WHOLESOME TALES [2]

bandersnatches? like in... bandersatch Cummerbund? should I read this afterall??

Welll...it is only four letters long. Is it really worth it?

Chapter Twenty Six
The Fantabulous Five

Odo was quite impatient. That's why before you knew it, the Questers were leaving Murkygreywood by the eatern fringes. It has to be said, for all their wearingness after the long hours of journeying through the night, they were glad to see natural sunlight again, and not Odo's strobes and neons which lit far too much of the forest for those with gentler tastes.

"Where are we now?" asked Lance as he sat on a tussock by a reedy pond and the others milled around with eyes smarting in the West Ereboran sunshine.

"In a place where old memories accost one quite unexpectedly and with little bearing on any given quest one is on," Odo said solemnly, he being no stranger to Wholesome Tales and it's silly diversionings.

"I'm almost too frightened to have my afternoon nap," Juia commented sneeringly, as if she suspected she was about to have a tiresome daydream while daynapping. Next thing she ske knew (or didn't actually, as she was falling asleep) she fell asleep.

Suddenly, she was a very young woman again, and she was wearing a very spiffy mini-skirt -- though mini-skirt was a misnomer, miniscule-dress would have been a better description. Not that mini (or miniscule) dresses was all that there was to know about her, it was just mini (or miniscule) dresses were the thing most of the male viewers of her early seventies adventure-comedy, "The Fantabulous Five", noticed about her. Back then - in a time lost in immemorial mist - the five stunning psychedlic ladies of the after-the-kids-had-gone-to-bed Palantir Show were Number One with all the (male) hobbits ---- of Bywater and Buckland especially.

The queer thing was, Julia knew it was a Palantir Show, but she also thought it was a Real Happening too. Indeed, she was having some of those pseudo-intelligentsia thoughts some pseudo-intellectuals - possibly on cannabis - had in the early seventies (and Scotshobbits much later). You know the kind of thoughts I mean. I'm sure you do. (If not, what the fook are you doing in Forumshire? )

Anyway, though Julia knew but didn't know (she was a girl at heart) this was what was really (fictionally) happening....

Ally: Hey, girls! Do you like my get up? I look more late 70's than early 70's though, going by Norc's picture of us in 'Vanity Fair'..."

Amarie: 'Vanity Fair'? You mean "Forumshire Bazaar", don't you?

Julia: I just want to know why I'm depicted in such a raunchy manner?

Norc: I think Norc depicted you as she sees you.

Tin: Yes, you're depicted in what we Catholics call a 'slutty way'. Very apt, I thought.

Amarie: Oh Norc! Are you one and the same Norc who once drew us. Or are you some other semi-true-partially-accurate-variation of yourself, a fine drawer of fine pictures of early seventies ladies of whom we were just mentioning? 'Us', I mean!

Norc: No. For the purposes of this chapter, I think I'm a different Norc.

Julia: Will anyone be able to tell the difference?

Norc: I dare say -- no.

Ally: The bears are crowing like roosters just now.

Amarie: Yes. Just so, Ally... Girls, I wonder what we're doing in this chic New York apartment? I hope we're not going to be portrayed as some some sort of collectified and feminized 'Frazier' --- ooooooh. How tawdry that would be!

Julia: Bit too intellectual for Ol' Anon, I'm afraid. I'm waiting for the group sex to start.

Amarie: What!? You mean among we five variously aged beauties in our flares and mini-skirts?

Julia: It is all he seems to know.

Tin: Well, frankly, I'm not interested in his rubbish. I want to have a proper adventure comedy where our brains are at the foremost...

Ally: And our wit and clever humour...

Amarie: And our astute knowledge of current affairs -- and I mean politics and culture and not naughty sleazy affairs by the way!

Julia: I'd just like to put on more sensible clothes. I can't sit anywhere without showing my knickers in this thing...

Tin: We're agreed then. We want some proper story telling fit for five fantabulous ladies of various ages...

Amarie: The fact we're of different ages and different backgrounds should give Anon the opportunity to write an intelligent adventure comedy in which we show all our brains and good taste and intellectual humour...

Ally: The rain in Spain is south of France.

Tin: Yes, Ally, quite so - but I'm not sure that quite does it for me, Ally.

Amarie: I think this is the trouble we face.

Julia: What's that dear?

Amarie: Anon is incapable of writing anything genuinely interesting for women.

Tin: It's all short skirts and innuendo with him. It's as if that's all that matters with him...

Anon (walking unexpectedly into the room): Oh contrare! I am quite the dilletante!

Tin: The what?

Amarie: I think he means something else.

Julia: Isn't this just the kind of thing that happens when a hobbit from the Bronks saunters into a seventh floor apartment above Times Square!

Ally: Is it?

Amarie: Indeed.

Norc: Well fuck a duck!

Anon: Look ladies - and Julia - I've brought you all here for a very good and important reason. One that bears on the very survival of Forumshire itself... And I'll need the help of the five most intelligent and derring-do-ish females in all Internetoland!

Amarie: Are you saying that the other Forumshire women are somehow lesser than us?

Anon: No, not really. Alright! I chose you because of the picture I saw of you in 'Forumshire Bazaar'.

Julia: That response should keep you out of too much trouble.

Anon: I certainly hope so.

Ally: So what's this buiness about the very survival of Forumshire?

Norc: I bet you it's something stupid again. Fucking stupid!

Amarie: Yes. And boys-own sexualized-stupid! Probably even more stupid than that!

Anon: What makes you say that?

Julia: It's that tub of jelly in that corner over there. It'd even make an idiot like Petty suspicious...

Amarie: And his lack of trousers speaks volumes... Does he look a bit like Odo by the way?

Ally: Oh Gawd! He couldn't write a proper adventure comedy if someone hit him on the head with every copy of The Times in New York!

Julia: I was hoping we'd get to wear all sorts of cool outfits too... but I see there's no chance of that! It'll be all scanty early seventies knickers and peek-a-boo bras!

Amarie: I plan to be revolting!

Julia: When?

Amarie: Right this second! Quick girls! Grab that tub of jelly and throw it off the balcony.

Anon: Stop! Stop! That was going to take a key role in my totally original end-piece!

Norc: Oh my! I think we just killed that policeman...

Amarie: Quick! Back inside! And close the curtains!

Just then the telephone rang.

Julia: Hello? What do you want? What's that? You want us to investigate the recent murder of a New York patrolman? What? Someone dropped a tub of jelly on him from a high height? Yes -- I think the Fantabulous Five can help....

... .... ...

"What a strange dream?"

"What's that Julia?" Orwell yawned beside her as he rubbed his groin half asleep in the warm sunshine.

"Never mind! I see I'm back where we started!"

''Anon: Look ladies - and Julia -''

I think you will find its mid 80s rather than late 70s. I was a tiny child in the late 70s mister.

probably.

Oh you must never confuse reality with Anon's brilliant imagination, Mrs Figg!

THE FANTABULOUS FIVE INVESTIGATE

Episode 7: The Mysterious Case of the Policeman Killed by a Falling Tub of Jelly.

"Who was that?" Amarie asked.

"It was Inspector Danny Dopplemopfler of the New Your P.D." Julia told her solemnly as she self-conciously tried to pull the hem of her skirt down so as to conceal the edge of her frilly knickers.

"What ever could he be wanting at this late hour?" Amarie asked, glad she was wearing shape-hugging flares and a loose fitting pink t-shirt embroidered with diamontes and sequins - even if she was unsure if 'diamontes' is actually spelled that way.

"There's been a murder, and he needs the help of the Fantabulous Five to solve it."

"A murder?" said all of the others in surprise. "In New York?"

"Indeed," Julia told them ponderously. "And not only that, it occurred not five minutes ago right outside this very building!"

"Was he killed by a falling tub of jelly by any chance?" Ally asked.

"Yes, he was... but.. why do you ask?"

"That's the third case this week. Oh Julia, don't you read The Times?"

"I'm a Forumshire Bazaar girl, actually."

"They do have the better fashion sections," Norc commented knowingly, in a long pokadot dress that was all the rage. Her hair was in an elegant triple bun with two strands let loose to express a certain freedom of thought with atouch of gay abandon.

"The Times doesn't really have a fashion secton, does it?" Tin asked, in flowery kaftan, and red and yellow sandals as an exclamation mark that elegantly completed her ensemble.

"Who would know?" Amarie said. "I only read it for the news and never look at the pictures. I'm far too intellectual for that kind of thing. Anyway, if I want to see current fashion trends, I can't go past Forumshire Bazaar."

"I hear the artwork is superb in Forumshire Bazaar," Norc said (slightly vainly).

"Yes, we've seen your artwork, Norc," Amarie said patiently. "Or at least the artwork depicting the Fantabulous Five by someone who may as well be you. And frankly, I don't know why Anon is trying for any sort of separation, do you?"

None of them knew why.

"Where is he by the way?" Amarie continued.

"Anon? He snuck off to find some trousers, I think," Ally said. "Mumbled something about how it was a pure accident he'd come here not wearing any and that we were all prudes anyway."

"Well, I'm glad he's gone. I'm not sure he could offer any help in solving this case anyway," Amarie commented wisely.

"Didn't we...?" Norc began hesistantly. "I mean - didn't we just now throw the bathtub off the balcony? I mean - you Amarie, and me, and Ally and Tin?"

"I was only doing what I was told," Tin put quickly, and slightly guiltily, as she was, after all, a good Catholic.

"That's the mysterious thing about it," Amarie said looking worried. "People will suspect it was us but... well... it wasn't... We must clear our names!"

"But it was us wasn't it?" Ally asked with all the naivety of a Whelsh girl from Whales.

"Yes, of course it was!" Julia snapped.

"Which will only make it all the much harder to prove our innocence!" Amarie added firmly. "Don't you think so, girls?"

And they did think so!


to be continued....

Amarie: Oh Norc! Are you one and the same Norc who once drew us. Or are you some other semi-true-partially-accurate-variation of yourself, a fine drawer of fine pictures of early seventies ladies of whom we were just mentioning? 'Us', I mean!

Norc: No. For the purposes of this chapter, I think I'm a different Norc.


(also.. I am sensing a superhero-story coming along.. "the Fantabulous Five" anyone care to spin this off?)

in a long pokadot dress that was all the rage. Her hair was in an elegant triple bun with two strands let loose to express a certain freedom of thought with atouch of gay abandon?

groovy man!

I'm no expert, Norc - but I think that was a Spin Off!

Mind, if someone wants to keep going by all means do so --- as I'm sure Ol' Anon has no idea whatsoever where he wants to go next with this!



(Super hero? I was thinking more of a 'Forumshire Angels" kinda thing.. bit like Charlie's Angels you know... Oooh what about "Orwell's Angels"? Now there's food for thought! )

yeah, i hadn't read the last bit when I wrote that.

angels... not a bad thought.

angels... not a bad thought.- Norc

Dont encourage him.

Pettytyrant101 wrote:angels... not a bad thought.- Norc

Dont encourage him.

Do you think Chief Moderator, Most Popular male Orwell really needs to be able to call 5 off Forumshires female members 'Orwells Angels'? There would be no ending to his ego!

well, i personally liked the superhero thought better myself.

forumshireletts form the "the fantabulous five"

"Why was the bandersnatch under your bed?"
"A lady never tells what she does in her bower, you know that."




(Obviously catching up on these.)

bandersnatch?

Where's Azriel?

Sadly Azriel is having to take a temporary leave of absence due to life being shitty, as it has a tendency to be, which is why its best to adopt a crabbit attitude before you even start- but we hope for Azriel's swift return soon!

yeah I miss her.

THE FANTABULOUS FIVE INVESTIGATE

Episode 8: The Mysterious Case of the Hobbit Hero and his Four Kick-ass Ladies and Julia --- also known as 'Orwell's Angels'.

After Orwell's Angels cleared their name of the unfortunate murder of that New York Patrolman going about his lawful business (and of several other murders and assaults in the back lanes of Harlem), Amarie received a call on her Palantir.

Amarie: Yes? Yes? Oh yes! Right oh then!

Julia asked: Who was that?

Amarie: Orwell.

Norc: I wonder what that devilshly handsome hobbit who no one has ever seen wants this time?

Amarie: He's sending an eagle out immediately to take us out to his Island in the Great Green Sea. Quite mysterious he was.

"Then I guess we'll just have to be patient and wait to see what happens," Tin offered stoically.

"We all will," Ally said. "We all will!"



to be continued..

I have slow creeping dread about where this 'wholseome' Tale is heading....

Norc: I wonder what that devilshly handsome hobbit who no one has ever seen wants this time?


woa woa... slow down a bit..