Can Anyone Help - I have a Teenager

My dear Mr Banks, mebbe Paw McTyrant has got something and mebbe he don't but I think I can 'splain what's going on here. The problem of course is that you and your son are in a relationship, and like all relationships thems thats involved in said relationship are too close to see it clearly.

I spent years teaching teenagers, same age as your son, and for the most part they were the most lovely scintillating creatures imaginable, 'cept when I wanted cuff them through a wall. But usually they were great because they WEREN'T MY KIDS, and we both knew it, so we were happy with each other's company.

The problem is, few millennia ago a kid that age wasn't a kid, he'd be busy raising his own family and be busy running down antelope to feed them. Being a subservient chattel at this age is totally unnatural. Parents and teenagers have specially crafted buttons they've designed for each other over years of observation (different for every family), so that if you get too close you automatically set them off and drive each other over a cliff. You've gotta stop thinking of him as your kid, and think of him as this totally independent being you've had a hand in crafting but are no longer directly responsible for. You'll look out for him because you're fond of the rascal, but you can't mold him any more explicitly, just let him know you are there to catch him when he screws up....and that will sit in his subconcious and make a difference.

But as far as getting him to clean up his room, fuggetaboutit. That part of his life is totally out of your hands, just roll your eyes and let him be himself. All you're doing is perversely pushing the buttons you've each spent years constructing - they have no other purpose than to push you apart. You are no longer the sculptor, your last role is as the launchpad...a passive supporting role that lends support.

Unner aw that modern shitegabble yon Halfie is really saying - you shuld huve beaten him! Telt yi! He's nay a friend he's a wee shite that needed a boot up his erse long ago.
As tae his filthy room- nae problem wait till he's in it- ask the wee bugger tae git aff his erse and gie it a gutting oot- and when he refuses an gies oany cheek- torch the place. He'll neer love yi fir it- but he'll ken whose boss.

translation: "damn yer funny."

Being a teenager, all I can say is that the older I get, the more things make sense. We do go through phases and sometimes just feel like being left alone. I know that today I wanted to rip my friend's head off because he said something insensitive, and I was in a bad mood the rest of the day. It just depends on how you feel in the morning. My parents tell me to make my bed every morning, but I don't have time if I want to get to school on time. And I have a heap of basketball clothes on my floor because I want to re-wear it again but it's too smelly to be put in a closet or drawer, therefore I leave it out. Or if I want to wear something again, I put it aside for another day so I remember I want to wear it. The logic may seem strange, but it makes sense to me!

Ha! What began as an amusing aspect of my life I wanted to share became a serious enough discussion of family relations - and in Forumshire of all places! Thanks folks for your thoughts. I thought it might stir up some interesting banter.

I must say, Paw, you are a man of my Grandfather's generation, surely.

And Halfwise, you have accurately described my philosophy and method. I've coached all ages of Junior sport (basketball/netball), male and female, and I can vouch for the fact that generally other people's children are superior in their attitude to me than one's own, unless you get to know them too well!

As to my son ever cleaning his room - except on rare occcasion when his Mother gets upset with him, and that is his one weakness in all this, seeing his Mother upset - I don't usually care about it's condition, it's his room - for the time being. We do grab his clothes out, though, for if we didn't, he would run naked through life, and that's something even he would not want to happen. From our point of view the reason we risk entering his plague ridden cave at all, is the need to get him to school, but it's hard enough persuading him to do that without suggesting he may have to do so naked.

Tinuviel wrote:Being a teenager, all I can say is that the older I get, the more things make sense. We do go through phases and sometimes just feel like being left alone. I know that today I wanted to rip my friend's head off because he said something insensitive, and I was in a bad mood the rest of the day. It just depends on how you feel in the morning. My parents tell me to make my bed every morning, but I don't have time if I want to get to school on time. And I have a heap of basketball clothes on my floor because I want to re-wear it again but it's too smelly to be put in a closet or drawer, therefore I leave it out. Or if I want to wear something again, I put it aside for another day so I remember I want to wear it. The logic may seem strange, but it makes sense to me!

Tin, I feel for your teenage travails, I do. I vaguerly remember my life as a young girl. Though I am getting on a bit and I may be remembering wrongly. As to ever wearing clothes again before they've been washed, my son would throw himself out of high storey building before doing that. He might put a jumper back on in a desperate situation, but not if there is an alternative. Me, I wear clothes until they wear out, or until my Missus gets upset with me - which is a point of weakness with me too - though my unmentionables do get seen to each day, that's only respectable.

Oh Halfwise, you may not realize this, referring to Orwell as Mr Banks is something of a Breach of Manners in Forumshire. I'll only give you one warning for such intemperate behaviour. Odo may not even give you one!

A reckon Orwell lad yive stumbled oan yer solution yersel- 'except on rare occcasion when his Mother gets upset with him, and that is his one weakness in all this, seeing his Mother upset'- a kent yi no whit tae dae then- an if she's a gud mither tae her bairns she'll bear it fer the common good.

{{{{{Paw might be talking a good game Orwell but I'd like to see him try that with Maw!}}}}}

-OUCH- what was that for Paw? ..I do NOT smell of peppermint- OWWW_

Orwell, I have done counselling with teens, boys and girls for a while and worked with the court legal aid for girls. And my own children. I am only me but I promise you your children have worlds completely their own and secrets and fears and worries you may know nothing about. Treating them with respect, being a good example to them in the areas you would like them to improve upon, and making very sure you let them know they are loved unconditionally are very important building blocks for now and later. Life is so quickly gone,and while it is important to have rules and guide lines and encourage teens to respect them, it is more important to try to walk in their shoes and accept your boy for who and what he is, and your girl, never shame them , never make them feel they want to see the back of you. Because life is short and if you give them a chance you will be surprised what can come forth from them.
I have pretty strict moral rules and i don't allow shoes in my house, but I don't judge when I find out some terrible things, and I have. I am no one to judge and I am there. I could care less what the neighbors think or even what I think. I have one chance to be the mother and leave some love and security behind when I leave this world and life is so hard, if our children don't have us, that is a tragedy. So I would say that I think you have two really great children, worth honoring and respecting and guiding and being friends with as they are getting older. I sometimes get tired from the amount of children from tiny to older teens that want to be in our home or just talk or just sit and cry. But I am aware of how much teens carry in their hearts and if we have instructed them to be decent caring human beings and have tried somehow to be an example, we will see good things down the road. So trust in the good things you have done and just love them and be glad they are not on the street or in the morgue.

Whit the blazes lassie? Sounds supsicoulsy lik nampy-pampy modern thinking.
A reckon Orwell whit's she's trying tae say is- yi shuld huve beat him mair!

You may be right, Paw, you may be right.

I was writing, and got distracted before I could post. And in the mean time Leelee came with her gentle wisdome. Her words say a lot of what my heart says too. I'll just post my two cents or 1 krone anyway.

I too think it is a good idea to try and see him as a (soon to be)grown up individual. Which is hard to do as a parent, but parenting is hard at any age I guess. Try to picture the man he will be and the relationship you hope you will have then. The little boy is in there, but oh how annoying it is for him to be reminded of it.

Try to ignore the clothes, as Tin says it makes sense to her to do it like that and I think it made sense for me too. Give him a hampher hamp.. hamf *bleeping skittentøyskorg* basket thingie to put his laundry in and let him know that the clothes won't be washed unless they are in it.

And let him know how quickly germs grow in a wet towel left of the floor. Yuck...

Looking on the bright side, I think he's building up immunities to disease. I might need to clarify something at this stage, the clothes is something I tolerate without a lot of angst, in fact, next to none. It's a minor annoyance. I think it's funny to think I was once like that. My Mum used to frown and shame me into picking things up, but not often, in fact, rarely. I was one of eleven children. Mum didn't stress things like this. Nor do I. But I think it's funny, in an annoying way - teenagers, you know.

With 11 children you quickly learn to pick your battles.

Aye, or git a bigger paddle!

Paw Mctyrant wrote:Aye, or git a bigger paddle!

Get out of here you big ape or I'll call Maw!

Hm, seems that made everybody run for their lives. I take it back! No Maw! I promise!

Yi shudnae make such threats lassie- they micht cum true!

Hey Orwell lad, is there no a big paddle roon here somewhere fir the wimin folk o this place?- they seem a bit uppity- prob cause o that nampy-pamby lassies-blouse o a Admin yi've goat ere-yi sure he's really a fella?

Perhaps you are looking for Mrs Figgs' establishment? There's all sorts of stuff going on there I hear.

You trying to give my Paw a heartache Amarie?! He finds out about Mrs Figgs um, exciting range of domestic products, and he'll probably explode- again!

{{{Petty... Ok, fine.}}}

By that I mean Figgs' estabishment with a nice selection of paddles, canoes and sport supplies for the ladies. All in a lovely pink and lavender colours, of course. And feelings! So, so many feelings. And Tupperware.

{{{How's that, Petty? }}

Speak English lassie! Feelings?! Whit the hell ur they when the coos are at hame? Nae wunner this place is in the state it is.

Coos are at hame? Ka du sei, farr?

Yeah, the state of this place. Sure. So shocking. Best to turn your back and walk away before it start to infect you.