Re: Critics review 'The Battle of the Five Armies'

by Sinister71 Thu Jan 15, 2015 12:09 am

Bluebottle wrote:A purist version of the Hobbit?

Not entirely purist, I did keep a few of Jackson's more logical choices, and change a few things to make a bit more sense in places. The dwarfs rescue Bilbo together from the trolls like Jackson's version, they also start the quest with weapons and gear. I kept Jackson's idea of Thorin arriving later than everyone else. Lastly I kept the spiders voices associated with Bilbo wearing the ring. But other than those few things much different. First off NO Tauriel. Then I have Thror with a very small group of dwarfs entering Moria when he is killed. All off screen other than his head being tossed out the door, as Azog emerges. I included Azog's head on a spike.Dain is shown early on killing Azog, with Bolg nearby. I did want their being kin to be evident and reason for Bold to want revenge. The contract is shown but Bilbo gives it back to Thorin, when he declines. Gandalf shows up next morning advising Bilbo he is late and proceeds to nudge him out the door, no backpack or walking stick. Bilbo is given a hood and cloak much too large for him. Bolg does show up right after goblin town as the bad guy chasing the dwarfs up the trees. There is no connection between Bolg and the necromancer. Beorn is strictly human looking, and his introduction is the next morning similar to the EE edition but the night before the dwarfs are fleeing something unseen. Could be an animal could be orcs, its unknown all they know is something is after them and the came across what appears to be an empty cottage and barricade themselves inside. I also included Beorn calling Bilbo "a little bunny" and commenting on him getting fat again.No kids for Bard and he is a bit older than the Bard in the films, Bilbo goes into Smaugs lair twice, the first trip he brings a cup back out. Balin actually follows Bilbo almost to the bottom but chickens out last minute. Legolas is in Mirkwood but just briefly. The necromancer I have written in much darker and ambiguous. Only references to Sauron are small and visual only. And there's none of this crap about the last light being the moonlight. The thrush is in, as are Roac and Carc. I haven't gotten to the battle yet, but there will be no Dune worms, or Legolas being super human or elven if you like. Smaug goes to the side of the mountain to look for the dwarfs and destroys the door trapping them all inside. Laketown's destiny is unknown to the dwarfs until Bard and Thranduil approach about restitution for its destruction. No white gems nonsense either. Thranduil is kind enough to the dwarfs but imprisons them similar to the book. Haven't decided about the Arkenstone yet, I feel I need to make it important but still figuring it out.

It's a work in progress right now

by azriel Sat Jan 17, 2015 10:27 pm

In this scene, which is the closest I could find on Youtube at the mo, just before Thrandy confronts Tauriel, I noticed one minute he had a nasty facial scar then he didnt then he did, shame it doesnt show it here that well. Rolling Eyes

but, its definitely in the film. Scar one minute, gone the next & then back again.

by duncandisorderly Sun Jan 18, 2015 8:18 am

After watching the film for the first time yesterday, I decided the title needed tweeking.

THE BAFFLE OF THE FIVE PLOT DISARMIES!

THE FIRST BAFFLE- The Great Earth-eater Hype of 2941 TA. Or, Where are the Were-worms?

Firsts, theys shows us the wormholes, with ominous warnings of horrors to comes, my precious. And, they'll never know what hits them! MUAHAHAHA! They'll get them, and their little dogs too! On cue, the worms appear at the start of the battle. Oh no! They put on an aggressive display and wave to the crowd, far below in the valley. And, that's it. No mention, no sight, no sound, no nothing about the worms again. I assume they spend the rest of the battle as spectators and watch it unfold, while eating rock candy.

THE SECOND BAFFLE Lickspittle Lives!

Seriously? Alfrid Lickspittle is allowed to walk into the sunset a rich man in drag? C'mon! At least have him face a very horny orc as he tries to flee, who mistakes him as a sexy female orc. Kind of a Middle Earth Pepe LePew the skunk, when he chases the unfortunate cat who somehow always gets a white line painted on its back. Closing shot is at ground level as you watch Lickspittle frantically scraping the ground as he's being dragged by the ankle by a horny orc, towards the entrance of a filthy cave. Cue, banjo from Deliverance.

THE THIRD BAFFLE Synchronised Elfing

WTF is the deal with elves in this film? Up until now, I've put up with their elitist snobbery and their need for fashion and appearances. Sure, they're Prima Donnas, we all know this. But, DAYUM! They're so image conscious in this flik. The ballet style leaps when they fight and how they must line up to synchronise it, so it looks FABULOUS as they fight is OTT, even for them!

THE FOURTH BAFFLE The Truth About Eagles

Ooo, look up in the sky, the Eagles are here! Hurray! Make sure you have an expression of awed fascination and wonder as you stop in the heat of battle to watch them swoop in and save the day. The major flaw about Eagles is their propensity to always show up at the last minute. Wow, thanks Eagles, we could have won the battle hours ago if you showed up BEFORE it started. After all, if anyone should be early it's the Eagles. The buggers fly! Don't even get me started about how Frodo and Sam could have met up with a few dozen Eagles and saved a whole load of messing. Simply pop over to destroy the ring and be back home in the Shire for second tea or first supper or middle lunch, twice removed. Hell, the bloody Eagles could have done it on their own!

THE FIFTH BAFFLE The Dozen Dwarf Defence (DDD)

Of course! A dozen dwarves can chuck a few big rocks at the mine entrance and defend it without any problem. Don't worry guys, those huge steamroller orcs with a death wish won't bother you. Not to mention, the countless other threats. The DDD is built by dwarves, for dwarves. When they're ready, they'll come out to play. Until then, it's an impregnable barrier!

by azriel Sun Jan 18, 2015 9:43 am

I have to agree about the eagles Laughing

Its border line ridiculous. And to see Beorn dropped down off one boggles the mind ! I thought when the eagles do their heroic fly over ............

as Thorin & Azog are doing their freestyle ice skating routine, wasnt then a good time for Thorin to whap off Azogs head ?? There was far to much absurdity in this last film, far to much ! But what brings me down is the fact that peejers thought it a good idea for Billy Connolly to be himself & say Sod, Bugger & bastard. How un Tolkien can you get ? Fili & Kili's death was a tad to far I thought, but there again so was everything ! The Wraiths looked utterly ridiculous in their weird Venetian Festival costumes ? & how the holy heck can you sword fight a ghost ? And are all swords armour piercing ? Seemed to me that one Swack with a sword was all you needed to fell a heavily armoured baddie, deaded, killeded, right in front of your eyes ! Alfrid was such a joke but, a joke in the poorest taste ( Boyens idea I bet ) So much LOTRs connections that it got to far away to be recognized as the book I like. The only bit that held any familiarity with the book was when Bilbo finally came home to see his things being sold. Even then I doubt he could carry his treasure under his arm like a loaf of bread as he did ! Rolling Eyes

I thought Galadriel was "The Lady of Light" ? so why make her look like a reject from "The Grudge" when she uttered those immortal words that were also used in LOTRs as she faced.......dum dum darrrrrr.......Sauron ! Oh my gosh !*faint, swoon* My thoughts are now becoming as erratic as that huge pile of tripe foolishly called "Battle of The 5 Armies". Peejers had to have one 2 one set pieces because he could NOT handle a full on battle scene. He had to have those one 2 ones to distract the audience & hopefully make 'you' feel something for the wooden tops er I mean actors ! It was a con, a cheat & a let down. Next thing you know Gandalf is scraping out his pipe for a fresh brew ? So where is Beorn ? off to find honey ? where is anyone ? where is the field of dead bodies ? It was all shat !

by Ringdrotten Sun Jan 18, 2015 1:03 pm

Synchronised elfing lol!

Enjoyed that review, thanks for sharing, duncan, and welcome to the forum Very Happy

by Eldorion Sun Jan 18, 2015 4:18 pm

I giggled at the wereworms eating rock candy bit. Razz

Kinda glad they didn't go with a rape ending for Alfrid's character, though.

by Forest Shepherd Mon Jan 19, 2015 11:16 pm

Sinister71 wrote:
Not entirely purist, I did keep a few of Jackson's more logical choices, and change a few things to make a bit more sense in places. The dwarfs rescue Bilbo together from the trolls like Jackson's version, they also start the quest with weapons and gear. I kept Jackson's idea of Thorin arriving later than everyone else. Lastly I kept the spiders voices associated with Bilbo wearing the ring. But other than those few things much different. First off NO Tauriel. Then I have Thror with a very small group of dwarfs entering Moria when he is killed. All off screen other than his head being tossed out the door, as Azog emerges. I included Azog's head on a spike.Dain is shown early on killing Azog, with Bolg nearby. I did want their being kin to be evident and reason for Bold to want revenge. The contract is shown but Bilbo gives it back to Thorin, when he declines. Gandalf shows up next morning advising Bilbo he is late and proceeds to nudge him out the door, no backpack or walking stick. Bilbo is given a hood and cloak much too large for him. Bolg does show up right after goblin town as the bad guy chasing the dwarfs up the trees. There is no connection between Bolg and the necromancer. Beorn is strictly human looking, and his introduction is the next morning similar to the EE edition but the night before the dwarfs are fleeing something unseen. Could be an animal could be orcs, its unknown all they know is something is after them and the came across what appears to be an empty cottage and barricade themselves inside. I also included Beorn calling Bilbo "a little bunny" and commenting on him getting fat again.No kids for Bard and he is a bit older than the Bard in the films, Bilbo goes into Smaugs lair twice, the first trip he brings a cup back out. Balin actually follows Bilbo almost to the bottom but chickens out last minute. Legolas is in Mirkwood but just briefly. The necromancer I have written in much darker and ambiguous. Only references to Sauron are small and visual only. And there's none of this crap about the last light being the moonlight. The thrush is in, as are Roac and Carc. I haven't gotten to the battle yet, but there will be no Dune worms, or Legolas being super human or elven if you like. Smaug goes to the side of the mountain to look for the dwarfs and destroys the door trapping them all inside. Laketown's destiny is unknown to the dwarfs until Bard and Thranduil approach about restitution for its destruction. No white gems nonsense either. Thranduil is kind enough to the dwarfs but imprisons them similar to the book. Haven't decided about the Arkenstone yet, I feel I need to make it important but still figuring it out.

It's a work in progress right now

TL;DR.

(Sorry I couldn't resist. Use paragraph breaks though please; some days I just can't stand to read through text-blocks.)

by Forest Shepherd Mon Jan 19, 2015 11:23 pm

Eldorion wrote:I giggled at the wereworms eating rock candy bit. Kinda glad they didn't go with a rape ending for Alfrid's character, though.

I think enough raping of story and character was done already, so I agree.

I didn't mind that he got away either. By that point he had been set up as... some kind of thing in the story, so killing him would just be even duller and predictable than letting him live. I was going to try and think of something constructive and interesting to say, but I can't stop thinking about how terrible that scene of the refugees on the beach was.

by Sinister71 Tue Jan 20, 2015 12:37 am

Kind of Deliverance meets LOTR with a bit of Broke Back mountain in it... I would almost feel sorry for Alfrid then.... almost.

by Eldorion Tue Jan 20, 2015 12:48 am

Forest Shepherd wrote:I didn't mind that he got away either. By that point he had been set up as... some kind of thing in the story, so killing him would just be even duller and predictable than letting him live. I was going to try and think of something constructive and interesting to say, but I can't stop thinking about how terrible that scene of the refugees on the beach was.

I thought the scene of the beach was well-done and pretty plausible for the circumstances that the people of Lake-town had been through, but even a semi-realistic depiction of human suffering and lynch mobs is jarringly out of place next to the cartoonishness of the rest of the film. Even within that scene, I wasn't quick to laugh at the physical comedy of Bard shoving Alfrid to the ground when the villagers had been about to hang Alfrid from the nearest tree 30 seconds earlier.

by bungobaggins Tue Jan 20, 2015 5:20 am

Forest Shepherd wrote:Use paragraph breaks though please; some days I just can't stand to read through text-blocks.

by Forest Shepherd Tue Jan 20, 2015 6:08 am

When I saw the video title I totally expected Gandalf's line from the Bakshi Dub: the one he delivers when they are all caught in the storm on Caradhras. Razz

by bungobaggins Tue Jan 20, 2015 7:44 pm

by chris63 Wed Jan 21, 2015 6:25 am

Fan Cuts The Hobbit Into A Single, 4-Hour Movie

http://kotaku.com/fan-cuts-the-hobbit-into-a-single-4-hour-movie-1680489729

by azriel Wed Jan 21, 2015 3:13 pm

Interesting reading the posts that followed after. Not everyone is enamored by Peejers this time round.

by duncandisorderly Thu Jan 22, 2015 2:14 pm

Thanks guys. I haven't had the chance to check the thread until today. Was pleased to see my tongue-in-cheek review was generally well received. Most of all, it made some of you giggle. Razz

Mission accomplished. hehe

A first post in a new forum is often the most difficult as it can make or break your reputation. Pleased to see my first post was appreciated. Thanks again for the warm welcome. Very Happy

by Forest Shepherd Thu Jan 22, 2015 6:36 pm

chris63 wrote:Fan Cuts The Hobbit Into A Single, 4-Hour Movie

http://kotaku.com/fan-cuts-the-hobbit-into-a-single-4-hour-movie-1680489729

I wonder what Petty thinks of this four hour cut! Wasn't his 3?
Anyway the comments were quite different than I expected. This was funny and to the point:
"And then you realize that the battle isn't even concluded properly on screen. Ha."

And this:

"Most of the rest, though, yeah, cut the shit out of it. Especially the weasley dude with eyebrows who for some reason has a giant subplot in the third movie that goes nowhere."

Laughing

P.S.
Thanks for sticking around Duncan!

by Pettytyrant101 Thu Jan 22, 2015 6:47 pm

I seem to have been absent, or uncontrollably drunk, when you made your debut Duncan, so let me take the chance now before I og get even more drunk to welcome you to Forumshire drunken

- great first post Laughing

wonder what Petty thinks of this four hour cut! Wasn't his 3?- Forest

No not quite- first film is 1.26, Dos and BOFA combined (rough cut at the moment and no EE to work from on BOFA yet of course) is about 1.45- 2 hours I think.
So all in at most about 3 and a half hours long.

by duncandisorderly Thu Jan 22, 2015 11:54 pm

Forest Shepherd wrote:
P.S.
Thanks for sticking around Duncan!

EDIT: I overlooked mentioning, I tend to agree with what you said about Alfrid. It's probably the least cliche thing about the plot to allow him to escape. However, it's a poor choice, mainly because it's disappointing. There's far more imaginative ways to break traditional storytelling.

Pettytyrant101 wrote:I seem to have been absent, or uncontrollably drunk, when you made your debut Duncan, so let me take the chance now before I og get even more drunk to welcome you to Forumshire - great first post

Much obliged. I almost feel like I'm in that ad for Ferrero whatever chocolate. But ambassadors, you spoil me with your kind words. Damned if I know if the ad runs outside the UK. If you are outside and it doesn't run there, trust me, it's only a marginally funny thing to say.

Kidding aside. Thanks.

by Pettytyrant101 Fri Jan 23, 2015 12:37 am

I like ferrero rocher (?) thingies- they are hollow in the middle so you can have a lot of fun at parties with a bottle of buckie and syringe. Twisted Evil

by duncandisorderly Fri Jan 23, 2015 1:44 am

Pettytyrant101 wrote:I like ferrero rocher (?) thingies- they are hollow in the middle so you can have a lot of fun at parties with a bottle of buckie and syringe.

Great idea. I'll try that out. I've always been partial to vodka cherry or strawberry jello shots.

My friend is a bit twisted. He once played a gross joke on a few of us shortly after his son was born, using a crushed Ferraro and a diaper. Nuff said.

by halfwise Fri Jan 23, 2015 1:49 am

If it's what I'm imagining, it's sheer genius.

by duncandisorderly Fri Jan 23, 2015 2:29 am

Don't mean to threadjack, but I reckon it's probably best left to the imagination. Any more details wouldn't help. lol

Back on topic, I would expect a dwarf to play a similar prank, out of all the races in Middle-Earth.

by bungobaggins Fri Jan 23, 2015 2:37 am

duncandisorderly wrote:Don't mean to threadjack

That's actually encouraged around here. Nod

Oh, and welcome to the forum duncan. Smile

by duncandisorderly Fri Jan 23, 2015 2:58 am

bungobaggins wrote:
duncandisorderly wrote:Don't mean to threadjack

That's actually encouraged around here.

Oh, and welcome to the forum duncan.

Much obliged. I appreciate the warm welcome. Anyway, good to know there's no ego here. Pragmatism forces me to use etiquette initially. Wink

It appears the regulars I've met so far, are mature, good humoured and sane enough to be insane.

Normally, I limit my posts and prefer to say something when it's worth saying. It's been refreshing to engage in banter so soon.