All New Wholesome Tales

The Archet Bugle wrote: "With that settled, I'm off to tend the cranberry harvest. Only thirty acres left"

twenty-six now

THE UPLIFTING TALE OF THE TWO PENGUINS

Now Adam and Eve were the father of Cain and Able, and the great grandson of Cain and Able was Noah, and no one knows exactly how that was accomplished.

One day Eru got a bit tired of Feanor and Morgoth squabbling about the size of their jools and he decided to send a great Forumshiran Flood - which was in extent about the size of the Babylonian Flood, but not quite as large as the one in that other version of the story you may have heard of; but none of those Floods reached Ozhobbitstan which has always been a place pleasing to all of the One Gods.

"Noah!" Eru said in a dream. "Noah! Noah, humble hobbit of Northwest Needlehole! Hey! Wake ye up!"

"What the..?  Oh it's You again, Oh Lord. What's it now, pray tell? Do I have to kill my bastard son, Halfisaac?"

"No, I'll leave that worthy punishment for the tenth (or so) generation. No, Noah, I plan to send a flood of more than moderate proportions that will flood all of Forumshire, except for that Lovely Place we all know I favour."

"Buckland?"

"Now don't you be droll, my Son - unless you want a lightning strike up the Kyber."

"Sorry, Lord. It's just most Forumshirans who aren't Ozhobbits are right jealous of Ozhobbits."    

"That's right, for I made things so. Anyhow, I want you to collect all the creatures of the earth two by two and put them in a great Ark."

"Do you mean a box for scrolls and Commandment Stones and suchlike?"

"No not that kind of Ark, I mean a ship-like Ark."

"It will have be bloody big then!"

"Well, only for the bigger animals. You can factor in tiny compartments for the microbes to save on a cedar tree or two."

"But...."

"Question Me not, my Son... but, here, take this magnifying glass, for am I not a Compassionate God sometimes."

"Thanks."

"And a cattle prod for the Bison and crocodiles and such-like who can get ornery. Rightio, off you get, my Son."

"But is it not the middle of the night, oh Lord!"

"Okay. But no later than first light."

"Bless you Eru."

And so Noah set about next morning collecting all the animals he could - not all of them, of course, because that would be damn near impossible back then when hardly any animals were extinct yet.

Once Noah had coralled all the creatures he could muster, he set out, with his family, to build the largest Ark ever made. It was HUGE.  

Then the Flood came along with a roar like the voice of Eru (for effect, apparently). For days the turbulent waters rose. Then Noah thought one day as he sat on the verandah of his house on the bridge: "Darnabbit! I forgot them penguins."

And Eru boomed from the sky: "Don't be a loon. Penguins can swim."

"Thank goodness... Mmm...? But what shall be done with their cramped compartment in the bilges?"

"Oh I don't know, maybe let in those poor Scotshobbits that betides be hanging like pathetic barnacles from the bilgehole. They do, after all, make the Ark look untidy!"

And so the two last surviving Scotshobbits were let on board, which did upset most of the other animals, excepting the gutter rats who were their cousins (apparently).

The penguins glided along quite happily. It was about Fourty Days (by the Shire Reckoning) before the turbulent waters subsided, for most major events took either fourty days or fourty years in those far off times.

Sounds twisted, sounds sarcastic,full of humour.......................I loved it !

AN ALTERNATE GOSPEL


Pettius Pompous , the Roman Procurator of Judaea, and the Chief Priest, Odious Orwello, were having a rather nice tipple of Old Winyard on the parapet above the sacrifice floor; they sampled, meanwhile, a little bread and smelly cheese from a platter on a slave girl's arched back as she crouched on hand and knees between them.

Pettius was of the Scotsbrittanium Cohort, a scarfaced and hardeyed warrior of many massacres of defenceless children, and Odious a jowly affluence-softened man who had made his way to the top of the Priestly Tree through proceeds from the Temple market.

"I have been hearing more about that Preacher chap again, " Pettius was saying in a serious draconian tone. "Eldo the Uprighteous One, I mean."

"The Uptighteous One, you mean?" Odious asked with pursed lipped uncertainty.

"Just so."

"You must never worry about Him," Odious laughed gaily. "I mean to say: whoever listens to the Uptighteous nowadays?

"Every earnest Jew, Phoenician and Arab, that's who. I really don't think you take this Eldo fellow seriously."

"True. Not in the least. Why would I? It's said he's more Mathematician than Mythmaker, and we know how mythogical mathematics is."

"Not when measuring Roman aqeducts, mind. Mathematics does have it's uses. And trigonmetry is realy interesting if you have an interest..."

"Well, not interesting to folk like me. Jehovah is against things like trigonomemtry. Counting money is okay, but trigonometry?"

"But surely King Halfherod's engineers are using some trigonometry in the Temple renos?

"Oh I wasnt talking about Scared Trigonemetry of course."  

"You religious folks are hard to fathom sometimes..."

"I might say, we don't much care for fathoms either, being land based folk and poor mariners."

"Just so. But as to this Eldo the Uprighteous..."

"'Uptighteous...'"

"Just so. This Eldo anyway, he has been calling for the overthrow of the Roman Occupation. My spies tell me many folk are arming themselves with daggers and calling themselves Sicarii after the name for the said daggers apparently... That can't be good."

"I heard it was licorice."

"What?"

"I heard they were arming themslves with licorice, not daggers, and calling themselve Licoricii."

"Why would they arm themselves with licorice?"

"To assasinate members of my Priesthood is what I heard through my own spies."

"You can't assassinate anyone with licorice!"

"That's why I don't take the threat seriously," Odious said wisely.  

"Oh I see. Well, I guess I can't take this Eldo seriously then..."

"I know I don't."

Suddenly, a Roman guard rushed over to them, red in the face and sweating in the Judaean heat as if he had been running all the way up from the streets of Jerusalem.

"Commander! Ill tidings!" he cried, gasping deeply to get the words out. "The former Chief Priest, Ananus, has just been assassinated!"

"Ock tha noo! How so?" Pettius gasped.

"Strangled with a licorice strap down in the streets of Jerusalem, Sir!"

"Sweet Jehovah!" Odious gasped, draining white.



to be continued....  

'"I heard it was licorice."

"What?"

"I heard they were arming themslves with licorice, not daggers, and calling themselve Licoricii."

"Why would they arm themselves with licorice?"

"To assasinate members of my Priesthood is what I heard through my own spies."

"You can't assassinate anyone with licorice!"

"That's why I don't take the threat seriously," Odious said wisely..............

...... "Commander! Ill tidings!"he cried, gasping deeply to get the words out. "The former Chief Priest, Ananus, has just been assassinated!"

"Ock tha noo! How so?" Pettius gasped.

"Strangled with a licorice strap down in the streets of Jerusalem, Sir!"



Brilliant!

I feared Odious might not be taking the Uptighteous One seriously enough!

The inanity continues!  

Pettius Pompous

but sooo true, methinks.... and to think Eldo thought all this time it was me...

2

Dave was preaching and baptising in the Jordan, and when his followers came up out of the waters they were not only Born Again but fond of cranberries.

Eldo heard what was happening down at the Jordan and he said to his gullible discipiles, Amarie, Blue, Norc and Ringo - who he had picked up on his Fjordianlandian Mission: "Am I a troll, or a bridge, or some outrageuos rewriter of old ridiculous tales?"

"As usual, we have no idea what you are talking about, Master," saith his Fjordianlandian disciples, "but if you're Uptight about it, we are too! We mean, you are the Uptighteous One."

And Eldo became angry. "Get behind me you little bunch of Satans! Uprighteous not Uptighteous. The trouble with you people is you look but don't see, listen but don't hear, and eat all my bread and never one Thank You, thank you very much! What kind of disciples are you anyway?"

"Well, not uptighteous ones, Master" Amarie thought aloud.

"Well nowhere as uptighteous as you, Master," Ringo said thoughtfully.

"No, even Blue isn't as uptight as you Master, and he being a Lawyer," Norc averred.

"That would be Canon Lawyer," Blue snapped. "But I confess it's true enough: uptight, yes, but not ever as uptight as you Master."

"Oh a pestilence on this Race!" Eldo frowned.

"Oh dear, is he Faith Healing now?" Norc exclaimed. "I mean, he does make you think about things - especially the Nature of his character - but is He now a Wonder Worker too?"

"Well, not a Faith Healer, but a Faith Curser just possibly," Blue pondered aloud.

"He is definitely a character," Amarie put in. "Oh my. How he makes my mind boggle."

"A Wonder Worker?" Ringo considered aloud.

"If only He was a She," Norc offered aloud, and somewhat sadly. "Imagine if he was Woman. Just think!"

"He"d be a Wonder Woman in that case," Amarie mentioned aloud. "Hell knows we could do with one hereabouts..."

"Be silent!" Eldo said sternly. "Follow me to the River. I go seek my cousin."

"That'd be Dave the Baptiser," Blue whispered to Norc.

"That Baptiser who smells like cranberries?" Norc whispered back.

"Just so," Blue whispered.

And so betimes they came to the bank of the Jordan where Eldo approached Dave and said: "Dave, baptise me."

"But I'm not good enough to tie the laces of your sandals!"

"Don't be silly, and tell you what, I'll let you can do it after you've baptised me. I am a humble person for all my powers of prophecy..."

"But I just said I'm not good enough... not quite good enough..."

"I say, you are," Eldo said with benign gracefulness.

"But I haven't been taught. That's my point. Maybe I should have said I'm no good at it, perhaps...."

"What? Not good at tying sandal laces?"

"I know how to plant and harvest cranberries but never learned to tie sandal laces. We never wore sandals when I was growing up. No need in the marshes..."

"Anyway," Norc said drily. "Sandals don't have laces."

"That's where you're wrong," Eldo rebuked her ponderously. "This is Judaea not Skattykatzenberg!"

And His disciples fell silent, for Eldo was always coming up with wise sayings like that.

(Blue wrote it down in his notebook for posterity: "This is Judaea not Skattykatzenberg.")

This is probably blasphemy. Especially the second paragraph.

In the Bugle's defence, this gospel is an alternate gospel!

I like where this is going.  I'm sure it's bound to have a happy ending for my namesake.

{{{Who will be Salome though?}}}

Funny you should mention Salome! {{{My Gawd - has he got special powers of prophecy? }}} Actually, Eldo - I have heard from Ol' Anon that he has already decided who Salome is (well, Salami). A very firefoxy kind of woman - I guess folk will guess anyway... but I shouldn't give away too much...

3

Halfherod the Terarch of Gaulinitis or some such tetrarchy was in his banquet hall listening closely to his gorgeous advisor, Forestius the Spyguard.

"He's being saying all manner of things about you and Azrieldias," Forestius was whispering huskilly into his good ear. "You know - about you being a bit too closely related to that buxom harlot of the upper classess, you know, her being your niece and all, and furthermore she already having incestuated your brother (her uncle) Bungophillipus something chronic before he died - or was it how he died?... anyway, he's saying you shouldn't be bonking your niece."

"In my defence, we are married."

"Christian wed?"

"No... no.... I wouldn't know... Christian you say... never heard of...."

"This is a Christian tale. It will all become clear."

"Will it?"

"Apparently. Anyway, he says you shouldn't have bonked that damn hooker..."

"I thought she was a harlot of the upper classes?"

"Just so. Do you want me to kill that baptising bastard?"

"That seems a little harsh. Is he really a bastard?"

"Well, he's being one to you."

"I've heard he's a nice chap. I mean, Dave is a nice name. You know I've always been a fan of King David. David - Dave. Great King - Great Guy. See where I'm going? Anyway, I think we need to think more about it. Mustn't be hasty."

"Sure thing. Be an Ent about it."

"I'm not being an Ent about it."

"You did say that you mustn't be hasty."

"Are you implying I'm not like my father Herod the Absolute Bastard. He'd arrest people on the sniff of an oily rag you know. I can do it too. Alright, go and arrest him and bring him to Macherus - or whatever this stronghold is called! I intend to have some intense conversations with him."

"Yes, Sir," Forestius answered dutifully and was gone.  


*                  *                   *


"I've had some pretty intense conversations with Dave the Baptiser in the dungeons," Halfherod was telling his wife Azrieldias about an hour later in their bower.

"And so are you going to kill him for calling us damnable incestuators?" Azrieldias growled.

"Well, he didn't actually call us damnable incestuators, darling..."

"That's so typical of you!" Azrieldias cried out in sheer chagrin and immediatly put her tempting breasts away and went off to find someone with even more tempting breasts. (Less saggy younger ones, if you know what I mean, dear reader).



*           *       *


"Now Salami," Azrieldias was saying to her beautiful red headed daughter a few minutes later in her daughters Art Restoration Bower. "I want you to perform a lewd dance for Halfherod tonight at the banquet and when he asks you what you want in return, I want you to say you want the head of Dave the Baptiser."

"Can't I just go down to the dungeons and get Dave to put it through the bars..."

"Hey? What! Oh no,  no, no.... I don't want you to give him head, I want you to ask Halfherod to..."

"Oh I see!" Salami giggled and clapped her hands. "You want me to ask Halfherod to give Dave the Baptiser head. Probably best that way, as I know where Dave's been and the Jordan isn't the least polluted river in the Middle East you know."

"Darling, I will say this slowly. I... want.. you...to..ask..Herod...for...Dave's...head... Now before you say anything else, I mean you to ask for his cut-off head on a platter."

"That doesn't sound very nice, Mother!"

"It's not - but Dave started it by calling me a harlot of the upper classes."

"But Mother..."

"Yes we both know it's true, but it's the principle... Now - 8.30pm... The banquet hall. And make sure you dance up really really close to him and have your tempting breasts fall out just so..."  And Azrielduias showed her how. "Make sure they fall out - just so..." And Azrieldias showed her again.  

"Well, Mummy," Salami averred with some impatience. "It'll hardly be a lewd dance if they don't!"

We're here, in our own little world &, the outside world knows nothing of whats going on !!

Salome ... salami ... red ... firefoxy ... red hair ... it all makes sense. What a genius you are, Anon!

azriel wrote: We're here, in our own little world &, the outside world knows nothing of whats going on !!

Which may be just as well for Ol' Anon. I don't know if I'm reading things as you do, but he sure seems to take some liberties. Luckily, all the characters are fictional (he tells me) and based on no real Forumshirans.

Eldorion wrote:Salome ... salami ... red ... firefoxy ... red hair ... it all makes sense.  What a genius you are, Anon!

I have some doubts about Ol' Anon's genius, Eldo. Not deep doubts, just some polite humble-seeming doubt (on his behalf).

4


Eldo and his Four Disciples were staying in a village just south of Nazareth, breaking bread in the house of one Cephas (a sausage maker), a man keen to hear all of Eldo the Uprighteous' wise words, and any others he might have.  

"Some as say Halfherod suspects him to be one of Eldo's Licoricii," Norc was saying in hushed tones. "So Halfherod sent his soldiers and arrested him while he was giving a fallen woman a thorough washing."

"He was baptising her in the Jordan, actually, is what I heard," Blue put in politely when he saw Eldo's eyebrows rising querulously.

"Dave? Licoricii? I'm not sure he even likes licorice. I never thought to ask," Eldo thought loudly. "And surely he'd find a more bucolic way of killing people if he wanted to anyway. Some rural method. And he wouldn't kill anyone anyway. Except if he really really didn't like them much. No - it was because Dave called Azrieldias a upper class harlot. I've heard she hates that kind of language, preferring the term 'King's Servicer', I believe. I fear he is in the deepest of trouble."

"Deepest shit, I heard," said Norc. "Apparently, Azrieldias's daughter, Salami, is going to do a lewd dance tonight and then ask for Dave's head on a platter. I only hope they cook it first."

"Cook it?" was Eldo's surprised articulation.

"Well, I hope she doesn't intend to eat it raw. That'd be cannibalism."

"It would be cannibalism whether it's cooked or raw, truth be known," Blue put in helpfully.

"Stop being pedantic," Norc scolded him.

"Now you two, enough of your talk about what cannibalism is or isn't," Eldo said wisely. "I think our time would be better spent thinking of a way to rescue Dave from Halfherod's clutches."  

"What do you suggest, Master?" Amarie asked, as she had not said anything for awhile and to let everyone know she was still in the story, if only as a minor character, however voluptuous, not that that comes into the story, not yet.

"Oooh look over there!" Norc squealed suddenly.

They all looked. And believe it or not, Jesus of Nazareth was walking along the way chatting to a Samaritan. He looked like a very nice Samaritan. A very good Samaritan, to judge from his kind expression. Eldo and his four disciples stepped off the road to let them pass, as that was only manners.

"You know, I've heard so much about him," Eldo exclaimed excitedly when The Lord had passed out of earshot. "But I never thought I'd actually ever see him, not in this life nor the next."

"Did you hear what he was saying to that Samaritan?" Amarie asked excitedly.

"No," the others all answered, their ears now pricking.

"He said: 'Good Samaritans have got a better chance of climbing through the eye of a needle than a camel does.'"  

"Did he really?" they all asked excitedly.

"Something like that. I was so in awe at seeing him I wasn't really taking it in!"

"I'm writing it down," Blue said excitedly.

And he did.

And then Ringo asked Amarie: "Did The Lord mention what kind of needle it was at all because dressmakers have various types I've heard; I'm not sure, but I think it might be important."

"No, he didn't," Amarie said and burst into tears. "Why didn't I think to politely ask him as he passed? Now we'll never know."

And they never did.

Orwell wrote:

azriel wrote: We're here, in our own little world &, the outside world knows nothing of whats going on !!

Which may be just as well for Ol' Anon. I don't know if I'm reading things as you do, but he sure seems to take some liberties. Luckily, all the characters are fictional (he tells me) and based on no real Forumshirans.    

Well phew thats a relief !! I was beginning to think some of the characters felt familiar ? but if Ol'Anon says its ok then ok it is !