Boobies and other cock-ups

 









DI Eldo, despite his many professional personal traits, had never been a morning person. He was a complete zombie in the morning and didn’t quite wake up until his fifth cup of coffee was injected into his blood at his office around lunch time. It was no different this fateful morning. Guttural noises emerged from under the covers as the alarm went off at 6.00 am. A slender hand fumbled about and threw the damn thing across the room. Several other primeval grunts and yawns were uttered before the zombie unveiled itself. Blond hair everywhere, a bird’s nest. It had been a terrible night’s sleep; a gruesome storm had been hammering outside. Almost on all four Eldo crawled into the bathroom. It was around this time a feeling that not everything was hanging where it should. Scratching his head and yawning the zombie started on the difficult task of getting out of sleepwear. A shower would wake up the cells required to get dressed, eat breakfast and go to work. Eldo felt front heavy and nauseous while doing so, wondering if the face was as grey as it felt. It was then, looking in the mirror, that the full reality of his problems fell down over his head like a million ice cubes. Eyes wide, didn’t quite know where to look… “oh dear lord” a thin voice said, not his own, yet it was… “I..I…” Eldo looked down. “BOOBIES?!”


to be continued....

i realized how much i missed writing light-hearted mad-cap needlehole, so here you go. my next project.

Why am I afraid to read the next installment?

“I have boobs?!” She felt cold and numb. What the hell was going on? Was this some sort of bad dream? Eldo looked in the mirror again. Nope. Boobs. Long blond hair. Slim body. Hips. T-shirt in one hand and wearing briefs. “Oh no!” She grabbed her crotch (in a very un-ladylike manner)… “My dick!? Where’s my dick!” Her voice was now just a high pitch shriek. “OH MY GOD! WHAT IS GOING ON!? WHERE’S MY DICK! I AM A WOMAN!?” She started to sweat, pulse at it like a rabbit. “I can’t breathe.. I’m having a panic attack.” White dots began to swim before her eyes, she felt dizzy. “Ringo..help” and then it all went black.

“Are you alright, Eldo?” a female voice far away asked. Eldo opened her eyes slightly… hovering above was a rather busty woman, dark curls framing her face. “no” Eldo answered… “My dick is gone..” She started hulking. “I’m a she goddammit!”  
“Whatever are you talking about Eldo?” She sat up, looked at the dark haired woman in front of her. “I am quite possibly certain,” Eldo started “that I was a man yesterday.” The other woman started laughing. She had dimples and space between her two front teeth. There was something oddly familiar with her.
“Ringo? Is that you?”
“My name is Ringo, yes.” She smiled. “and you have always been a woman, Eldo.” She poked Eldo’s boob. “Great tits, by the way, not too big, not too small”
“No.” Eldo stood up. “You’re Ringo, and you were a man yesterday too.” Ringo ignored her, just continued with boob-talk (“mine are a bit too big… well.. no they’re perfect.”)
“Ringo shut up and listen to me” Eldo grabbed her face. “Look me in they eyes and say you weren’t a man only yesterday, cock and chest hair and everything!” Was she going mad? Had she always been a woman. Eldo kept staring into those nutty brown eyes she knew so well. What was going on? Suddenly Ringo’s face cracked up in a wide smile and she started laughing.
“Sorry, Eldo. I woke up like this too.”
“SO YOU TOO WERE A MAN YESTERDAY?”
“yes.”
“THIS ISN’T JUST A BAD DREAM?”
“certain it’s not a dream, don’t know about bad though.”
“SO YOU HAD A DICK YESTERDAY?”
“yes, I can clearly remember playing with it.”
“WHA-WHY-WH-WHY DID YOU PLAY WITH MY HEAD LIKE THAT?!”
Ringo grabbed Eldo’s wrists and pulled them both up.
“I heard you found out and I couldn’t help it. Breakfast?” Eldo watched in amazement as her friend turned to the stairs.
“How can you act like this is the most normal thing in the world? OUR DICKS ARE GONE!” Eldo felt like on the brink of crying. Again.
“Relax, Eldo. I have spent all morning since like 4 fumbling my boobies and contemplating just why I woke up a woman. I have a tiny idea what may have caused it.. but panicking doesn’t help.”
“and breakfast will?”
“no, but you’ll feel better.” Eldo nodded, she had to agree with that. She looked down… her boobs were great now that Ringo mentioned it. So soft. And bouncy. Like little cushions.
“oh and Eldo” Ringo poked her head up the stairs. “You might want to get dressed.. or else you won’t get shit done.”

For some unexplainable reason, Eldo found her closet filled with women’s wear. Lot’s of classy shirts, conservative bras and pencil skirts. She didn’t quite know where to begin.

halfwise wrote:Why am I afraid to read the next installment?

(sorry but not sorry)

It's like... Forumshire soft porn.

no. no porn. bodies are not porn. what sick mind you have. bodies are just bodies. this is just awkward fun and a dive into gender roles. sort of. no porn. (sorry).

“you said you had an idea of what caused this..this.. these” Eldo said and grabbed her boobs to make her point clear. “Oh for God’s sake, stop that, Eldo. Have you ever seen a woman going around groping herself? Get over yourself” It may have sounded angry, but that familiar Ringo grin was still there. Eldo threw a slice of cheese at her. “shut it, as if you haven’t admired yourself in the mirror for hours!”. Ringo sniggered “I have”.
“but your tiny idea, then?”
“well..” Ringo frowned. “you remember that case with the cat?”
“yes, the bathtubs and all that.”
“Remember we went out for a drink afterwards? Even though it was early afternoon?”
“yes, I had that terrible hangover.”
“but you do remember Nora suggesting we get absolutely hammered?”
“yes, that I vaguely remember… it’s all a blur after that I’m afraid..” Eldo tried to think, but she had had a lot of alcohol yesterday.
“Well, then you might not remember that Nora also suggested we steel beverage from Azriel’s private brewery. You know that unsavoury sort that no one quite knows if is legal or not.”
“Oh dear lord Eru, did we drink that?” Eldo was shocked. He had heard story of her “wine”. It went under many names; Midnight Moonshine was the most common. “And I can’t remember how it tasted” she sulked and banged her head in the table.
“that’s not the point. (it was really good though).” Ringo gave her a little pat on the head. “the point is that we got into a debate on society and gender roles. And Nora being Nora and you being you and me being me, it ended up quite heated…” Eldo screwed up her face trying to make the connection and then it hit her.
“OH!” she pointed at Ringo. “And we all know that Azriel doesn’t just do brews! She’s also quite a clever witch! Everyone knows that! OMG! But.. how? Why?”
“Quite right, Eldo. I haven’t gotten any further than that, I have no idea what the motives behind this is… but there is a connection. Definitely!”
“so…” Eldo took a sip of tea. “should we call Nora and warn her?”
“Do you think she’s changed gender too?”
"maybe everyone's changed?"
…

hee hee I like the novel idea of swapping bodies, well done Norc
Ha, they are grinning now, you wait till they get their monthly's !

I go all wibbly wobbly when Im included in a story, Thank you Norc

This is interesting. Do go on.

Norc wrote:no. no porn. bodies are not porn. what sick mind you have. bodies are just bodies. this is just awkward fun and a dive into gender roles. sort of. no porn. (sorry).

Well if you really want to get into the details of this, then you could say that, if bodies are just awkward fun, then it kind of follows that human sexuality (freed of "taboos") is just a fun and personal part of life. If one were to approach the idea of writing something for the fun of exploring the body, including the bodies' propensity towards sexual arousal in certain situations (like joking about how Ringo won't be able to stop messing about unless he puts some clothes on!), but also for the sake of playfully creating a slightly-aroused state in the reader, then one could technically define such writing as a type of "pornography" (from the Greek porn, prostitute, and graph, to write), which is defined as the portrayal of sexual material for the sake of sexual arousal.

The intent here is clearly just to have fun, as you said, even though the writing involves sexual elements.

In any case, I'm sure nothing mean was meant by saying that I had a sick mind (it's rather inconsistent to say that bodies are just bodies, but if something strikes someone as erotic they have a sick mind.) I should have simply said that it reminded me of a silly version of erotic writing. Perhaps "porn" was a bit offensive. Well whichever, moving on.

My worry is, with Orwell we'd know where this was heading (jelly baths and such). With Norc I haven't the foggiest. I'm gonna get the sofa ready just in case.

Forest Shepherd wrote:

Norc wrote:no. no porn. bodies are not porn. what sick mind you have. bodies are just bodies. this is just awkward fun and a dive into gender roles. sort of. no porn. (sorry).

Well if you really want to get into the details of this, then you could say that, if bodies are just awkward fun, then it kind of follows that human sexuality (freed of "taboos") is just a fun and personal part of life. If one were to approach the idea of writing something for the fun of exploring the body, including the bodies' propensity towards sexual arousal in certain situations (like joking about how Ringo won't be able to stop messing about unless he puts some clothes on!), but also for the sake of playfully creating a slightly-aroused state in the reader, then one could technically define such writing as a type of "pornography" (from the Greek porn, prostitute, and graph, to write), which is defined as the portrayal of sexual material for the sake of sexual arousal.

The intent here is clearly just to have fun, as you said, even though the writing involves sexual elements.

In any case, I'm sure nothing mean was meant by saying that I had a sick mind (it's rather inconsistent to say that bodies are just bodies, but if something strikes someone as erotic they have a sick mind.) I should have simply said that it reminded me of a silly version of erotic writing. Perhaps "porn" was a bit offensive. Well whichever, moving on.

I will repeat what i just said. Bodies are not porn, even a naked at that is not porn. You shower naked, are you part of a porn then? I admit that the whole body swap has a sexual element to it, but to say it is porn i think is a bit far fetched. You point out that pornography is "defined as the portrayal of sexual material for the sake of sexual arousal". This was not my intent and i am sorry if it arouse you. The only reason i can see for it to have a sexual element is the simple reason that we normally define gender by vagina/penis. You can have lots of fun with either, but you also use both part to pee (well, not directly the vagina) and there is arguably nothing sexy about peeing. It's just a normal bodily function. 

My intent (if it wasn't clear) for this body swap is not to arouse or sexualize the human body, but to explore the differences between the sexes. Both in big worldly matters but also everyday challenges. It's a mental thought experiment, nothing sexual. What is the expression again, "in my shoes"? something along those lines, at least. As i said the only sexual bit is mainly due to how we define the sexes. 

I am not sure what you mean by me saying bodies are just bodies is inconsistent. I may have been a bit harsh on you saying you have a sick mind, but if you classify this as porn, then you have a very sexualized view on bodies in general as these characters are in no way in any sexual setting. They're doing everyday things only interrupted by the shock of not having the bodies they're used to. You did mention the "boob-fumbling", and i sort of agree, but if you had a bit of imagination, imagine this: if you woke up as a woman with boobs, would you be horrified and shocked or horny? The reason Eldo/Ringo pokes at their boobs are because they're new and from a funny angle and they jiggle and that's weird and fun and new. I have seen toddlers playing with their penises, that's not porn or sexualized is it? It's just fun the way it jiggles. 

When you write "If one were to approach the idea of writing something for the fun of exploring the body, including the bodies' propensity towards sexual arousal in certain situations [...], but also for the sake of playfully creating a slightly-aroused state in the reader, then one could technically define such writing as a type of "pornography" [...]", you base your whole argument on the fact that i wrote this to create a "slightly-aroused state in the reader" which I most certainly did not. Yes i am exploring the body, but not necessarily in the sexual way you are thinking of. I am exploring the differences with the bodies, but also social norms, etiquette, everyday stuff (like what would they were to work?) and bigger more existential questions about gender roles (although i haven't gotten that far yet).

Pornography is sex, this is not sex. Pornography is getting the receiver aroused by more or less naked bodies in a sexual setting doing sexual things with their everyday bodies. I have just written everyday bodies, no sex. If you read this as porn, then you got off on it, it was not my intent, sorry, but please don't call this porn. I am sorry i said you had a sick mind, but i got offended and snapped. It may not be sick, but a bit too sexualized perhaps? This was meant as light-hearted fun, playing with gender-roles and differences, i repeat NOT FUCKING PORN.

silly version of erotic writing is closer, but i still wouldn't define it as erotic. now moving on. i spent way too much fucking time answering this shit, got better things to do.

Yeah don't bother next time and just assume I already know where you're coming from! It saves time.

Great title, interesting premise. Looking forward to seeing where this goes Norc.

I cracked up just at the title.  Gender-swap is always a premise with potential but also fraught with the possibility of going off the rails as soon as it starts.  So far you seem to have a pretty good grasp on it though and I'm enjoying the first few installments.  Can't wait to see more Norc.  I do love me some good old fashioned madcap Needlehole too.

also:

""I have seen toddlers playing with their penises, that's not porn or sexualized is it? It's just fun the way it jiggles."" Norc.

Ive been a mum to 4 kids, 1 of which is ( I think ? ) a boy. Nearly all my grandchildren are boys, Ive watched them grow from babies to ( almost ) men & one thing is clear...... they have ALL pulled their "wee willy winkies" about as if their tiny todgers are elastic bands ! Its just part of growing up, even monkeys & apes do far worse sometimes. If you ignore them, kids grow out of it, ( unless they are 20 yrs old & you might want to think about saying something ) My son used to flash his bare bum out the open front door, he thought it was hilarious. ( not when he was 20 mind you, when he was 3yrs old )

Yup anyone who has spent any time babysitting or with small male children of their own will not fail to notice that they treat their penis as a stretchy toy. Nature is probably up to something in the learning stakes but mainly I think its just to see how far exactly you can stretch it.
They do grow out of it though and by the time they are 5 or 6 they are onto the 'I'll show you mine if you show me yours phase' of life and occasionally waving it at strangers to judge societies reaction.
And when they get to their early teenage years its all got out of control and as simple as an act as sitting on a bus and the seat vibrating can set the old chap off wanting to pop up for a nosey about the bus. And its wise for a parent to decide its a good time for their teenage boy to learn to wash their own bedsheets, otherwise you will have to face the fact that your child is now sexually mature and parts of the bedsheet are stuck together and you'll have to wash it.
They don't tend to tell you all this stuff in the child rearing books though for some reason.

Agreed, & looking under the bed & finding undercrackers stuck to the carpet like velcro ! you need both hands & your heels dug in just to remove said undercrackers or, cut round carpet & chuck it all out

halfwise wrote:My worry is, with Orwell we'd know where this was heading (jelly baths and such).  With Norc I haven't the foggiest.  I'm gonna get the sofa ready just in case.

I agree. this is dangerous territory. Irascible Viking + knobs/fannies =

I am not touching this with a bargepole.

Well, I for one am finding your exploration gender dynamics through fiction idea really interesting. So, looking forward to the continuation. Boobies or not.

Where are the boobies and cock ups?