Back and There Again: A parody

I've been writing this over on fanfiction.net just because I'm bored and crabbit and found that I like to write parodies   
So this is my version of TABA...

Chapter One

Legolas was chasing Bolg on horseback, angry as ever that someone made him bleed his own blood. It completely tarnished his perfectly clean and unbeatable-in-battle persona that was so prominently shown in those films that he hadn't technically been in yet. There was something hitting his back. That's when he remembered he had his bow with him! Whispering to the horse in elvish to put in on cruise control, he reached back and pulled out his bow and knocked it with an arrow. This was going to be a cakewalk compared to the daring CGI acrobatics he did when chasing the barrels. He shot one arrow after another at the pale orc until it finally fell from the saddle of its warg. The warg ran off into the forest on the other side of the bridge as Bolg slipped off of the bridge into the freezing cold lake. Served him right. He turned his CGI horse around and rode back into Laketown to find out where in Eru's name she was that was more important than killing orcs.

Tauriel was pondering over whether she should run back to the woodland realm before the dragon showed up or to stay behind with the dwarves and children. Forsaking her friends in times of need seemed to be right up her alley at the moment, so she decided to stay. She hoped Legolas was ok. He probably was. He never got a scratch. If he did, whoever gave it to him would be dead before they even realized what they had done. Besides, she didn't really want to go back home, especially after Thranduil had embarrassed her and discriminated against her race. She found poetic justice in her falling for a dwarf instead of Legolas. It would be the icing on top of a lovely cake of racial Middle Earth minorities.

During her pondering, she hadn't heard the boy re-enter the demolished house.

"They've taken my father prisoner and the Dragon is coming!" he said anxiously, looking to Tauriel for assistance. She only shrugged.

"Hey, I'm not technically supposed to be here. And I've been cooped up in Mirkwood for so long I don't even know what this town is called."

"Where's the black arrow?" Fili asked

"I hid it in a boat under some nets!" the boy replied.

"Well that was dumb," Bofur grumbled, "do remember which boat it was?"

"Erm, no," the boy said sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck.

Tauriel rolled her eyes. "I'll go find it. You dwarves go release the boy's father. What exactly am I looking for?"

"It's this giant black arrow that's supposed to be used from a dwarvish wind lance," said the boy. "I put it in a boat near a giant statue of the master. You'll know it when you see it."

Tauriel nodded and ran out of the decrepit house leaping effortlessly from boat to boat. The wind began to pick up and she heard a roar in the distance. She quickened her pace.

Meanwhile, the dwarves followed the boy Bain to the dungeons, where ironically again the guards had fallen asleep from drinking too much. Bard was pressed against the bars, anxiously looking at the sky.

"Da!" said Bain as he rushed toward his father.

"Why Da?" Bofur whispered to Fili. Fili only shrugged. Oin ran over to the drunk guards and nabbed the keys off of them. He tinkered with each one until the door clicked open.

"Where's the arrow?" Bard said as he gripped his son's shoulder

"We sent a ginger elf to go get it!" Fili said reassuringly.

Bard's face looked more terrified than it had yet. "A ginger? We're doomed!"

Gandalf swung in his cage, desperately wishing that this place wasn't so desolate. Otherwise, he'd have found a butterfly to call the eagles again. The orcs were marching for Erebor, making Gandalf wonder if the battle of Dol Guldur was actually going to take place during the battle of five armies which also made him wonder what exactly was happening in the East. From what Manwe had told him Valinor, he'd thought that things would be going much differently.

Suddenly there was a loud knocking echoing throughout the fortress. Sauron answered in a hissy voice "Whoooooo'ssss theeerrrrree?"

"It is I, Galadriel!"

Gandalf's heart leapt for joy. So his incompetent cousin had actually done as he was told!

"You willllllll dieeeee she elffffffff."

"I don't think so. Remember that one time when that other she-elf that I can't name because of copyright issues and her dog came and whooped your sorry flaming butt? Yeah, that's going to happen again."

Gandalf raised an eyebrow. He never knew Galadriel could be so sassy.

"I'm going to count to three, and so help me, you better make like one of these decrepit trees and leave! ONE…"

"Are youuuuu jokinnnnggg?"

"Two…"

"Seriously, you expect me to believe…"

"Three!" Galadriel snapped her fingers and Sauron was gone. Gandalf supposed it was because being beaten by a woman twice was not good for the Dark Lord's reputation. Galadriel slowly walked over to where Gandalf was hanging, since she only had one speed at which she did everything, and set him free.

"I did not know you had such a power over him milady," Gandalf said with a bow.

"It is because I know how to make all creatures feel uncomfortable," she replied as she moved a piece of Gandalf's hair back behind his ear. He gulped and turned the other way. She was right about that most definitely.

At this point, everyone has probably forgotten that this is my story. Well guess what, IT IS! It's called the bloody Hobbit! Sure, it seems like I'm just telling Thorin's story, especially because of the prologue in the first film, but it's not! Or at least, it shouldn't be…

Anyway, I watched in horror as Smaug flew off toward Laketown. He only hoped that Bard would warn the people before it was too late. That man seemed to have a sixth sense for bad things.

I was soon joined by Thorin and the rest of our company, who had managed to follow me somehow by avoiding the molten gold on the floor. Thorin sniffed.

"Well, there's nothing we can do now but wait."

"What?" I said incredulously, "Wait?! We have to help them! They won't stand a chance, especially if they don't know that there actually is a weak spot on Smaug!"

"How do you propose we warn them Master Baggins?" Thorin said condescendingly. I was so sick of that. Hadn't I proved myself to be a worthy member of the company? This guy was ridiculous!

"What about the thrush?" Balin chimed in. "I still know how to speak to them!"

"Yes, but what are the odds of that fitting into a Lord of the Rings prequel? It's too ridiculous," Thorin said dismissively.

"That's actually not as ridiculous as that stunt Bombur pulled in the barrels!" I complained, but I was ignored.

"They have their legend about the dragon's hide, that'll be enough."

"You're also forgetting that four of our company are STILL IN LAKETOWN!" I yelled, smacking my forehead. The dwarves muttered anxiously.

"Well, that's a bad twist of luck," Balin sighed.

Brilliant !    Great sarcasm    Gentle wit !   

Chapter 2

Tauriel had found her way to the center of Laketown where a giant green screen was set up. She blinked and there appeared a giant statue of the Master. Not questioning the last minute add-in effect, she started hurriedly searching the boats. She expected to be interrupted, especially because of the excessive security that she heard the dwarves grumbling about, but no one came. She found it odd that no one had noticed the orcs either. If they had, maybe they'd be a bit more prepared to deal with the Dragon. But no, everyone was in their warm wooden houses that were soon to become much, much too warm.

She finally found the boat that held the Black Arrow, and yanking it free of the netting around it, raced back to the dwarves. On her way, she dead orcs littered around the docks. Peaking her interest, she followed the trail, knowing that it was made by Legolas. When it ended and he wasn't there, she initially grew worried, but then she saw a tiny drip of blood on the ground.

"Well Eru knows where he is now," she mumbled. He was probably off chasing and killing the orc that did this. Another roar echoed through the sky, much louder than previously, making Tauriel jump as she raced back the way she came. What was a dwarvish wind lance? Stopping mid stride, she pondered how she would even find it. Climbing up onto a roof, she looked out over the town, spotting the dragon only a mile away. Pulse racing, she desperately searched for the thingy, finding it only because she heard her name being called from the roof next to her.

"TAURIEL! BRING US THE ARROW!" Fili called, standing next to a strange white contraption. Must have been the thingy. She leaped over to the next roof top and gave it to the man standing at the ready. He had a large bump on his forehead, making Tauriel wonder if he was actually qualified to do this. It was then that the Dragon descended upon the town, belching dragon fire. People started screaming and jumping into the freezing lake.

"Give me the Arrow!" the man said impatiently. Tauriel obliged and handed it to him. He knocked the wind lance and started to try and aim at the Dragon who was circling around to strike again. Tauriel began to wonder how exactly he was planning on hitting the Dragon. It was too dark for the man to see and the Dragon would probably eat or burn all of them before he'd expose his weak spot to the only weapon that could kill it.

"Are you sure you want to shoot it?"

The dwarves and the men looked at her as if she had just committed treason.

"I have to," said Bard, barely containing his rage.

"Well I think you're going to miss, and since that's our only arrow, I think you should let someone who isn't concussed and has much better eye sight give it a go."

"Absolutely not!" Bard boomed, angrily lining up the arrow and shooting it, completely missing the dragon and landing with a sploosh into the lake. Everyone cried out in exasperation.

"See! I told you so!" Tauriel said angrily

" You were totally distracting him!" Fili said pulling on his barely grown in beard

"Shouldn't you be looking after Kili? Did you three just leave him there?" she said suddenly aware that the just about beardless dwarf was nowhere to be seen.

Fili looked at his companions for a brief moment before all three of them rushed down off the roof and back to Bard's house.

"Now what are we going to do?" Bain said despondently as Smaug continued to throw a psychotic fit.

"I've got an idea." Everyone whipped around to see Legolas standing on the rooftop.

"Legolas!" Tauriel gasped

The elf only glared at her and flipped his hair over his shoulder dismissively. Tauriel knew he was mad that she had completely abandoned him and that it was a really mean thing to do, especially after she had manipulated his feelings so that he would help her.

"What is it, Master Elf?" Bard said, either red from anger or from embarrassment.

"Let me see that wind lance…"

Smaug didn't want to admit it, but he actually was pretty fat and slow. What else should he expect after sleeping for a hundred years? However the stupid Lake-men didn't know that. He was immensely enjoying killing them after he frustratingly found that he could not injure the dwarves. If he had talked to any of the other villains in the story so far, they'd find that they had run into a very similar issue. He was about to go and chase the people trying to escape when he heard the blaring of the "Woodland Realm" theme and was hit by something. He looked around to see a blonde elf sitting on his back.

"Who…" but before he could finish, the elf ran down his back, drawing a knife as he swung himself onto Smaug's hind leg. Smaug shook his foot, trying to get the elf off, but to no avail. Swinging off of Smaug's big toe, Legolas lunged forward and dug his knife into Smaug's weak spot.

With a roar, the dragon began to fall toward the lake. Using his scales as footholds, Legolas climbed back onto the Dragon's back. See that Smaug was going to nosedive into the freezing water, the elf ran toward the tale. As the dragon made impact on the Master's house, Legolas balanced himself on the tail of the beast as it brought half the town down into the lake with it. Legolas slid off the tail like he was surfing and landed on his two feet in one of the boats. He hopped from one to another until he reached Tauriel and the men, who were now joined by four dwarves. They all stared at him with their jaws hanging.

"Piece of Lembas," he said smugly as he began to walk back home.

All I could see was the burning lake. Thorin had ordered that no one was allowed to leave, but nobody was really listening to him at this point. We all were sick of him leading us into more trouble than we needed to be in. If he'd just let me come back up with the Arkenstone, then there wouldn't have been that whole fiasco where we tried to kill him! I mean I saw the weak spot! There was that wind lance, and I'm pretty sure that that also means there is at least one Black Arrow left in Laketown. I shook my head, trying to shake my frustrations away. The only positive thing that came from this whole endeavor was that Thorin wasn't thinking about the Arkenstone at this time, so I wouldn't have to give it to him. I wondered where Gandalf was right now. He would be able to slap some sense into Thorin!

It was then that we heard a roar louder than all the rest and a loud crashing noise.

"It sounds like he just died!" Balin said excitedly

"You know what a dying dragon sounds like?" I asked, but like usual, I was ignored.

"We must rebuild the gate then!" Thorin said excitedly

"Why?"Dwalin asked, cracking his knuckles.

"So that we can keep everyone else out! They'll all be coming for the gold, and we have to defend it!"

"But you promised the people of Laketown some of it! And they're going to need it now more than ever!" I argued, but Thorin didn't respond. He knew I was right, they all did, but I guess my voice has been so greatly diminished in my own story that what I say doesn't even move the plot along anymore! "Fine! Rebuild your gates and lock yourselves in that mountain! Have fun cleaning up after Smaug! I wouldn't want to know what Dragon dung looks like." I marched off, not looking back.

"Where are you going, Bilbo?" Balin called after him

"To do something on my own WITHOUT dwarves sticking their shamefully short beards in my story!"

  

I haven't seen DOS yet but I think I have pretty much got the gist of it here... and probably in the way I would be watching it too!!

Thanks for saving me the trip!!