LITTLE FORUMSHIRE in FULL COLOUR (Unwanted visitors risk interference!)

We could try boarding their hole up.  

go away you non citizens !

I've got diplomatic immunity!

And Im an illegal immigrant.

The (brief) Working Class Manifesto of Food
the posh sandwiches were reduced to 74 pence. i will dine like an aristocrat today.

By A.Fish

Why is it every time the Bankses and their friends have an innocent get together, you guys poke your noses in? It's very offensive, you know! This a Private Forum, you know!  

Annette O Fish wrote:The (brief) Working Class Manifesto of Food
the posh sandwiches were reduced to 74 pence. i will dine like an aristocrat today.

By A.Fish

I suspect silly sausages of the C.C. circle, and I don't like it!  

Simple but rather nice really.  

WHOLESOME TALES


THE SPACE ADVENTURERS


Once upon a time in the bright yellow future of Little Forumshire - about seventeen thousand years after dull old Forumshire had become a dim dull memory remembered only dimly for it's dullness - Odo Banks was sitting on his garden chair on Green Panet 7 counting himself lucky that he had invested his money in inventing an Immortality Pill all those years ago. Just then, a curious chap came scurrying along the path.

"Are you an alien?" Odo asked. "I can't remember ever seeing your type in my mines or abbatoirs or machine shops or burlesques. And why are you naked? And is that a large penis hanging between your knees?"

"Ock tha noo," said the alien, or possible alien. "I bee but an unembarrassed Scotshobbit that survived the possibly legendary Death Ray of 2042 that possibly legendarily destroyed Forumshire... Ock! Bee that a Death Star floating on a towline in your yard above that fine oak tree?"

"Never mind that... I seem to remember you.... Petty is it? Petty McTyrant?"

"Aye nock the noo and nelly, 'tis me."

"But how can that be? Fancy you being here - alive - on the 7th of my Green Planets, my good Scotshobbit? You should have been incinerated seventeen thousand years ago - accidentally..."

"Noo. We was havin' a pickanick out in Dave's carrot skinned spaceship. He calls it "The Nelson" and we took it for a fling. We jumped through time and visited the Pecaddillies of Pragmak 4 - but when we got back home, home wasn't there. It was like it had vanished --- or been incinerated..." Petty looked at Odo's Death Star, his eyes becoming slits. "Ock tha noo... I bee now a'wonderin further aboot that Death Star..."

"Never mind that. What are you doing here?"

"Aye! I was forgetful there. I need an hobbit to go on a dangeruss adventure throo outer space to find the Interstella Eldorado, and the gossipy women of Galaxio 6 were gossipin about a certain Ozhobbit with enough coal to power the flight... A host of coal, 'tis said... miraculous coal, which some say was gained via the magical propensities of a magical coal scootle..." Petty stopped. He seemed to be trying to remember something.

"The Interstella Eldorado is it?" Odo said, scratching his fleshy chin. "I'll do it - but I want 50% of all profits. Oh yes, I've heard of that fabulous planet. Interstella Eldorado! It lies like a great Arkenstone in space on the other side of the Galaxy and it's fabled as the place of riches far beyond the ken of any hobbit no matter how fat and self satisfied."

"Ock! I seem to remember you noo. My mortal enmee if I remumbar rightly... But itz a deal. 50% is a small return I'm thinkin, Odo Banks... Noot soo greedy, hmmmmm, noowadays... noot so self satisfied?"

"Let's never mind that. I'll just pop into my commodious hole and get some... things... You go grab my coalmobile. It's parked by the palazzo. The coalmobile girl will drive. (And keep your grubby hands to yourself!) The coal's in the coal shed down past my apple orchard. (And leave the applelasses alone too!) Load the coalmobile, laddie, and meet me here in ten minutes."

"Ock!" Petty said. "Why doont you go an get it yeeself?"

"You crabbit bastard. Some things never change! Go on. Get. Load or go away. That's my deal. Take it or leave it."

Petty glowered, and slunk off.

to be continued...

Eldorian's gone into Stella?  I'm way behind on the gossip, seemingly.

I think Petty glowers a LOT.

Glad to hear the "Nelson" turned out to be good for more than horse fodder. I was beginning to wonder if it was worth keeping it around.

A Forumshire sci fi!  

THE SPACE ADVENTUERS
(Episode 2)


The coalmobile was a coal moalmobile of special magnificence - for  a coalmobile - and the coalmobile girl even better. But she wisely made Petty sit on the tailgate because (she said) she hated naked Scotshobbits who stunk of stale Buckie.

It was a sunny Green Planet 7 day and Petty tried to think of things other than his current sexual needs, but it was difficult, very very difficult, because everywhere he looked were farm girls of every description of the Victoria's Secrets type, which were the type Odo preferred when it came to Mentoring and Work Experience, he still being a Dedicated Teacher of Young Women even after seventeen thousand years. All the girls Petty passed were very charming in their pretty dresses and suspender belts, especially the applelasses who smelled fresh and appley - even from distance. (Odo's B12 Death Robots looked so menanacing and protective, the naughty-thoughted Scotshobbit had to keep his Scots-appendage jammed firmly between his knobbly knees, which was only respectable and - what with the Death Robots - only sensible).

At last, the coalmobile girl parked outside a huge shed which Petty discovered was full of coal.

"I wooda thought the old bastard would have meesheens to do the work," he grumbled as a Death Robot handed him a shovel.

"He has," the kindly Death Robot beeped and buzzed. "But he mislikes the thought of lazy layabouts like you lolllygagging on his planets. Get to work."

Petty glowered and got to work. Sixteen hours later, he had loaded the eighteen tons required.

"I wonder where he gets all this fine Scotscoal?" Petty asked when he had completed the task and was leaning on the shovel, panting softly.

"'tis said that he has a Magical Coal Scuttle," the kindly Death Robot beeped and buzzed. "But it's only a dirty little Legend (Master Odo says), a figment of the Scotshobbit imagination, a furphy, a wild herring, a load of codswallop, which, even if it did actually exist - it doesn't (he says) - no one will ever find where he has secreted it, so don't bother trying. And even if anyone did find it, his Daleks would never you let you get near it. Not that he has any Daleks, mind. That's just another stupid rumour - of sorts. Mind you, that's what I've been programmed to say and I take no responsibility for the accuracy of the data."

Petty glowered thoughtfully. He had his own long held opinion about the Famous Coal Scuttle, and the Banks Clan involvement in it's diappearance, and he stubbornly stuck with that opinion, which, of course, was his wont in regard to opinions generally.

About six minutes later, the coal mobile was on it's way, with Petty back on the tailgate. He was deep in thought. "I bee wondrin if I might nit yet find oot where ower Coal Scootle is..."  But he kept these thoughts to himself, even if he now glowered somewhat happily while thought-thinking.

to be continued...  

  {{{{  But exactly why am I naked in this? Whats happened to my kilt?  }}}}}

We are very pleased this is not an illustrated story.  

Pettytyrant101 wrote:  {{{{  But exactly why am I naked in this? Whats happened to my kilt?  }}}}}

{{{I'm not sure what I'm at liberty to tell you, Petty, but I've heard that Ol' Anon always thinks of you in your naked state. ... Not that I would ever suggest he'd ever peep through your window..... late at night... ... last Summer, for instance.... }}}

 

halfwise wrote:We are very pleased this is not an illustrated story.  

{{{{{Not that I would ever suggest he'd ever peep through your window..... late at night... ... last Summer, for instance- Orwell   I thought that was Mrs Figg and so naturally I stood to attention for a lady, being properly brought up and all.  }}}}}}}

{{{Rumour has it she was there too -- and felt quite ill soon after... though that might have been due to the excessive amount of Creme de Menthe she imbibed before Ol' Anon could persuade her to ever go 'on a lark' with him. Mind you, it's just a rumour all said and done... }}}

Mmmmhm. {{{}}}

halfwise wrote:Eldorian's gone into Stella?  I'm way behind on the gossip, seemingly.

So was I.

I guess I was the only one who thought that was funny.

Im still trying to work out who Stella is?