A Song of Sludge and Mud

Kingdom of Queens Mincing
location. the throne room

King Petty lounged back on his brown velour recliner and snapped his fingers. A servant scurried forward and with shaking hands cracked open a bottle of evil smelling liquor and with much bowing and scraping handed it to the him. king Petty was bored, and when he was bored bad things happened to casual bystanders and forests. Pettys hobby included setting off forest fires, he would sit aloft the Towers sawing on a violin and singing 70s football anthems while the unlucky trees went poof! into the night sky.
He was not a popular king at all and he was getting more and more paranoid as time went by. He started to see threats to his Kingdom where naught were, and even one day when a kitten had meowed loudly in his chamber Petty had thought the cat had said 'fuck Salmond' and had had it executed on the spot.

((fear not dear reader, the cat was not most foully murdered but merely stunned, I aint a sadist ))))

Sounds about time for a rebellion.

I dont think we've had a story for quite a while now ?? Its one of the things I look forward to, (that & my new found joy of trying to batter people during harmless games of fun   )

Is Petty the Mad King?   

Bluebottle wrote:Is Petty the Mad King?   

crabbit king more like.

Little did the Crabbit King know there was violent revolution afoot, he didnt really notice much afoot, wot with him being drunk as a skunk.

There were several houses throuought the land of Ikeashire of the frozen North, the most noble and sarcastic being House Norcling, Ser Bluenuts and Ser Forest Flump being the most sarcastic of all the free peoples. In the far dusty deserted South was House Ozflibbedypoop, and Ser Orwell the rude, and Ser Chris the deluded ManCityfan had long had designs on the comfy throne. King Petty had called his bannermen to him hoping to convert them into the secret and disgusting religious Brotherhood Of Moffat, but only Ser Eldo the Larper had answered the call, (if a little halfheartedly). Obviously this being Queens Mincing the ladies didnt count for much and they were generally left crying alone after films by their manly spouses.
The most Dangerous of king Pettys foes was The Lance. The Lance was a sellsword and ferocious Ribena murderer, he was long dedicated to sterminating Pettys kin the Lady Azriel of house Fairydust and her sister the mad cat Lady Figg of house Computerdoofus. Pettys only true allies were maester Halfwise of house bumfluff and Septer Dave of house Genitalexposure. But in all the land the most Dangerous of all was Prince Bungo of Bunga Bunga land, now he was really scary. His gifs had been known to cause international outrage, and he spent most of his time cooking up methwildfyre which he left floating in peoples lavatories, so many subjects of Ikeashire had had their dangly bits burnt, that twas said septer Dave had done a roaring trade in strap-on-veggies.

{{{  }}}

Great idea for a story, figg

what can you say ? another fantastic beginning !

Unbeknowns to his quite loyal subjects, king Petty had a dark secret, well two dark secrets if you count the perfume scented fan mail to JK Rowling. The secret came in the form of The Terrible Twins, product of a night of passion with a magic Elk. They were called Norcina and Ringlet of house Skinnydipinice, they were wandering weirdos with spooky capabilities which consisted of the rolling of eyes so hard they went White and people gagged. But they had the uncanny knack of foresoothing the future and this made Petty afraid, very very afraid folk would find out and oust him in favour of Ser Blue Peter who was a lawyer and knew how to percutiam regem legitime.

if you count the perfume scented fan mail to JK Rowling- Figg

  

they were wandering weirdos with spooky capabilities which consisted of the rolling of eyes so hard they went White and people gagged.

 

 {{{you scrumptious being you}}}


(((from the Staff)))

erm if anyone feels like continuing?, cos I am really tired and full of drugs that have dulled my brain.   

Two cloaked figures slowly tromped through the mud alongside the Queen's Road, several hundred miles north of Queen's Landing. They had traveled far, but with no particular destination in mind. It was rare to see absent minded travelers on the Queen's Road, especially after the Crabbit King had recalled his men who guarded it. Cleaning and filling Buckie barrels had become a top priority for his grace, and the safety of the kingdom suffered for it. Bandits and highwaymen had laid claim to the vast lands between kingdoms, taking the advantage of any lone, unarmed, travelers they happened upon.

Yes, it was a rare sight to see such ill-prepared travelers wandering along the Queen's Road. And as night began to fall they decided the best course of action would be to take shelter underneath a large tree that was barely 200 feet from the road. Well, that previous statement would be giving these two vagabonds too much credit. What actually happened is that they both strayed from the path, tripping over branches and falling face first into the mud as they went deeper into the forest. Eventually they ran into a large tree (literally ran into it, as one was spooked by the snapping of a twig, and took off like a bolt of lighting). Upon hitting said tree they both fell in a heap at its trunk, exhausted from their little jaunt.

The sun fell beneath the distant hills and trees; night had come to the seven kingdoms (or were there eight? or six? or nine? It was hard to keep track of these days). Somehow, one of these weirdos had managed to assemble a fire before the last golden ray had gone from the sky. Mind you, this may not have been the wisest move considering the safety of the areas that were not under direct control of one of the kingdoms. The flickering flame of an unprepared traveler would mean easy prey for the highwaymen.

    huzzah! the story takes flight!

Mmm... where too, though? Seems to have flown beyond the borders of Forumshire...   

I do not see why this Ser Forest should hail from the unfortunate House of Flump, the name of which conjures images of lazy individuals depositing themselves abruptly in deep, well-cushioned armchairs.
I have heard that members of said House prize comfort and long feasts however, so I suppose that is one positive outlook to all this. Perhaps a certain familiarity with comfort will play into future attempts for the Comfy Throne...

"Ikeastan"

  

Ser BumbleFluff is eagerly awaiting more.

oh, i gotta readz thiz

Mrs Figg wrote:But they had the uncanny knack of foresoothing the future and this made Petty afraid, very very afraid folk would find out and oust him in favour of Ser Blue Peter who was a lawyer and knew how to percutiam regem legitime.

  

Shame our House words are "No no, not the comfy chair."   

I'd keep writing on this, but I'm not really one for telling stories.

As it was Figgy's idea, I wonder if she'd like to continue.

ok but its going to get bloody

Highwayman indeed ! Yay verily does this dark portent of evil strike. He, so mysterious & ominous, He, who's very name strikes fear & terror to all ! He is Baron Rc of Merponia !

"Mmmmm hello, anyone for lego ?"
With rapier sharp wits he can unravel a sealed box of 500 pieces before your very eyes ! He, Baron RC, sworn enemy of the ever unthoughtful, ever inebriated, King Petty, has wreaked foul sock smelling revenge on the one family that did him wrong ! they sold merp! Baron RCs golden home. Home of fair maidens in Madonna boob tops, Home, of masculine men seated in great halls armed....with fine paint brushes doing ever such nice touch up jobs to little plastic figurines. He alone will seek out this King, *the word stuck in his throat* and end his days of debauched Buckie swilling and any others that stood in his way, like Septer Dave & his erogenous lettuce.  

{{{ all yours Figgs   }}}