A Midsummer Nights Dream (in Forumshire)

Eldorion wrote:You do miss out on some of the artistry of elaborately crafted replies that combine battles of logical reasoning with a rhetorical dance to see who can tip-toe closest to the line between openly calling someone a dumbass and merely insinuating that the level of intelligence expressed in their posts brings to mind donkeys and/or feces.  Only the greatest could play that game.

Pettytyrant101 wrote:So night settles over Needlehole and the dell above where the stars shine down.
Well some are settled.
See there Figg peering unhappily from her tent with a bladder full of excess wine.
There she goes, heavy cloak wrapped tightly around her night bustle searching the dell for somewhere private and in the end finding nowhere discreet enough.
So off she goes, reluctantly in the starlight, to the far side of the dell and the slope beyond where some large gorse bushes offer her natures bathroom.
And below among the outlying trees the males of Forumshire lie still in slumber.
Except one.


Eldo woke with a start. His head felt odd, swimming. For a moment he could not entirely remember where he was.

He was lying with his back against a tree with his head facing upwards so all he could see was the netted mass of branches and leaves of the canopy above.

A mad impulsive thought entered his head.

He was halfway up the tree before it occurred to him he had not even filled out a risk assessment form, let alone done a full Health and Safety audit of the tree before embarking on this reckless behaviour.

Someone could get hurt doing this sort of thing, and in this case the particular someone would be him.

That thought should have been enough to make him stop where he was, but for some reason it did not and he continued to scramble upwards branch by branch until his head popped through the canopy and out into the fresh enchanted night air.

His hair flowed out in the breeze as he swayed a little uncertainly at the top.

What was he doing? This was madness. He had not even planned it. Yet he did not climb down. Instead he realised he rather liked the feel of the cool night air blowing on his face and through his hair. He actually liked being up here unannounced and unplanned.

His eye turned up the slope of the hill and saw there a figure emerging from a clump of gorse adjusting a bustle and grumbling.

There was only one person who it was easier to recognise from the back than the front. It was Figg.

Eldo's heart leapt.

“What a woman,” he thought and before he had time to even think of filling out a form he had begun enthusiastically clambering back down the trunk.


Figg harrumphed to herself, grumbling under her breath about the merits of camping and the lack of proper toilet facilities with thick and soft toilet roll in them and mini soap bars to wash your hands with afterwards, as she emerged from the bushes.

She had an odd tingling sensation inside her skull that she was pretty sure was not the wine.

She paused at the top of the slope and looked downwards towards the tree line.
A figure was emerging there, coming up the slope towards her. It looked familiar. It had long flowing hair and was running.

At first she thought it was Eldo, but then she could not remember ever having seen Eldo run, well anywhere, ever. So she hesitated.

But as he drew nearer she had no doubt any longer it was him, and he seemed so youthful, full of vigour and life. So the opposite of Petty, and in her chest her heart suddenly, and uncontrollably, leapt.

She found she was running, running to meet Eldo even as he ran to meet her.
She had an uncontrollable urge to hold him in her arms.



Ally stood alone beneath the eaves of the wood.

All was dark before her lost in tree shadows and trailing weeping lichen.

She tilted her head slightly to one side and then after a brief, but cool sigh said quietly, “I know you are in there.”

For a moment there was only a silence then a giggling began that seemed to move from point to point and then grew quieter, as if receding with distant.

Ally sighed again and shook her head, “So be it,” she said and entered the wood.



Halfwise awoke with a yawn, uncurled and stretched.

He had a scratch and looked about the glade, noticing immediately that Eldo was absent.

Curiously he stood and combed some hair back from his eyes.

No there was definitely no sign of Eldo.

He wandered from the glade, his head felt odd, as if there was an itch inside it he could not scratch.

He reached the woods edge and peered out in to the star lit night.

There were two figures, one close enough to see was Eldo running up the slope, and the second was running down it towards him.

Wondering what was going on he decided to follow and find out.




Aziel sat bolt upright in her tent.

Something was vibrating about her person.

She patted the various pouches, bags and pockets that adorned her dark clothing until she had located the source- a small golden amulet which was shaking of its own accord.

A frown and a look of serious concern crossed her face.

“Oh no!” she murmured and reached out for her pointy hat which she determinedly pulled it onto her head, “anything but that,” she added with another look at her amulet and left her tent.



In the glade David woke fitfully from sleep and sat up.

He glanced upwards at the night sky between the leaves, his farmers instincts telling him dawn was a whiles away yet and that there was a chance of light rain in the latter part of the afternoon.

Then he noticed the absence of Halfwise and Eldo.

He glanced about but saw no sign of them and so nudged awake RA, who was gently snoring on his back, still lying spread-eagled in the stiff robot costume, and then he awoke Lance who mumbled, “bit it was only a cosworth,” before finally opening his eyes with a questioning look on his face.

Lastly he woke Orwell who had been having a rather bizarre dream in which he was  the star attraction at a woman only zoo.

“Eldo and Halfy are gone,” David informed them bluntly.

“Gone?” Ra asked trying to sit up and failing, twice, stiff limbs flailing before Lance lent him assistance to stand, “Gone where?” he asked tempting the fates that gets people killed in Forumshire for asking such questions.

“No idea,” David replied with a shrug and a frown at RA.

“Why are they gone might be a better question,” Orwell added with a worried look.

“Well he wont have gone back up the hill,” RA incorrectly pointed out proving once and for all he was good at dicing with Forumshire death, “the women are camped up there.”

“I don't fancy searching the woods at night,” Orwell said looking into the deeper darkness within the woods.

“I don't see we have much choice,” RA observed not knowing he was proposing just the sort of plan that could get a person killed in Forumshire.

“But what if there is something, horrible in there,” Orwell insisted, not much looking the look of the wood and wondering why the inside of his head seemed to be buzzing.

“There is something horrible in there,” Lance confirmed, “Petty went that way.”

“Should we split up and search?” Ra asked.

They all looked at him, “That's just the sort of bloody silly plan will get someone killed in Forumshire RA,” David said firmly, “No, we go together. Come on.”

“I'm not going,” Orwell said obstinately and folded his arms across his chest.

“So you are going to stay here? Alone?” David asked.

Orwell hesitated a moment, “No,” he said eventually, “I’m going up to the girls camp.”

His head felt odd, full of sudden determination, “I am going to declare my love for Figg.”

The others stared at him in silence for a few moments then broke out in uproarious laughter.

“What?” Orwell demanded as they collapsed around him in laughter.

“Sorry Orwell,” Lance said, being the first to regain some compulsory in his mirth, “its just, well you've done this before and you always run away as soon as she shows the slightest interest in you. Besised she is marrying Petty remember.”

“Well, we shall see about that,” Orwell said with jaw jutting, “you'll see.”

And with that he marched out of the glade.




Norc woke and sat bolt upright. The embers had burnt low on the camp-fire but something had woken her.

She stood up just in time to see Azriel disappear out of the dell “what the fuck?” she muttered and followed.

On the dark slope beyond her eyes were met with a sight that at first she could not believe.

Azriel was standing looking grim at the slopes head staring in unhappiness at the sight before her, but not as unhappily as Norc, for there before her was Eldo with his arms wrapped around Figg.

“No fucking way,” was all the stunned Norc could manage but then Fjordian envy and fury began to bubble up in her and before Azriel could stop her she had strode passed with a face red with fury.

“What the fuck?” she demanded of Eldo and Figgs.

Eldo unwrapped himself from Figg but without any hint of shame or embarrassment and turned to her, “Oh its you,” he said as if she were the least interesting thing he had ever seen.

“You?!” Norc fumed at him.

“Yes you,” Eldo replied and his eyes turned to gaze into those of Figg.

“What about us? I thought we had something?” Norc demanded as Azriel cautiously approached, still fingering the amulet in her hand.

“I was mistaken,” Eldo replied, “I don't love you, so young and coarse and unfinished. I love Figg!”

“Like fuck you do,” Norc exploded, “And what about you Figg? What about Petty?”

Dreamily Figg tore her gaze away from Eldo, whose luxurious hair she had been admiring.

“Petty?” she asked seemingly a little confused, “oh yes, Petty. Where is his youth, his daring? At the bottom of a buckie bottle that's where. I love what is young in spirit and free and daring,” she replied, “I love Eldo.”

Norc's face was incredulous, “Free? Daring? Eldo?” she said in disbelief, “Right,” she said grimly and rolled her up sleeves, “Fuck you two. Lets see how well you love being dead!”

But much to her shock and complete surprise Eldo reached out a hand and shoved her firmly away, so much was she caught of guard that she fell over backwards onto the grassy ground and Eldo and Figg laughed at her till her heart seemed  ready to burst.

“We will go together into the woods and dare new adventures, brave perils together, see new lands together,” Eldo said taking Figg up in his arms and strolling away.

Azriel approached as they left and knelt beside the stunned Norc, “Are you ok?” she asked.

“He doesn’t fucking love me,” Norc said in a somewhat shocked tone. “Fuck he doesn’t even like me!”

“Mmm,” Azriel said with a frown and held up her amulet which was still visibly vibrating in her hand, “there is magic in this,” she said annoyed.

Norc looked at the amulet in Azriel's hand, “And what the fuck is that?” she demanded.

“It warns of the approach of potential husbands,” Azriel informed her.

“But Eldo came for Figg,” Norc replied, “why warn you?”

“I don’t know,” Azriel mused and then noticed a second figure was bounding up the slope towards them, “Is that Hafwise?” she asked.

But she did not have to wait for an answer, as soon as Halfwise set eyes on her he doubled his pace and  before she could prevent it he was upon them and leapt at  her, eyes shining and grabbed her in his arms, “Let me count the ways I love you,” he gushed to her, “using a base ten system and a set of graphs.”

“No you bloody well will not!” Azriel replied in horror, “Get off you daft big hairy thing,” she said pushing him away but he bounded back at her, “I'm warning you Halfy”

“Let me calculate the height into the heavens my love will reach for you,” Halfwise continued unabated.

“Keep this up you will be calculating how much of my boot  will fit up your arse when I kick it” Azriel retorted and waved her hands about in front of herself as is warding him off in gestures.

Still undeterred Halfwise leapt at her again but the air around Azriel crackled and he fell backwards nursing a stinging hand.

“I warned you Halfwise,” Azriel said darkly,”I'll not be having with that sort of mucking about.”

“But I must hold you in my arms, close to my heart” Halfwise replied, “were I to equate my love for you to numbers there would be an infinity.”

“What the FUCK is going on here?” Norc demanded.

“Mischief Norc,” Azriel said, “Mischief. Come on lets go wake Amarie and together we shall find the mischief maker.”

She helped the forlorn Norc up from the ground and they set off to waken the Ambassador.

Halfwise bounded along behind.

CC12 35 wrote:i am an established and serious tolkien scholar on that forum i'll have u kno

CC12 35 wrote:that was a rather pointless quote

CC12 35 wrote:Richard Cieslik

Pettytyrant101 wrote:Petty numbered the chapters incorrectly- Eldo

Did I?  Was I munbering them at all?    Im sure I had a hat on when I came in.   

Norc wrote:that fucker.

CC12 35 wrote:perhaps my greatest character

She paused at the top of the slope and looked downwards towards the tree line.
A figure was emerging there, coming up the slope towards her. It looked familiar. It had long flowing hair and was running.

At first she thought it was Eldo, but then she could not remember ever having seen Eldo run, well anywhere, ever. So she hesitated.

But as he drew nearer she had no doubt any longer it was him, and he seemed so youthful, full of vigour and life. So the opposite of Petty, and in her chest her heart suddenly, and uncontrollably, leapt.

She found she was running, running to meet Eldo even as he ran to meet her.
She had an uncontrollable urge to hold him in her arms.