the person.
''um hello.'' said Azriel.
it was a rather nice looking person with lots of blonde hair and a Swedish chef accent.
Azriel was immediately smitten.
''I say, that looks like a jolly nice sandwich.'' said the man looking longingly at the sandwich.
''yes it is, would you like a bite?'' said Azriel.
''is it organic pumpernickel and rye with cabbage jus? he said half wonderingly to himself.
''nope its bog standard cheese and pickle.'' said Azriel slightly taken aback.
''oh in that case I will pass. I say look at those huge nuts in those enormous cheeks.''
Two seconds flashed by before Azriel realised he was referring to the squirrels.
that will teach me to read Heat Magazine thought Azriel, bloody Kim Kardashian!
''Sorry to interrupt, you must be getting back to work soon I suppose.'' he said
Azriel explained about Barbara and the fact that she was fancy free.
''you lucky thing'' said the man, ''I have a new job, my boss is sending me to Outer Forumshire to collect geoduck samples.''
''ooh that sounds exciting, when do you leave?'' she said, not wishing to give him the impression she was at all interested.
''today, exactly 4.45pm, I am taking the Forumshire-orient express from Paddington station, and jolly jeepers I had better get my skates on!'' he looked at his watch and rather like a certain magical rabbit ran off down the road at top speed or thereabouts.
''buggering bollocks!'' said Azriel.
I must find a way to get to Outer Forumshire.

{{{Arrrrrrrrgh!!!! You are doing this deliberately arent you Figg? I cant read this yet because this is the book I am currently reading on your recommendation! And whilst I am sure it will be even more enjoyable reading this when I have finished that- it still means until then I cant read this }}}

Bit of a conundrum

I have no idea what this book is you're doing over, Julia, but all I have to say is that it is a deliciously peculiar thing to learn that there is such a thing as a Swedish chef accent... This, of course, is just one of your treats, Julia... Please proceed!

Its They Came to Baghdad by Agatha Christie. But with a soupçon of ruderie and cruderie.

''oh in that case I will pass. I say look at those huge nuts in those enormous cheeks.''
Two seconds flashed by before Azriel realised he was referring to the squirrels.
that will teach me to read Heat Magazine thought Azriel, bloody Kim Kardashian!

Delightful!

And so true

So how did I miss this the first time it came around?