Critics review 'The Battle of the Five Armies'

The Battle of the Crappy Army, thats what it SHOULD be called ! I thought this last film was tired & worn out, much like myself. It felt like its proved to be a case of 'Bitten more than you could chew'. It felt lazy. Not worthy of a grand Finale at all. My first beef is the ruination of Tolkiens dialogue. A lot of what I heard was rehashes from LOTRs, nothing original. Then we get 2 words Im dam sure I havent seen written by Tolkien ? 'bastard' & 'buggers', oh very nice. Im sure a child in Tolkiens day would love that ! (like he said that to his kids) All of the spoken word was utter dross, Fili uttering "You make me feel alive" as he gazes into Tauriels eyes, ( oh yeah, not for much longer buddy !) Bard is a mixture of replacement Aragorn morphed with Legolas, The fight sequences were not unlike some from LOTRs, was it TOO much trouble to organize a decent fight scene ? after all peejers, you do have CGI Bored already were you cuz I certainly was ! There were too many set pieces with no flow or connection between one act to another. Bilbo stating of Thorins 1 day exposure to gold, "He barely eats, hardly sleeps" has been heard before, ( Sam to Frodo ) And the ludicrous scene with 'She-Ra' Galadriel ! carrying a prostrate Gandalf ! How could it get any worse ?...... EASY ! More rubbish flowing out of the mouths of key characters, " you should have stayed dead " ? from Elrond. Yeah ? well, you should have known when to quit peejers ! This film was advertized as such a great climatic end to Middle Earth, Peejers last trip aboard etc, Its had 5 star ratings & yet it was, for me, the biggest let down, with the stupidest lines & the atrocious scenes, wise cracks, & shallow battle scenes Im glad to never have paid to see ! Legolas surpassed himself by clinging onto the legs of a bat & going 'Air New Zealand', the usual standing motionless in the thick of a fight scene to casually survey the view without getting a scratch ! Oh my good God ! Orcs in full armour but can be killed by a single sword swipe ? Dain busily killing all & sundry with just a head butt ? Too much attention on Alfred, tho he did look better in a dress,..... a dress for fooks sake !! What is the world coming to ? Armitage did play Thorin better this time round I think, but, to be so severely consumed by 'dragon sickness' & then, suddenly to have an epiphany so simple that awoke him I found hard to except. The killing of Kili & Fili was a bit in yer face, & considering this was fundamentally a childs story, families viewing right on top of Christmas I thought it wasnt needed to be so graphic. Martin Freeman hardly had a word to say as normal but, when we see him at Thorins side I actually felt for him, I didnt feel anything for anyone else tho ? And as for stupid Tauriel ! "If this is life ( or love ? who gives a shit ) I dont want it, take it from me"! Oh, snap out of it ! dappy mare ! In all the hundreds of years youve been alive & only a half pint dwarf gets you all a flutter ? Cripes, think of the kids they could have acrobatic midgets ! Azog throwing that hammer head on a chain was reminiscent of Eowyn & the Witch King, not very original peejers *sigh*. Considering this title is..... Battle of the Five Armies...we didnt really see the conclusion ? It felt like a lazy cop out. We were deliberately distracted away from the main battle by the fooked up nonsense that had nothing to do with the story ! Who cares about Leggys mum ? I didnt ask ? did you ? No, to much wrong, not enough right, all in all, more turkey than Christmas !!!