Council of Odo

Never heard of such a thing, Mr Halfwise! Spoon River Anthology? Sounds very silly to me...

Spoon River is a distinguished work of literature.

I would never suggest anything about you was silly, Odo. What would ever bring that to mind?

Did you suggest Odo wasn't serious, Halfwise? Rather naughty of you... anyhow .... piss off... I'm here to Meet the Bankses for Private Counselling...


Has he gone now?


Odo: I think so... Halfwise son of Halfwit? Ridiculous! And such a vulgar chap.

Orwell: If indeed one can call huim a "chap".

Biffo: Mor likuh forkin dizzmopp!

Odo: How droll, Bif - how droll!

Orwell:

Mirabella:

Porgy:

Wisey:

Jane:

Orwell: Anyway, I've called you here to discuss a troubling matter. And as you Bankses are well known to be of the Most Sensible Reasonableness, I thought I'd ask you to meet at Odo's for a talk. Thanks for the use of your thread and your hole, Odo.

Odo: Not a problem. Not at all. Glad to help. So long as you pay for the refreshments.

Orwell: Of course - though they do seem a little steep of price?

Odo: What can you expect at such short notice... Why are you smiling, Jane?

Jane: Oh I was just thinking again about how some Forumshirans think you and Orwell are one and the same hobbit!

Odo:

Orwell:

Biffo:

Mirabella:

Porgy:

Wisey:

Odo: Yes the Forumshiran mentality is is quite rudimenatry, what!

Biffo: Puk uh dumbbees!

Mirabella: Some of them think Odo, Orwell and you, Biffo, are the same hobbit.

Odo:

Orwell:

Wisey:

Jane:

Porgy:

Biffo:

Loki:

Porgy: That's nothing. They even think I'm you, Orwell. But I'm not... Look...

Odo: Porgy!

Porgy: Well, all I'm sayin' is, look at this... and these...

Odo: Err... please put them away... And stand up straight -- we can see that when you stand up straight - no need to thrust it in our faces! We don't need to know what you had for breakfast!

Biffo:

Odo: Get that grin off your face!

Biffo: Sorree!

Odo: Anyway - enough of the stupidity of the other Forumshirans. What did you gather us for, Orwell?

Orwell: It's a delicate matter (Pause). Well, I'm not sure how to start (Pause).

Odo: Blurt it out, hobbit! Blurt it out!

Orwell: Well, it's about this song of mine on Forumtube...

Odo: That again...

Biffo:

Jane:

Porgy:

Mirabella:

Orwell: What?

Mirabella: It is all you've been talking about lately, Orwy!

Orwell: But this is serious... You see - I told my daughter Smartyarseface...

Jane: Is that her real name?

Orwell: Is now!

Odo: Get on with it.

Orwell: I told her I was famous.... On Forumtube and all.

Jane: Yes, go on --- here wipe your eyes.. It's very unnerving seeing a middleaged hobbit weeping in his tea.

Orwell: Well, she told me ANY hobbit could post a song and video on Forumtube.

Jane: That's what I've heard.

Orwell: So... I'm not famous at all, am I?

Mirabella: You are to us, Orwy.

Orwell: Don't patronize me!

Porgy: Shouldn' that be matronize?

Orwell: Oh shut up you! Just shut up! All of you! Shut up!

Jane: Now, Orwell, you mustn't run off like that...

Biffo: He juz deed!

Odo: Well, that was a little embarrassing. Be a good nephew, Bif - and pass over the tobacco-jar will you.

Wisey:

Hello? Has anyone seen Orwell? He hasn't paid me yet for the fireworks.

I think we could make the song famous. It's actually really great. I'll work on it over summer- I have no plans!

And then with the MASSIVE royalties and advertisement money that Forumtube pays, he'll be able to pay you Petty!

Ally wrote:And then with the MASSIVE royalties and advertisement money that Forumtube pays, he'll be able to pay you Petty!

I'm in to MASSIVE royalties - yes please!

But how do I find it direct on Youtube without clicking-in from Forumshire, Petty?

Ally wrote:I think we could make the song famous. It's actually really great. I'll work on it over summer- I have no plans!

A rather perfect three sentences Ally! The last completes (perfects) the first three!

I think Petty alias Chazzy D wants his gold coin before he tells you.

Damn straight!
{Actually you should be able to find it by searching for orwell, forumshire, fireworks, musical, akubra hat- as I put all those as tags.}

Oooh... I found it --- and someone's already commented! Be nice if other folk here supported Orwell by posting some positive comments too.. I mean, doesn't Orwell deserve some lovely support after all the nice things he's said about everyone here? ... ... ... Well, I guess, you all might just 'ímagine' what nice things he will (no doubt) say to and about everyone here in future. You know, he might be nice to everyone, if everyone be nice to him.

I would like to get one of those black akubras, but I don't know how it would go with my armor. Do they come in other colors?

What slowed me down on commenting is that SOMEBODY HAD MY NAME! Can you believe it? And then somebody had taken my other name choice. So I had to combine the two.

Oh, and since somebody described me as vulgar (not even vulcan, mind you!): arg%$#phtt!!

Just staying in character. Sorry about the shoes.

Odo: Now people, I have gathered you for a most Secret Business Council.... {{{What was Halfy going on about in that last post btw? Oh well, I guess it was long time ago, never mind... }}}

Mirabella: Are we sticking with your NO ROLL CALL Policy, Uncle Odo?

Odo: Yes, indeed... Mirabella! Who the heck is this univited, albeit handsome, hobbit?

Mirabella: Oh it's Kili. He's an actor. Can he stay? Pleeeeease let him stay.

Odo:

Orwell: He is rather handsome for a dwarf. I should think it rude to ask him to leave in the circumstances.

Odo: And you back in male form, Orwell?

Orwell: Every hobbit Lad remembers back to when he was a hobbit lass, Odo. You yourself told me that.

Odo: Well... well and good then. Alright... So long as Porgy stops looking at him... and you too, Jane - you should know better, you being a mature Eruvian woman... My goodness, you're almost as old as Amarie...

Jane: I am not!

Odo: Anyway... I've gathered you here for a most Secret Business Council. But first things first: if anyone goes anywhere near my tub of marmalade jelly, I'll blow my stack.

Orwell: What?

Odo: It's a phrase I picked up in Barcelona.

Orwell: Oh.. I see...

Odo: Anyway, there are to be no fights... No more bodies falling into my jelly and ruining it! Are we clear about that?

Mirabella: I think people are tired of that joke, anyway, Odo.

Orwell: Not all of us, I'd hazard!

Porgy: [behind her hand] Hee hee hee!

Wisey:
Jelly! Jelly!
Where is Ally?
Oh is she peakin'
from behind her sequins....

Odo: Will someone wake him up...

Orwell: Is Ally here?

Odo: Of course she's not! As if I'd invite her to a most Secret Business Council...

Orwell: I must say, 'business' is not my favorite subject.

Porgy: I'm only here to see who falls in the jelly. [giggles behind hand] hee hee hee.

Odo: If you two want to stay on the payroll, you better pay attention, and forget my jelly. That's definitely a No Go Zone in this particular council... [glances nervously at his tub of jelly].

Orwell: Well, get on with it then.

Odo: Well, business news is troubling! Troubling! I'll read out the current Market Analysis Profit Indicator List for Odo Enterprises. Hmmm...
I'll start at the top - seems sensible ---- Banks Services for Weary Men, 12%, Ozhobbiton Mines Incorporated 11%...

Orwell: Shouldn't it be a Profit and Loss Indicator?

Odo: Don't be ridiculous, Orwell... Scotshobbit Genuine Highland Haggis Farms Limited, 23%; Hebridean Coal Mines, 8%; International Eagle Airlines, 17% - which is improved thankfully from last year, once I'd dwelt with those annoying sheepherders betwen the Anduin and Mirkwood --- Orc and Goblin Mercenary Services, 222% - for obvious reasons, always a sound business venture; Needlehole Business District Propiety Limited, 3% - hmm... Of all my Needlehole enterprises, Mrs Figg's Eel Wrangling is the least profitable at the moment, I'm afraid, though complaints are down - we might need to hire a few younger ... er... staff.... and do something about Julia's bad back - but I just can't afford the quality of medical help she needs, sadly... Oh yes, while on the subject, Orwell, I wish you'd stop abusing your staff discount!

Orwell: Sorry.

Odo: Hmm... You said that last year... Mmmm, moving on now... Oh dear! I do wish I could put Scotshobbitland back on the market... A 3% profit just doesn't cut it anymore, I'm afraid. No matter how many Scotshobbit Homes for the Elderly I close, or Scotshobbits I kick out of their houses, holes and barrels, still there's no upturn in profits. But who'd buy the place in the current economic climate? Thank goodness I got rid of Greece when I did! (Porgy, stop looking at my jelly!)

Porgy: (Sorry).

Odo: Now, The Archet Bugle is not showing a profit at all! 0% Not good enough, Lesbo.. Where is she anyway...? Too scared to come, don't blame her really... ... Hey! Get away from there! Mirabella! Do I need a lid on it?

Porgy: Then how will anyone fall in, Odo?

Odo: Well, if you all promise not to fall in...

ALL: We promise.

Orwell: Accidents excluded, of course!

Odo: Sounds fair... Now, Ozhobbiton Financial Services, 12%... Where are you going Kili?

Kili: I thought I might just stretch my legs.

Odo: Well, not so close to my jelly ... and why have you removed your jerkin?

Kili: Bit hot in here..

Odo: But the air conditioning is working a treat.

Kili: Do you realize how anachronistic that sounds.

Odo: What?

Orwell: Air conditioning, Odo.


Odo: What about air conditioning?

Orwell: It sounds ananachronistic. We don't have electricity yet in Forumshire.

Odo: Don't we?

Jane: We don't think so. Maybe we do.. Ohh be careful Kili... whatever you do, stand free of that jelly... And I do like those bathing shorts of yours.

Odo: Hey! Put your trousers back on, Kili! Go on! Do it! Sweet Eru! What a pretty pickle of peckles!

Biffo: Wot za fork iz u pruttee pekkle ov pikkles?

Odo: Shut up, Biffo... Porgy!! Why are you disrobing?

Porgy: It's so hot in here...

Odo: Don't even think about it. Put your dress back on.. Go on! GO ON! Good. Now sit back down and stop being ridiculous.

Orwell: I didn't think it was ridiculous... Hey, how many more enteerprises are there on that list of yours?

Odo: A mere hundred or three.... And we'll never get through 'em the way we're going... Kili! I'm warning you! i REALLY am warning you. Step away I say. Or else!

Orwell: Are you going to bodily throw Kili out, Odo?

Odo: What! And fall in the jelly with a half-dressed handsome hobbit? NEVER!

Orwell: Never? [behind his hand] hee hee hee...

Odo: Well not in public... No, NEVER! ... .... Kili, will you pleeeease put a top on. Your sun bronzed six-pack is distracting the ladies... Isn't that so, Orwell..

Orwell: What did you say, Odo?

Mirabella: What if Kili were to sit beside me, Uncle Odo? Then there's no chance he can fall in your jelly.

Odo: Good idea.

Kili: Yes, sir. As you please.

Porgy: You are such a slut, Mirabella.

Jane: Porgy Bunk-Banks! What a terrible thing to say! May Eru forgive your Sin!

Porgy: Eru can stick my Sin up his..

Odo: Porgy! Enough of that kind of talk! This is a respectable household.

Porgy: Since when?

Odo: Orwell, will you please tell Porgy...

Orwell: Pardon? What did you say?

Kili: Why don't you sit here with us, Porgy. That way you and Mirabella and I can enjoy each other's proximinity.

Odo: Hey! This is not a social event - it's a most Serious Council!

Jane: I will sit with them, Odo. I'll keep them on track... On the table would be best...

Odo: I'm not sure how becoming that is, Jane. I mean, your dress... it's...

Orwell: Riding up!

Odo: You mustn't look, Orwell...

Orwell: I can't help it.

Odo: You could --- if you returned back to your seat.

Orwell: But I like sitting on the floor.

Odo:

Biffo: Zis iz ternin unta u feearsko!

Odo: Did you just say 'fiasco' Biffo? Where did you get that from?

Biffo: Wot? ... .... Hay! Porkee! Wotz ya doowin? Yor hubban iz sitin rite ere...

Orwell: As if that matters to you, Biffo...

Biffo: Itza prinsupple, Orrwil!

Kili: Oh ladies, you mustn't rub your hands all over my chest.

Odo: This council is beginning to have the air of predictabilty-most-stupid hanging over it.

Orwell: Beginning to? It started out with it! Your councils always do!

Odo: No they don't!

Orwell:

Porgy: They do, you know.. Oooh, Kili, what lovely pectorals you have...

Mirabella: And thighs... Look at his thighs!

Jane: Oh Kili, you mustn't look up my dress like that...

Orwell: What about me, Jane? I'm looking too.

Odo: Alright! Enough! Get back to your original seats! All of you! Or I'll bring in Grishnakh and Headclobber! ... Good... good... back you go... Now, where was I?

Orwell: Can't at least one of the girls stand near the jelly?

Odo: What - and accidentally fall in?

Orwell: As long as it's not deliberate... We did agree...

Odo: Shut up. Oh my goodness. Whose this?

Orwell: I think it's your Swedish au pair girl, Esmeralda... and Boobella Bigbits, your chamber maid...

Jane: Oh how lovely... They've got a tray of muffins and a pot of tea.

Biffo: Refezmunts!

Odo: I don't like this... they're not getting on at the moment... Can't co-operate at all... And why are they wearing aprons and little else? They better not fall in my jelly!

Orwell: I think that's how things are going, Odo.

Odo: Well, who would have thought it...

Orwell: I admit, I thought it would have been Kili, myself - and possibly Jane - at least that would be slightly unexpected...

Odo: Nooo! It's NOT going to happen.

Orwell: Stop, Odo! Oh my goodness... he's tripped over the rug....

Jane: Oh my goodness... and where are Odo's trousers?

Orwell: What an unexpected turn of events...

Biffo: Oddi huzen uny troozas on!

Jane: He has been forgetful lately....

Orwell: Gee willikens! Who of us could ever have expected him to fall into his own tub of marmalade jelly with two nubile young hobbit lasses clad only pretty much in aprons? Though they seem to have have push-up bras and G-strings on? Yes - they do -- thank goodness for that! Otherwise this would all seem so peurile!

Wisey:
Some things are so unpredictable,
Even the sages stare in wonder,
Oh how shocking to see in jelly tubs,
A respectable hobbit's clothes ripped asunder!

Orwell: Aint that the truth!

unprofitable???

younger staff??


you have just stymied your chances of those 'freebies' you were once so fond of. its getting a bit GOT down in Breeland. Odo 'littlefinger' Banks.

"GOT" ?

Game Of Thrones, my dearest curly toed one.

I really need to get a jelly tub fitted in my barrel- the amount of scantily clad maidens that accidently fall into them is remarkable! (And to be commended)

Yo, Orwell mah man, can friends use the staff discount too plz say yes. Also why does odo love jelly so much, its like hun, little thing called chocolate (and I'm not just saying this because I wasn't invited) also are the eels jelly too?

And don't blame me, I voted for Stannis.

Stannis? yuck, he has bad taste in girlfriends. that red priestess looks exactly like Madonna in that video 'Frozen'
Robb is much sweeter if a bit boring. But my money is on Danaeris mother of dragons for the throne.

What are you two on about now? And where is the jelly in it?

Have you ever read A Song of Ice and Fire, Petty? George R. R. Martin is probably the best fantasist to come along since Tolkien, though he's a bit creepy with some of his sex scenes.

No - I think I got put off that sort of fantasy meets adult porn trying to read Donaldsons Thomas Covenant books.

I wouldn't call it pornographic because the sex isn't really the focus of the story and there is a lot of great worldbuilding and characters. It's just ... when he does actually write sex scenes they're rather squicky.