Not so crabbit now!

[quote="Orwell"]Onslow?
[/qu

Yes, Onslow , but Mrs. Figgs' remarks also could have been our Daisy's , for Rose likes to keep a trim figure and daddy is senile and insane; Hyacinth only eats the same treats as does our Queen and Richard eats whatever Hyacinth puts before him . Emmit and Elizabeth are middle class but they are refined. No, only Onslow and Daisy and Petty speak like that, so I was greatly astonished.

One of us I suspect is drink leelee (I hope its me!)

Dear dear Petty,
Never you mind I have fixed you a plate of hobbity food, chicken, cold, pickles, cheese, bacon butty though it is anguish for me(Jewish elf), pretend buckie loaded with vitamins and a lovely cheescake with the words 'how many fingers do you see" drawn across it in pink icing. And you may have my prettiest cloak spread over your seemingly lifeless form after eating to keep you warm . There now the dear boy is snoring soundly, I shall tip toe away and leave him be.

I see three fingers.....

Mrs Figg wrote:Did you have any doubts

None whatsoever dear Mrs. Figg and further more Orwell, just what on earth do you mean by er ahh and all that , speak up now please for if no gentleman stands up and demands a duel over that remark, I will. hmmpf. I warn you sir I have watched a great many duels with the mighty sword, including the princess bride and also stepped up to the mark and did a few touches myself. I can give you a run for your denari, mark my words.

Orwell and Leelee squaring off with one another, migty swords held firmly in sweaty hands- I'd pay to see that. (well I say pay, I mean I'd sneak in to see that for free)

-Nay dear Petty, you work one of the hardest of jobs in all the shire, you shall have a grand seat with every good thing to 'fill in the corners'. And my hands do not sweat, not ever. For some odd reason though, truly I sweat just under my eyes and along side my nose if I am distressed or running or such. And Orwell I shall give you first shot at me, it is the least I could do, but nothing more. Your insult to MRs. Figg and to Kafria must be subject to justice. Well what do you say sir? These are the faces of a few of my gentle but strong and excellent marksman friends. They think you are endearing to look at, and positive you will lose and then have to do dishes for an entire Lothlorien year. This is my own laughter.

"you shall have a grand seat with every good thing to 'fill in the corners'. "- leelee

By that you mean buckie yes?!

An elven year of doing dishes- thats a long, long time and an awful lot of dishes! I almost feel sorry for Orwell (but only almost).

Yes dear , real buckie. But I will not worry over you, there will be two elves on either side should you become just a little er, unsteady and tend to sway one direction or another.
Oh my, how late it has become and I must away and listen to the counsel of Elrond who has only just arrived with his small party of warriors.
Well then Orwell, meet me, if you dare sir at noon under the tree just by the falls on the right side of the path leading to the poetry hall. Sleep well Orwell.

Good night leelee, sleep well beneath the stars listening to the songs of the river.
I shall look forward to witnessing your duel with Orwell (could you see that the two elves either side of me are female elves please- I'm an equally opportunities employer you know)

Lover not a fighter, sorry leelee.... but, knowing that, if you still want to meet me... let me see... how about sometime in 2015? Nothing personal, but I do have a heck of a lot ladies to keep satisfied... Now, how about this small token, just to keep you warm

hmm, exactly twelve noon Imladris time and I only have a little note here from Orwell, a cheeky one I might add. And now I must away and find some friendly dwarf to agree to sell me some mithril and pricey it will be. For I said that Orwell would step up to the mossy bank to allow me to fight for Mr. Figg's honor and every elf to a man and maiden laughed heartily and said no he would not, he would make up some excuse and so we had a wager.
And I have lost and now must leave the beautiful accomodations afforded me here, the laughter and serious talk amongst the dearest elves and friends. I must water and feed my beloved Garnet, a steed of remarkable poise and beauty, fill my bag with way bread, my skins with water from the pure streams here and mead. A farewell song is being sung in my honor as Garnet and I walk solemly toward the misty mountains to buy the wondrous mithril.
Ah well Mrs. Figg, I tried my best. Perhaps Odo can scold the bounder and get you a proper apology. sigh................

Beware drwarves selling you mithril leelee, they're worse than used chariot salesmen. Now if you want mithril I happen to have some in this sack over here, I know it may look like coal but I assure you once you polish it up
shiny as Earendil's star they are. Would I lie to you just for a quick bit of gold because my buckie is runnning low? Of course not. (Uness it actually was of course, which it is)

Petty, have you no elven in you? I was under the assumption that only wizards and others from across the sea could read one another's minds , have conversations from afar and yet I distinctly heard what you just said in your own mind not a moment ago. How is that possible? At any rate I am already a day's journey and have been joined by two dwarves who have no mithrill but instead a cousin that has it actually stacked in a twelve by fourteen tunneled out room at home, the Blue Mountains to where I and Garnet are headed. So that is indeed handy. But thankyou so very much.
And take heart, for I mentioned your love of and constant need of buckie and my companions became very cheerful on the spot. "Is that so ?" the oldest exclaimed and he slapped his thigh in delight. At my puzzled expression the handsome dwarf hurried over to to of his horses laden with supplies and lifted one of the oiled cloths covering everything. Behold, eight large bottles of buckie The dwarf, named Lodd explained he had been given such a great amount of the stuff in lieu of payment for crafting a tiny silver bracelet which he made for lady Arwen' for her first anniversary married to our King.
"We loathe the stuff, as sweet as a bucket of sugar with a tablespoon of spoiled fruit thrown in the mix. They took it from their Lady with thanksgiving just the same to be polite and we will be happy to part with it. Only tell your little friend that this particular batch is charmed and he must be careful. It can cause the drinker to forget who he is and go off on an elven adventure.'
So I have dispatched it to you dear Petty and you shall receive it ere two days have passed , fare well until the new year.

{{{{{{An Urgent encrypted note, Petty. Notice the extra two {'s btw, making this a Quinecryption, an Encryption Spell of Special Magnificence; hopefully proof against the prying enchanted eyes of even High Elves like Tin and leelee!

Mun! I'll make this straight and simple. Be careful! You may just be getting yourself mixed up in the affairs of folk much bigger than you! That buckie you're guarding... Well, you never know, but it may end up being the catalyst for something catastrophic. As my Mother always said, "Don't go getting mixed up in the affairs of folk bigger and better than yourself, young hobbit." --- And, just to be clear about this, I'm not suggesting that Tinuviel and leelee are planning to have an affair! No, my fear this will not end in passionate love making but in an horrific war of the worst kind - maybe even a cat fight! Think "Kin Strife", Petty! Ring any bells? Frankly, I would not be a little hobbit (read: Scotshobbit) mixed up in it, not for a cellar full of buckie! }}}}}

There seems to be a lot of material in this thread that would be quite interesting to the Forumshire Trade Commission and the Bureau of Buckie, Pipe-weed, and Swords. Just sayin'.

"Petty, have you no elven in you?"-leelee
That sounds intrestingly like the opening half of a chat up line. If I say 'no' and you reply, "Do you want some" I shall be both flattered and not a little shocked and suprised!

"I distinctly heard what you just said in your own mind not a moment ago. How is that possible?"- leelee

Could be consequnec eof the buckie but more likely, its, erm, becasue when I was really drunk I sat on my mini-palantir, and may be inadvertently transmitting (just be glad you only got sound and no visuals!)

"I have dispatched it to you dear Petty and you shall receive it ere two days have passed"-leelee

You are a gem among elves leelee. Dwarven buckie, sounds interesting, did you mention something about a warning? Ah doesn't matter- buckie is buckie even those dwarves couldn't mess that up.

Eldo I didn't even know we had such a thing, I assume this anothe rof your sneaky government iniatives to take buckie off hard working Forumshire members wilst not rasing a finger yourself!!! Be prepared to suffer a war of public words over this notion as I have alereted Pure Publictions to this attempt to exploit the masses.

{{{{Orwell I was inclined to take your words at face value as a friendly wanring, bu whilst you are not a Banks you are their neighbours and friends and reading it back I detect more than a hint of jealousy that the sway of my kilt has attracted the attention of two such high profile elven ladies. I'm sorry if you cannot handle my sudden, but fully deserved, rise through the ranks of Forumshire society but you shall just have to deal with it. The Tyrants have finally eclipsed the Banks in social climbing. If I were you I would dissociate yourself from that disreptable clan and join the wining side. I could probably even have a word with the Queen herself and get you a job mucking out Huan's kennel.}}}}

Damn, you've caught me. Just look at my signature now.

Finally come out in the open and admitted it Eldo!! I think its time I petitioned for those mayoral elections that mysteriously never happened last time to be be restarted! I have friends in high places now you know (and still quite a lot in very low ones).

Why didn't those elections happen, anyway? Did the electoral officials all get too drunk to perform their duties? {{{{Hmm, perhaps I shall offer unlimited free buckie to anyone who volunteers to operate the polls ... that should throw a wrench in this whole "democracy" thing. }}}}

{{{{{Pettytyrant101 encrypted: "Orwell I was inclined to take your words at face value as a friendly wanring, bu whilst you are not a Banks you are their neighbours and friends and reading it back I detect more than a hint of jealousy that the sway of my kilt has attracted the attention of two such high profile elven ladies. I'm sorry if you cannot handle my sudden, but fully deserved, rise through the ranks of Forumshire society but you shall just have to deal with it. The Tyrants have finally eclipsed the Banks in social climbing. If I were you I would dissociate yourself from that disreptable clan and join the wining side. I could probably even have a word with the Queen herself and get you a job mucking out Huan's kennel."

Not jealous, but... Interesting ideas. Tell me more. I'm thinking of the benefits of changed allegiances, and any out of pocket expenes. I'm not that close an associate of the Bankses after all... }}}}}

"WHy didn't those elections happen anyway"- Eldo

They didn't happen because we live under a tolitarian regime, or an apathy regime- one or the other. But I'm sure a properly galvanised free press campaign will soon lead to change!

Orwell the benefits are many fold. You get to be in Valinor, which is quite nice if a bit stuck up, but its full of elven totty. There's an infintie buckie supply which I 'guard' and you can subtle influence people in High Places, especially if you are in charge of their buckie supply. Oh and there's an infinite buckie supply, this is granted just a repeat of the previous sentence but its worth saying twice. (Although when Beren or Huan is around it mystersly all turns to rasberry juice). {{{{And just between you and me someone will have to run for Mayor and I already have my dream job but I wouldn't like to see a Banks in the position -not with one already Sherriff-I am sure if someone else were to run with say a Royal Endorsement, well I'd say we'd have a new Mayor }}}}

{{{{Orwell might be one or two flies in the ointment- immortal human and hound shaped flies to be precise- turns out the buckie in Valinor is not infinfite after all but finite, and um since I took over guarding it its become a good deal more finite than it was. Can't say much got Beren breathing down my neck just hoping I can type this into the minipalatir faster than the numbskull can read it- especially that last bit}}}}

Forumshire State News
"What you need to know, from the people who knew it first."

SPECIAL EDITION!

EXCLUSIVE: ADMIN ANNOUNCES PLANS FOR FIRST EVER MAYORAL ELECTIONS

In a victory for all lovers of peace, prosperity, and freedom, our beloved Admin has announced today that his office is planning the first ever Mayoral elections in the history of Forumshire. Speaking exclusively to our editor-in-chief N. M. N. Klatura, Admin Eldo stated that his motivation in introducing elections was the clear public desire for a streamlined role of public input in government. "Despite the fact that nearly every major decision in Forumshire since I took office has been preceded by an open forum for public input, and issues have frequently been put to a vote, it is clear that this system does not appeal to many of Forumshire's residents."

While Admin did not name names, one can only assume that he refers to the Scotshobbit National Party (SNP) and its most infamous spokesman/mascot, Petty Tyrant of Buckie Barrel. Mr. Tyrant has been agitating for Mayoral elections for several months, and even claimed to have organized an upcoming election, though his plans fell through. "Rather than forcing political minorities into their own parallel system, it is my desire to bring them into the fold of the political system through State-sponsored elections," Admin said in his address to the nation. "The State will handle all the messy practicalities of running an election, and the people will be able to choose their new representative."


This is clearly a major change in the politics of Forumshire, but we here at State News are confident it will be well-received. Our political correspondent Marmadoc "Muck" Racker, Professor Emeritus of Crickhollow University and Fellow at the Bullroarer Institute, weighed in on the matter: "Despite their reputation as 'rabble-rousers', it is clear that the SNP is in fact decidedly anti-rabble. They should be pleased to know that from now on all their demands and needs can be channeled to Admin through the newly-established office of Mayor, who will function as a representative and ombudsman for the people of Forumshire."

It is not yet clear when the Mayoral elections will be held, but the Admin's office assures us that they will be soon. This is no doubt in part to hasten the establishment of political stability and order. The new Mayor's authority will be strictly regulated and limited by new amendments to the Constitution of Forumshire, and all discontents will be required to follow official government policy regarding Mayoral procedure. "This is a great day not just for the State, not just for the SNP, but for all of Forumshire!" declared Admin Eldo in his closing remarks. "Now we won't have to listen to those rowdy Scotshobbits anymore; we'll just get to send them off to the Mayor's Office - Department of Complaints and Grievances - and let them strangle themselves with red tape.... Er, scratch that last part. This mic isn't still on, is it?"

God bless our

I think this is cause for celebration but I smell a rat, still it might be celebratory news so best celebrate anyway