Can Anyone Help - I have a Teenager

halfwise wrote:Hey, so long as there's no forms to fill out, no strangely irrelevant questions that MUST be answered in a space the size of pinky, no quarterly progress reports on the project for which no funding has yet arrived, etc etc.....so long as there's none of THAT - I'll do anything for peanuts and feel I've got the best side of the bargain.

Err... I can't swear absolutely that there'll be none of that, Halfwise... at least, it's unlikely there will be a lot more than what you currently attend to... I mean, it's not like you're a schoolboy anymore... I'll have to find ways of shortening the length of your leisure time - leisure time being, for new Son I assume, fraught with the possibility of anti-social (and probably pleasant) activities, if you know what I mean...

Far as I can tell Halfwise they are planning how to survive the end of the world by the use of carrots. Probably best not to delve much deeper than that really. (And I thought I was supposed to be the buckied one!)

Pettytyrant101 wrote:Far as I can tell Halfwise they are planning how to survive the end of the world by the use of carrots. Probably best not to delve much deeper than that really. (And I thought I was supposed to be the buckied one!)

You're not paying proper attention again, Petty. The carrots are one thing, Halfwise's New responsbilities another.

Oh yes, Petty, you're probably like one of those people who formerly thought the world was flat and the whole idea of building spaceships not only unthinkable but ridiculous and blasphemous.

Hey I'm Scottish I think all vegetables are blasphemous and carrots in particular. If I was going to have an end of the world spaceship I would rather it had drink, drugs and prossies on board- you can go in the one full of carrots if you like.

Pettytyrant101 wrote:Hey I'm Scottish I think all vegetables are blasphemous and carrots in particular. If I was going to have an end of the world spaceship I would rather it had drink, drugs and prossies on board- you can go in the one full of carrots if you like.

Well, we're trying to use a blasphemous vegetable for good purposes. (We do plan to keep a look out for God while a'voyaging you know. We might be Non-believers but as Scientific Thinkers we will still keep a studiously open mind).

And who said anything about what comestibles and service providers we'll be taking? Do you think it was just going to be Davo and me, alone on a space liner, in outer space? I'll have you know, I wouldn't prefer that situation at all. Not sure about Davo, but I'll have a chat with him about that - and other hygiene matters - before I start the engines; right after we sort out the Captain business, methinks.

True Fact
Actually carrots are far from blasphemous. Up until the Protestant Reformation in the 16th century, the carrot came in every shade from turnip white to beet red. When the Huguenots and other Protestant refugees came to North America, they carefully brought the seeds of only the orange varieties, and carefully culled any throwbacks until they had a pure orange strain. The new variety was so successful that is was reintroduced to Europe.
Even in traditionally Catholic regions.
Score 1 for the Protestants.

Orwell wrote: Do you think it was just going to be Davo and me, alone on a space liner, in outer space? I'll have you know, I wouldn't prefer that situation at all. Not sure about Davo, but I'll have a chat with him about that - and other hygiene matters - before I start the engines; right after we sort out the Captain business, methinks.

That's not what I was imagining either. I was thinking we would bring along all of the best of the old civilization to colonize our new Hobbit Utopia. We need to work on that list and decide the criteria for prospective colonists. We'll need a strong gene pool . (By the way I've been trying on captain's uniforms. It's hard to get anything suitable off the rack. Note: bring tailor)

David H wrote:That's not what I was imagining either. I was thinking we would bring along all of the best of the old civilization to colonize our new Hobbit Utopia. We need to work on that list and decide the criteria for prospective colonists. We'll need a strong gene pool . (By the way I've been trying on captain's uniforms. It's hard to get anything suitable off the rack. Note: bring tailor)

While in theory delighted at the thought of inviting our Forumshiran Residents along, I do have some, I think quite reasonable, concerns about the depth of the gene pool.

Bear in mind, there can only be one Captain on a ship. Just a thought.

Orwell wrote:
Bear in mind, there can only be one Captain on a ship. Just a thought.

I know it's a major responsibility, but I figure I'm up to it.

Besides, you'll have your hands full running those engines.

I'm thinking Captain Kirk and Scotty (but more fashionably dressed of course.)

Cant have an Aussie Scotty! Thats just wrong!!

It was the McOdo that gave me the idea. Wouldn't have worked with a Banks.

Don't be fooled by names David- he doesn't even have a proper kilt! I've never heard him play the pipes and he doesnt even know how to catch a haggis.

Pettytyrant101 wrote: I've never heard him play the pipes

And you're implying that that's a problem?

And when you lose someone to a terrible space accident who is going to play the lament as you fire the corpse out the torpedo tubes? Answer me that then?!

Let me understand this, are you submitting an application?

By Eru's underpants no! I'm planning on my own buckie fuelled ship full of, well buckie, drugs and prossies and definetly no vegetables, just a haggis farm and 24 hour free bar.

Perhaps you might be useful down with the engines, Petty.

Of course, I'll have one hand on the ignition key with one hand on the steering wheel - and one foot on the brake, just in case David - working the gears at the rear of the Cabin - has accidentally put if in FWD not REV. We don't want to knock his farmhouse over.

I hope you've thought about the Lauchway, David. Probably not - this Captain business does seem to be consuming you at the moment?

Oh yes, about the hull of the "Ruby Slipper", David... I'm no technician, but I still forsee some technical issues to be faced in regard to hull fabrication. Are you onto any issues with that yet? Or are you too busy trifling over Uniforms?

Pettytyrant101 wrote:By Eru's underpants no! I'm planning on my own buckie fuelled ship full of, well buckie, drugs and prossies and definetly no vegetables, just a haggis farm and 24 hour free bar.

David and I are working on important logistical matters, while you, Petty, are playing out some idle fancy. I mean, really.

Idle fancy!- I already have everything I need- except the spaceship.

Orwell wrote:
I hope you've thought about the Lauchway, David.

Oh yes, about the hull David... I'm no technician, but I still forsee some technical issues to be faced in regard to hull fabrication. Are you onto any issues with that yet? Or are you too busy trifling {{{ trifling, he says? Clearly the man has no understanding of the importance of appearances to maintaining proper morale! }}} over Uniforms?

No worries, Orwell, I'm way ahead of you. I have been modifying my grandma's apple peeler to shave frozen carrots into large and incredibly strong sheets which should serve admirably as a skin for the hull. The framing will depend in a large part on what decisions you've made on the propulsion system and fuel storage needs. My only concern with the FCS (frozen carrot skin) is in the unlikely event that it gets warm, in which case we may have a.....well let's call it an "issue".

Because of this I've opted to skip the usual gantry launch and instead launch from an extremely long CO2 cannon, which should super-chill our outer hull until we reach 100km elevation at which time atmospheric heating is no longer an issue.{{{Note to self: Must look into warm winter uniform.}}}

So how are the engineering designs of the propulsion system progressing? I have absolute faith in your judgment in this.

{{{What kind of an idiot would call an orange space ship "Ruby Slipper"?!?!? What have I gotten myself into! }}}

Pettytyrant101 wrote:Idle fancy!- I already have everything I need- except the spaceship.

That is probably going to be the trickiest bit, Petty. I guess we could cmpromise and effect a useful solution. You can collect your goodies and stow them on the Ruby Slipper (the 'RS') and become a cabin boy... err... cabin hobbit. This will be a properly challenging job for you, and though it won't leave you much time for enjoying a view from the spacedeck, it will keep you gainfully employed.

David H wrote:No worries, Orwell, I'm way ahead of you. I have been modifying my grandma's apple peeler to shave frozen carrots into large and incredibly strong sheets which should serve admirably as a skin for the hull. The framing will depend in a large part on what decisions you've made on the propulsion system and fuel storage needs. My only concern with the FCS (frozen carrot skin) is in the unlikely event that it gets warm, in which case we may have a.....well let's call it an "issue".

Because of this I've opted to skip the usual gantry launch and instead launch from an extremely long CO2 cannon, which should super-chill our outer hull until we reach 100km elevation at which time atmospheric heating is no longer an issue.{{{Note to self: Must look into warm winter uniform.}}}

So how are the engineering designs of the propulsion system progressing? I have absolute faith in your judgment in this.

{{{What kind of an idiot would call an orange space ship "Ruby Slipper"?!?!? What have I gotten myself into! }}}

I have my Son's unleaded petrol. You see, he is about to take his m/c to school and 'improve' it by doing up the engine in his automotive engineering class. I dare say, after that, he will have no need for unleaded fuel. Of course, I may need to pop down and purchase a spare fuel can's worth - as we must not leave anything to chance. (I frankly don't want to run out of fuel before we reach at least Alpha Centauri where, if my memory serves me right, there is a Pavlovian Filling Station). Of course, we'll need that C02 cannon to get us off the ground, that stands to reason, after which I'll switch on the unleaded fuel switch and we'll proceed on cruise control. I estimate a slightly slower voyage in the first stage to preserve said fuel.

If you have any queries about the name of the ship - and knowing our past history, I'm sure you have - all I can say is I expect you'll have seen sense and chosen to grow a good sized crop of those old fashioned ruby coloured carrots that folk used to grow back when my Great Great Great... Great Grandad was a lad. You know, the ones with the tough skins, which I expect are also radiation proof. Also, as I'm planning to utilize the Old Lady who lived in a Shoe Method in my design - a bit like a Tardis but shaped like a shoe - I thought the name more than appropriate. Yes, I've engaged a spot of poetic licence in the naming of the RS, but 'Ruby Shoe' just doen't do it for me.

Anyway, you worry about the FCS and I'll worry about the final design of the RS. As to your fascination with uniforms - which no doubt you'll still be trifling about - by all means do get them, and, yes, obviously, get something warm --- but make sure they can still be worn at some level of comfort if - as I expect in spite of your assurances to the contrary - there is some warming of the ship when we break out of the Middle Earthan atmosphere.

Carry on, my trusty friend {{{and First Mate }}}. If you confront any further trade-like problems please contact me - not that I have any trade skills.

Dear Orwell,

Please trust me in the choice of materials. As a farmer I have knowledge and access to reference materials that are beyond your ken.

In choosing the variety of carrot to be used for the FCS I am referring to the Mechanical and Aeronautical Engineers Handbook for Strength of Materials of Root Crops (9th edition).

A good orange Nelson has a tensile strength of about 60K lb/sq.in. and a Stephenson index of 47, while a typical red carrot such as an Early Horn or a Akaroa Long Red has a tensile strength of only 4 to 7K lb/sq.in. and a Stephenson index of -3 . Surely even an Aussie wouldn't be foolhardy enough to leave the earth in such a craft!

Trust me my dear (if somewhat backwards) friend. The shoe will be a brilliant orange and it will serve our needs perfectly (if it doesn't thaw).

Your friend and captain,
David

PS Can you by any chance play bagpipes? Petty seems to think it's important.

Dear David,

I, of course, checked Mechanical and Aeronautical Engineers Handbook for Strength of Materials of Root Crops (9th edition). As if any sensible aeronautically sensitive Ozhobbit wouldn't? The thing is, did you not read the section on 'tensile strength to size ratio as it relates to stress under volition'? If you had, you would know full well the old fashioned "Ruby Red" performs equally well, especially under stress, when compared to the carrots you mentioned.

I'm not suggesting your carrots, in the right space craft, don't perform admirably, but as we are not talking 'Wellington' Class liners here, but the smaller 'Shoe' Class liners, I think you'll find your carrots of choice more expensive than is really necessary, but most of all, neither more efficient, safer, nor aethetically pleasing to our purpose. Yes, there have been a few nasty accidents using the 'red', but that was a long time ago. Here in Ozhobbitstan we have been using 'Mrs McFuddy's Phylactric Flour Glue" as a FSC hardening agent for years, and never had a hiccup. Well, not in our 'Shoe' Class ships, anyhow.

David, just because the Ruby Red is a little tasteless, and slightly too fibrous, it is no reason not to use it in hull fabrication, and you know it! I think your prejudices are showing.

Your friend and Admiral,
Orwell

PS In regard to Petty's concerns. As the bagpipes are a 'thing' (calling it an 'musical instrument' is well beyond the breadth of meaning that even English allows) that makes a gawd awful noise, I see no reason why I can't blow the inlet pipe and compress the bladder with sufficient force to make such gawd awful noise. Failing that, we can take along a cat and torture it if need be, but only as a last resort, of course.

Prejudices? Why whatever could you mean?

Certainly the Ruby Red could be made to work in a pinch, supposing one had 1.5 million of them. But the fact is, as you know well, that the Ruby Red like the Akaroa Long Red is a southern hemisphere variety, and uncommon if not rare even there. Even if I could find enough seed I'd never be able to import it past US customs.

On the other hand I just spent the last 2 days sowing 200 acres of Orange Nelsons, as good a carrot as you'll ever find and much better suited to this climate. Besides I've optimized the peeler for them. To go back now and redesign everything just for the sake of a tawdry color is hard to imagine. Besides, that obnoxious red color would look much more appropriate on Petty's brothel-ship than on a legitimate ark for the preservation of all that's good. (I still can't believe MGM tarted Dorothy out like that! No prejudice though )

That's what I thought about the bagpipes too. Don't know what Petty was going on about.

Oh, have you started looking at uniforms yet?

YOU were looking into uniforms! Please focus, David, else we'll never get the job done.

I see I'll have to live with the Nelsons. A fine carrot as I've ever known, I was in no way seeking to insult their fine shape, texture and utility (and excellent eating I grant you), but the colour is truly offensive in the Southern Hemisphere. Oh well, if we must, Captain, we must.

As to Dorothy, sadly she passed away quite a long time ago, her celluloid exceptionaslism is all I have left, and won't be left behind. If it bothers you so much, I'll keep her in the Admiral's quarters well away from the Common Room, Captain's Closet and the crew-slots.

I'll start looking at comfy flight deck furniture tomorrow at "Admiral and Captains Emporium." Some lovely leather there. Oh yes, I hope you're not allergic to vinyl?

{{(No one knows what Petty is going on about, he's a Scotshobbit; Eru bless him --- Eru knows, no one else will }}}.