WHOLESOME TALES

Mrs Figg wrote:Davidee of Bombadillo.

Just saw these. Not a bad likeness. Thank you!

You definitely captured Petty,
Amarie's corset looks uncomfortably tight....

But most importantly, Where's Julia?

I imagine Amarie just that way now -- though I think my eyesight is worse than I thought.. Can't see a thing through those diaphonous clothes...

Dave I think Julia/Ally/Norc are on page 59, waaaaaaaay back on the Quest, when SOMEONE was writing it.

haven't read the lates entry.. but no point if were forgotten

Mrs Figg wrote:Dave I think Julia/Ally/Norc are on page 59, waaaaaaaay back on the Quest, when SOMEONE was writing it.

Ooh, does that mean there's a picture of me back there too?

Mrs Figg wrote:Eldo the Everr-eady with clean handkerchiefs and stuff.

..........wat.

I think I might need to read this story in its entirely.

you are pretty whiney in it and I'm pretty erm.. arguing.. and erm.. sweary (I haven't been that sweary here for people to have noticed it... well then.. I should make up for it )

I would if I were you Eldo, you may need a Counter-Calumny later in Needlehole. (((((knowing Orwell)))))))

hey, if power is off.. you could always write..

I want to know where Amarie is... Awfully quiet lately. I hope she's not drownded!

well.. i dunno.. work perhaps or sleeping, you're on the wrong side of midnight you know.

I thought she said she was away somewhere for a bit? Another exciting adventure no doubt. {{{Which is of course merely cover for her nefarious Dark PLanet activities}}}}

Chapter Six
Amarie Runs Around Starkers in a hoary Old Forest

Amarie was in a real tiz, for the sun was shining through cracks in the leaves overanging the stream bed, and the grass and mosses between her toes were stimulating, and a warm breeze caressed her in parts that were parts that usually did not get caressed (by breezes), and yet while these tactile pleasures sought to enswoon her, the thought of her comrades being crushed and drownded and sucked to death definitely gave her cause for concern, thus her state of tizziness - or what's known as 'divertification of mind' in the Psychology Manuals she studied at Savartanfartan Senior back in 1311 (Forumshire Reckoning). Back before she was married and bore her robust - if somewhat cheeky - children. Indeed, back when playing hopscotch with her little friend Gertrude Stein was just about all the titillation she could handle without actually blushing.

"I'm running around like an abandoned young girl!" she cried, half in pleasure and half in horror. "Like when I watched 'The Parent Trap' as an impressionable child."

Then she heard the most unexpected singing with most unexpected lyrics. Down between the narrow confines of the stream banks came a jolly throaty voice, both earthy and lilting, baritone, bass, tenor and sombrero, and if not both, at least two of them.

"Hi Chris take the piss
Take the piss me Misso,
Here's Chris lick my wick
Hi ho the kisso!
Look at me boots
I root in boots
Boots for tootin' rootin',
Hi hi Goldie-toot
Will your woom be fruitin'?"

"My goodness!" Amarie cried. "That sounds like Tom Bombadill only different!"

But she was not afraid anymore, for the voice sounded very safe and friendly, and under it lay a layer of strength, power and natural eroticism - sorry, 'exoticism', which had a desirous effect in her insides. (Yes, sort of hard to explain, but if I said 'The Anglo-Ozhobbittstani Effect on Women', some here might undertstand).

"Help! Help!" Amarie cried out hopefully in hopefulness. "I am running around in this hoary Old Forest without a stitch on in the midst of of my fully mature sexulaity and rotundness which should not be confused anymore but is!"

"Twiggy-wig wiggy-twig
Are all the twigs gone wiggy?
Ho fig and niggy-pig
Are the twiggies gone all diggy?
Chris Ho derry-do
and merry-o me booties
bright yellow are my boots
and my pendulums are beauties!"

And then a most astonishing figure came skiping out of some tall rushes. It was Chris. Imagine that! - and you'll just have to. He had a bright white feather in his felt cap.

"Steady on! Steady on!" says Old Chris. "My what a tiz you are in little woman! What's up then? ... little naked woman.... "

"Oh you must help me... All my friends are being variously killed by an enormous Willow Tree!"

"What! The filthy old pervert! We'll needs fix that immeditely." And off old Chris bounded in his bright yellow boots down the stream bed.

"Hey ho you dirty willow
I'll push your face in the pillow
Then you'll know what's for what
Hi ho I'm Chris Prongthadildo!"

And soon Chris had disappeared out of sight. Amarie followed as quickly as she could, but she was hot and totally fagged, by no means in a satisfied way, and her feet dragged and lingered. And so, by the time she got back to that perverse old willow tree, Chris had rescued all her comrades. They were even now following Chris up a narrow white path out of the stream bed.

"Wait for me!" Amarie called after them in a weak voice.

Down to her from her retreating comrades came snatches of joyous singing...

"... gayo... homo... lesbo... dildo..."

Amarie picked up her pace for all her weariness. She did not want to be left behind, nor did she want to miss out on anything.

And Old Man Willow stood, a vast brooding shadow, with his roots dipping in the ancient waters of the Withywindywilly, quite surprised to find out Tom even had a little brother.

'Here's Chris lick my wick'

'I'll push your face in the pillow
Then you'll know what's for what
Hi ho I'm Chris Prongthadildo!"

Hurrah for Chris Bombadildo, thats class that is!

finally some more tales from the Quest

Actually, it is Chris Bombadildo, Mrs Figg, or so Anon tells me. I think you and Anon have a lot in common... Maybe Anon is your Evil Twin?

Figgy - How did you know about my gender reassignment? And where did you get pictures of me from? They were in the deepest, darkest corners of my highly virus/spyware/malware infected old P.C. (which is now kaputt!!) but now I seem to help populate page 60!!

I like the HINT of saucyness in this,

Lance its not my fault. Its the writer of the Archet Bugle, its him, all him. when he finally continues on the Quest, feel free to have words. He made me stroppy?!!! I mean whoodathunk it?

And me a drunken buffoon! Why the cheek!

Those media types do seem to have very low moral standards. But I did think you were more cultured than to get caught up in the mob mentality and post pictures... it was unsubstantiated rumour until then.

You would never catch someone as sophisticated as me doing that what with my well to do South East Essex upbringing.... Azriel knows what I'm talking about.

Dear Mr Bugle... I hope that in all this I either become a hero in the story or die a particularly noteworthy death. For any ideas regarding how an essex boy racer would behave in such as situation, may I refer you to the following sources:

http://www.katieprice.co.uk/
http://www.itv.com/essex/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vVRtDArTPz4
http://www.chavtowns.co.uk/2004/12/southend-on-sea-the-place-to-be/

I hope this is of use to you.

Yours,

Lancebloke

Some shit, some fantastic - enjoy.

1.What is the difference between a walrus and an Essex girl? One is wet, has a moustache and smells of fish - the other is a walrus!
2.What's the difference between an Essex man & an Essex girl? The Essex girl has a higher sperm count!
3.What does an Essex girl say after having sex? What team do you guys play for?
4.What's the difference between Gorbachev and an Essex girl? Gorby knows the names of the eight people that f***ed him!
5.What do Essex girls use for protection during sex? Bus shelters.
6.How does an Essex girl turn the light out after sex? She shuts the Cortina's door.
7.How do you make an Essex girl's eyes sparkle? Shine a torch into her ear.
8.How can you tell if an Essex girl is having a bad day? Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
9.Why does an Essex girl wear knickers? To keep her ankles warm.
10.What's the difference between an Essex girl and an ironing board? Occasionally you have trouble getting the legs apart on an ironing board.
11. Whats the difference between an Essex girl and the titanic? You know how many men went down on the titanic.
12.What is the difference between a supermarket trolley and an Essex girl? A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
13.Why is an Essex girl like an old washing machine? They both drip when f***ed.
14.Why do Essex girls use tampons with long strings? So the crabs can go bungy jumping
15.How do you know when an Essex girl has had an orgasm? She drops her bag of chips.
16.What did an Essex girl and President Gorbachev have in common? They both got f***ed by eight men while on holiday.
17.How many Essex girls does it take to make a chocolate chip cookie? Five, one to stir the mixture and four to peel the smarties.
18.What's the similarity between an Essex girl and a dog's turd? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up!
19.What's the difference between an Essex girl and a washing machine? You can dump your load in a washing machine without it following you around whining for a week.
20.Why are Essex girls only allowed 30-minute lunch breaks? It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.
21.What's the similarity between Essex girls and carpenters? They both have saws in their boxes
22.What did the Essex girl say after the doctor told her she was pregnant? Is it mine?
23.Why was the Essex girl so pleased to complete a jigsaw puzzle in 18 months? Because it said on the box "From 2 to 5 years".
24.How do you make an Essex girl laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.
25.What's the difference between an Essex girl and a fridge? A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out.
26.When does an Essex girl drool? When she's full.
27.How do you tell when an Essex girl is having her period? She's only wearing one Sock.
28.What does the label in an Essex girl's knickers say? NEXT!
29.What's the similarity between Robert Maxwell and Essex girls? They both go down in Tenerife.
30.Why do Essex girls wear green lipstick? Red means stop.
31.Why is it good to have an Essex girl passenger? You can park in the handicapped spaces.
32.Why do Essex girls wear so much hair spray? So they can catch some of the things going straight over their heads.
33.Why do Essex girls wear hoop earrings? So they'll have someplace to rest their ankles.
34.If an Essex girl and a Surrey girl jump out of an airplane at the same time, which one would hit the ground first? The surrey girl, the Essex girl would have to stop to ask directions.
35.What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent Essex girl? There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.
36.What does it mean if you see an Essex girl with square boobs? She forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.
37.Why do Essex girls like tilt steering wheels? More head room.
38.What do you call 6 Essex girls in a row? A wind tunnel.
39.What do you call a Surrey girl between 2 Essex girls? An Interpreter.
40.What's the first thing an Essex girl does in the morning? Goes home.
41.What's the mating call of an Essex girl? Gosh, I'm so drunk.
42.What's the mating call of a Surrey girl? Are all the Essex girls gone?
43.What do Essex girls and computers have in common? You don't know what you are missing until they go down on you.
44.What is the difference between an Essex girl and a cream egg? It costs 25p to lick out a cream egg.
45.Why is an Essex girl like a beer bottle? They're both empty from the neck up.
46.What do you call an Essex girl with half a brain? Gifted.
47.Why do Essex girls have to work 7 days a week? So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
48.What do you say to an Essex girl who wont give in? Have another drink.
49.What's an Essex girls favourite wine? I want to go to Lakeside
50.What do you call an Essex girl with a pound coin on the top of her head? All you can eat, under a quid.
51.Why do Essex girls wash their hair in the sink? That's where you wash vegetables.
52.How do you get an Essex girl to marry you? Tell her she's pregnant.
53.Why did the Essex girl climb over the glass wall? To see what was on the other side.
54.What do you see when you peer into an Essex girls eyes? The back of her head.
55.What's the difference between an Essex girl and a Porsche? You don't lend the Porsche out to your friends.
56.What do you do if an Essex girl throws a grenade at you? Catch it, pull out the pin and throw it back.
57.Why did the Essex girl stop using the pill? It kept falling out.
58.Why don't Essex girls use vibrators? They chip their teeth.
59.Why do Essex girls have trouble reaching orgasm? Who cares?
60.What's the difference between an Essex girl and a limousine ? Not everyones been in a limo.

61.How does an Essex girl interpret 6.9? 69 interrupted by a period.
62.How do you brainwash an Essex girl? Give her a douche and shake her upside-down.
63.What do you call 15 Essex girls in a ring? A dope ring.
64.Why did the Essex girl go halfway to Norway then turn round & come home? It took her that long to figure out a 14 inch Viking was a TV set.
65.What's the difference between an Essex girl and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
66.What is the worst thing about having sex with an Essex girl? The bucket seats.
67.What do Essex girls do for foreplay? Remove their underwear.
68.What did the Essex girl name her pet zebra? Spot.
69.Why did the Essex girl drown? Someone stuck a scratch & sniff at the bottom of the pool.
70.What do you call a fly buzzing around an Essex girl's head? A space invader.
71.Why did the Essex girl have a bruised navel? Her boyfriend's from Essex too.
72.Why did God create Essex girls? Because sheep can't fetch beer from the fridge.
73.How do you amuse an Essex girl for hours? Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
74.How can you tell if an Essex girl has been in your fridge? By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
75.How do you know which computer an Essex girl was using? By the tippex on the screen.
76.What did the Essex girl customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag)? "'Debbie'.... That
,s cute, what did you name the other one?".
77.Why is an Essex girl like a doorknob? Because everybody gets a turn.
78.Why is an Essex girl like railway tracks? Because she's been laid all over the country.
79.What's the difference between an Essex girl and a phone booth? You need 10p to use the phone.
80.How does an Essex girl commit suicide? She gathers all her clothes into a pile, and jumps off.
81.How do Essex girl brain cells die? Alone.
82.Why didn't the Essex girl want a window seat on the plane? She'd just blow dried her hair and didn't want it blown around too much.
83.Why do Essex girl prefer cars with sunroofs? More leg room.
84.Why do Essex girls have orgasms? So they know when to stop having sex.
85.What did the Essex girl's mum say to her before her date? "If you're
not in bed by 12, come home".
86.Why don't Essex girls breast-feed their babies? Because it's too painful to boil the nipples.
87.Why are Essex girls like Cornflakes? Because they're simple, easy and taste good.
88.Where do Essex girls go to meet their relatives? The vegetable patch.
89.Why was the Essex girl disappointed when she received her driver's license? Because she got an F in sex.
90.How did the Essex girl break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
91.What do you call an Essex girl behind a steering wheel? An air bag.
92.Why don't Essex girls have elevator jobs? They can't remember the route.
93.How do you change an Essex girl's mind? Blow in her ear.
94.What can strike an Essex girl without her even knowing it? A thought.
95.What do you call a basement full of Essex girls? A whine cellar.
96.What do you call an Essex girl skeleton in the closet? Last years hide-and-seek champ.
97.What do you call an Essex girl with 2 brain cells? Pregnant.
98.What do you call an Essex girl between 2 Surrey girls? A mental block.
99.How do you confuse an Essex girl? You don't, they're born that way.

I really must visit this Essex place sometime.

I'm so proud!

Only happy to help Lancebloke. Cant let the "Essex" reputation dwindle can we ?

And so "Sussex" isnt left out....Fred and Steve sitting around one afternoon having a beer. After a while Steve says, "If I were to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you were off darting, she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
Fred crooked his head sideways for a minute, stroked his bow and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally he says, "Well, I don’t know about being related, but it would make us even!!"